Here I am. Jac. Ready to take on my problems first before extended my hand to help others…when it was the other way around just a few short weeks ago. I am not fond of the world or the motives of the people. I have met some awesome souls and I have met some whose stench of betrayal hangs around long after I have left their company.
Magick and I have had an off again/on again relationship. I have been one of those people who horded knowledge but did little with it. I was a member of OBOD and stopped after the first level was completed…I say completed but what I really mean is the literature sits on my bookshelf gathering dust. This is my doing, of course, and I see it more as a metaphor for my willingness to learn but not the drive. I have mostly been interested in, what I know now, is called the Right-Hand path. However it seems those were more about empowering someone’s ego to rule over a group of people who had to prove they were worthy.
I can see how this could please the ego but I decided to kick my ego down and leash it. It has caused me undue pain, undue stress and undue impatience. I see my ego as I see any relationship. I have had complete dependency on my happiness hinging on being with someone even if they were horrible for me. Now…well I suppose now someone has to prove why they are worth my time. Ive been walking the single path for years now and I am fine with that. Someone to accompany me would be welcomed but I have a lot of learning to do.
Why I have the malicious attention of someone who threw me down, emotionally, a flight of 1000 stairs is beyond me. A part of me wants to forgive her and the other part of me wants to destroy her and laugh as she finds out this could have all been avoided if
she.had.not.FUCKED.with.ME…but for right now this is posturing because she has had a head-start on me and any innate ability others claim I have has yet to impress me…
Although all of this has shown me one thing…I would rather be a practicing magician than someone who lets the life current carry them helplessly through…and with that…here is a few songs I have recently come to quite enjoy. Peace out y’all!