Hopefully it’s okay to post about this on here. It seems so far that mostly people here are mostly cool somewhat taboo subjects, so I figure it’s probably fine. I’ve dealt for years with issues that the older I get the more I see clearly are related to childhood circumstances. The older I get now the more I see that I am literally wrecking my own life, destroying relationships, and losing myself completely, over some crazy mental issues caused by losing power in the worst ways by the age of seven. Honestly I feel that all I ever really learned in life emotionally was helplessness, anger and resentment over being both helpless and angry. I learned to hate emotion, I learned to feel a need to rid myself of all resentment and to accept the unacceptable. I grew up with issues around being never good enough and and a hatred and dread over failure to do the seemingly impossible and to do it perfectly. Most often I would practically rather die than get into conflict, hurt someone, feel the guilt of letting a person down.
Recently the therapist I was seeing for years flat out decided I could not be helped. She tossed me right out of her office hen I told her at out last appointment in a fit of frustration that I could not possible take the twenty some years she said it would take to fix myself. (We don’t get this way over night and it could take nearly as long to fix us and it took to wreck us.) I was merely saying I wanted to work extra heard and ‘fast track’ to rewire my own thinking and worldview and I was willing to put the work in. It seems he somehow felt like I was trying to get OUT of any responsibility for self, which is the exact opposite of what I’d been saying for the last six months. I am more than willing to admit to and accept my own part of the responsibility for what I am in adulthood, but its quite clear that any conventional therapy I could find in my community has been exhausted by this point. I have gained all I can from that route. I don’t want to take pills either if I can help it. I don’t consider them bad or anything. Things like anti depressants, ect, have their uses, but they certainly don’t cure child abuse. I don’t want to put a band aid on it, and then need that band aid solution for life.
Is this something I could do by working with one of the spirits? Which one might I try to work with? Is this really a possibility or am I barking up the wrong tree here?