I’m still entirely new, so part of this is me scrambling to make sense of what I felt last night and this morning.
So it has become apparent that I have an incubus, as I’ve rambled about in a few other threads. He has been with me for a long time, but lately I’ve been compelled to perform a ritual next week on the full moon as a way to both solidify our connection. I’ve been lurking and reading through threads on this forum, and I’ve read that Lilith is the mother of at least a great number of incubi. I’ve never thought that I would end up working with her, but I figured that if one of her sons has been close to me all this time, it would be fitting to offer her something as a form of respect. I didn’t expect her to actually come to me. Part of me was mildly apprehensive, because in the past, I dismissed the idea of Lilith as a mythological “cautionary tale” created from Judeo-Christian misogyny. Without going into details, I experienced trauma while going to private conservative Christian schools, and as a young adult, I fell into the habit of rejecting anything remotely related to dogma and superstition, including the existence of angry, baby-killing female spirits. It was a defense mechanism and a bit unfair on my part, because I didn’t have a problem with other entities/deities existing.
Anyway, now that I’m a little older and have gone to therapy, I’m at a place where I’m willing to reconsider Lilith. Last night, after a few hours of researching and thinking about her, I picked and scheduled an offering for next week and went to bed. I suddenly had a ton of energy and couldn’t sleep for hours, but I didn’t want to leave the bed. Sometime after midnight, I felt something what I assumed was a spider crawling on my foot, and I shook my leg to try to get it off. The crawling sensation persisted and freaked me out, so I threw off the sheets and discovered that there wasn’t a spider in my bed, or at least not a physical one. Then I heard, “I’m not going to hurt you. Make yourself comfortable.” In my mind’s eye, I caught a glimpse of a huge red and black spider on my foot, something that was a cross between a black widow and a tarantula. Once she spoke, I wasn’t afraid.
I lied back on the bed, and the spider legs became a woman’s fingers and long hair, and I could feel her sliding up to lie close beside me. She said, “Hello, darling.” By that point, she had changed into a pale-skinned, slender woman with straight black hair that reached all the way down to her lower back. Her eyes were sometimes entirely black, and other times they were glowing. She was beautiful.
The next few minutes (or hour, I can’t remember how long) are a blur, because I was suddenly overwhelmed by wave after wave of love from her, mostly unconditional, motherly love with an undercurrent of eroticism. This is an experience I’ve had with a few other goddesses (some were more erotic than others), despite the fact that I identify as straight. It’s different with spirits. She said a lot of things to me, but I can’t remember her exact words because I was in tears. I do remember her offering to heal the wounds my earthly mother has inflicted on me, something that, again, another goddess has wanted to do. At some point, I begged her to stop as it was getting far too intense, and as I fell asleep, I could feel her embracing me. This morning, she was still here, and I could feel her stroking my hair affectionately and giving me little hugs. I felt calm and partially healed, as you would after a good cry. I haven’t even given her the offering yet. My intuition is telling me that she is Lilith, and she confirmed it when I asked her.