And you’re gonna love it.
So a year or two ago, I have just begun working at my last job as a grocery store bagger. My afternoon shift ended and instead of going home, I went to a munch I saw on Fetlife. So it went pretty usual. Me just fuck’n around looking for someone to talk to. I constantly go outside to listen to some music and breathe, just to go back inside and continue trying. The group leader, a cute chubby latina (I kinda liked her) came up to me and was the first to show me some attention all day. I really appreciated it. She added me to this yahoo group for the munch. I didn’t do too much with it cause idk how to be a part of large group conversations.
Eventually she messaged me directly and we began talking on video chat. I’d describe her as…energetic. You know, kinda random and all over the place but nothing to worry about. She even said she wanted to have sex with me. Truth be told, I didn’t know if she was serious. Girls, from my experience, tend to joke about that. It’s really annoying and honestly insulting. But, I can’t call them out on it.
I began telling her about my occult practices and she was interested. I picked her up at a friend’s house once and took her into a nearby shopping town with several stores focused on occultism/spirituality (mostly Wiccan). PS, I don’t go there too much anymore. In one store, the owner (a wiccan highpriestess) is kinda racist, and the other store owner comes off kinda judgmental. Anyway, we spent two hours in one store. She paid me 0 attention and mostly talked to the owner. When we left to go to the munch she runs, she ran back in. I left her with some books of my own.
Later on, she called me saying she left her home to go on a spiritual journey. She lives with her superstitious parents and young daughter. She asked me to pick her up.
I’d like to interrupt myself for a second. Earlier I posted about things I consider with lust magick and that one thing is too much of a concern to have sex. This means that I am so unconfident in myself, so lacking in self esteem, I bend to the will of any girl who shows me some attention. Despite any and all better judgment. I’ve gotten mixed up with some crazy girls before. I exit the relationship before any harm comes to me, but I do not feel as if any personal progress has been made. Society basically teaches us to define ourselves by our relationship status, that single means loser and taken means successful. This robs us of our personal power. Power, within the context of dating, considering how its just one big game, is based on approach. If you approach a possible partner, they hold the power. If they approach you, you hold the power. It’s ridiculous. I’ve gotten more power over myself since then, but back then I was willing to go along with whatever this wackadoo wanted me to do.
I didn’t get any sleep the night before, so I didn’t actually want to drive anywhere. I thought she needed my help, and thought I could possibly get laid. I didn’t, btw. I brought her home and started talking about this journey she wanted to go on. She said she wanted to go to new york. There’s tons of things to say about that. She was also concerned with some guy as well. Anyway, I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk. She did, but wanted to go into this woodsy area. It belongs to a family I don’t get along with, and they don’t like anyone on their property. She used that whole “No one owns the world” shit.
She told me she had a dream Lilith fucked her with a strapon. When we got back, she called that guy and spent two hours of my time talking to him. I wanted to tell her off for being a bad guest. But instead I gave into her weeping and tried playing shoulder to cry on. I then drove her home, emotionally and physically exhausted.
Few months go by and she video chats me. This is when the shit hits the fan. She tells me that she’s been enlightened. She doesn’t worship the goddess, she is the reincarnation of the mother fucking goddess. She is gaia. She is Morrigan. She is Lilith. And she decided to stop with bdsm cause sexuality is “EVIL.” She tells me that she has had a vision that in a past life, I was a man involved in the old story of Rama and Ravana in Hindu mythology. Then she tells me to stop practicing magick, stop working with demons, and go to banglodash cause a woman there is waiting to be my wife.
I look at her like the crazy bitch she is and tell her no! She tries commanding me, stating that she has always showed me love so I owe her. I mean the concern she showed when we met was nice, but since then she’s been a bad guest, bad friend, bad mother (cause she tried to leave her daughter), and over all crazy erratic bitch. She begs and pleads in what I can only describe as a descent into madness. And then, it happened before my eyes, she hit rock bottom. She looked at me with the crazy smile of a serial killer and began calling out my name. I blocked her and swore if she comes near me, I’m calling the cops.