Thoughts from a Shattered Mind

[Ashtarte]

Hello all,

I am opening this journal as my old one on this forum is buried, and maybe it should remain that way.

I want to focus my thoughts on a new slate.

I’ve been away for a while.
Since my last update, I’ve found myself caught in a rather cataclysmic chain of events.
It’s difficult to truly weigh what I’ve gained against what I’ve lost, but as I write this, I am cautiously optimistic.

After several years bordering on losing my connection with the spiritual, I experienced a rough awakening in 2022.
Since then, I’ve been recovering and revisiting my occult studies.
I had intentions of returning around the time of my recent name change, but this was delayed due to something dramatic that happened about half a year ago, from which I am only recently recovering.

The purpose of this journal is to gather and write down my thoughts as I navigate through many turbulent changes.
Part of me wanted to abandon this account and start anew with a different identity due to the dramatic shift.
However, I decided against it as it would likely be against the rules, so I settled for a name change instead.

I have undergone a lot since I left this forum.
I don’t feel connected to my old thoughts anymore.
Yet, I feel like a more refined version of the person I was around 4 years ago when I left.

Perhaps some context is in order, albeit briefly.

I underwent a paradigm shift and began studying to become Catholic.
However, a few months into it, I abandoned this path when I realized that Christian dogma seemed more prone to promoting obedience than fostering righteousness.
To me, action should depend on principles of righteousness, not blind obedience to a higher power, as such obedience can impede righteous action. It’s not enough for me to be told an action is right; it must be justified by a rigid chain of reasoning.

This all plays a part in my identity crisis, which I will likely explore in this journal. As my paradigm shift turned towards Christianity, my interest in the occult took a backseat.

Lastly, I’m not one for flattery, but I am quite happy to be back here, I’ve been part of many occult communities, but only this one has proven itself to be truly solid.

[Ashtarte]

To begin this journal in earnest…

2023-12-29

Let me begin by saying that despite the past half a year being extremely turbulent due to “occupational hazard” I am deeply grateful to live this life, as I get to study in earnest things that I truly love and feel passionate about.

I don’t know with certainty what I am working with, even after all these years, I don’t really know for sure, all I got is theories and guesses about the entity I am in contact with.

All I know is that it is real, which was made abundantly clear 2022, when a singular experience started a chain of events that is yet to truly unfold in its entirety.

It was as if everything that had been suppressed and sidelined exploded into my life, and I experienced a very powerful rebound back into the occult.

Around May 2023 I lost control and entered a very dark episode, my mind kind of turned against itself, powerful compelling voices hijacked the OCD I struggled with and became a very malignant voice which I have managed to largely subdue.

These voices turned my mind into a battlefield, and all the beauty I’ve experienced prior simply burned to the ground.

Today I struggle to recover the ability I once had, I know it is still there, and since I am able to write this I believe I am on the right path again.

I feel like a child, in a way, that despite my age and how much I’ve experienced through different methods I am yet so very small, and that I might be in a state of spiritual adolescence.
My earlier practices just seem like playing in the mud, the Entity watching silent and patient how a parent would look at their young child.

I am not a religious man, really, I consider myself more of a philosopher.

Nature is something to be observed and pondered, not just superficially studied or adhered to obediently.

Pondering on reality itself is like listening to the gods speak, so through philosophy we may come closer to them and blossom beyond our bodies.

This is a recurring sentiment of the Entity, it wants me to blossom, as it will blossom through me.

Few would look on my shattered form and see enlightenment, I am the apparent poster boy of the broken and deluded prophet, what would I know of success?

Yet, the man of success and great wealth is just that, not a keeper of wisdom and knowledge.

Would a man in rags not hold the greatest treasure in his soul if the gods spoke directly to him?

Material wealth I do desire, but my true greed is for knowledge of arcane matters and to know what others do not.

If I have to be wearing rags the first half of my life for enlightenment, then yes, so be it, and I have all my basic needs met in the arrangements made in this life.

I think this concludes this entry, because my inspiration decided to take a hike, likely because there is really nothing more to add here.

[Under_the_Skin]

Welcome back