I was not going to post this, mainly because I fear it would only sound weird, or overly dramatic, or more than a little nutty. But then I decided to post anyway because I really do need advice on what to do from here and where else could I ask such a thing but this great crowd?
AS I mentioned once in another post, I am in the process or piecing together a ritual as it is reviled to me, for the purpose of ridding my life of an impossible situation. Once over and done with said mess, I will then be freed up to study far more, learn more and reach a level I should be going for in my path, regain my sanity, create a future for myself, think of living for me instead of as a slave to some ridiculous circumstance, etc. I can work on my own sanity and rebuild some now destroyed self esteem. Obviously I have far too much riding on the success of this one working, which will also be my first major one in this way, and that I can’t even fully see what it looks like yet.
This whole mess involves a somewhat messed up person. I honestly can’t tell now if they know they are doing harm or not, or if they understand that their actions are abusive. Anyway, tonight things ht the fan again, as is now happening pretty much daily and this time my own energy just went right out of control. It’s been hours and still I feel like this is do or die, an urgent need to unveil the rest of the ritual, then to build the puzzle and put it together and go ahead and do the work. But it;s even more than that yet. This is the point in my life, as I am coming to it now, where I either really use all I’ve learned so far to really see my own power for the first time, or I go insane. I let life catch up to me, let the stress of this and many other situations drown me and all I ever could have been and almost was is washes away leaving only a barely sane person who may never be normal again. I feel like I am breaking emotionally. Like anger is the wrong answer here and so I shove it away, and force it to retreat anyway I can, no matter how harsh that way must be. Sadness is pointless, because crying does nothing to fix on;es life,and resentment is only going to eat me alive if I don’t beat it into the ground. I do know that such emotions, buried and forbidden to see daylight again, are serving now as the engine of sorts that driving my will, the force of whatever I am being lead to do next and very soon now. I feel that force building nicely, powerfully. But of course this is also an nervous breakdown just begging to happen. I have almost complete lost it many times in the past days, and nearly ended turning it all on myself, which I know I am not supposed to do. Besides that clearly a very bad dangerous idea and I’m not sure how that would end.
I understand too that I have been working recently with energies more powerful than I ever have before, and that I am moving forward pretty fast. Don;t get my wrong. I still feel like I can do it. I wouldn’t do anything in life that I honestly thought for sure I could not do at all. It’s not an absolute cannot do it, think of walking away thing. I have however reached a point I know turning around would accomplish nothing.
All night I’ve been in a crazy state of mixed feelings, all of which make sense at once. The need to lose attachment to any outcomes with anything I do at all, yet all the same know it really is either get needed results, or literally go lose my mind. The thought that I should just give this path up entirely because sometime sit really does hit me how dangerous this is, and yet the need to keep on going,and learning and trying.