The Phoenix's Shadow(work)

Just a journal for me to talk about my experiences with confronting certain aspects of myself and trying to grow from it. I feel like this will be more of a vent + psych journal more than touching on magick, but I hope maybe the advice and lessons I learn may also help others who are experiencing similar problems.

Each entry will probably follow in this manner:

  1. Discussing the issue + lesson I learned

  2. Advice or How I managed to overcome the problem

Entry 1: “I hope you don’t have a Martyr Complex” or Dealing with a difference in relationship (friends/family/loved ones) expectations

Recently I’ve come to the conclusion that despite my efforts to distance myself from those who would use me, I should’ve anticipated that only a person who’s close to you can plunge a knife into your back. I feel like as humans, we have an instinctive reaction to those who we have opened ourselves up to, as we always tend to assume that the time and energy we’ve given to others is something that will be reciprocated in turn. A relationship (whether friend, family, or beloved) is a two way road after all, or at least, it should be.

However, it’s this innate expectation of reciprocation that becomes a pitfall, and our tendency to see the best in others blinds us to what we really know deep in our hearts. It becomes a point of contention, typically leading to sorrow and pain and wrath, easily disrupting our minds and souls. And it’s only by confronting the truth that we may perhaps become enlightened and unmoved.

I started doing this exercise in order to help me come to terms to where I really place certain people in my heart and vice versa, and manage my expectations. I’m sure there’s probably a proper name for it, but I call the exercise “Would I take a bullet?” (and like the entry title, hopefully you don’t have a martyr complex):

It starts with separating people into different categories (be brutally honest):

  • I would not go out of my way to be injured for this person

  • I would be grazed by a bullet for this person

  • I would take a nonfatal, non-permanent bullet injury for this person

  • I would take a nonfatal, permanent bullet injury for this person

  • I would take a fatal bullet for this person

Then, take those people who you’ve categorized, and now think “Where would these people put me?” Remember, be BRUTALLY HONEST. No one is in your mind judging you for where you place these people, and if you’re putting people in categories you know in your heart they don’t belong, the exercise becomes futile. Furthermore, it helps shed away the pretenses that we tend to put around other people: “Oh, I’m sure they actually care about me a great deal” vs “I know that they would probably only take a nonfatal, non permanent bullet injury for me”.

You can even break down some of the categories even further: such as “how long of a recovery time would I take for this non-permanent injury? 1 month? 6 months? a year?” or even “how permanent of an injury would I be willing to take? Nerve damage? A lost limb?”

Furthermore, remember that it’s not necessarily a bad thing where you put other people/where you feel they’d put you. It’s simply to help you recognize whether or not there’s a disparity in your two-way street, and if so, then you have a choice to make.

I highly doubt many people will read this journal (given that it is a journal :joy:) But if you’ve made it this far, I hope this advice can also help you out.

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Journals actually get regularly read here, I will be following along with this one. Honestly, for mo 99% of the people I would categorize I would be putting in the nonfatal or not at all cat.

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Thank you for the support! :laughing: But yes that’s a perfectly valid answer! The whole point of the exercise is to try and remove all the moral pretenses that might motivate us to act differently if a similar situation took place in real life (obligation, possibly martyr complex, etc).

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I’m worst at categorizing family. I am far too forgiving and too easy on judgement.


I only placed a few friends in my list and besides one girl that I know loves me but is scares of getting hurt it was pretty ovious to me when I thought friend I immediately sorted out acquaintances. I do tend to think that the other person is going to get hurt worse them I am for example an arm for an arm both me and my best friend would be like fuck that but if it saves the other life I know we jump in. I do think that I’d basically take a bullet for most people if it was a non permanent damage and saved there life. I’ve also been the person who jumped Into a 6 vs 1 fight befor because a friend was being jumped. That friend I think wouldn’t take a bullet for me unless it was to save my life but I sorta have a spirit helping me say if they would say yes or no even though they don’t know then I don’t think there able to know it’s sorta cool.

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I guess I’m just lucky family was easy as fuck for me to say yes both ways besides besides females I know would would be to scared of being hurt to do anything but my sister’s would both step infront ova bullet forme and visaversa.

So I think doing this is making me feel more likely to actually jump infront of a bullet for someone I know wouldn’t do it for me just because I assume it’ll be worth it I shalnt die but they might of. But on the bright side I know you helped me with being able to do it for those I truelly care for.
Thinks to self I should wear bullet proof vest so I can always be hero… Gets shot in dick…

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