Here I am. Jac. Ready to take on my problems first before extended my hand to help others…when it was the other way around just a few short weeks ago. I am not fond of the world or the motives of the people. I have met some awesome souls and I have met some whose stench of betrayal hangs around long after I have left their company.
Magick and I have had an off again/on again relationship. I have been one of those people who horded knowledge but did little with it. I was a member of OBOD and stopped after the first level was completed…I say completed but what I really mean is the literature sits on my bookshelf gathering dust. This is my doing, of course, and I see it more as a metaphor for my willingness to learn but not the drive. I have mostly been interested in, what I know now, is called the Right-Hand path. However it seems those were more about empowering someone’s ego to rule over a group of people who had to prove they were worthy.
I can see how this could please the ego but I decided to kick my ego down and leash it. It has caused me undue pain, undue stress and undue impatience. I see my ego as I see any relationship. I have had complete dependency on my happiness hinging on being with someone even if they were horrible for me. Now…well I suppose now someone has to prove why they are worth my time. Ive been walking the single path for years now and I am fine with that. Someone to accompany me would be welcomed but I have a lot of learning to do.
Why I have the malicious attention of someone who threw me down, emotionally, a flight of 1000 stairs is beyond me. A part of me wants to forgive her and the other part of me wants to destroy her and laugh as she finds out this could have all been avoided if she.had.not.FUCKED.with.ME…but for right now this is posturing because she has had a head-start on me and any innate ability others claim I have has yet to impress me…
Although all of this has shown me one thing…I would rather be a practicing magician than someone who lets the life current carry them helplessly through…and with that…here is a few songs I have recently come to quite enjoy. Peace out y’all!
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First meditations of the day
While looking for music to add to the post above, I found out that there was a new song from Avatar called Statue of The King. Since I had been thinking about contacting King Paimon, sans sigil right now, I took this as a sign and listened to the song. It had a lot going on and it was enough chaos that my ears would be busy, allowing my mind to listen to everything else around me. Putting the song on repeat, I sat there for what I believe was two sessions of the song…roughly 6 minutes
As my ears were pounded, my mind entered the void meditation taught on this site. I felt the void expand further and I was aware of a presence of three hooded figures looking down on me…one to my left, one to my right and one behind me.
They seemed old but young at the same time…there was this feel of wisdom flowing from them. As if they had seen ages…and just as one reached out with a bony finger, I popped out of the meditation. Was it all in my head? Perhaps…but damn was it fun…I will list all further meditations for beginners to maybe glean some ideas off what I have done.
So far…I can enter the void meditation at will and each time the darkness seems to expand further in all directions…well I am hungry and need to draw out King Paimon’s sigil for the next step of the day. Everyone enjoy your day and be well.
-Jac
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King Paimon sigil/offering
sigil
I started drawing King Paimon’s sigil I found on the internet and it was turning out to be alright. However when I got to the end, I had realized one part of the sigil was hanging shorter than it should have. Since I want to show King Paimon I am not afraid of mistakes, I left the sigil as is.
Offering
I went to consecrate this sigil with an offering of my own blood and prepared the knife by sanitizing the blade in fire. In one deft motion, I pulled the blade across my forearm and felt the sting of broken skin so I knew blood would be incoming…however…it didn’t…so I figured okay maybe I didn’t go deep enough but I could pull apart the cut and see exposed layers of skin underneath…so maybe I did not cut deep enough (regardless of the inch long laceration) or maybe it was not required for contact. I flexed my bicep and tricep to get blood flowing and still nothing…Regardless, it has been almost 15 minutes and no blood. My arm is on fire but no blood…I have bled from much less than this. So from that, make your own judgement. I will not try again because the answer seems pretty clear to me.
Next will be the contact…but this has already turned out to be an interesting day so I expect today’s events are just beginning.
-Jac
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Attempted contact/Addition to the home
Dove into the void once more yesterday but nothing too spectacular happened. However when I went to the occult shop to buy some sage for a house cleansing, I was standing in the store and one side of my ear popped…I thought it was weird but shrugged it off. It turns out I was standing in front of a beautiful crystal formation that I ended up buying. The crystal was cleansed of negative energies and the woman cleansing it even made a comment such as “this definitely chose you…there is already a connection” …so I didn’t make definitive contact yesterday but I did come home with a new conduit to help me in my path. I would call that a win and the house cleansing went great…so win/win.
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Knowledge, knowledge everywhere. The End.
The awesome part of this forum is the members. You all are great help and have many insights to share. Usually I try to remember what I read but this stuff is so invaluable, to a novice such as myself, I had to write it down. I tried to find a notepad to write this stuff down in but did not have one. However, I did have a moleskin notebook I used for writing lyrics for a song I was using as catharsis. There weren’t many pages used so I took the used pages out and began jotting down answers to specific questions I have asked. Currently I am creating a small compendium of knowledge I currently seek but have no mentor to show me the path. This site and the users in it have already given me the drive to seriously pursue my magickal ability. Thank you all. You rock.
-Jac
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Rune work - Fehu
I have spoken to the rune of Fehu and it has spoken to me. I sat here contemplating the rune after watching some youtube videos on Fehu and the words just came spilling out of my mouth. My lips almost couldn’t keep up with how fast I was receiving the information as I was speaking out loud as well. The next rune I will contemplate is Uruz. This has been a very productive weekend.
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Rune Work - Uruz
Today I held the rune in my pocket while silently pondering what it means to have strength. This expanded to external/internal strength and the strength to know when to do and when to not…I feel the runes speaking to me more and more each day. I know I have the answer when I start speaking out loud what the rune means to me. On to the next rune.
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King Paimon contact attempt
With heavy metal ringing in my ears and the song put on repeat so that I lose sense of time, I entered the void meditation and made a conscious effort to repeat King Paimon’s enn while my mind was processing the music simultaneously. I believe I was able to do this for two songs, hardly losing my concentration on the enn. While I was, again, unable to contact King Paimon, at least in a way I can decipher, I thanked him for his presence and bid him farewell.
All was not lost as my concentration has been getting sharper…my secondary goal is to achieve focus when drowning in a sea of chaos. Again…I would call this a win.
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General Thoughts
Ever feel like your true self is pounding relentlessly on a door. Despite your best efforts, and all the furious pulling and manipulating of the handle leads to nothing? That is what I have felt lately…yet another part of me is locked behind a door I cannot open. Do I want to see if all those things people told me about are true? Of course. I want to be able to meet myself in past reincarnations and learn what I can.
I want to converse with dragons that have been said to be interested in me. I want to speak to the “devil” that has been pursuing me before…I want to know what my aura color is now that life has fucked around with me…at one time it was supposedly gold…I doubt that now. Not that I’m sad about it…that guy was weak compared to the one writing this now. One that no longer fears demons due to some outdated dogma…
I don’t want someone else’s hand to open my door. Doing so would cheapen the experience. I will look closer at the door before me…there has to be some answers I have yet to see…speak to me…what am I missing?
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Nightly meditation
Nothing to report. Easier to get into void meditation but unable to hear or feel any sort of contact from behind the veil…for something relaxing I sure am agitated. I learn things really fast but this…it is like there is some block that had wedged itself there.
Be it my creation or someone else’s. Either way…frustration and agitation. At least the runes are speaking to me…why does this feel like a hollow victory though? I KNOW I used to do this with ease…that is the very issue. If I was new and I felt no prior connection to any of this…I’d be making great progress. That is not the case.
I have searched inside to hopefully feel some doubt that I have done any of this before…only steadfast and undeniable certainty is found.
So this is the way it’s going to be, huh? So be it. Someone or something is underestimating my stubbornness.
Rune Work - Thurisaz
Contemplating Thurisaz as an attack is tough because I am still hesitant to attack anyone who justifiably deserves it…that I know. Any stranger is fair game though…regardless…I still have some pondering to do with this one. If this rune speaks to me in more definitive terms, I’ll progress…but I believe I still need another day.
Now when I say I won’t attack someone, there are clearly limits. Try to do me or mine physical harm and I’ll crush the desire out of you…I’m just saying somewhere I’m still a softy for those who are ignorant to the ways of the world and what lack of respect brings. Or just maybe…I would enjoy it too much and I’m protecting me from myself…know thyself…actually this is another thing I am sure of. My capacity for vengeance would be unyielding once I went down that path. Could be a lot of fun though to see the looks on the faces of people.
Anyway, I am usually impatient for such things as knowledge…but occult knowledge…I can wait. Do it right the first time and you won’t have to learn it again.
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Rune Work -Thurisaz part 2
This rune has made me acknowledge that yes, I do have the ability and the will to put a thorn in someone’s way if they are harming me. And I can do it with a smile on my face because why feel sympathy for an enemy who is consciously out to ruin your life or steal from you? This is also a lesson that the rose of pacifism, if held too tightly, will prick you with thorns of its own. Defend and destroy if need be. Attack if necessary…
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Rune Work - Ansuz
This one was a lot easier for me to feel out. Onto the next one.
Edit: For the sake of completion, Ansuz reminds us that words have power and sometimes are power in themselves. Ansuz was easy for me because I have long been fascinated what sounds in a certain pattern can do and what emotions they can evoke. This rune can also be about creative inspiration and how our breath is tied to our very soul. Do not waste your words or you will waste your breath. Ansuz is also a rune of Odin but I have not explored this aspect yet as I want to delve into the surface meanings and then go through the three aett again and dive deeper.
General thoughts
I enjoy the darkness I’ve found…it is strangely comforting.
Another thought
Man…I feel lost as shit…don’t bring a light to search for me. I’m finding my own way out of this…I always do…but I don’t even know where to begin…fuck…
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A path showing the way
Kundalini…I’m going to start studying Kundalini.
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You’re doing well. Keep it going.
I wonder if perhaps King Paimon is not the right energy for you to connect with. You seem to be in tune with yourself. Perhaps adjust simply to the intention and see what comes to you.
The kundalini is definitely worth unleashing if you haven’t already.
Thank you for the encouragement. It is much appreciated to know I am making visible progress to those looking in.
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You mentioned King Paimon may not be the right energy to connect with. Is there some other energies I should try? I have never unleashed the kundalini or purposefully activated any chakras so this is a new experience for me.
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Rune Work - Raido
It is often said that is it the journey and not the destination that matters. With Raido, this is especially true. From what I can gather from reading meanings and listening to the rune, Raido is a reminder of your path and the potential herald of new adventures, new experiences and new cycles since, as a wheel turns, there is always movement. I feel like I am told to expand this meaning to the seasons, nature and the natural flow of life. The circle of life is a great way to think about how movement is not always kind but it does have a plan.
Here is some occult fun to demonstrate that
Raido is called the Travelling rune for a reason. The movement you cannot stop in life and the direction is not always yours to choose. The wheel is always turning and the journey may have slight reprieves but it will pick up and lead us ultimately to where we belong. Wiser than when we started…so my advice is strap in and enjoy the ride to cherish the lessons along the way.
Because, once again, it is not the destination…but Journey…
See what I did there?
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