So Im in a really bad place right now. And Im writing this really drunk and even so I feel disgusted by making this post. If mods feel the need to delete this post it would honestly save me some embarrassment when Im sober.
Its just that I feel wrecked and tired (not intending to kill myself lack the constitution for that so chill). Last few months destroyed all my ideological and intellectual base I counted on till this point in my life (reason is occult and general events in my life I just dont understand world anymore and feel so weak which is my biggest fear and only have a few) Demons tell me to abandon hope because its a fools dream instead go out there and impose my will on the world which I cant do because I dont even know who the fuck I am anymore. I feel broken and useless and my guiding spirits doing what they can to give me my bite bACK but its not working and I even feel like shit for being in such a worthless position. Now I now this might notw be so surprising for you because black magicians tend to be fucked up people who want to reclaim their power so I guess Im trying to seek guidance from you all a new perspective of sorts. This angers me because all my life Ive only counted on myself and this feels like I cant trust myself anymore. If you read this and you dont care honestly good on you theres no reason to bog down yourself with some assholes on internet problems. But if for some reason you feel the need to offer guidance well thats very kind of you. Do it here or PM I dont care because I embarrassed myself enough already and this could serve as a warning for others what happens when you start losing your mind and yourself in general.
I don’t understand why you feel embarrassed, honestly, the way you feel is a sign of progress in my eyes. Means that your brain is trying to process all the new information, adapt and change your point of view. But if you really think you’ll feel awful tomorrow for this post, I can move it to the Lounge.
@SorinMarkov
This is a perfect opportunity to recreate yourself. In all honesty, I am in a process of severing as many attachments as I can. Some of them weren’t by own design, but I realized that it was what I wanted when I looked at my goals in this lifetime. What we think we are is all based on attachments and memory. And they are memories only of this incarnation.
Get rid of all influences that don’t align with your will, and get to know who you are through meditation. That presence you feel when you have no thoughts or emotions. Get familiar with that presence. That’s the real you. Then decide which parts of that presence you want to manifest in this life and what you want to change.
This life is truly a canvas if we let it. That point you’re at where you don’t know who you are is just the beginning.
Thank you but I dont really care its just the fact Im at this point that pushed me for a public cry out for help. That really irks me because Ive never done this before. But its fine.
Yeah thats basically the problem I know my essence intimately but I cant let go of what I was up to this point. Im like the old men with their closed mindedness I used to laugh at. The way I was worked and its so hard to let go. It comes from a rough childhood mostly I always knew that no matter what I had myself and I didnt need no one else and now I catch myself every day longing for someone who I can lean on because Ive lost my mojo so to speak. Ive never felt this alone in my life even tho Ive always been alone. I realize this is an opportunity fort evolution and it pisses me off I lack inner strength to seize it.
@SorinMarkov
I hear ya. It’s natural. I think most of us on the dark paths like you said have a troubled past, and present for that matter. You are right, this is an opportunity for growth. You do have the inner strength, or it wouldn’t piss you off. You would have quit. Once you sober up, you’ll get back to work. Just like the rest of us…
@SorinMarkov when you drink, your frustrations come tumbling forth, and you shake your fist at things you cannot control. You cling tightly to your current condition because you grew roots there.
It is time to change your perspective, stop blaming your own defeating voices on the gods and take accountability for the direction of your path.
You’re getting derailed. You need to ground yourself and center when you’re sober.
Until then, here’s a hug. Drink some Gatorade and go to bed.
It’s going to be okay. I promise.
That’s a good point, too. I have stopped drinking as much and will probably give it up completely. At first, it seems like it helps take the edge off. Then you realize what it really does is put you right on the edge, but unaware of how close you are to it.
Yeah youre right. If there is two options: carry on or be defeated well lets just say Ill be dead before I kneel to my circumstances. It really is the first time when Ive been hit this hard with everything and caught myself with no support system. But yeah I have to reinvent myself for this to work.
Im not blaming Gods they are the only thing that keeps my shit together. Or they are are the architects of this whole thing to prevent stagnation. Problem being if I ever been derailed it was never to this extent and I dont know how to deal. Which means there is a whole lot of meditation and soul searching I have to do when Im less pathetic. Anyway thank you for the kind words.
Sounds like you’re going through the dark night of the soul. Hang in there, on the other side a new reinvented you will rise, kick ass and take names after.
Don’t feel embarrassed. Expressing your feelings is cathartic
Take your feelings of confusion, frustration and hopelessness and turn it into anger and use as motivation. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger ( cliche but true). Take these feelings and use it to drive you as you find and forge new paths.
Sorin, I have a sort of nostalgic connection with you because you were one of the first users I had a real interaction with on here. Now I know you said that you weren’t going to commit suicide, but this kinda reminded me of something that happened just two days ago. Old friend of mine posted what was essentially a suicide letter, and in the letter he blamed himself for not living up to people’s expectations. However in your case, you seem to not be living up to your own expectations for yourself.
Personally, I think you’re in a good place right now. You’re at a sort of crossroads where your old life ends and a new one begins. I think you should take the time to explore what really matters to you in life, without being so concerned about understanding the way the world works. All you need to know for now is that the world is unfair, and from birth the struggle begins. This means that you’ve gotta fight for the kind of life you want because the world will often refuse to hand it to you willingly. In this struggle to create the lives we want, you’ll get bruised and beaten up, but if you have anything left inside, it should be to desire to give life and all its bullshit the middle finger by not tapping out…by not folding. Grab hold of this point in your life and view yourself as a blank canvas. Considering how stubborn in our beliefs we get with age, the things you program into yourself now will stay with you, perhaps the rest of your life. So fasten your seatbelt, push forward on your new path, and begin the process of rediscovering the things that matter to you in life. And when you do, know that BALG and the demons are here waiting to assist you. You haven’t lost any power my friend…you’re in the process of gaining even more but you don’t realize it yet. You will though, especially if things work out on my end the way I’d like it to…but I’ll say no more.
So now that Im back from my drunken bender, I would like to thank you all for your support. Even in a drunken state, all of your motivating words really helped me center myself. I was able to let go of my attachments and went through a shamanistic rebirth of sorts. There is still work to be done, but I have reclaimed my power finally. Feeling great now, having a full understanding of the whole process and how this mental breakdown was supposed to happen, so I could move forward, being reforged stronger than ever.
Again, thank you all for kindness and support! This forum is truly a unique place, which gives me a feeling of belonging and Im eternally grateful for that.
