A lurker journal: Thoughts and Experiences

Journals, Group Rituals & Free Readings
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Hello everyone, I would consider this post the beginning of my journal and an extension of my intro, who I am and some mistakes that were part of my path since I became aware of what was possible and came across this forum. Feel free to comment!

So like everybody I got here jumping through the net and found a link and so my worldview changed, suddenly magic existed, spirits are real, and shit can get fucking real not only “just an illusion or dream’ either all these users were fucking crazy in LA-LA LAND or there was something else out there and the myths and legends were unto something. For younger me believer in God with dabbling faith and a few experiences under my belt was all I needed to be open minded and look for answers on this crazy forum

And so it started, I looked to different pathways and beliefs. Angels, Daemons, Astral beings, Olympics, Old ones, nature spirits, energy work, curses, petitions. You name it. Eventually the Kybalion and hermetics teachings found me (at the bottom corner of a library of all places) and suddenly the feeling of there being one god above all description and right and wrong proved to be real. The One/ The all/ Source/ Spirit and the laws of creation that reconciled everything that I felt out of place were accepted by me. And so trough the years I reconciled the existence of different planes, the above and below, causation, the truth to the art of alchemy, astrology and magic and a theoretical of how far it could be taken. Basically it was more of an intellectual advance rather than practical (useful anyways) as I could grasp how The One went about creation through the use of the mind, feelings and thoughts and how the heavens reflected on the earth, and how we ourselves are a reflection of the one. A proto kabbalah so to say.

Knowledge of magick itself tends to make you think of the nature of things (and thus yourself) and its usually a fucking nightmare to awaken the spirit as you will probably linger on the bad things rather than the cheerful ones, tiring if the process is dragged through time and well.. add the chance of mixing in the pot actually talking and hearable spirits and LIVING higher intelligences that you can interact with, the chance of parasites and the fact that you might fall to paranoia if you cannot distinguish between the two (when you begin you have little experience and a fragile faith, its easy to fall into doubt or despair). Its a wonderful world filled with things to learn and live but… the more you know heaven the more you suffer hell / taste an inch of infinite love and joy and suffer the knowledge of the polar opposite / the higher the rise the bigger the fall. I think that through learning the existence of the higher realms and adding the possibilities of bigger rewards we suffer the chance of falling to the deepest pits of despair and hopelessness after all we know what is supposed to be the pure and childlike higher concepts and well… we have Earth. (Pro tip: When you begin stay the fuck away from conspiracies/rabbit holes channels or old 2010’s white magicians channels, its not worth to open your mind to some topics, even more when you´ve just started on this kind of path).

As for why could not bring myself to practice steadily?? Well, Old me was struggling with the curse of self awareness and the millenarian question, why are we here? who I am? What I truly want? Why god began creation? My flesh was fine (job roof semi stable family some savings and so on) my mind on the other hand.. was struggling to put it lightly as I realized the fact that if you took certain things from me I would be no one, that I only used the world and its pleasure’s to try an fill a void that I could satiate but a the cost of those things consuming myself, that no matter which way I looked for an earthly future and career or job my heart screamed at it to no be the way and to top it all off now I had the knowledge of what was magic capable off and the nature of reality and spirits. it was a constant swing between “there is no point/ there must be an answer” “I cannot get up/Try once more” Now I’m better but that was a mental state that I’m not fond of remembering though I gained some answers and experiences that helped me gain direction in life and looking at creation on a more cheerful manner :slight_smile: .

It took 4 years to advance these small steps and tough it might sound all doom and gloom I found some answers that helped me rise from that clouded and dark pit, it was truly a war on my mental being that paralyzed myself, sometimes it comes back with force but now I can fight. I find myself exercising more, I meditated on the inner smile with the feeling of love and lightness and truly felt it after a long time (I actually found myself laughing again sometimes!) I found myself practicing peace and enjoying the simple things of life (sunlight and some pipe tobacco for example) the feelings of anxiety that screamed at me to play media and drown my brain are almost dead, my head is feeling lighter and clearer than before and I have some kind of roadmap to follow as vague as it is (to the old me this was unthinkable). I just have to feed the right wolf and follow my hearth, not cloud it anymore.

Anyways! Thanks for reading my ramblings and for passing by.

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Last few years when it comes to spiritual experiences I’ve been dealing with a nasty being. Today for some reason my hearth anxiety cranked up to eleven for no damned apparent reason which left me with 3 options:

  1. It’s just the usual nerves for no reason an it’ll pass. No worries
  2. I’m still dealing with some urges to play media or whatever but the anxiety hasn’t been this bad for a long time
  3. The fucker its getting desperate

With gets me to rumble about the Nature of these beings. See I’ve always heard that these thing hate the feeling of love but I’ve never gotten the why of it. And right now I think the reason for it is due to the very nature of parasites. I’ve been told that they feed on negative emotions and I wondered how that thing even works, thinking on the why I think that is because they cannot generate any class of energy per say, even their own class of vibration (hate, sadness, despair, numbness and so on.) they can only a) transmute and induce thoughts and b) attach very closely to an energy field

I think of it like not being able to generate your own heat to live and needing to stay close to a heater 24/7 if they cannot be close to a source of negative emotions they eventually cease to exist.

That’s why they hate the vibrations of love, peace and happiness. According to the law of polarity that’s the polar opposite of emotions to those negatives one, if you generate those kind of positives emotions the parasite a) have to spend even more energy trying to stay alive near such energy contrary to its own nature and b)spent effort trying to induce the host to the very same negative pattern of addiction.

This is at least what I think what happens with a low consciousness parasite. If the negative spirit is self aware that’s an entirely different matter and it’s not only a parasite but a high seeking vampire (a junkie), say what you want about negative emotions but they can be fucking potent like an adrenaline shot and if such conscious spirit-vampire does not get them like a normal junkie to drugs they become miserable and drained of energy or will.

I also thought of the one exemption to the rule of feeding only to negative emotions. Sexual energy. When dealing with a parasite I found it was best to abstain from those kind of thoughts and basically everything that can get you horny. Thinking of the why I´ve also come to the conclusion that due to the nature of sexual energy being that of generation (male and female principle) the yin energy or female part of the equation should be very malleable and transmutable and thus the parasite can get way stronger and able to influence more easily with the increase of the potency of the negative vibration of his own being. Now that I think about it what about that people that gets off to really fucked up stuff, stuff that with clarity you can become horrified of your own actions. maybe that kind of people also through sharing close bond to a parasite get the high from the suffering aswell as the low from the abstinence?

In any case my point is that if a low level parasite or a vampire needs to influence your very actions to get substance to survive or “live” then that means that you just need to keep banishing to sever the influence, not give in to the urges of negative patterns of action or sexual toughts and do some healthy stuff to keep the body relaxed an happy and maybe think on the feeling of peace, love or even light as you can get those emotions by just assuming the state acording the law of polarization or the inner smile as I have experienced. They are nothing without you and you can only give them as much power as you allow, even in those moments that you can see past the veil through trance or half asleep and they try to scare you off you are better laughing in their face or getting angry as i’ve been managing the last instances (though easy said than done for a beginner that gets scared easily or a deeply depressed person than needs to face their shadow still)

Man it is really ‘as above so below’ you don’t really need to know the existence of a higher plane to apply the countermeasures written above to a perfectly normal cero spirituality lifestyle, it is funny the fact that you can just brush it off as ‘coincidence’ and it being a perfectly acceptable answer. The term occult its really earned.

PD: I write this after taking a cold shower, the anxiety lessened enormously and maybe the fear came from myself as I am somewhat worried for my mothers health or one of my family emotional state yet maybe parasites can crank those little cracks on your emotional wellbeing to 11 in hopes on getting you on the dark patterns again. Still doesn’t change what one has to do parasite or not.

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Here I lie enjoying a pipe in the park.

Today I banished, the level of manifestation varies always yet the most common one for me is the quiet and peace that surrounds myself after I finish, long time ago I used to just intone and imitate and hope for the best. Now I’m trying to do it while evoking the feelings on the ritual itself, I felt the tenuous presence when I call the four winds, I feel the atmosphere changing to one of peace and a light magnetism when I call for the highest light from above into my crown, I feel the noise from my mind and room being cleared when I complete the pentagram surrounding my bodies. Though I’m always torn between thinking on the above and below, I begin on my mind yet I always seek the manifestation below, on the end it doesn’t matter the ritual it’s done and the effects showed themselves, I know it’s kind of vain to seek such things for the sake of it and could lead to stagnation but one of my objectives right now is to reinforce my faith through the manifestations of things that should not be. The objective in truth is not getting it to manifest physically for I know if lusted after it nothing would really happen for my focus would not be where it truly matters but you know what I mean.

I guess it’s a matter of relaxing my body as best as I can and immersing myself on the ritual and the feelings as deep as I can until I truly get it. I know it’s damn possible to achieve that physical kind of manifestation, I remember when I did the three suns meditations how a warm sun came and how that sun moved through my body or how when I tried invoking the energy of Lucifer a blinding light manifested and how peaceful it felt afterwards. I shall focus o that area for now, relaxing my body and cleaning my mind, seeking to change my state of awareness and focus deep enough to forget my body so I can experience the subtler realm.

After banishing took advantage of my quiet mind to call Lucifer I said what came to my mind “fallen angel, light bringer, emperor of the infernal kingdom come to me and manifest you being” I felt the usual kind of effects yet this time on my core a warmth exploded and I asked to just commune with him and his energy this time. Lucifer came that’s for sure, it’s just my dummy self haven’t developed his Clair’s enough. It is strange though, I remember how the body of a spirit feel on the material realm that magnetic like moving wind or living body, time ago I also remember hearing their voices crystal clear at certain times and even once while fully awake (that one was unnerving) though I remember that I was on the right state of mind that time (I was humming a song funnily enough I did not expect it to happen at the time, didn’t even seek it). Those times sometimes feel like a dream yet when something out of the ordinary happens I get back into the current.

I have the suspicion that even though there are various planes of manifestation to be experienced, here on earth the physical senses are only a part of what is able to be manifested to our consciousness (I remember a post here saying how our eyes are only capable of a certain limited percentage of the light spectrum), shall I develop my own Clair’s would the astral manifest partly here on earth? (or rather that which always was there acquire new forms interpreted by the new input that my mind would receive?) Faeries would make an interesting case.

I have it within me yet talent be it meager or big means nothing without the practice. The safest thing to do is to keep banishing and getting even deeper on my meditations or energy work but part of me wonders If I should be more daring with my practice, start evoking or invoking certain spirits be it goetic or angelic, even if just to experience their being, to ask them who they are and what is their nature. Maybe should I ask for a certain task to be done and just watch the magic unfold itself.

The bad outcome already happened with the vampire yet I learned how to deal with it and how I have to act when such things happen. What is left now is the question of where I want to take my practice and how daring I want to be.

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Man I’m fucking angered, not sad, indifferent, or whatever. In fact for a second I felt fury ¿Do you know when was the last time I felt a glimpse of fury? Never fucking ever. For me to even felt a flicker of it with the problem I usually have when it comes to feeling emotions tells me something.

It’s 2AM, 3 hours since I started to sleep and the biggest thunder I’ve heard rocked the sky and I had a nightmare which even the most fucking pervert perverse japanse magaka would have problems coming up with, how the fuck would I dream a perversion out of horror to that goddamned extent. It made me wake up to hear the same pig sound or deep noise that I heard when I was on the deep end of fucking depression and I felt and heard that very same sound/ presence on the crown, out of instinct I swung my arm on my lower spine/ back and I think I felt something or a pressure disappear

I had not banished for a few days but at the very least I tried to compensate by having a clean space and a balanced way of acting (exercise, diet, meditation whatever) This made me jump out of bed and banish then and there fuck whatever ominous feeling was around and when Michael turn to be named took place I felt fury for a second aswell from that direction. I don’t remember but I could’ve sworn that there was a ward beside my bed, the raziel one made with chalk yet I think the water that came from the roof leak deleted it, not a good sign anyways.

Yesterday I had trouble grounding and connecting to the intellectual or emotional side of myself and It has been on and off for the last days like this, I was somewhat numbed. I should’ve taken it as a sign that something was off but well I guess you learn like this.

I banished, remade the ward and now I have to think how to proceed, with everything I guess.

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Well, the rest of the night has been eventful to say the least.. Are you familiar with that feeling when you are about to sleep yet your mind is so awake that you become more in touch with the other side? well in essence I think its a constant swing between a light theta and alpha state of mind.

The first swings towards theta during me trying to sleep was greeted by screams and vibrations out of an horror movie, by the third time I was fed up and laughed at the silliness of this all and with effort I moved my head and tried to speak with the fucker while laughing “Give it up you have already lost, take the easy way out, disappear from my life and from everyone I know or I swear I’m getting to the astral and I’ll rip you to shreds myself instead of calling a spirit to do the dirty work for me” I think I got the message across, the following swings to the theta brainwaves did not posses that ominous feelings, they were even somewhat peaceful or cheery as I remembered on my memories.

When I finally drifted to sleep incredibly I was so aware in my dreams that I immediately realized I was on a dream and became lucid by looking at the changing state of the dream space. maybe I was so awake in mind that when the physical part of myself went to sleep my mind did not went along. I guess meditation and all the stretching that I’ve been doing to relax my being paid off. My first action was to try to get to the astral yet I did not know how and any second I could slip by accident to normal state of mind and loose lucidity. I did not manage this time but something positive happened, you see I felt immense pressure on my solar plexus (I did not mention this but this place was a zone of constant attack) it felt uncomfortable like a dam with too much water, I woke in the physical for the first time with a pleasant tingling on my plexus or Dantian, like a healing magnetism instead of an explosion accompanied by pain and physical recoil

I should be observant for the next weeks, I’ve also made tremendous progress with posture/relaxation and stretching the last months which allowed me to get into lotus or sieza for longer time that ever before while being comfortable. Maybe I should focus on getting to the astral plane or achieving a different state of mind, I have somewhat grasped the concept and the feeling, time will tell.

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On the nature of spiritual attack:

what I wanted to do with this post was to describe the nature of the attacks that happened to myself due to bad practice and to write about countermeasures that worked for myself. Feel free to comment your perspective if you desire so

On resume:

  • Something wrapped on my crown
  • A very felt bite on my neck
  • My core or solar plexus felt attacked with punches and everything. Image a magnet that feels itself robbed of its magnetic camp and it’s accompanied of pain, that I felt on my core
  • Ominous feeling on my room or a cloud/nerves on my mind that went away through banishing
  • Repeated nightmares of zombies, vampires, and fighting through the months on different occasions
  • Sexual nature of attacks.

I probably forgot a few instances but this was through the span of the last year/ end of 2024 and as you can imagine it’s not pretty, on a brighter note I got it under control yet still I’m dealing with nightmares until a few months ago the most common one were the core attacks, those were painful to the point I recoil on the physical plane for a second after waking up.

A lot of those problems looking back I can sense why I was at fault:

  • The opening of my spirit to the subtler realms while I was on a bad mental state
  • The lack of banishing or spiritual hygiene due to doubts or lack of will
  • Playing around too much with the concept of love and of spirit lovers that may had had consequences even if certain ritual was not made (yeah..)
  • Taking too much time to start developing myself, even if those were simple habits like nutrition, exercise or studies and not the magical ones.
  • On a dream I had the key to the most beautiful chests and had plenty of them, but instead of opening one and equipping myself I spent time admiring them and pondering the meaning of life while I was under attack by two monsters, in the end I was dead. The symbolism makes itself very clear yikes.. I should’ve practiced more instead of pondering religion, occultism and philosophy.

Maybe a lot of pain was necessary to reach some form of stability yet that is another matter. The most confusing thing about these attacks was the fact that I very much suspect that there were two kind of spirits involved if we leave the whole demons or angels aside. A more benevolent one in nature yet sexual one and the other more animalistic, aggressive and vampiric in nature. I decided not to feed with attention and meditation the first one even If I had the chance to allow the sensations to advance and feel better due to the chance of it being a recipe for disaster if I played with something that I do not know the nature of (even if in suspicion I thought of it not to be evil). So always in my banishing I make it clear to clean everything. Around these days I do not feel the first kind anymore, at least for now.

Let my focus a little bit on the attacks themselves:

The first one is a direct attack on the area of the crown, crown chakra or whatever. Imagine waking yourself to something that sounds like a dark Mongolian throat chant and a cold and black sphere visualized in there. Before this experience that was more than a year ago I think I used to get more subtler sensations from the other realm like voices, I already felt the lack of direction in life then but I think this one exalted the problem, I don´t remember much from then yet an attack on the crown I theorize would make you disconnected from intuition or spirit itself as I remember that I never slept well around that time. Last night I’ve bounced again between theta and alpha during sleep and I felt something again on my crown, instead of there being a thick black mass what I felt was like a sphere made out of wind that emitted a tempest sound, it did not feel bad yet it did surprise me. I don’t know if it was my own crown or energy yet it is progress nonetheless from the first point.

Then there were the attacks on the solar plexus, those stopped a few months ago I think? I already commented on how they felt yet thinking on how can such think work I belive that the objective itself was the induction of fear through attack so I would be weak willed or scared, I never felt robbed per say yet maybe it could’ve escalated if I had succumbed to fear and inaction, as the pain only lasted a second I decided to get angered and exasperated, all of these attacks occurred on my being while I was asleep yet due to circumstances on dreams or a constant uncomfortableness during my sleep I woke up to these occurrences, as expected of a coward and a weakling.

Then the nightmares and the cold ambience of the room, sometimes when I got down for a little moment of meditation I found myself being not on edge yet weary, like I felt the presence of something cold and I imagined very clearly movement, at one point I got bitten and sucked on my neck with sounds and feelings included. On the long term I think these subtler vibration may have had an effect on my emotional and mental body. Through banishing the room returned to a more neutral state this led me to ponder on the world above along its effects on our subconscious and our actions here on earth.

What exactly changed within me I wonder? make no mistake I still posses nightmares if I slack off with banishing and so on yet these things do not throw me down as hard as they used to, maybe I’m more irritable during the day if such things happen. Whatever the answer to what changed within me I would say that the main methods that I used to give myself space to breath were Raziel ward which worked as a charm and the Planetary LBRP complex yet it helped me a ton with visualization. That alongside with looking for physical and mental wellbeing seemed to help the most.

So here we are, I tried to not risk paranoia and blaming everything on spirits so I’d not rob myself of authority and I focused on doing the work here on earth and a little bit on the mental plane yet looking back it it is clear that it was not paranoia at all and I dealt with something nasty. Yet on another hand I was the one that allowed this to happen for my own lack of judgement, to illustrate the few times that I left my body my surroundings were noisy, dark and uncomfortable, on a few occasions it was so until I calmed down and imagined sunlight and the ambience did an 180 incredibly quickly, so much that I couldn’t believe the astral could be so peaceful.

Maybe I harbored inside me such an expectation of the spirit world and the entity just stepped in to fill it’s role in the ambience that I created, helping me polarize myself towards that side of thinking. An attack on spirit means an attack to change ones own being and way of acting which would help harboring the necessary vibrations for such negative beings to exist in proximity to one microcosms, the more fear the better as you would create expectations of lack of power and give attention to an entity that is delighted in such things and so gains power to act, that if you are aware of the other side through dreams, trance or sixth sense. If not spiritual attack can be thought of as a change in the pattern’s of thinking which would lead to one of the capitals sins (for me sins means a concrete way of acting towards negative feelings creating a vicious cycle of self destruction)

An interesting case I thought about is how Pentecostal church’s sometimes treat any addiction, disease and Sins as a spirit (as in entity) to be combatted and banished from one’s body and mind and miraculously some people get rid of vice or illness then and there so yeah.. As above so below I guess.

In any case Banishing and Warding is an efficient solution yet I cannot think of it as acceptable ending to this problem, those are only a counterbalance. The real problem lies within me, think of it like putting a tape on a leaking pipe yeah you stopped the attacks yet the problem that allowed this to happens still lives within you, you still possess that hole, what are you gonna do about it? keep banishing forever? although necessary for spiritual hygiene its not an acceptable long term solution, just one part of the puzzle towards fixing that leak on my being.