Today is the birthday of my beloved maternal grandmother, who passed away in 2013. She was an incredible woman who deserved to have lived much longer. I went to the cemetery, where her remains lie, with my mother to sort some things out and it was a bit painful to remember that she is no longer here…
I’ve been keeping this diary out of date because I’ve been focusing on studying for my chemistry exam on Wednesday, and I’m still working out how I’m going to reconcile my mundane life with my magical one.
It sucks, but I have cheats, so… 
Today’s thoughts ⎯ I think I’m trying to beat my previous record of going a long time without posting 
A lot of things have happened in my personal life, that I don’t feel like telling you about, as I’ve been too busy with the mundane. Unfortunately, very unfortunately, I haven’t been able to practise much or make any progress with my clairvoyance; in fact, I’ve ended up drifting a little away from the spiritual itself.
I even neglected the spirits I’ve been communicating with, who help me progress, and this was necessary, but it caused me some discouragement. You see, even though I couldn’t concentrate on the spiritual, I still made petitions (which were quicker and without a lot of ceremonialism) and I still found time to read about it, so I didn’t withdraw completely, it was just a time I needed to organize my life and my perspective on it.
I think that in the end, I won’t be able to let it go, I’ll always be pulled back in no matter what happens, or doesn’t happen.
Magick has become part of my life, something that is NECESSARY for me to function properly, and… I love the idea of being able to accomplish things that were impossible in my head.
Not to mention that I also needed to decide on my income, after all, I can’t depend on the government forever, it is not?
Anyway, I still have A LOT of mundane things I need to do before I dedicate myself body and soul to the occult, and the two most important things are: getting out of this madhouse where I study (the learning isn’t bad, but I’m fed up with studying in this place and even more so something that doesn’t interest me) and getting a great grade in the ENEM, the second part of which will be held this Sunday 
I’m going to do a bit of magick to help me with that, which will be difficult because my sister has gone back to sleep at home (in my room) and that’s disrupting the privacy I used to have at night.
In a way, that’s the least of it, I’ve dealt with it in the past (when I was just starting out with magick), and I won’t stop now. I’ll find a way, even if I have to do it in the afternoon, in a forest very close to my house.
This was just a little update (and a way of keeping me constant with magick).
I’ll be back soon!
Today’s thoughts:
“A winner is a dreamer who never gives up.”
At the moment I don’t have words to express what I think, but I leave above this quote from Nelson Mandela that, in a way, defines me at this moment.
Well, this is a combination of the 22nd and 23rd, when, after feeling pressured by myself, I sat down and did about 8 minutes of meditation, using the usual angelic words, on the 22nd.
Unlike the other times, I only alternated between the mantras AY - EEM - МАТА - АН and
VA LA VEEM KA LA FEEM KO SUN.
I didn’t feel anything this time, no dizziness, tinnitus or pressure (at least not so noticeable, at the top of my head).
As I used these mantras, I realized that if I use a certain amount, combined with certain mantras, I am hit by rather unpleasant symptoms, such as: strong dizziness, headache (as if they were pressing their hands around it and tiredness).
However, I’ve noticed that this only happens when I use the Tek- La- Ton- Fo- Kem mantra for a long time, even though there is a warning about using, which ends up producing these side effects. Even though I only use it occasionally and I know it’s this mantra that does it, because, even without using it, I still have these symptoms, to a lesser extent, and only after using it are the effects magnified.
In other words, if I don’t combine it with other mantras (e.g. 5 minutes of meditation on each one) I still have these problems, but if I use it I’ll still feel them, only worse.
Well, it doesn’t bother me so much, in fact I like the vibrating sensation I feel when I meditate (it’s relaxing and somewhat addictive 
), especially when I vocalize them. So I’m fine with that.
In the morning, at about 3:44, on the 23rd, something funny happened. I had a strange dream, I’m not sure what it was about since I didn’t even bother to write about it, I’m just putting it here because I found it curious…
Well, in the dream, I was going through a difficult time (the discouraging and depressing kind) and in that dream I thought about Belial, how he helped me a lot at the beginning of my path and how much I like his presence. There were other thoughts of mine in the dream about him, but I think they’re too ridiculous to talk about here, and they’re certainly not what I really think
Now the funny thing, I woke up, went to the bathroom and came back, ready to sleep again, enjoying the rain that was falling, after a long 100 years without raining here in my city. But… on an impulse I decided to turn on the Wi-Fi and see if there were any important notifications, there weren’t any, just things from YouTube, but in the middle of these notifications there was one that caught my eye and I laughed when I read it.
I’ll leave the screenshot I took at the moment:
(Note: don’t judge me, I’ve loved hearing about supernatural stories since I was a child, it’s a habit I have, even though most of the stories be a pure lie).
For those who don’t understand or are too lazy to translate, it says this: the beggar was the demon Belial in lupine form.
Honestly, if it’s a coincidence, it’s the strangest one I’ve ever had, especially since I told myself I wasn’t going to contact him for a while, two days ago, since I’ve been concentrating on not freaking out again about going back to school after a month’s vacation. And ah, eh…
I’m kind of dealing with a strong procrastination in relation to studying…
And it started on the 10th, the date I determined to start studying, so far I haven’t studied anything, even though most of those days I actually had to go out all day and only come back in the evening, tired, so I couldn’t study).
I tried King Paimon, and the story is too long to talk about here and I don’t want to extend this post any further. In short, I wanted him to help me pass these exams (which are compulsory in my course) and now I feel so incapable and, in a way, stupid for making him waste his time on someone who has no consistency.
A while after I thought this, I think about 5 minutes later, I heard, I think it was my conscience, I don’t know, say:
“ I’m not angry with you, you just have to have the determination to act and find a routine that works, one that doesn’t leave you frustrated when you don’t accomplish it, as this only increases your insecurity and laziness ”.
I don’t know if it was really him or not, but I feel that, in my current situation, I couldn’t make such an accurate analysis of my situation.
And about the laziness part, the feeling I had wasn’t in the literal sense of the word, but rather
“that when I see that I’m not going to achieve something, I simply, instead of reviewing it and finding more reliable ways to achieve that goal, I let it go, I don’t try to find improvements or a more favorable outcome”.
And well, I was thinking of calling Belial precisely to help me have more attitude, because it seems that, so far, he is the only one who makes me act more in pursuit of my goals and when I say act, I mean in the most hardcore way, you know? Acting under pressure is how I really get things done. Will I be exhausted afterwards? Yes, but in the end I get good results, even if I end up getting beaten up by him (not literally, of course).
Me writing here is just proof of that, I procrastinated this diary too… 
I really don’t want to go to the doctor to deal with this problem, procrastination, even though it has emotional roots and treatment in this part could help me to have more control over this issue. However, I hate talking about my life, or what’s bothering me, to a doctor, so I’m going to look for other means, not just magical ones, to combat it.
And this is going to be an arduous journey…
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Just a quick update, yesterday I started studying and managed to understand the damn subject (balancing by oxirreduction), something that was driving me crazy! And I didn’t even call him, but I intend to do it today.
Now I feel a bit more confident and want to do the exercises to train and be better prepared for the exams 