Hopefully it’s okay to post about this on here. It seems so far that mostly people here are mostly cool somewhat taboo subjects, so I figure it’s probably fine. I’ve dealt for years with issues that the older I get the more I see clearly are related to childhood circumstances. The older I get now the more I see that I am literally wrecking my own life, destroying relationships, and losing myself completely, over some crazy mental issues caused by losing power in the worst ways by the age of seven. Honestly I feel that all I ever really learned in life emotionally was helplessness, anger and resentment over being both helpless and angry. I learned to hate emotion, I learned to feel a need to rid myself of all resentment and to accept the unacceptable. I grew up with issues around being never good enough and and a hatred and dread over failure to do the seemingly impossible and to do it perfectly. Most often I would practically rather die than get into conflict, hurt someone, feel the guilt of letting a person down.
Recently the therapist I was seeing for years flat out decided I could not be helped. She tossed me right out of her office hen I told her at out last appointment in a fit of frustration that I could not possible take the twenty some years she said it would take to fix myself. (We don’t get this way over night and it could take nearly as long to fix us and it took to wreck us.) I was merely saying I wanted to work extra heard and ‘fast track’ to rewire my own thinking and worldview and I was willing to put the work in. It seems he somehow felt like I was trying to get OUT of any responsibility for self, which is the exact opposite of what I’d been saying for the last six months. I am more than willing to admit to and accept my own part of the responsibility for what I am in adulthood, but its quite clear that any conventional therapy I could find in my community has been exhausted by this point. I have gained all I can from that route. I don’t want to take pills either if I can help it. I don’t consider them bad or anything. Things like anti depressants, ect, have their uses, but they certainly don’t cure child abuse. I don’t want to put a band aid on it, and then need that band aid solution for life.
Is this something I could do by working with one of the spirits? Which one might I try to work with? Is this really a possibility or am I barking up the wrong tree here?
Well, a lot of that is pretty much what magic is about and yes you can work with it by working with spirits.
Though, you are better off in this case (IMO) working with “internal spirits” rather than “external spirits,” since they are really the cause of your issues and much easier to work with - in fact, all you really have to do is close your eyes and imagine. Use some method to get into the “astral” world i.e. see a cave around you and feel yourself moving deeper into it, or find a hole in the ground and jump down it, climb down some stairs into a temple room…whatever. Then ask/demand the conglomerate inner energetic cause of some particular issue to appear before you.
Work with whatever appears in whatever way feels right. Most important is that you have to attempt to form a genuine relationship with it. Treat it as real and very soon you will find it behaves as though it were real, you won’t be able to just “imagine it happy” if it is sad on one day. Learn about who it is. What it likes and doesn’t like. Go see its place. Do things with it in your imagination and give it some room to guide you on what it wants to do (which could range from a quest to something more boring like stitching something on a curtain…)
By interacting with it like this you are assimilating it into your own ego and the “fractured” part of yourself it represents will heal, and consequently your issues with that particular fracture will fade away. This can be done with pretty much any internal or even “external” issue. But the relationship attempt has to be genuine.
It’s probably advisable to meet a guide and make sure they can guide AND protect you first. Despite what most people might think, inner spirits can be incredibly powerful so far as it concerns you and your life and some of them are liable to have a fiery hatred for you that an external spirit won’t match. I have come out of inner work finding myself to have immediately lost my voice and the next day developed a cough when a particular inner spirit attempted to strangle me. That wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t a fool who went in without a guide.
Also, pay attention to your dreams as you do this work (actually you should pay attention to your dreams period, but especially when in engaging in any work with spirits inner or outer). Analyze the symbols that pop up and figure out what is happening - do this based on your own feelings and ideas you attach to them, not some book. You can go into your imagination and work with characters or symbols in the dream as well, healing the “story” etc.
If you want to work with “external” spirits though (the lines blur eventually) then I’d probably recommend the shem angels or else the elemental kings. They come fairly readily when called and are very eager to assist with such internal issues.
The funny thing about that expression…“can’t do it over night”
If a bomb can destroy a city in seconds…and roaches can survive it…you most especially will come true.
I really discourage mental health workers. They can be great and I’ve had some great doctors. But overall I think their idea is to throw options at you…usually one or two. Quick fixes that can take a long timw. Truth is in the cards…my Guilt wolf tarot card says everything is little…obsolete…let it go. Move on. Be fierce. Assume the person you want to be. Be cautious with it…don’t hide things
…don’t pretend…play the part better than most…with humility.
Unless your childhood problems are bothering you or your family…ask yourself …will this disrupt something right now? Is every one else fine and I am thinking and obsessing needlessly? Unless the problem of the past is clearly still in construction…take the hard hat off and walk like an egyptkan…or do as the romans.
A girlfriend of mine has a problem much similiar. I didn’t know the details and told her what I just told you about brining up things that are buried. She understood. But she brought it up anyways because that is some thing that should never be buried. Her finally addressing the problem caused some near death experiences and dissolution of family. Things to consider…but to be honest…certain things need to be addressed.
I similarly had a problem with my sister when we were younger. I was horrible and feared I’d damaged her. Mostly due to age difference and jealousy. I consulted my high priestess and she gave me the advice I’m leaving you. I never addressed the problem with my sister because my sister is a very successful young woman who is me but 10 X more masterful. So to bring up such a thing could only be awkward…could be beneficial for me…but my sister is fine so it would be selfish of me to consider my evil.
But I’m talking about chasing my sister and pretending to have a knife behind my back. Because mom and dad left HER in charge…and I’m older!
Your problem. Address to all involved. Exclude any that are or were not. Unless you need support/defense consider a middle man outside party. Any conflict of this kind should be done away from any household. parks…parking lots…even public restaurants Would be ideal. Nowhere to hide.
I have the same problem, and as a magician, you get to the point where you get frustrated with the lack of progress and either freak-out or give up. From my experience, you also have to look at how your life will be after your problem is solved vs how your life is; emotionally. We have all, through Abraham, come to be masochistic. Sometimes you do not fix your problem because it will mean that you no longer feel pain which to us is better than feeling nothing at all. On some level, your problem is part of your identity and you are afraid to kill off a part of yourself.
Seek out a trickster or ram/goat headed god. As masters of Saturn, they are masters of change. I haven’t sorted out my problems yet, but they made it easier and guided me to how to solve them. They can easily put a mental block on your problem, but such a thing creates reliance upon them and they want to elevate you to their level.
True changes comes from death or the fear of it. You could also bypass that and do a death ritual and kill off that part of yourself. Burn all the stuff that reminds you of your powerlessness.
My advice, call the upon a trickster whose son or associate is death, make an offering to him and death then throw yourself into a psychedelic/trance state with a high amount of whatever you are taking. If you are terrified then you know it is working.
NB: Change is not easy but remember struggle breeds character and benevolence.