Dear Uncle Al,
‘I’ve been reading these boards for a few days and I decided to evoke Satan, but nothing happened…I bought a deck of Old Mother Hubbard’s Porpoise Taro cards, so can I just use the little booklet that came with the cards?..I need money so I did a spell but nothing happened…’
That’s right! Bummer! I should get a book published, The Grubby Grimoire of Shit-Stopper Magick.
Introduction: Distinctions between the right and left hand paths, with various techniques compared and contrasted.
Chapter 1: Banishing followed by evoking. I’d include material about how to destroy bad habits, protect yourself in the pedestrian world and suck the life out of people via banishing rituals. After successful learning banishing, evoking is the same, only the reverse and completely different. Both are fundamental, lifetime rituals.
Chapter 2: A Brief Discursus upon Magick Weapons: Manufacture, Consecration and Uses. I’d include The 4 Laws of the Sphinx. Also the importance of a ruled page Magickal Journal and the notes you should keep.
Chapter 3: How to gather energies by adopting the runic body posture of Elhaz, how this energy builds near your solar plexus and how these energies can be directed by always keeping your arms straight and allowing the energies to escape through your palms. I’d also discuss negative energies collected barefoot on the earth through the feet.
Chapter 4: Divination. I’d strongly suggest the I Ching for mundane issues and the Taro for greater matters. I’d talk about the relationships of Atu 1 to 7, 8 to 14 and 15 to 21 and a few other matters. (If you think that the Taro is just about divination then go penetrate yourself!)
Chapter 5: Sigils: the basic principles, plus chanting with beads, maybe incense.
Chapter 6: Using a Ouija Board with Consecrated Seal and Pendulum. This would be a short chapter as it’s pretty straightforward. I’d add a few true to life bad outcomes via the board as well, but who reads or believes those.
Chapter 7: Magick: Various Schools and philosophies, the usual suspects and their theorems, from a working lhp perspective. The importance of raw emotion, unthinking delivery and repetition. Shorthand, sleight of mind techniques and stuff you can do whilst standing on queues or at the supermarket.
Chapter 8: The importance of Mind Fuck, The Lesser Headless Ritual and possibilities thereof.
Chapter 9: Spiritual entities: Evocation-v-Invocation, promises, pacts, bodily juices. Naamah and King Paimon would get particular mention.
Appendices and Afterword: Selected essays and notes on the mysteries of Nicotine & Caffeine Magick plus western tradition, Caviar & Champagne Magick (or how to achieve self-divinity in the bathroom) together with deep apologies, delightful digressions, shocking filth and with random notes of the blind, dark cul-de-sac type.