Just a journal for me to talk about my experiences with confronting certain aspects of myself and trying to grow from it. I feel like this will be more of a vent + psych journal more than touching on magick, but I hope maybe the advice and lessons I learn may also help others who are experiencing similar problems.
Each entry will probably follow in this manner:
Discussing the issue + lesson I learned
Advice or How I managed to overcome the problem
Entry 1: “I hope you don’t have a Martyr Complex” or Dealing with a difference in relationship (friends/family/loved ones) expectations
Recently I’ve come to the conclusion that despite my efforts to distance myself from those who would use me, I should’ve anticipated that only a person who’s close to you can plunge a knife into your back. I feel like as humans, we have an instinctive reaction to those who we have opened ourselves up to, as we always tend to assume that the time and energy we’ve given to others is something that will be reciprocated in turn. A relationship (whether friend, family, or beloved) is a two way road after all, or at least, it should be.
However, it’s this innate expectation of reciprocation that becomes a pitfall, and our tendency to see the best in others blinds us to what we really know deep in our hearts. It becomes a point of contention, typically leading to sorrow and pain and wrath, easily disrupting our minds and souls. And it’s only by confronting the truth that we may perhaps become enlightened and unmoved.
I started doing this exercise in order to help me come to terms to where I really place certain people in my heart and vice versa, and manage my expectations. I’m sure there’s probably a proper name for it, but I call the exercise “Would I take a bullet?” (and like the entry title, hopefully you don’t have a martyr complex):
It starts with separating people into different categories (be brutally honest):
I would not go out of my way to be injured for this person
I would be grazed by a bullet for this person
I would take a nonfatal, non-permanent bullet injury for this person
I would take a nonfatal, permanent bullet injury for this person
I would take a fatal bullet for this person
Then, take those people who you’ve categorized, and now think “Where would these people put me?” Remember, be BRUTALLY HONEST. No one is in your mind judging you for where you place these people, and if you’re putting people in categories you know in your heart they don’t belong, the exercise becomes futile. Furthermore, it helps shed away the pretenses that we tend to put around other people: “Oh, I’m sure they actually care about me a great deal” vs “I know that they would probably only take a nonfatal, non permanent bullet injury for me”.
You can even break down some of the categories even further: such as “how long of a recovery time would I take for this non-permanent injury? 1 month? 6 months? a year?” or even “how permanent of an injury would I be willing to take? Nerve damage? A lost limb?”
Furthermore, remember that it’s not necessarily a bad thing where you put other people/where you feel they’d put you. It’s simply to help you recognize whether or not there’s a disparity in your two-way street, and if so, then you have a choice to make.
I highly doubt many people will read this journal (given that it is a journal ) But if you’ve made it this far, I hope this advice can also help you out.