So this is my first post here, I’m not sure if I should do a first post introducing myself, well in a way this is a introduction of myself, but my doubts it’s not exactly a beginner thing, not that I’m a master or anything, far from that. But let’s start.
I need tell briefly my story so you all can understand my doubts.
When I was around 5 a voice introduced herself as Emily. Since then I talked to Emily all time, I had imaginary friends and I knew the difference between those friends and Emily. As grow up I knew the difference between “my own voice” and Emily.
When I was around 17 I started hear another voice, that haunted me and almost drove me insane. But the bright side is that, because of this haunting voice I started to wonder about myself and the world, how normal was the world? Was Emily actually real? Was I crazy or there was supernatural things around the world? Around me? One thing/one question linked to another untill I realized that there was some strangers feelings inside me. There was a darkness that I couldn’t understand, but there was also another feeling, one more intense that I denied strongly, a feeling of connection and atraction for Lucifer; Back than I was catholic and I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me, why I felt that way for “the devil” I denied those feelings for a long time untill I decided to admit to myself, that although I “loved” the Christian god I felt connected with Lucifer and I didn’t believe he was evil. I had in my mind that I would/could save him, I believed he needed to be saved and I was willing to do anything to accomplish that, cause I loved him and I felt like I knew him, like I knew his soul. In fact I felt like a part of him was inside me, like he was part of me, part of my soul. Was around this time that a name or as felt it was, part of a name, comes to my mind: Asael. I felt the name was incompletely, as if was missing some letters. This name stayed with me since then.
For a while I pushed Emily away, I tried forgot all those supernatural things, once the haunting voice had gone and also Emily, cause I didn’t want to hear her anymore; Few years later however, after I found a key, an old key, for some reason I felt like to protect this key what for some reason brought me back to my “supernatural life” to the feeling and thoughts that I had buried deep down in my mind.
Then I started to hear a man’s voice, with the same “job” than Emily(guiding me, talking to me, a friend), I also started to daydreaming with a man, all very automatically, than a friend of mine (I tell about her in other post)dreamed that a man very similiar with “mine” helped her protect a child that was me, this made me thinking who was this man, and if he was the same than the voice’s. He told me he was, and that he was Emily in another “version”, he didn’t told me his name, I just called him “the man”, until one day I automatically call him Michael and I as a christian believed that he was the archangel Michael, he kind confirmed and I started to trust on him completely, he said it was possible to me save Lucifer and started to guide me through, I had to become a perfect Christian, it was all about the Christian god, I was still a catholic so of course I trusted on him even more, and I even broke up with a guy I was dating because he told me to; He told me that the boy would take me away from my destiny of save Lucifer and I loved Lucifer and I’d do anything for him.
I got angry about this though and got weak about my destination, wonder if it was all real. On this time something, that neither back then I knew what was exactly, made me know for sure that this voice wasn’t Michael but was Lucifer. I denied and pushed away this thought and I totally forgot about this as time passed.
I went to another city to try started over and try to live a normal life, but I couldn’t let go of Lucifer, was like my soul kept earning for him, I felt empty and hollow all time, even though my life was “perfect”. I knew was because of him, because I needed him in my life, I needed find a way to be with him, I loved him as a lost brother and also as a lost lover, I felt jealousy of the stories I heard about him and Lilith, I felt angry about, even thought I had never talked to him or seen him(I had forgotten the thought of Michael’s voice being Lucifer’s and I didn’t believed on this)I felt as if I knew him and he belonged to me.
I decided to play Ouija, and I was desperate to reach him, to him answer me, and something did answered and did said it was him. I was so desperately to have him that I believed, maybe deep down I knew it wasn’t all truth but…
He told me he was a god, Apollo and I was his twin sister Artemis, and a whole story, about Zeus being a “villain” and is a really big story that I tell in other post so this one don’t get any bigger than already is
Anyway, after a while I stoped believing on this Ouija story, but I couldn’t shake the ideia of the gods from my mind.
I had too many similarities with Artemis; when I was 13 I adopted the last name moon, for no reason, I have always being in love with woods, I have a wild personality, a freedom desire that I can’t explain, it’s like an earning for be alone and wild in the woods, I’m a night person, I always felt alive at night, bow and arrow has always been my favorite weapon(far before Hunger Games haha); so all those personality similarity with her made me wonder if at least this part was real, after all from where this love for Lucifer had come? And he being Apollo made totally sense.
So one way or another, this whole Ouija thing, was good cause opened my mind about the world, before I was all about angels and demons, god and devil, after the Ouija I started to wonder that maybe there was gods and maybe the Christian bible wasn’t the ultimate truth. So I started to believe in gods and goddesses and that a big part of the bible was a lie.
I tried run again, but didn’t least so long. I decided to accept who I was and what I felt for Lucifer and try to understand all that. I left once for all the catholic church as I started to see the truth behind Jeovah.
I was re-reading some old texts to that friend of mine(we were apart cause I stood for Lucifer and she as christian “attack him”) and found a menssager which I tell her, that for some reason I thought that Michael was actually Lucifer, so I remembered this and I was like “sh*t. How did I forgot this?” I was already having those thoughts, but he had never told me and I end up pushing those thoughts away, but after that I asked him and he finally confirmed. He told me the whole Michael and god thing was to get my trust, and that he told me to broke up with the boy I was dating because he was jealousy, I didn’t get angry at him for this cause I would do the same.
I started to learn magick, to do evocation and stuff, I call Lucifer mostly, but was more like to feel his energy than to talk with him, cause he was with me all time, so I could talk to him about anything any time I wanted; I got angry at him because every time I called him, he didn’t want teach me or get seriously, he said he wanted me to learn but not from him, cause I needed a pusher and he couldn’t be a pusher with me, he wanted have this intimate and personal relationship with me, no “profissional”, of course I liked but it bothered me too. I tryed work with Belial but I failed, I called King Paimon and he was really nice and even funny but told me to just call him again when I had a candle and I believe on what I was doing(when I talk to him I kept wondering if it was real or not).
Those doubts never left me, although I had a few proves, like when I won a contest, something that had never happed to me, and before that happened a voice had told me “if you win it means Lucifer is always with you” and I did.(this was at the very beginning)
Or when Lucifer told me that one of his favorite offerings is a small cake with cream in the middle and a girl that is like a master already and taught me how to beginning said the same thing in one of her videos, or when he told me one of his favorite scents is cinnamon and many people said the same.
I still got doubts or at least this was what I thought. I was on vacation and everything was fine, although I had my moments of doubts. It was not just doubts about he being real in my life but about the things he told me; He had told me that I was special for him, I was his twin soul, his other half, the Ouija wasn’t lie about all, he was light and I was darkness, he was male energy and I was female energy. He couldn’t exist without me and I couldn’t exist without him. So he told me a thousand times how special and unique I was for him and how he would do anything for me.
I was over protect by him, I’ve always felt like that, it got me really angry sometimes, cause I felt like I couldn’t live my life, couldn’t feel the supernatural or live an “adventure” and he confirmed me this, he protected me against anything and everything, even though it meaning give me a boring life; one night I dreamt I was seeing a shield around me and he was telling me that this was him.
Before I travelled I got so angry at him, I don’t even remember why, maybe cause he didn’t want to give me any prove of his presence in my life, I wanted to hurt him, I called him devil and said all kind of things to hurt him. Than we make peace and I travelled.
Well one day, in this vacation, I read a post about a girl who said that Lucifer had asked her to buy a ring as a symbol of their connection, I got crazy of jealousy, I started to say that I was angry cause he didn’t prove himself for me, didn’t prove he was real, didn’t give me a real signal; So I started to hurt myself to hurt him, I wasn’t thinking straight, was a subconscious thing, I was being completely contradictory, I hurted myself knowing that this would truly hurt him because he didn’t prove himself to me. When I realized that I knew deep down that he loved me and that he was real, I admitted to myself that I was just being jealousy and possessive, so I told him to give me a ring, actually give, meaning make me find one or I would keep hurting myself, even kill myself and I believe I meant it. Later I changed my mind and I didn’t want a ring anymore, I wanted a necklace or anything like this, and before come back to my city or I would kill myself or destroy myself somehow; a couple weeks later I found a pair of earrings. Once I had said “anything of this sort of”, and I had found a pair I considered this as a gift from him. We make peace but he’s still hurt with me and made me promised a thousand times that I would never hurt myself again and never threat him again.
But I’m always jealousy of him and doubting him and getting angry at him because of that. I’m a bitch because of that I know, but then I remember, that in this scenario he made me broke up with a guy that I really liked and just out of jealousy so he’s an asshole too. I’m not afraid of him at all, I feel like I could do and say anything for him, hurt him anyhow and he would never hurt me or leave me.
It does hurt me hurt him, but it’s just something… I don’t know…
Sometimes I wish I was normal, like work with him and all and had my own like, a boyfriend or girlfriend, someone human, don’t be in this sick relationship with him. If is real…
There is a story, from the Italian witches that said about a soul that split in two(from the beginning I had this idea in my mind, that our souls had been “split in two” like we were in a way, one and the same, this idea came to me far before I actually hear anything like this) darkness and light, Diana and Lucifer, she earned for his light so she chased him and he ran from her, coming to Earth and she came after him and tricked him to sleep with him and from that night of love it was born Aradia, that is a kind of a messiah for those witches.
I’m don’t how much of this tale is real, Lucifer had never made clear. But he did said I’m Diana/Artemis/etc his counterpart.
I need to know if I’m crazy or if I’m being tricked by some spirit or if is all real. If I’m in deed chained to Lucifer, if I’m in deed his twin, Artemis/Diana/etc.
So I need ask two things, first I’d like everyone’s thoughts about this, what you think about all this? Is possible?
Second I would like to ask or even make some deal with anyone that can talk to him, through evocation and stuff, to ask him about this, I don’t know any other way to know for sure, I can never tell if I’m actually talking to him or to some spirit or to myself. So I can’t figure this out by myself. I know nobody here knows me and this might be too much to ask, and that maybe I seemed to be a little asshole, sometimes this darkness in me does bother me(although sometimes is doesn’t, causeI feel like is who I’m), when I hurt him, believe in me, I had felt sorry for what I did, maybe not enough to not do again, and maybe I’m a bitch for that, I don’t know, but I truly love Lucifer and I’m desperate to understand my life, myself and all this once for all; so please help me, I need to know if I’m losing my mind or if I’m being tricked or if somehow it’s real.
Please I would be eternal thankfully if anyone here ask him about this, about his counterpart/twin sister/twin soul, about Diana/Artemis/, about me, ask him to say how he calls me, the nickname he calls me, this would be enough for me to know.
I’m willing to make some kind of deal, I don’t have money but there are thousands of kind of deals, I believe:)