The edge of...something

I was not going to post this, mainly because I fear it would only sound weird, or overly dramatic, or more than a little nutty. But then I decided to post anyway because I really do need advice on what to do from here and where else could I ask such a thing but this great crowd?

AS I mentioned once in another post, I am in the process or piecing together a ritual as it is reviled to me, for the purpose of ridding my life of an impossible situation. Once over and done with said mess, I will then be freed up to study far more, learn more and reach a level I should be going for in my path, regain my sanity, create a future for myself, think of living for me instead of as a slave to some ridiculous circumstance, etc. I can work on my own sanity and rebuild some now destroyed self esteem. Obviously I have far too much riding on the success of this one working, which will also be my first major one in this way, and that I can’t even fully see what it looks like yet.

This whole mess involves a somewhat messed up person. I honestly can’t tell now if they know they are doing harm or not, or if they understand that their actions are abusive. Anyway, tonight things ht the fan again, as is now happening pretty much daily and this time my own energy just went right out of control. It’s been hours and still I feel like this is do or die, an urgent need to unveil the rest of the ritual, then to build the puzzle and put it together and go ahead and do the work. But it;s even more than that yet. This is the point in my life, as I am coming to it now, where I either really use all I’ve learned so far to really see my own power for the first time, or I go insane. I let life catch up to me, let the stress of this and many other situations drown me and all I ever could have been and almost was is washes away leaving only a barely sane person who may never be normal again. I feel like I am breaking emotionally. Like anger is the wrong answer here and so I shove it away, and force it to retreat anyway I can, no matter how harsh that way must be. Sadness is pointless, because crying does nothing to fix on;es life,and resentment is only going to eat me alive if I don’t beat it into the ground. I do know that such emotions, buried and forbidden to see daylight again, are serving now as the engine of sorts that driving my will, the force of whatever I am being lead to do next and very soon now. I feel that force building nicely, powerfully. But of course this is also an nervous breakdown just begging to happen. I have almost complete lost it many times in the past days, and nearly ended turning it all on myself, which I know I am not supposed to do. Besides that clearly a very bad dangerous idea and I’m not sure how that would end.

I understand too that I have been working recently with energies more powerful than I ever have before, and that I am moving forward pretty fast. Don;t get my wrong. I still feel like I can do it. I wouldn’t do anything in life that I honestly thought for sure I could not do at all. It’s not an absolute cannot do it, think of walking away thing. I have however reached a point I know turning around would accomplish nothing.

All night I’ve been in a crazy state of mixed feelings, all of which make sense at once. The need to lose attachment to any outcomes with anything I do at all, yet all the same know it really is either get needed results, or literally go lose my mind. The thought that I should just give this path up entirely because sometime sit really does hit me how dangerous this is, and yet the need to keep on going,and learning and trying.

I honestly think from what you’ve shared that it would be far more dangerous to you to give in, give it up, and backpedal.

But those are just words and not much help… still in life it seems we’re either advancing or shrinking, and nice as stasis and complete stillness would be, they don’t seem to be readily available and especially if we have, as you have right now, a “situation” of some kind.

I’m feeling very bad for you right now. I’ve not been in your exact situation (no one ever is), but I know what it feels like when it seems your world is collapsing and there’s no way to fix it. There are ways to fix it, though. Some things to consider:

-guided meditations for anxiety. Google is your friend, there are many on line

-positive affirmations. I know it sounds all hippy-dippy-trippy-new-agey, but they work, and are in fact a form of low magic

-maybe change gears a bit and work with an Angelic or Planetary spirit who specializes in healing or confidence? I think Lady Eva could help you with that.

IMO, magick requires a great deal of mental clarity, and a calm, confident mind. There is nothing in your present situation that you can’t overcome. Know it. Believe it, because it’s true.

When you get that mental clarity and confidence, you won’t second guess your magickal working. I’ve been through the crucible more than once. I’ve always emerged stronger and with new insights and understanding about myself. We’re never given any tests we can’t pass.

I completely see what your saying about the clear mind thing. In this case while on one hand it is certainly the exact and complete opposite of clear mind, on the other though it seems as if the many conflicting thoughts and energies are somehow forming into that needed single minded focus needed. I suppose I see in a way how that level of seceded or its over, of an entire future riding on this moment could cause a great power puch for magical power. On the other hand thOugh I can also see how the opposite is true.

I have been wanting to try a bit of work with angelic energies. I will look for the right one and do so.

I wish I could come up with something to tell you that would make everything seem better for you, but unfortunately I do not know what to say. I can however offer you comfort by letting you know that we have all been to those breaking points at one time or another. Yes, it may seem like the easiest thing to do, would be to just give in and give up but I would advise against that. It sounds like the purpose of your unfolding ritual, is to gain control of your life, regain control of your sanity, and take what is rightfully yours. Am I correct?

In this case I would advise that no matter how hard it will seem to you, that you keep on fighting. Do not give in. Giving in is precisely what the mundane non-magickal world would want you to do. They want you to lose control, end up at a psychiatrist’s office being pumped full of chemically engineered medications that will make you submissive to fate, as if you have no control over your own fate or destiny. So as hard as it may seem, KEEP FIGHTING! The whole purpose of being a black magician is constantly pushing youself to limits and beyond those limits, that other simple minded humans cannot tolerate or understand. Pushing youself to levels that only us magicians can deal with.

You may feel like giving up, but once you push yourself hard enough and get thru this first major challenge, things will unfold for you naturally. You will then feel more in control of your destiny and from that point on, if you can push thru this, everything else will seem like a breeze to you. Does that make sense? Have you tried evoking the spirit(s) you are working with and reminding them that you are in a human body, with a human concept of time, and that you feel if something is not changed to your satisfaction soon that you will completely lose it? I would not be demanding to the point of being disrespectful, but maybe a simple reminder to the spirit would help push things forward faster? You don’t have to force the spirit to get things done NOW, just show them that you are in control and can handle this, and ask for the rest of the details of your ritual to be given to you in a way that you can comprehend quickly. When the details are revealed to you, show the spirits and yourself that you can handle the information that was provided. Get thru this quickly and with hope, and you will conquer that inner warrior inside of you. Being your own god, is about pushing the otherwise mundane and impossible, to limits that suddenly become possible for you and come with ease. Hope my pep talk helped, even if only a little.

By the way, if you have already progressed this far, I don’t think the spirits would allow you to give up. Their work has already been set into motion, and they will stop at nothing until such time as said work has been accomplished.

I love those, and also, the theory of Afformations is worth looking into - this site explains the basics:

I use both, and love them! Putting faith back in yourself by choosing any method to improve things is a huge leap in itself.

As for angels, I found the Archangel Raphael really helpful for healing, but he’s also VERY good for giving you information that you need about other people - not gossip, but anything that might affect you in some way. Plus he’s just brilliant, and open to working with people no matter their background, beliefs, or ongoing work with demonic beings. That’s been my experience, and also that of a lot of people on here.

im in the same adsact situation, probably worse in fact, but being given time to let it all unfold. I did a card reading last night, pretty much gave me the answer to all of this.

Our sense of self is often the most deceptive, but if you can realize its unchanging innocence, that’s where all this needs to be based from. The end result of it all is just a small drip in a bucket…its influence is essentially something that will cause trickle effects. It will effect you, but the main thing is to do it, it will begin OTHER things from your decision to start it. You have to realize the results should have nothing to do with your relationships to others or happiness…but to remain calm and appear to be fine during this time of frustration/work. The main opponent in this is ourselves, the fool. But its all in the name of love. Maybe try to consider if there has been enough love, or maybe its a missing ingredient to your work? Walking away is absolutely not an option.