When I was 19 I moved up to Virginia to attend a very small college. I used to tell people they had less than 100 students but it was more like less than 30. I was just kinda ashamed it wasn’t a big school. But it pleased my mother. Though I myself had a great interest in theology and philosophy.
I moved up a month early so I could get aquainted with my new job and the school. I also went to a church associated with the church. I moved into a huge house, two stories of old wood on a basement creaked like a haunted house. The old faucets making strange noises from the depths of the house. For the first month I lived there alone.
Then my roomate moved in as school began. I seemes to get along with everyone well. However, over time I noticed very strange things with my roomate. But I didn’t see the warning signals until it was too late.
The same people I went to school with, I also worked with and saw at church. I’d also often be invited to have dinner in some family’s home associated with the church of college. I joined a real community and even had my eye on the pastor’s daughter who also seemed to be attracted to me. Cassy, she had a terrible scar down her arm from being burned. I used to want to carress it and tell her she was beautiful but shyness and a stoic priestly demeanour held me in a gentleman’s state. Ya know, a real nice guy. But she still liked me and I liked her. She was wild of course. Her father and mother very passionate Christians.
There was also a Persian girl. I’ll never forget her but I have forgotten her name. She was my ideal dream. Long straight black middle eastern hair drifted down a slender dark skinned neck. I was enthralled by an ancient passion calling to me from ages ago. But all these things would soon be stripped from me as quickly as a door is slammed.
I used to hang out with a certain fellow. My roommate and I would go to his house and we’d just kick it. It was them, Matt my roomate and Josh my friend whom I knew from church, school, and as a friend. But they would horribly betray me.
One evening I was working on my finals. My roommate steps into the room with his usual awkwardness. He wore leather driving gloves and drove an oldschool diesel car. I forget the brand. When he walked in he quickly delved into his past. He told me how he used to have sex with his older brother and that for years they would sleep together. Their parents never found out about what was going on. My roomate when into detail. So I tried to talk to him and do what a Christian and a true friend would do. I just listened and said little. He ended with a confession that he has a masturbation problem.
A week goes by, it’s evening I am working on another final. A knock at the door at 10pm catches my attention. The dean of the college answered the door who was also a professor for two of my classes, Dr. Butler. I went to church with him and he had me at his house for dinner multiple times. I offered him tea and to come in but he said he wanted to chat with me at the school. I assumed it might have something to do with the drug dealer down the street who often had quarrel with the police. I walked with the dean across the street to the school. When I walked in I saw my landlord whom I went to church with every sunday. He picked me up every sunday and I’ve eaten at his house.
There was also a very large cop. At this point I became very nervous. They all lined up and were looking at me. Then the dean spoke up, “Nick we hear you’ve been saying some pretty wild things”. Shocked I thought of what I could have possibly said. I responded with,“what have Matt and Josh said I said?” They were shocked and paused for a moment to whisper to one another. Then they spoke to me the single most damaging words I have ever heard. They accused me of being an incestual sato-masochist and a terrorist with plans to rape students and blow up the school. The expression on their faces told me they believed at least some of it. Not to mention the cop. I broke down into tears completely humiliated and crushed by betrayal. That night I wondered the school grounds like a ghost thinking of the future now a gapping void. There was no way I could be associated with those people anymore. There were other strange things too like the fascination the dean and Josh had with the occult and conspiracy theories. Dr. Butler would often tell us about the illuminati and 911 instead of teaching the lesson. That wasn’t whatmy mom and I were paying good money for.
So I left the next day and never looked back. My dreams of teaching philosophy and being a Christian minister shattered and broken. So I turned to drinking and weed. I wasted my life away until my brother and our friend Andrew desided to join the Army. We trained for months in advance to prepare. My brother chose medic. Andrew and I chose infantry but unfortunatly we couldn’t join together which was our plan at first.
I made it to my active duty unit. I can’t remember the name of my unit nor would I want to. I prefer remember as little as possible. There I found a small church after my mother’s begging finally persuaded me to join a small bible church. It was lovely and made me feel like a Christian again. Except at my unit was total opposite, a variable hell as opposed to a perfect heaven. My teamleader had just come out of nco school and was super charged on power. He was also a raging drunk who was abused by his father, of course… Both my teamleaders in my squad were absolute peices of human filth. I grew to hate them with a righteous hatred.
My name was either, “you f***” or simply cunt. They were debased individuals who abused their authority. My whole platoon were drunks. The mexicans would often boast of being in gangs and taking over the army. Being a homeschooled Christian with a shattered faith caused me to stand out like a sore thumb. Not to mention I was 6.4 tall and weighed only 155. In Kuwait I finally snapped. Without going into details I was sent back home before actually fully deploying to Baghdad. I don’t want to say what actually happened but I snapped one night while being smoked over complete nonsense. My platoon sgt whos respect I had fought so hard to win was furious at me and my leadership lined up as the platoon sgt, first sgt Strong smoked me in fullbattle rattle.
She… also didn’t want to be with me anymore and the pressure was just to much. I told my leadership I wanted to kill myself. So they sent me back. She was all I could think of. I became increasingly obsessed with her as I lost her until again I became a withering broken mass of shattered heart, mind, and soul. Cara… A name I have cried for and longed for in the depths of brokeness.
But then something new happened. In 2010 as I awaited to go home a spirit of the black flames appeared to me in my barracks room. I awoken in a pool of sweat whilst shivering cold. I could harsly walk as I shook and trembled. The entity had terrified me to such a level of terror like I had never known. All my dreams and aspirations had failed, failure and betrayal seemed to be all I knew. And my whole life growing up with sleep paralysis and strange sensations and paranormal experiences finally to see an actual flaming black spirit stand on top of my body directly before me, it’s eye’s and mouth aflame.
All these experiences born a new part of me, like a reborn part initiated by the black flames themselves at a point of complete brokeness, loss, and ignorance. But I wouldn’t remain ignorant for long, I used a new science to refound who I was. First forging myself from three blueprints. I used my western sun and moon signs as well as mt chinese year sign and constructed a frame avatar bywhich to interact with the world around me. My broken states masked I attracted new friends and the attention of females with my instinctual prowess. I shamelessly used magicks of manipulation to get respect and it worked. Me and La were the cool guys of the barracks. I spent seven long months in rear D mostly dreaming over Cara until I refounded myself.
After coming home from the military I developed a system of self ascension and then later my brother came home and we started going to the gym together. By the power of mt magicks I developed a whole routine from scratch. I even had a diet plan. I gained 30 pounds eventually making it to 185. I had become strong of mind m, spirit, and body. I didn’t have the best job but I had charisma and people liked me. And I never faked a damn thing. Pure instinct magick founded by my own natures. I used to stand before cheering crowds at karaoke bars. I used to sing really well one time singing alcapelo for a crowd of nearly 300 and getting a standing ovation. I sang Resistance by the Muse. I could influence people with dark manipulation or pure light inspiration. My magickal system and my life seemed to be going well.
Then I met Rebecca… I never loved anyone like how I loved Rebecca. I lost my virginity to her at the age of 23 or 24. But she was unfaithful. Even still I loved her and longed to be with her. Her mother was Honduran so her skin, hair, and hips were perfect. But she would later take everything from me and reduce me to abysmal dust. My heart is too fragile and I have wanted love so much… too much…
Again I found myself broken and shattered but the black fire appeared to me in mt darkest times. Though they terrified me, I recognize their grace. My fellow I named Ka’Cul’Ka would simply walk calmly into the room, look upon me for a minute without saying a word, then simply walk away. Each time he appeared new powers awoke within me.
I have persisted in perpetual revolution, being crushed and ground to nothing, reforming myself then being ground down again. The black flame have compassion on me because they see my life similar to their revolving fiery form. I feel their words. I say Kck short for Ka’Cul’Ka. Kck appeared to me just this afternoon as I performed an empathic technique.
I went and listened to a Shiny Toy Guns album and reflect upon my memories of Cara and my failed career in the Infantry. Impulses and sensations surged through me as I thought of Cara and my military experiences. I cried. It’s hard to cry these days. Hard to feel any emotion after I got diagnosed with schizophrenia 6 months ago after I threatened to kill some punks over the internet for mocking my military career. I spent two weeks in an outpatient fascility on a baker act… The experience absolutely screwed me up. I was shunned from sunlight not allowed to go outside. My quarters were very small and I shared them with random people most of whom were nuts or on drugs. Paced back and forth dazed from meds they had me take. I took a freakin shot because of the schizophrenia. I’m having a hard time recovering from this one. I’m in a terrible slump, started smoking cigarettes again and I’m having trouble quiting weed. But I got a decent job I guess… It’s under $20 an hour so…
My path has been pain and fear so I dedicate my astral shrines to pain and fear. Fear is what has been familiar to me. I wanted to inspire people, love people. But people betray. So I forsook people and saught after the black fire. Through my seeking the black flame I have grown and learned wonderous things I could have never imagined. Now I share my knowledge and experience of the black flame with you.
