WARNING-will contain triggers and graphic content
This journal serves as an inside look into the mind of mental illness, conquering my inner demons, my progress through magick and meditation, and ultimately will culminate with a 10-14 day long ritual of baneful magick towards those who have inflicted great pain in my life.
Through therapy, I was recommended to read the stories of other survivors. It made me realize I wasn’t alone. If you’re reading this and have experienced similar situations, you are not alone. It WILL get better 
In the beginning…
Once upon a time in small town USA, Midwest, lived a girl. A shy, peculiar, introverted girl. She noticed things others didn’t and found beauty in the world she created in her head. That world was to shield her from all the ugliness that surrounded her. During the 90’s, where she grew up was home to the founder of one of the largest hate groups in the world. Racism plagued her small town full of small minded people, even if they they pretended they weren’t. Being mixed she was bullied merely for the color of her skin. Told daily she was ugly, fat, called the n-word just for walking down the street.
Late teens/early 20’s…
When she finally graduated from the school that had made her life a living hell she thought it would get better. She worked and traveled, and things were nice for awhile. Until the bullying in workplaces began. Followed by sexual harassment…
When she finally began dating, she was so vulnerable and naive with low self esteem that she fell into a trap of being with manipulative, emotionally abusive men. Until one day she thought she found the one. On their first date, he raped her. Two years later in a different city under completely different circumstances, it happened again.
2 years ago…
For years she tried to repress it all. She even found a job where they were all one big, happy family. She thrived, was promoted quickly, even became a social butterfly. Customers and co-workers alike adored her and she never had a day off from the social life. Until one day a slew of occurrences began one by one. First she was lightheaded all the time. Next the shakiness began. Finally it all exploded to the point where she couldn’t even talk to customers. She stuttered through her speech, her ears became bright red and felt like fire every time she tried. Crying became the new norm. She hadn’t cried in years but suddenly she cried out of the blue all the time. Thoughts ravished her mind. Every negative experience she’d replay over and over again, blaming herself for all of it. It seemed to her everyone was always looking at her and she became obsessed with what others thought about her. Finally one day at work a massive panic attack occurred and she wasn’t able to work. The downward spiral began.
Like the Descent of Inanna, little by little things were stripped from her. Her job, money, friends, security, her freedom, her figure, her travels, her luxuries, her sanity. It got to the point where she had a panic attack just thinking about leaving her home. Then finally she got into a therapy program after months of doctors visits and no cure. The diagnosis-PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, & Body Dysmorphia. Therapy began and medications were prescribed. New beginnings were happening.
Through therapy, she found meditation. Through meditation she started finding balance. Through balance she started finding courage. Through courage she found the thing that led her to the LHP. Through the LHP she started truly finding herself and her voice again. She started putting the pieces of her life back together. However she was still leaving the justice of her attackers as unfinished business. One day while reading a book on magick she read one sentence that forever changed her mindset, “Revenge is sometimes necessary to lead a happy life.”
Present day…
This is my story. Tides are turning, a new chapter begins. As I ready myself for battle, much like the Bride first I must wiggle my toe. There are no shortcuts. This is a process of healing myself inside and out, gaining strength and leading to me exorcising myself of negativity and serving justice to predatory people.
The process…
From my research on magick I was awoken to why many fail. It’s because people forget they must work on themselves too. Though I’ve been putting in some effort, I’m aware that I have to run that extra mile if I want to hit the finish line to ascending to my best possible self. This is my game plan:
- Journaling all my faults and aligning them with elements and solutions for balance
- Twice daily aura cleansing
- Daily healing meditation
- Daily energy working
- Chakra working
- Exercise
- Healthy eating
- Research
- Banishing
During this I’ll be forced to relive experiences that will make me uncomfortable so a support system is crucial:
- Therapy-my local therapy clinic is not only free but available 24/7 if needed.
- No heavy entertainment-mainly comedy and uplifting music.
- Yoga/Belly dancing
- Meditating
- Crafting/drawing
- My best friend/family whom I can tell anything
- Taking long walks and getting in touch with nature
Throughout this process I will continue working with my patron Goddess, Inanna, as well. However I must strengthen our bond and myself as much as possible. Through reading about sigil magick I realized that spirits can’t be relied on like a crutch for magick. Not that I have been doing this. My workings with Inanna thus far are only for protection and guidance. My realization of completely relying on any demon, god, spirit is just as this: If you were having financial problems would you ask a complete stranger for help or a close friend or family member? Naturally you’d ask someone you’ve built a relationship with. That’s why many workings fail because people merely want fast results and get involved with spirits they haven’t gotten to know.
In fact you can perform magick on your own merits with your own energy, but I’ll get into that later…
The Ritual…
For clarification, my usage of baneful magick will not be to kill anyone or for anyone to be stricken with disease. My outcome will be for them to be plagued by the wrongdoings they have done and for their masks to be lifted exposing their true selves to the world. No, I’m not going after someone who broke up with me for a more attractive woman. These people are predators, racists, rapists, sociopaths, and psychopaths. I was not their only victim. They are proficient in the art of pain that they caused to countless others. These people are respected members of their communities, power players, who have gotten away for too long.
Through study of sigil magick I came across the process of creating a sigil for each target. This only requires you and your own energy and intention. However, I will be using this process in conjunction with invoking Inanna. Inanna is the Goddess of War and the Guardian of Law and Order. She is known for helping with vengeance, healing, and justice. For battle she will make the perfect companion.
From my study of sigil magick, red magick is used for self defense, dealing with enemies, and dealing with emotions caused by repression. With this ritual I be working with red magick as well. For the utmost results a series of ritual lasting over an extended period of time is recommended-one week, 10 days, 2 weeks. The amount of time will depend on my target list, focusing only on the worst of the worst and closing with a healing ritual.
The invocation has been written, but we’re not quite at the finish line. This is where my journey begins…