Hello, everyone. Ess here! This is a place for me to discuss things that I have been experiencing and to potentially get feedback from all of you. If you relate to any of the experiences I describe here, or have a bit of information you think coulld help me out, feel free to share!
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I figured a recap of the experiences that led me to this path would make for a good first entry, so here goes nothing!
CHILDHOOD
I would describe my childhood asā¦ Christian-adjacent. Considering Iāve lived in the Bible Belt my entire life, itās safe to say that the religion has influenced me somewhat, but itās never been that prominent. My mom would pull the whole, āif you do -insert ~bad~ thing-, youāll go to Hell,ā and I was encouraged to pray, but Christianity wasnāt really a big deal to me. Iād only ever go to church if someone invited me to go, and that was relatively rare. Iād pray sometimes- mainly to beg for forgiveness or give thanks for something- but never got much of a response. Maybe I just wasnāt trying hard enough? Or perhaps that god just doesnāt particularly give a shit about me, haha. It was due to this lack of response that led me to being suspicious about the claims different religions would make. Where was their proof? I felt the same suspicion towards atheists claiming the exact opposite of what these religions did. Where was their proof?!
I found myself sympathizing more with the atheists, though, and considered myself an (agnostic!) atheist for many years.
THE JOURNEY BEGINS
Over time, I found myself developing some veryā¦ I donāt know, nihilistic views? Thatās probably not the best word for it, but I considered myself a nihilist soā¦ weāll go with that. After realizing the relativity of pretty much everything we hold dear, from our morals to our favorite ice cream flavors, and the lack of evidence to suggest we serve any kind of divine purpose in this universe, I struggled to see the point in living. If this world is so hollow, and our experiences such pointless illusionsā¦ then why continue on anymore? Why not just off myself and spare myself the trouble of living through such an empty existence? Granted, I wouldnāt have actually done something like that (too chicken), and felt even less inclined to do so after a veryā¦ interesting dream (perhaps I will tell yāall about it later :P)ā¦ but it weighed heavily upon me. I realized, though, that I couldnāt just accept these beliefs without testing them first. I wouldnāt be much of a āskepticā, now would I, if I failed to seek out any evidence for myself?
In the town where I go to college, thereās a little metaphysical store that sells all sorts of witchy stuff. After learning what pendulums are, I decided I would go there with some of my friends and purchase one. Though as we headed that way, I began to question my choice. Was this really something I should be doing? Upon getting there, I got my answer: there, on the front porch of the store, was a plant. Inside the plantās pot was a nametagā¦ with MY name on it. I took it as a sign that I was supposed to be there, and purchased a pendulum and board.
Around this time, I found myself frequenting the Demonolatry Practices subreddit. Throughout my teen years, I had mixed feelings about the concept of demons. On the one hand, they were absolutely terrifying- spirits seeking to harm you without any way for you to fight back, because you canāt see them?! EEK! On the other hand, I found the Abrahamic myth of Lucifer to be quite moving. It has to be one of my favorite myths ever. I justā¦ felt so bad for Lucifer. I learned of a pendulum ritual you could do to find your āguardian demons,ā as the site called them, and got some interesting results.
And after discovering that I am elementally aligned (?) with Lucifer (air signs REPRESENT!), and learning that perhaps I could contact him by way of my dreams (Iāve always had very vivid dreams), I decided I would do just that. I drew his sigil, learned his enn, and went to bed chanting it. This is where things got weird. As I chanted the enn in my mind, I started having what I can only describe as visions. I daydream/creatively visualize frequently, so I know what itās like to see things in my head. These werenāt like that- I couldnāt control them, for one thing. Another sign that these werenāt my usual mental images was the fact that I couldā¦ āseeā them. Itās like they were right in front of my eyes, whereas my daydreams were more like flashes. The most notable vision was that of a naked woman staring me dead in the eyes. I didnāt feel threatened by her, but her gaze was quite intense.
My original plan was a bust. Due to my nerves/excitement, I found myself much too restless to fall asleep comfortably. Instead, I fell into a fretful slumber, the kind where, when you wake up, itās as if you didnāt sleep at all. I went about my morning routine, before realizing that, if I didnāt at least lie down for a bit, I wouldnāt be able to function later in the day. Eventually, I managed to relax somewhat, and I lay in my bed, trying to take a nap. As my thoughts drifted, a name slipped through my mindā¦ āLuciferā.
Suddenly, the lids of my eyes were painted in a pastel yellow light. I do mean painted, too. It was unlike anything Iād ever seen before. I sat there, eyes closed, staring at it in confusion. I didnāt know what to make of it. When I opened my eyes, it was gone. At first I thought that perhaps it was sunlight filtering into my room and hitting my eyelids, but Iāve yet to recreate exactly what I saw that day. I take that as a sign I was heard.
CURRENT ISSUES
What I struggle with most right now is mental leftovers from past belief systems, for the most part.
The relativity of everything kinda makes me wonder what the point in feeling and doing anything is, and sometimes I think that perhaps it would be best to simply assimilate into ~tHe SOuRCe~. However, I also enjoy being an individual, and from what Iāve read from users on this site, you canāt permanently assimilate into The Source like people keep trying to do; youāll just becoming an individual for eternity. So itās just a matter of me trying to balance my individuality with the oneness, and enjoying life despite the subjectiveness being at odds with my desire for objectivityā¦ if that makes sense.
Next is, of course, me wondering if Iām going crazy (or am already crazy) for believing any of this. Iāve had some ~wacky~ experiences since Iāve started this journey, but thereās a part of me that doubts it all still within me. Kinda makes it hard to do anything magick- or spirit-related, but Iāll manage.
And oh, how could I forget my fear of being deceived? Iām constantly worried that the Christians (and other Abrahamic faiths) are, in fact, right about everything. That their god is the one true god, that all these other spirits are lying to us and theyāre somehow āfalseā, and that weāre going to suffer big time if we donāt comply with their contradictory doctrine/s. But itā not just these faiths that I fear; I just fear that Iām being deceived in general. Whether it be spirits not being who I think they are, or even that this is one big computer simulation (presumably VR, forā¦ some reasonā¦?) that I must die to escape fromā¦ yeah, this makes it hard to live my magickal life. Hopefully I can find some kind of ritual or spell orā¦ oofā¦ therapy for this.
Iām going to be honest: Iām really struggling right now.
Iāve been aware of the fact that I fear uncertainty and deception for some time now- since before I started this journey, actually- but time hasnāt made it any easier to deal with.
It seems I want to cling on to any belief system I can get my hands on and not let go, screaming all the while that it is THE TRUTH and that anyone who says otherwise is EVIL, STUPID , or A LIAR. The fact that I would never know if there was an afterlife or not unless I myself died drove me up a wall before. Now it seems that, since Iāve accepted that at least some of the spiritual stuff I used to scoff at might be true, part of me has latched onto, āwhat if Christianity is right after all?!ā
Logically, I know that isnāt true. Plenty of people on this very forum have pointed out inconsistencies with its doctrine - Iāve got a lot of them bookmarked for reference purposes. Emotionally, though? Not so much. Iām pretty sure this is fear driving me towards this, not any genuine calling.
It doesnāt help that Christianity praises the sort of weak, self-loathing behavior Iāve spent years engaging in. Not only that, it praises a lack of critical thought and experimentation, something that used to disgust me so much, but now I find myself not being critical enough, not exploring enough. Iāve cultivated all of these things within myselfā¦ Iāve trained myself to be a sheep when I couldāve been a wolf. (Yes, I know thatās probably a cringeworthy metaphor, but yāall get what I mean.)
I know that the only way out of this is through, but this definitely wonāt be easy. How can I go through when Iām constantly afraid that Iām being lied to?! Itās driving me nuts. But I canāt give up. Iāve had a taste of being a strong individualā¦ why not taste some more?
I wish there was a way I could reprogram my brain in an instant, but as far as I can tell? Thatās not possible.
Iām still not in the best headspace right now, but I figured itād be fun to talk about some of the weird experiences Iāve had in my life. Might actually help me feel better, too!
THE PROPHETIC DREAM
This happened so long ago that the details are very blurry. I was in elementary school at the time, and one night, I had a dream where one of my classmates asked a question aboutā¦ something. I want to say an assignment we had to do, but again, itās been awhile. Anyway, the next day at lunch, they asked that same question, and I immediately said, āThatās what you said in my dream!ā Considering what the conversation that followed had been about, Iām pretty sure this wasnāt anything we had discussed before, so it hadnāt been my brain just recycling something it had already heard once before.
THE SHADOWY FIGURE
This next recollection is a bit longer and is one of my favorites to share. It happened several years after the experience above.
At the time, my house looked like this:
When you came through the front door, youād find yourself on a platform of sorts that looked directly into the living room. If you turned to the left, youād find a hallway that containted all the bedrooms and a bathroom. If you went straight, youād go down a little step and be in the living room. Go a little further straight, turn right, and youād find the dining room. The living room and dining room were not separated by a wall. If you sat at the dining room table, you could look over the couch and see the TV. If you sat on the couch, you could turn around and see the dining room table.
One day, I was sitting on the couch, and my older sister sat directly behind me at the dining room table. We watched TV together in silence. As I stared at the TV, I saw shadows begin to- I donāt know, accumulate? - in the corner of my eye. I thought nothing of it at firstā¦ until it moved. Now, normally I wouldnāt bat an eye at this sort of thing - I see things out of the corner of my eye frequently, and they always disappear when I turn to look at them. No big deal. But this is where things get weird. You know how you can kind ofā¦ track where people are even when you canāt see them? You can FEEL them move, in a way. This was like that. I felt a pressure on the back of my head that let me know where this shadow was headed. When it moved past me, and I could no longer feel it, I turned my gaze somewhat to see where it had gone.
There, going up the little step near the front door, was a shadowy figure. It hopped up, then disappeared down the hallway. If memory serves me correctly, it was kinda humanoid, but I couldnāt discern any details. It was just a long, slightly rounded mass of darkness.
I turned my attention to the TV again, confused about what I had just witnessed. My logical side told me that it mustāve been my sister getting up to go do chores, but my gut said otherwise. Unnerved, I turned around to face the dining tableā¦ and there, sitting exactly as she had when I last looked at her, was my older sister. My stomach dropped. If she was there, then what the hell was that figure I saw? She glanced down at me, and a look of concern crossed her face. She asked me what was wrong, to which I responded that I was fine.
Iāve shared this story with my sister, and if I recall correctly, sheās seen some weird shit in that house, too. But of course she has - sheās always had seemingly paranormal experiences. Itās that Scorpio moon of hers, haha! Thatās the only one from that house Iām comfortable considering āparanormalā, however, as opposed to me simply freaking myself out. (For someone who wants to work with spirits, the concept has always frightened me.)
Iāve āhallucinatedā before. Itās usually as I stated above: things out of the corner of my eye, a blink-and-youāll-miss-it phenomena. And because of my visual snow syndrome, Iām technically ALWAYS hallucinating. VSS isnāt like that, either.
Whatever that figure was, it sure gave me a lot to think aboutā¦
THE TAROT SPREAD
A couple months ago, I acquired a proper Rider-Waite tarot deck. Looking through possible spreads I could do with them, I found one that could be used to communicate with deities - The āHello, Old Friendā spread, to be specific. I decided I would use that to communicate with Lilith and Lucifer (and before anyone says anything: yes, I know some people donāt consider them deities in the traditional sense. I donāt care.) The first card in the spread is meant to represent the entity in question, so I looked up tarot correspondences for the two beings so that I could hopefully confirm whether it was them. There werenāt many sources I could find, but one blog I came across said that Lilith could be the Queen of Cups and Lucifer could be the Ace of Swords.
Guess what I got in their respective spreads?
Yep. The Queen of Cups for Lilith and the Ace of Swords for Lucifer. Not only that, but for the card that represents Lilithās āmost important aspectā, I got The Devil - liberation from oneās self-imposed chains.
Trust me when I say I was screaming on the inside. Out of all the cards I couldāve pulled, I pulled those; not only that, but out of the 6 spots they couldāve been placed in, I placed them in those! Mind blown!
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Iāve got another experience to share!
This happened a couple weeks ago. I had a dream where these young twin girls were attempting to summon a spirit, named Lady Rashoona - for their āeducationā, if I recall correctly. I agreed to help them, but upon discovering they wished to BIND her, I flipped my lid. "āBind her? BIND HER?! How DARE you try to bind her! Get out of here!ā
When I woke up, I tried to look up the spiritās name, but couldnāt find anything. When I was checking the Demonolatry Practices subreddit, I came across a post detailing someoneās experience withā¦ Lady RASHOON, sometimes spelled āRashooneā. Sheās a demoness of seduction and magnetism, wife to Mammon. This is one of the first posts on the subreddit, and it came after I had that dream. I canāt recall ever seeing her name anywhere else.
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Thought Iād elaborate on that āinteresting dreamā, the one that kickstarted my journey.
As I mentioned earlier, I had been going through a very rough time when this dream happened. Dreams of this nature seem to happen when Iām at my ālowestā. This bled into my dream, and it began with me cconsidering suicide as I walked down a long road that I used to live by. I think I eventually decided against it. However, I came across a river and a bridge/dock that does not exist IRL. Curious as to how it would feel to step inside it, I waded in and grabbed the bridgeās/dockās railing. The current was too strong, and I was pulled under, unable to move and unable to breathe (I think I felt the pressure of my weighted blanket at this point, which added to the immersion).
When I came to, I realized I was dead and now a spirit. I wandered over to where I had died, and as I expected, found my body, wide-eyed and open-mouthed in fear. You ever see your own dead body before? Itās jarring, to say the least.
Eventually, a man stumbled across my body, and decided to tweet about it. I found that both funny and a little insulting, but whatever. My sister and brother-in-law arrived a while later, and they saw my body as well as my spiritā¦ kinda. As soon as they did, I found myself screaming apologies, though distantly wondering why I was apologizing when I didnāt quite feel sorryā¦ I digress. Two celebrities walked by, and they started getting distracted, to which I urged them because, hell, theyāre CELEBRITIES! Get over there and talk to them!
When I awoke, I thought about how odd this dream was. To my knowledge, Iāve only had one dream that was somewhat like this, and it happened many years ago in middle school, when I was experiencing a similar despair, though for different reasons. My sister and brother-in-law were also important in that dream, which I think is interesting. I didnāt see my corpse in that one, though.
I like to think it was a sign fromā¦ someoneā¦ telling me not to give up just yet. In the end, that helped propel me forward to the occult, so thanks, whoever-or-whatever-you-are!
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Yikes. Iāve got some heavy stuff on my mind. Warning for mentions of suicide.
I seem to get hung up on the idea that this place is a trap a lot. I donāt know if itās because I just donāt always enjoy it or my trust issues are even worse than I thought, but for whatever reason, Iām always afraid that thereās somethingā¦ malevolent going on with this existence of ours.
Now, donāt get me wrong, this isnāt a gut feeling. It could just be my mind clinging to the worst possible answer for my existence! But thatās where my mind goes a lot.
Iāll try to describe it in the most concise way possible: what if this place is a trap, and all the enjoyable things about it are a way of keeping you trapped, and the only way to get out of the trap is to die? Whether by your own hand or someone elseās, so long as you die.
I donāt know why my mind keeps coming back to this thought over and over again, but it really makes living difficult. I just want to KNOW FOR SURE, but I CANāT because Iām ALIVE. And that bothers me greatly. It makes me want to skip to the end. Iāve never been good with suspense, hahaā¦
Of coure, the counter-argument to this is rather simple: what if itās NOT a trap, all the enjoyable things are really just enjoyable, and thereās no malevolent string-pulling of any kind? Hold out with the hope that thatās the case. And one day, maybe youāll know. But it seems like an awful waste to just throw everything away because of a single risk. Just live and see what happens.
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I think you dream could have been a few things imo. Looking over your body could mean youāre lucid dreaming, or having an OBE/out of body experience.
Being sucked under or falling means an internal or external loss of control in an area of your life.
My opinion.persist, never give up.
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Thank you for your reply.
I can see how itād be a lucid dream. Itās odd that, even for a brief moment, the dream conformed to my expectations! Thatās only happened maybe once beforeā¦
āLoss of controlā is a spot-on interpretation, considering how my internal/external life is currently.
And youāre right - I canāt give up. Thereās too many things to learn about, to try out for myself!
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I have found myself in a similar situation to yourself, ess. I forget what I was going to comment on, having read many of your posts yesterday, but without internetā¦
Anyway, keep up the journal. Many more are probably reading and paying attention than regularly post. I will whenever Iām able and notice something of relevance.
Ah yes, as for religion, i continue to struggle. I was a very absolute āChristianā, though I always despised that word, even from my earliest years. I think the entity known as Yahashua at least, is quite real. But his and Ye Ho Vau Veās methods areā¦ not according to religious doctrine. Especially the Messiah himself. He basically used occult terminology. āSeek and you shall findā, being prominent. And the fact that he spoke in parables to ensure the common masses never were given true knowledge. Only the initiated disciples.
My going suspicion now is that he was basically the Hebrew version of the Buddha. But with the twist that he was clearly a master of spiritualist powers, or maybe even was a Kabbalist of genius talent. He achieved Ascension, either prior to the supposed crucifixion, or afterward. Not sure whichā¦
It is interesting though. The cross supposedly kills by preventing exhalation. After studying only a little of Tantric Yoga from Julius Evola, I think thereās too many similarities between Kundalini awakening and asphyxia on a cross. Then we see E.A. and others using pain as a means of inducing the trance stateā¦ seems like to me the Messiah was using it as a ritual to force out all of his bodyās latent Ascendant power. It is particularly telling that the Yogiās consider it necessary to actually die, by essentially asphyxiating, reject death, and then returne, in order to activate the Thunderbolt Body, so they call it. Perhaps that is what the Messiah did.
If the Messiah was a kabbalist, it would explain the extreme hate the religious authorities had of him. Sharing secrets not meant to be shared or displayed.
Just my passing thoughts. Iāve actually spoken to an entity thoroughly, when I was still only a baby, who looked very similar to, and claimed to be āYehashuha.ā
Iāve had all sorts of spiritual experiences since. It is seems thereās definitely more to all this than meets the eye. Exactly what, though, is a major point to our spiritual journey.
Continue pursuing truth, wherever it is found, and thatās underneath society and all its vaunted, unproven theories and social shackles. Hone the intuition. That way, nothing will ever deceive you, or at least, not foreverā¦
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Thank you for your reply.
It warms my heart (and strokes my ego, hehehe) to know that people actually like reading my journal. I havenāt had many major occurances as of late (though some of the ones I have had I might keep to myself, because who doesnāt like to be a little mysterious every now and again? 
), but Iāll try to update it every now and again when major developments happen. Or even just mildly interesting things, like improving skills and all that jazz. Weāll see.
What interesting parallels! Iāve heard comparisons between the Buddha and the Messiah, but never really looked into them. When you put it that way, though, they and their methods do seem quite similar! Fascinating stuff, right there! Thank you for sharing!
And youāre right, strengthening my intuition is probably what I need to do to be more at ease on my quest. Not that my paranoid brain likes that idea very much, but I digress. Looks like itās time for some herbs and divination sessions! Woohoo!
This is a more boring/tame entry compared to the ones above, but I felt it should be added nonetheless. Consider it a progress report, of sorts.
The Blue Pearl has been present for some time now, though only while I meditate. Itās nice. It gives me something to focus on.
I most often use Lilithās enn to meditate, which I do in a dark room. Sometimes, when I do so, Iāll see white lights in my peripheral vision. Like, very BRIGHT white lights. Sometimes it feels like something is touching me. One time, I couldāve sworn someone wasā¦ I donāt know, stroking my face? In circular motions. Couldāve just been an air current, but I donāt think it was. If itās not, Iām not quite sure what to make of it.
Iāll also seeā¦ figures? Kinda hard to tell whatās going on. I wish I had a designated scrying mirror so I can try to bring these visions to the front of my vision, not the sides. This is also one of those situations where VSS is a bitch and a half. I never thought Iād be this annoyed by this conditionā¦
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Been doing some thinking and very light research. Iām in aā¦ weird state of mind, so this will definitely be more of a rant than anything coherent. Thou hast been warned.
The Abrahamic faiths are quite baffling to me, particularly Christianity. They seem to worship this weird hodge-podge of the old (Caananite?) Hebrew storm/war god (which would explain the vengefulness aspect - no hate to him or anything, canāt judge a non-human with everchanging human morals) and ~tHe SoUrCe~ (which would explain the omni-everything and āunconditional loveā aspect). I donāt think it can be both. Ol Yahweh is his own dude, part of the Source but not THE Source, and ~unconditional love~ doesnāt seem to be his schtick. He likes things his way, though I donāt appreciate the prospect of being threatened to do his bidding.
This next part relates to the part above, I swear.
Itās soā¦ difficult sometimes, to be an individual, with thoughts and feelings that arenāt, āEverything is sooo great! Peace? Great! Violence? Great! Life? Great! Death? Great!ā. To have preferences and opinions that arenāt at the very least neutral. Itās hard. I hate to whine about this so much, but fuck it, itās my journal. Iāll whine if I wanna! āNo wonder people want to merge back into the Source so bad,ā is what my mind returns to time and time again. This whole human thingā¦ oh boy. What a ride. Of course, the solution to this is to not think about it so much and just DO stuff as an individual (thatās what my cards keep telling me - they must be sick of my shit at this point, haha), but when itās justā¦ tiring sometimes, you know? Itās tiring. And it makes me wonder what the point is. I mean, assuming Iāve got my cosmology right, then being separate is exactly the point, to experience things as an individual is the entire point - including the tiredness. And if Iām just gonna keep getting spat out of the Source forever, then I might as well prolong this as long as possible. Have some human-brand fun while Iām at it. Would it have been more fun to not know all this, though? Ignorance is bliss and all that. Maybe so. But now I know. Might as well work it to my advantage. Thatās what I keep telling myself. But it doesnāt make me less tired.
Hopefully itās just something that gets easier with time. I can have fun being an individual with wants and needs and highs and lows, and I can acknowledge that I come from something that does NOT have those things, and view those things will equal amounts of gratitude.
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Hereās something funny that happened earlier:
I decided that I would start my day with a tarot reading; more specifically, a tarot spread called the āGood Morning Spreadā, or something along those lines. Itās pretty simple: āGood morning, deck! How are you?ā; āWhat adventure are we taking part in today?ā; āWhat advice or warning do you have for me?ā. A cute, simple spread.
When I was shuffling for the advice/warning card, I thought to myself and envisioned pulling the 2 of Pentacles (balance and time management), because with the way my day might play out, Iād definitely need to focus on thatā¦ lo and behold, guess what I pulled?
2 of Pentacles.
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The meaning of existance likely can be ascertained from the zodiac. If one thing I find lacking on BALG and pretty much anywhere, everywhere in this world, it is the lack of knowledge regarding the zodiac. I know the Rosecrucians and others of the older secret orders put unbelievable emphasis on it.
My suggestion is to pay up the 90 some dollars for a 1 year subscription to CROW777 radio. Mine just expired. May or may not go back, but it was worth it for his āSky Clockā episodes. Nobody, and I mean nobody, has ventured into unraveling the sky clock like he has.
The simple truth is that it acts like an almanac for our lives here. And to me, it is not entirely benevolentā¦
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Just musing to myself again. Nothing exciting.
Having experienced a sense of egoless-ness/oneness before (or, uh, thatās what I feel comfortable calling it), the whole āyou are the universe/source/whatever the fuck ~experiencing itself~ā makes sense to me. That, and it kinda makes sense at a physical level, too, not just a metaphysical level. Matter is comprised of atoms, and even though it all looks different, itās made of the same material. It seems to be a popular point of view on this forum. However, Iām interested in other theories that arenāt all about oneness. Currently trying to find more about āconnected but separateā cosmologies - the idea that youāre part of a whole but youāre also your own distinct entity, perhaps made out a distinct energy that isnāt the same thing as everything else? Connected, but separate. Or, hell, maybe more along the lines of, āEverything is separate and the oneness is an illusion!ā [happy contrarian noises]
Perhaps this would help me with the āokay, now what?ā feelings that arise when I think of the idea of oneness. Yeah, Iām part of a whole, but Iām also ME". Honoring the cosmic web while still understanding that I have my own wants/needs. Respect the whole, but respect the individual, too.
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This entry will contain some new material as well as the same old ~philosophical~ rambling I engage in from time to time.
So Iāve been trying out some of V.K. Jehannumās shadow work chants while staring into a mirror in a dimly lit room, and the results have been mildly interesting. Itās weird to watch my face change so much - my eyes rolling around, my mouth rapidly moving, my skin sagging from age. My motherās face appears over mine sometimes - this is either my shadow trying to tell me Iām like her mentally or that the physical resemblance between us is stronger than I realized. Makes sense either way. Last night, I noticed something that has never happened before or I just havenāt noticed prior to this. As I stared at my reflection, a sort ofā¦ black outline (?) started to form on my reflection. Like all the spots on my body merged and split into a me-shaped blob. Usually I can see a whitish outline, but this seemed new. I donāt know how to explain it. The white outline could be light bouncing off of me, but I donāt quite know how to explain this black outline.
Thereās that. Now for my regularly scheduled bullshit.
Trying to discover The Truth about our existence is exhausting, and watching other people argue about it even more so. But the more I think about it, the more I realize how true solipsism is: that I can only be sure of the fact that I exist, and as a consequence, I can experience things. Thatās it. Everything else is speculative. I donāt know if this world is real, or if what I dream about it real, or if thereās one source or many, or whatever. I can experience it all, but I may never know The Truth. All I can know now is how I feel and think about what I experience.
At least, that seems to be the case. All this going around in circles makes my head hurt. I guess this just goes to show that I need to rely on learning via practice more than theoryā¦
This past couple weeks were quite eventful for me. Unfortunately, most of it has nothing to do with magick. But some interesting information came to light that I figured I could document here:
- My sister and my best friend both have Scorpio moons. The two of them both have excellent inuitive abilites, able to sense when someone is about to arrive or is experiencing hardship even when theyāre miles away. Coincidence? I think not!
- I had to stay in an AirBnB during an out-of-state trip; the property was clearly very old, despite the ownerās attempts to spruce the place up a bit. Apparently, my uber-sensitive sister and a couple others could sense something āoffā about the place - more specifically, the feeling of being watched. During the final day of our stay, my mom and my niece apparently saw the ghost of a little boy inside the mirror in their room. Cue my mom yelling for everyone to get up, pack their stuff, and get out.
Later, it was revealed to me that, despite what she once told me about not believing in spirits, my mom has always been able to at least hear them. To me, this implies my familyās heightened abilities are, in a way, genetic? I dont know. I should check out my momās birth chart sometime- my sister and I both have water moons, which are notorious for being āsensitiveā in a psychic way. It appears my momās strongest ability is clairaudience, my sisterās is clairsentience, and mine is clairvoyance.
And now itās time to muse instead of doing any magickal work or trying to experience stuff for myself. I tried to make this next part as coherent as possible without any logical flaws, but that might not be the case.
I got to thinking about the sensation of being limitless that can arise from meditation, or things like it. For humans, this sensation comes with feelings of bliss, like everything is perfect and good and thereās absolutely nothing to worry about. And you know what? That makes sense when you consider what humans are: mortal. When we feel small, we feel easily threatened, and itās often a very uncomfortable space to exist in. But when we feel big, we feel powerful, like we can take on anything that comes our way. So take that feeling of power and multiply it to infinity: when you have no limits, when you feel like youāre EVERYTHING (which may be true 
most people here seem to think so), then thereās literally nothing to bring out bad feelings within you because if you are EVERYTHING, you CANāT be threatened. After all, if youāre everything, then the things that threaten youā¦ are also you! So whatās there to freak out about?
Which somehow led me to wonder what itās like to be a spirit. (Or was that the question that sparked the above realization? I canāt remember.) Spirits are arguably less limited than we are, or at least from our perspective, because they arenāt physical like we areā¦ unless itās like some people on this site say, that they have their own realms where theyāre just as physical as we are. Some Buddhists (and Hindus? I think?) have claimed that even the gods suffer from Samsara, because they, too, have egos, but how can we be sure of that? Sure, they experience ānegativeā emotions. They get angry. They hate things, and theyāll make sure you know that youāve done something they hate. But whoās to say that they suffer in the same way we do? Maybe their ānegativeā emotions arenāt so ānegativeā to them. Maybe that infinite feeling which is so blissful to us is nice but BORING to them, which would explain why spirits incarnate as mortal creatures, because they want to experience something else for once. (I wonder if something could be inherently boring. Wouldnāt that be funny? Something that makes literally any sentient being that comes into contact with it āyawn and roll their eyesā.)
All of this is to say that sometimes I wonder if we get so caught up in how things feel for humans that we donāt really stop to consider that other beings might experience things in a different way. Or maybe Iām full of it. Could be that, too. I mean, all I remember is being human. Iāve yet to experience anything else- or if I have, I donāt recall.
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Not much has been happening lately, other than thinking myself in circles.
I have noticed this sensation for a while now, but Iāve yet to share it here. It feels as though my head is split in two; my āsmall mindā- the mind more inclined to survive and experience a full range of emotions -occupies the left side of my head and my ābig mindā- the mind more inclined to just be aware of things, without labelling or judgement, and experience the relaxed/blissful state that comes with that -occupies the right side of my brain. The sensations that usually come with spiritual practices, like pressure or tingling, are only ever felt on the right side of my head. This leads me to wonder if Iāve got some kind of blockage going on my left side (can a chakra be split in half?), and if I should do something about that or try to see this as an advantage.
I donāt know how valid tarot reading recordings that are uploaded online are, but something funny happened that I thought I might as well share. The reader, Sef Alchemist (yāall might like his stuff), was doing a reading about āwho you are,ā and he ended up pulling The Star. Aquarius, my sun sign, is associated with The Star. What a coinkidink!
Considering trying to induce a Kundalini awakening, though Iām not sure Iām in a position to get my shit absolutely rocked like that. I mean, itās hard enough right now to do mundane stuff without feeling I should become a hermit and experience āpure awarenessā (I much prefer this term over nonduality or oneness) forever; Iām not sure Iām ready to have my mundane life upended yet. Of course, one could argue that Iād be better off doing so, but Iām trying to consider the future here for a minute. College is expensive, yāall. College. Is. Expensive. And Iād rather have a degree than not have one, even if it turns out I didnāt need it, because I might have needed it. Future planning!
P.S. I once read a human should be called Homo prospectus as opposed to Homo sapien. I feel inclined to agree.
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Did some more shadow work chants from V.K. The black outline/aura/whatever the fuck appeared again. A light version did too. My (shadow selfās?) mouth is almost always moving very rapidly while I do these chants. Chatterbox, arenāt ya?
I wonder if these chants would be more effective if I actuallyā¦ you know, chanted them out loud? Like an actual chant? Iām not exactly in the best position to be doing so - well, it would be if I wasnāt afraid of people hearing me. I donāt need my suitemate being freaked out by me, if sheās not already and I just donāt know it.
I tried seeing my aura again, too. Granted, I donāt know if I was in the best lighting to be doing so, but hell, I was in front of a white wall, so I figured that would be enough. It seems my ~psychic sight~ is better in the dark, anyway. Every time I try looking at it in the dark, it appears purple/violet. Iām suspicious if thatās actually itās color, though, because I kind of WANT it to be purple/violet. I donāt think I could make myself see the color I want to see, and Iām not LYING to myself, so it might actually be purple/violet. Iāve seen red a couple times thoughā¦ then again, donāt some people say that auras are multiple colors? Whatever. Maybe I should try seeing other peopleās auras, and Iāll somehow have a better shot. If not, well, practice makes perfect!