So, basically, I feel it right to come here so I can get some advice. I believe I want to be a follower of the left hand path, because I feel like I’ve had a particular spirit or energy-based entity with me my entire life. Its a psychological thing mainly, but also physical sometimes. I remember when I was around 10 or 11, I had these struggles in my head of what I though the spiritual dichotomy was, “The Devil, Bad” VS “God, Good” as I grew from a restricted catholic family. These struggles involved me constantly not being able to side with good or evil, made me feel like I had voices in my head and my mind was being tugged from both sides like tug of war. I even remember having a sort of exorcist type prayer at my local church. Shit was unbelievable, I felt like a dual person. I’m 6 years older now than I was then, and those weird episodes of imaginatively visualizing devils and angels fighting a cruel mental war within my head have surpassed, or so I thought.
Now its different, Its not to the extent of having DID or OSDD or anything like that, but as I matured I felt a different duality take place. This time, I felt like I was 2 people stuck in one body. I had an aggressive and overpowering split and a timid and anxious split. I’ve seeked therapy for my mental health many times and I’ve always tried to tell them the same thing, however the UK adolescent mental health services I admit, with my personal experiences, not great at all. I have a great counselor thankfully, and meditation and other forms of self help tried to soothe this duality. Well, this was around the time I was very into visual arts, character design etc. Are you still reading? Sorry for boring you, but if you’re interested then, sure stay with me.
So a few good months ago, around october 2019 I decided to create a new character, someone who I thought could be some cool, edgy, fantasy soulmate character for a giggle and personal exploration. I drew a very attractive smiley “demon girl” with beady black eyes, 4 horns (two pointed up two down), 4 arms with “solve, coagula” on them, and 2 big feathered bat wings. I fell in love with her, really. She was a cool character to draw, so I would name her “Aamaria” (with a double A, idk, guess 2019 sc4r thought that was cool). I made her a fallen angel, who feels wrathful to heaven and enjoys telling stories about her fall, and I made her live in the woods underground. I also envisioned her riding on top of a draconic sort of black beast, most of you would surely know what I’m getting at. I had never even heard of the Ars Goetia, nor of anything apart from the planetary spirits in agrippa’s books. I hadn’t even considered “Astaroth” as a name for anything yet, believe it or not. When I had read about Astarte, the phoenician goddess of love and war, and later about Durga and Kali, I started to feel like I was picking up pieces of myself. I then got into the Lesser Key of Solomon and Grimoirium Verum before long and read about them. My dual mind felt like it became at peace, probably because I had figured out this seperate entity’s name after so long or something like that. I don’t know, I probably sound insane or something. My point is, I’ve read enough complicated theory that I still need to wrap my head around, but my end goal is to have invoked all natures of Astaroth and have her/him as a lifetime companion and also have gained the full knowledge of the Azerate/Qliphoth. I wish to invoke both sides of her, the beautiful queen of heaven and also the great duke of hell, and the one who will open Abbadon’s great eye.
I’ll start off sometime soon, I have some stuff to show on this forum and all help along the way is greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading, or skimming haha
Edit/PS: I am open with discussing my mental health and complexities because I am anonymous and am comfortable in discussing such. No more, no less.