General Thoughts
With hammer and chisel in hand…I look at the situations in my life and get the feeling these tools are not even making a dent in the wall that stands before me. Even a God such as I is having a tough time knocking down a simple wall in his life…this is frustrating.
As much as I would like to, I cannot go over or climb this wall yet…it is too expansive and its height seems to go for quite a while. Even persistent actions taken by me have yet to even cause a slight pinprick of change. I understand this is a temporary setback but progress is only seen in my magick and my physical conditioning…my livelihood seems wrapped up in half promises that turn into disappointment leading me to disregard any potential positive words as simply currents in the air.
As a Magician and a God…this is frustrating…
Simply frustrating…
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What you’re going through right now.
Time for a transition.
This is all clear as crystal, my friend.
You need to burn away that which does not serve you. Kill the old self so the new may be born.
There are a lot of ways to do this. If you’re going to do it hardcore LHP style, invoke Belial, Abaddon, Amaymon, or Azazel (or all 4).
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I cannot believe that the answer was right in front of me. Thank you, Levi, for pointing this out. I have yet to evoke any of those entities so I am looking into it. Thanks again for the direction, my friend.
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Hit me up if I can help in any way, although I suspect this is a thing you need to do for yourself.
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Thank you, Levi. I do have a request for a reading since you do awesome at them. I am uncertain what I would like to be read at this time though.
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General Thoughts
An internal reckoning is coming. I’m excited. That is all.
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General Thoughts
I have never been so full of rage in the past 20 years…I am trying my best to burn it all but as soon as I think Im out of the woods it regenerates itself. This is really testing my ability to stay calm. The worst part is I have no idea where this originates from.
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A message I got the other day that didn’t really apply to me:
“You could destroy them all. So much rage. Let it all go.”
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I am still holding back for some reason. They do deserve to be utterly destroyed…
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I will point out that “let it all go” could be interpreted in more than one way.
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I get it. I am the one holding the hot coal. As long as Im left alone I can assume a defensive posture, at the very least, because some people are still suspect.
That is what I ultimately want…for certain people to stay far from my life as possible and go on with theirs.
Otherwise, I will let it go in more ways than one. I dont fear the ramifications for them, I fear that once I let myself get to that point, I will really enjoy it. Then that would throw my whole self identity into question.
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I thought about this statement and wondered…why is that such a bad thing? Personally I am more the ideal man I want to be than I ever have been but the rest of my life could use some major shake ups. My life is not rainbows and unicorn farts that’s for damn sure. That’s why I’m here, to make the life I want…doing the same thing and expecting different results is not the textbook definition of insanity, but the socially accepted definition. I’m clearly trying to do the same thing and expect different results.
Well…this is definitely something I need to think about.
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I was going to point this out. Decided to let you get there on your own. And you did.
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It felt weird typing it so I decided it was not grooving with my true self.
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General Thoughts
I am so exhausted. I have cast so many spells I have lost count and could not possibly think about all of them all the time. Not even a random spell for a soda bring any positive signs (not that I would drink). I understand most people would say “Just be patient” but they are far from the first person to say this to me.
…Im fatigued from living on hope all these years. There comes a point where you just have to let yourself crumble to rebuild upon what was rebuilt many many times before.
Im tired of being strong…I’m just tired…Im just gonna lie down for a bit. Im fractured, broken, and lost.
What the hell is wrong with me…
The truth is I am always on the verge of breaking but I need to function. No one is going to save me because I have to save myself. No matter how much I struggle…no matter how much I desire this or that…it always seems so damn far away.
A lot of the time I wonder if Im a masochist as lately each day feels like an exercise in torture. I have been told I do not need to live like this…but I cant seem to stop…the anxiety I feel each day just walking out the damn door even has to be controlled…
Fuck it…I will keep walking. I always do.
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A message:
“You tread on yourself as though you were the path in front of you. Your pieces cannot be mended if you continue to break and grind them under your feet. Release. Let go. Losing control is scary, to be sure, but once it is relinquished, one can claim it again.”
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Thank you for the message. I will heed the advice.
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General Thoughts
Ordered Asbjorn’s new Grimoire…this is gonna help propel me in my Elder Futhark rune studies…which admittedly, have taken a back seat while I deal with personal issues which are hindering a lot of my path…well almost all of it.
I still cast spells and do rituals because whatever breakthrough I need is around the corner. I do not know what is true and what is false anymore…who to trust, who not, who is holding me back…etc…arghhh…this party is just getting started…
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7 nights of purging
Yanking out emotional blockages that physically shake and rock your whole body is quite an experience. I would not recommend bottling things up to this point but it is quite an experience all the same.
My throat feels sore…or more aptly put, blocked.
Im fatigued…very fatigued…but it must be done.
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