A lurker journal: Thoughts and Experiences

AlurkerUser · February 19, 2026, 1:09am

Hello everyone, I would consider this post the beginning of my journal and an extension of my intro, who I am and some mistakes that were part of my path since I became aware of what was possible and came across this forum. Feel free to comment!

So like everybody I got here jumping through the net and found a link and so my worldview changed, suddenly magic existed, spirits are real, and shit can get fucking real not only “just an illusion or dream’ either all these users were fucking crazy in LA-LA LAND or there was something else out there and the myths and legends were unto something. For younger me believer in God with dabbling faith and a few experiences under my belt was all I needed to be open minded and look for answers on this crazy forum

And so it started, I looked to different pathways and beliefs. Angels, Daemons, Astral beings, Olympics, Old ones, nature spirits, energy work, curses, petitions. You name it. Eventually the Kybalion and hermetics teachings found me (at the bottom corner of a library of all places) and suddenly the feeling of there being one god above all description and right and wrong proved to be real. The One/ The all/ Source/ Spirit and the laws of creation that reconciled everything that I felt out of place were accepted by me. And so trough the years I reconciled the existence of different planes, the above and below, causation, the truth to the art of alchemy, astrology and magic and a theoretical of how far it could be taken. Basically it was more of an intellectual advance rather than practical (useful anyways) as I could grasp how The One went about creation through the use of the mind, feelings and thoughts and how the heavens reflected on the earth, and how we ourselves are a reflection of the one. A proto kabbalah so to say.

Knowledge of magick itself tends to make you think of the nature of things (and thus yourself) and its usually a fucking nightmare to awaken the spirit as you will probably linger on the bad things rather than the cheerful ones, tiring if the process is dragged through time and well.. add the chance of mixing in the pot actually talking and hearable spirits and LIVING higher intelligences that you can interact with, the chance of parasites and the fact that you might fall to paranoia if you cannot distinguish between the two (when you begin you have little experience and a fragile faith, its easy to fall into doubt or despair). Its a wonderful world filled with things to learn and live but… the more you know heaven the more you suffer hell / taste an inch of infinite love and joy and suffer the knowledge of the polar opposite / the higher the rise the bigger the fall. I think that through learning the existence of the higher realms and adding the possibilities of bigger rewards we suffer the chance of falling to the deepest pits of despair and hopelessness after all we know what is supposed to be the pure and childlike higher concepts and well… we have Earth. (Pro tip: When you begin stay the fuck away from conspiracies/rabbit holes channels or old 2010’s white magicians channels, its not worth to open your mind to some topics, even more when you´ve just started on this kind of path).

As for why could not bring myself to practice steadily?? Well, Old me was struggling with the curse of self awareness and the millenarian question, why are we here? who I am? What I truly want? Why god began creation? My flesh was fine (job roof semi stable family some savings and so on) my mind on the other hand.. was struggling to put it lightly as I realized the fact that if you took certain things from me I would be no one, that I only used the world and its pleasure’s to try an fill a void that I could satiate but a the cost of those things consuming myself, that no matter which way I looked for an earthly future and career or job my heart screamed at it to no be the way and to top it all off now I had the knowledge of what was magic capable off and the nature of reality and spirits. it was a constant swing between “there is no point/ there must be an answer” “I cannot get up/Try once more” Now I’m better but that was a mental state that I’m not fond of remembering though I gained some answers and experiences that helped me gain direction in life and looking at creation on a more cheerful manner .

It took 4 years to advance these small steps and tough it might sound all doom and gloom I found some answers that helped me rise from that clouded and dark pit, it was truly a war on my mental being that paralyzed myself, sometimes it comes back with force but now I can fight. I find myself exercising more, I meditated on the inner smile with the feeling of love and lightness and truly felt it after a long time (I actually found myself laughing again sometimes!) I found myself practicing peace and enjoying the simple things of life (sunlight and some pipe tobacco for example) the feelings of anxiety that screamed at me to play media and drown my brain are almost dead, my head is feeling lighter and clearer than before and I have some kind of roadmap to follow as vague as it is (to the old me this was unthinkable). I just have to feed the right wolf and follow my hearth, not cloud it anymore.

Anyways! Thanks for reading my ramblings and for passing by.

AlurkerUser · February 20, 2026, 10:55am

Last few years when it comes to spiritual experiences I’ve been dealing with a nasty being. Today for some reason my hearth anxiety cranked up to eleven for no damned apparent reason which left me with 3 options:

It’s just the usual nerves for no reason an it’ll pass. No worries
I’m still dealing with some urges to play media or whatever but the anxiety hasn’t been this bad for a long time
The fucker its getting desperate

With gets me to rumble about the Nature of these beings. See I’ve always heard that these thing hate the feeling of love but I’ve never gotten the why of it. And right now I think the reason for it is due to the very nature of parasites. I’ve been told that they feed on negative emotions and I wondered how that thing even works, thinking on the why I think that is because they cannot generate any class of energy per say, even their own class of vibration (hate, sadness, despair, numbness and so on.) they can only a) transmute and induce thoughts and b) attach very closely to an energy field

I think of it like not being able to generate your own heat to live and needing to stay close to a heater 24/7 if they cannot be close to a source of negative emotions they eventually cease to exist.

That’s why they hate the vibrations of love, peace and happiness. According to the law of polarity that’s the polar opposite of emotions to those negatives one, if you generate those kind of positives emotions the parasite a) have to spend even more energy trying to stay alive near such energy contrary to its own nature and b)spent effort trying to induce the host to the very same negative pattern of addiction.

This is at least what I think what happens with a low consciousness parasite. If the negative spirit is self aware that’s an entirely different matter and it’s not only a parasite but a high seeking vampire (a junkie), say what you want about negative emotions but they can be fucking potent like an adrenaline shot and if such conscious spirit-vampire does not get them like a normal junkie to drugs they become miserable and drained of energy or will.

I also thought of the one exemption to the rule of feeding only to negative emotions. Sexual energy. When dealing with a parasite I found it was best to abstain from those kind of thoughts and basically everything that can get you horny. Thinking of the why I´ve also come to the conclusion that due to the nature of sexual energy being that of generation (male and female principle) the yin energy or female part of the equation should be very malleable and transmutable and thus the parasite can get way stronger and able to influence more easily with the increase of the potency of the negative vibration of his own being. Now that I think about it what about that people that gets off to really fucked up stuff, stuff that with clarity you can become horrified of your own actions. maybe that kind of people also through sharing close bond to a parasite get the high from the suffering aswell as the low from the abstinence?

In any case my point is that if a low level parasite or a vampire needs to influence your very actions to get substance to survive or “live” then that means that you just need to keep banishing to sever the influence, not give in to the urges of negative patterns of action or sexual toughts and do some healthy stuff to keep the body relaxed an happy and maybe think on the feeling of peace, love or even light as you can get those emotions by just assuming the state acording the law of polarization or the inner smile as I have experienced. They are nothing without you and you can only give them as much power as you allow, even in those moments that you can see past the veil through trance or half asleep and they try to scare you off you are better laughing in their face or getting angry as i’ve been managing the last instances (though easy said than done for a beginner that gets scared easily or a deeply depressed person than needs to face their shadow still)

Man it is really ‘as above so below’ you don’t really need to know the existence of a higher plane to apply the countermeasures written above to a perfectly normal cero spirituality lifestyle, it is funny the fact that you can just brush it off as ‘coincidence’ and it being a perfectly acceptable answer. The term occult its really earned.

PD: I write this after taking a cold shower, the anxiety lessened enormously and maybe the fear came from myself as I am somewhat worried for my mothers health or one of my family emotional state yet maybe parasites can crank those little cracks on your emotional wellbeing to 11 in hopes on getting you on the dark patterns again. Still doesn’t change what one has to do parasite or not.

AlurkerUser · March 3, 2026, 12:30am

Here I lie enjoying a pipe in the park.

Today I banished, the level of manifestation varies always yet the most common one for me is the quiet and peace that surrounds myself after I finish, long time ago I used to just intone and imitate and hope for the best. Now I’m trying to do it while evoking the feelings on the ritual itself, I felt the tenuous presence when I call the four winds, I feel the atmosphere changing to one of peace and a light magnetism when I call for the highest light from above into my crown, I feel the noise from my mind and room being cleared when I complete the pentagram surrounding my bodies. Though I’m always torn between thinking on the above and below, I begin on my mind yet I always seek the manifestation below, on the end it doesn’t matter the ritual it’s done and the effects showed themselves, I know it’s kind of vain to seek such things for the sake of it and could lead to stagnation but one of my objectives right now is to reinforce my faith through the manifestations of things that should not be. The objective in truth is not getting it to manifest physically for I know if lusted after it nothing would really happen for my focus would not be where it truly matters but you know what I mean.

I guess it’s a matter of relaxing my body as best as I can and immersing myself on the ritual and the feelings as deep as I can until I truly get it. I know it’s damn possible to achieve that physical kind of manifestation, I remember when I did the three suns meditations how a warm sun came and how that sun moved through my body or how when I tried invoking the energy of Lucifer a blinding light manifested and how peaceful it felt afterwards. I shall focus o that area for now, relaxing my body and cleaning my mind, seeking to change my state of awareness and focus deep enough to forget my body so I can experience the subtler realm.

After banishing took advantage of my quiet mind to call Lucifer I said what came to my mind “fallen angel, light bringer, emperor of the infernal kingdom come to me and manifest you being” I felt the usual kind of effects yet this time on my core a warmth exploded and I asked to just commune with him and his energy this time. Lucifer came that’s for sure, it’s just my dummy self haven’t developed his Clair’s enough. It is strange though, I remember how the body of a spirit feel on the material realm that magnetic like moving wind or living body, time ago I also remember hearing their voices crystal clear at certain times and even once while fully awake (that one was unnerving) though I remember that I was on the right state of mind that time (I was humming a song funnily enough I did not expect it to happen at the time, didn’t even seek it). Those times sometimes feel like a dream yet when something out of the ordinary happens I get back into the current.

I have the suspicion that even though there are various planes of manifestation to be experienced, here on earth the physical senses are only a part of what is able to be manifested to our consciousness (I remember a post here saying how our eyes are only capable of a certain limited percentage of the light spectrum), shall I develop my own Clair’s would the astral manifest partly here on earth? (or rather that which always was there acquire new forms interpreted by the new input that my mind would receive?) Faeries would make an interesting case.

I have it within me yet talent be it meager or big means nothing without the practice. The safest thing to do is to keep banishing and getting even deeper on my meditations or energy work but part of me wonders If I should be more daring with my practice, start evoking or invoking certain spirits be it goetic or angelic, even if just to experience their being, to ask them who they are and what is their nature. Maybe should I ask for a certain task to be done and just watch the magic unfold itself.

The bad outcome already happened with the vampire yet I learned how to deal with it and how I have to act when such things happen. What is left now is the question of where I want to take my practice and how daring I want to be.