Last night, I called out for the first time as the Moon waxed for the attention of a number of Goddesses whom I believed could help my grieving friend that recently lost her son. Among them was Brigid/Bride, Freyja, Hathor, Nut, Isis and her link/possible mask The Blessed Mother Mary.
I submerged (chest underwater) myself in water as hot as I could stand, because 1, I figured Goddesses would appreciate a lack of modesty/shame about the female form (so being naked rules) and because I know submerging my chest in really hot water for a long time makes me physically uncomfortable and makes my heart speed up. I offered them that discomfort for their attentions and to show that I was serious. I told them my intentions for the coming days and asked their assistance as Mother’s, Grievers, and Pyschopomps all while in deep meditation. I thought I physically heard a little high-toned murmuring voice for a moment, but it was quickly gone and I didn’t catch what it said.
When I came out of meditation, I noticed my heart was pounding in my ears and there was a lot of sweat on my upper lip. I then lit a candle in their honor and thought about their kindness and beauty while the candle light danced around the room.
I slipped into the mental sweet spot as I lay in bed afterwards. And while seeing all my blue and black blobs undulating in the background visual noise, I tried to look past them, and thought I could just make out the silouette of robed shoulders and a cowled head. Dark but nonthreatening. With a momentary flash of long yellow hair and a welcoming smile. Though the first impression was male.
Did I actually finally manage to get somewhere in my efforts to see, hear, feel, and/or know in order to communicate with them?
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Set up a sugary offering (naturally slow to g bad) on a bed of sweet-smelling citrus on a quartz platform to dedicate each night of the waxing moon. My candle light was strobbing last night.
At work today, I had intruding conversational thoughts pop up. It asked if I was at all entertained by what I was doing. I answered just in case. My answer was “Not really, no, but it’s part of the price for being a physical biological human, until I can create an income without a boss.”
I’m in a weird place right now. I feel alright about my attempt to help my friend and it’s success, and I’m very glad that I did it alone instead of trying to ask another practitioner I know to help.
He came over to hang out with my husband and me on Saturday, and everything was great when we were all admiring the full moon and catching glimpses of fireflies high up in the trees. But then he suggested we do ritual type stuff. He wanted to do the LBR and try to sense each other’s energies and such…but during it, I got turned off to it and even a little disappointed. It was very JCI and I felt nothing much but deep jarring jitters under my rib cage that he admitted came from his projected air energy.
There came a point in which he was talking about chakras and ‘joked’ about my husband letting Jesus into his heart chakra. It didn’t feel like a joke though, since our friend admittedly works with Jehovah, etc. So I immediately rejected and blocked and the jitters went away.
I felt disappointed that one of the few people I could practice with, just didn’t mesh energetically/magically, and that I couldn’t pick up on anything but his nervous air energy. I also started wondering if I’m just bad at this and/or am not interesting enough to acquire teaching, messages, or help from those I call.
I felt kind of empty and angsty into the next day, with a feeling in my chest that bordered on numbbess. And then, it was back to another time-absorbing, feet-hurting, not-in-control-of-my-own-life-in-exchange-for-grocery-money, week of work at the distribution center.
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