The old me won

General Discussion
1

Alright, so here’s what happened…

Lately I’ve been feeling a whole lot of hatred and loathing. Not for others, but for myself.

I don’t know why. Or rather I didn’t know why. Now I do.

The person I had become was dying. My subconscious did something I didn’t expect. It more or less held a grudge match between myself, and my old self within a dream.

I wanted to kill my old self, but my old self won. Now there’s very little trace of the newer self left. It’s all gone.

As soon as my old self won, I came off of the weed. Just like that, started saying no to drugs. Which is something my old self did. Not the new one.

I haven’t had any anxiety attacks in 72 hours (knock on wood). I have ativan just in case, but I haven’t had to use any. I’ve still got the 6 I started out with. Just knowing I have that as a contingency gives me peace of mind.

I’ve gone from being scared of the anxiety, to borderline challenging it. I’m back in my “Alright, bring it on bitch.” state of mind. Which I guess is better than the other…

I had 4 consecutive attacks, followed by a nervous breakdown after the dream where my old self triumphed over the new self. Felt like all of these versions of myself were caving in on one another. And like I was trying to come out on top. Only no matter what, I was coming out on top. Just not necessarily that version of myself.

I couldn’t stop shaking, and I couldn’t stop crying. I felt like Humpty Dumpty. Like I fell apart and couldn’t put myself back together again.

Now that I’m calm and collected again I feel old. And I mean old… I don’t feel 20, I don’t feel 40 and I don’t feel 80.

I feel 1000 fucking years old.

The saying “you’re an old soul” has new meaning to me.

2

Sweet! Here’s your membership card, your “Welcome package” should arrive in the mail soon.

In all seriousness though, this sounds less like a battle between “old self” and “new self” and more a dissolving and coagulating process. What I mean is that the impurities in the original product must sometimes be removed to proceed forward. For instance, in your case, its one thing to be “straight edge,” but its a completely different thing to say “I’ve been down that path, and I don’t like it, so I changed.” One holds more gravitas, if you get what I’m saying.

I myself went through something very similar over the summer, actually. Anxiety attacks and everything (I had never had an anxiety attack up until that point in my life). But we push forward, we die and are reborn, as this.

3

[quote=“Creed, post:2, topic:4379”]Sweet! Here’s your membership card, your “Welcome package” should arrive in the mail soon.

In all seriousness though, this sounds less like a battle between “old self” and “new self” and more a dissolving and coagulating process. What I mean is that the impurities in the original product must sometimes be removed to proceed forward. For instance, in your case, its one thing to be “straight edge,” but its a completely different thing to say “I’ve been down that path, and I don’t like it, so I changed.” One holds more gravitas, if you get what I’m saying.

I myself went through something very similar over the summer, actually. Anxiety attacks and everything (I had never had an anxiety attack up until that point in my life). But we push forward, we die and are reborn, as this.[/quote]To explain it… It’s almost like my subconscious said enough is enough. You’ve had your fun, 4 years of immaturity is enough. And it crushed almost all of the new self that had come to be known by everyone around me.

Some things stayed… Which leads me to believe than not everything was the new self’s doing. Those were things I actually wanted.

Even though I have no interest in smoking it myself anymore, I still enjoy being around the plants and cultivating them. I still want to grow marijuana.

But the hatred and self loathing I’ve felt for so long is gone now. The internal struggle is over. I feel like I’ve evolved. I’m sort of at peace for the first time in a long time.