- Formation of attachment.
The energy vampire surrounds you with attention: thanks to him you feel important and loved, and such an attitude is flattering. You begin to believe in the sincerity of his concern. He can think for himself that he has truly fallen in love, because the vampire finds excuses for all his actions.
In a normal situation, the formed attachment turns into a healthy intimacy and trusting relationship. But in this case, it ends with the formation of dependence and the subordinate position of the victim, and the man does not admit guilt. His behavior is aimed at manipulating his partner’s natural affection.
- Wine.
At a certain stage, you notice that the relationship is aimed at satisfying only his needs. An energy vampire can hurt your feelings, but it is worth voicing dissatisfaction, and he begins to prove your guilt in what happened and begins to insist that you admit your responsibility. He comes up with convincing reasons why he doesn’t have to be competent in this field, and it’s stupid of you to even ask for such a thing, etc. In other words, he makes you feel guilty.
An energy vampire believes that he should not be responsible for his behavior or expression of emotions. If he does not like anything in the relationship, he does not understand the situation, but begins to manipulate you, forcing you to plead guilty. Guilt forces the victim to give in and destroys emotional and physical boundaries, because she believes that she is obliged to please her partner.
- Cognitive dissonance.
After a period of idealization, the energy vampire proceeds to devaluation. Trying to please becomes insufficient, and no matter what you do, he shows displeasure. The stage of a relationship begins when a man feels that your couple has become too close emotionally, and (or) you want him to acknowledge responsibility for his own actions. A vampire is afraid of intimacy and commitment, so he will try to push you away.
He has manipulations in his arsenal: he uses guilt and gaslighting so that you do not dare to make claims and bear sole responsibility for the relationship. He begins to punish with silence, coming up with convincing excuses. The manipulator is confident in his right to full emotional comfort, even if to achieve it it is necessary to abuse the feelings of others.
Because you remember how well he treated you in the past, it can be difficult to realize that your partner was not who you thought he was. You can even come up with excuses, because with the help of manipulation, he instilled that you are to blame for everything.
Getting out of the trap of a vampire playing on feelings is incredibly difficult, because he enjoys the affection of the victim and gives false hope that the relationship can be “saved”. He suggests that you need to learn not to be so “demanding” and “selfish”, and he will reward you with the same caring attitude as at the beginning of acquaintance.
Effects
Such a person is not going to be responsible for the harm caused, because he has rationalized and justified his behavior. He may not be so self-confident, and he needs a long time to convince himself and get recognition from others. Then he finds the inner comfort he aspired to: for this he has to evade responsibility and emotional labor. After all, you are not dealing with a Disney villain, but with an extremely selfish person who lacks the motivation to learn how to spare the feelings of loved ones.
There are 2 ways out of the trap:
the victim completely breaks off the relationship or the energy vampire abandons her. The latter happens when he thinks she’s too much trouble. If the victim makes you feel remorse by making claims about abusive behavior, then he will perceive it as a threat. He even considers himself a victim in a relationship, because a real victim appeals to a sense of guilt, and this is frightening. The man is sincerely afraid that he will have to deal with the negative emotions that responsibility for his behavior will cause.
In the end, he breaks the connection on a dramatic note, and at this moment projects his feelings onto the victim: according to him, you are an abuser, you have harmed, you have threatened him. In a similar way, he ensures his own emotional well-being by refusing to acknowledge the facts of reality. Just remember that what happened is NOT your fault, and you are not responsible for the terrible behavior of your partner. It happens that both cause harm to each other, but abusive relationships are based on an imbalance of power, therefore, there is no question of mutual abuse. You don’t look like your abuser at all.