Shakti Rising: My journey from Survivor to Overcomer

I’ve done a whole lot of talking about me and why I chose Shakti Rising to be the core of the next step of my personal development. I apologize for neglecting to cover what the material actually is.

This book utilizes a combination of techniques ranging from yoga to tantra. The goal is to put an end to the seeking to be whole, by actually becoming whole and connecting to the divine feminine. To discover not only the why, but how through allowance and acceptance healing can be obtained as you embrace who you are.

I believe that this, could possibly be exactly what I need at this stage of my development.

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Man. I think I’m having a nervous breakdown, for real this time. I feel ridiculous. I’m typing this on my phone, so I apologize for the extra extra typos in advance.

I started my day with a bad dream, after a paranoid couldn’t go to sleep period. It wasn’t the worst but it put me in a real bad mood.

Basically, it started out I was in the upstairs kitchen, and our housemate was digging around in boxes in the back corner. There were cabinets that aren’t really there and items that don’t really exist. I was near the door, along the wall and I knew someone was in the shadows. I couldn’t feel them. I couldn’t feel their energy at all but I knew they were there, and they were there to hurt one or both of us.

I called out to the housemate that they were here, twice and I knew he heard me but he didn’t react. When they came through the doorway I didn’t need to react because the housemate pounced o. The intruder. It was dark so I tried to get me phone camera thinking I could video it or at least expose who it was.

I couldn’t get to the right modes and it was done before I could do either thing.

Next I was in a school, walking in front of a row of desks. Vandeer was making fun of me, and saying about he didn’t believe I was attacked. I had already forgotten the previous dream scene and thought it related to real life. I was like do you want me to bring the proof?

He told me no because I probably made that up too. I asked him if he understood what an active investigation was, and tried to find the words to tel him, that even with proof I didn’t think it would be proven because of circumstances and other people. I couldn’t find the words.

Next I was in a home I often dream about. My husband had gotten a shower in one of the many bathrooms we randomly use. I walk out knowing somehow there is water on the floor and looking for the source. I see the shower seems to be wet around the floor and go out into the kitchen.

I’m confused because the ceiling and the floor are wet. I point out to him there’s water marks on the table. Suddenly there is so much water I’m swept into the living room on my ass. It was I my about two actually inches of water on the floor, and the step down was even less but it had still knocked me down.

My husband had an even worse dream, about me. So we started the day grouchy with each other. He just wants to fix it for me and can’t do it almost irritates him that I’m struggling with self doubt.

I understand. I’m trying to be a big girl, but couple that with the realization my dreams skill blow, and man I am a person that has valued the lessons in my dreams since childhood.

Maybe that’s what makes me pissed off about that. I remember having better control of my dreams as a child, and somehow that memory doesn’t allow me knowledge of how I did some of it or why it’s even actually important other than understanding some of how I feel and dreaming things ahead of time once in a while.

I really don’t understand an entity that enters my dreamscape. I don’t understand how they do it. I don’t understand how I can be so clairsentient in the physical when I can’t seem to feel energy at all in the dreamscape. Like at all. I’ve been noticing it as I take more control of my dreams again.

I’ll try to do something that I know should work, and nothing happens. Or it works but I feel nothing and really should because it deals with energy.

I realized today after a pretty intense nap dream, that while there has been a few entities enter my dreamscape, there is one that has always managed to be there with important messages and teachings and uplifting moments.

It’s taken the face of my father my when I depressed he’d and never met my baby.

It’s take the face of my grandmother, my mother, kids from high school, people I know distantly, my husband, my ex and well I am tired of listing my blindness.

I’ve practiced banishing in the dreamscape and this entity isn’t affected. I’ve assessed it’s harmfulness or not many times thinking it was a shadow Ariana saw in my circle, thinking it was an familiar or guide I requested, thinking this and thinking that.

I’ve seen it protect me, I’ve heard of the many faces and things it’s shown to people when they seek it out, I’ve asked what it is and learned I get a different name every time. Most of the time I forget them before I wake up, but this dream I asked at least three times and commented on that.

I asked many things. I wanted to figure it out and my dream mind has a harder time clarifying. Most things he told me You know that.

One thing I took seriously then hours later after waking realized it was actually a smart ass remark. Now I forget what it was. Asshole.

I can’t destroy it, it doesn’t try to harm me if I attack it. It puts its hand up and is like, really come on now.

I can recognize it. Regardless of which race it takes, but I have to be aware in my dream. I realized today, I’ve often missed it, when it’s personality is distinct, because it’s always a different face.

He taught me how does that, how the people in our dreams our just energy generated by the subconscious. He go into any one of those energy forms until it runs out. He told me I don’t want to see it happen, but somehow I can’t imagine seeing energy dissipate being that awful. Whatever, jump bodies when I’m turned. Idc.

Last night it taught me how to make fire in my hand and to manifest things in the dream state from nothing but energy.

Energy I can’t seem to feel. It was so much easier than any of the attempts I had made to learn to do this. I still had to practice and failed several times. I had to learn the rules, which I still don’t understand.

Like it must be the rules of my brain right? But idk I just know if I point and do the technique at a plate for a slide of pizza, I get a half eaten crust. If I do it at the oven, I get two giant, deliciously perfect pizzas. Other than they are stupid messy.

So this entity is a smart ass. It seems to think I should remember things and details I don’t, that I should know the things I am asking when I really don’t. But it helps me, and it teaches me and it leaves me feeling energized and hopeful. It told my knows when my dreaming but it doesn’t know what I do when I’m not. But if it’s a thought form, why can’t anyone get rid of it?

People see it attached to me, but no one seems to figure it out for me, either. It frightens away things, and tells me it’s a guide in a smart ass tone that implies I’m stupid for even asking that.

But I am awfully damned confused. I don’t know what I believe as far as I’d entities are part of our subconscious, outside of us all together, if we are all one big super energy and each personality is just one face of it so we can truly do anything, if it’s all a simulation or what.

Like I don’t know what to think. I know can banish most things, I know I can recognize energy in this plane and do some interesting things but man.

Man dream world is fucked up and it’s help to get me out of my complex is giving me a complex, be it my higher self, my mind or wtf ever it actually is.

I think the message for the real world was, not only do I not know how to do some things that well, I actually still have to practice them beyond knowing how to do them if I want consistent results. It’s not really hard at all, some things are much easier than I realize and I quite frankly don’t understand all of the rules of how magic and mercy actually work, excuse experience tells me some of the impossible isn’t that impossible. Some of it seems to be still to me, but some things are insanely real.

There was another interesting sidenote, about this entity and todays dream. It also introduced me to an occult author. She seemed to be sentient like he was. I was pretty excited, I knew the name and it was one that might not be elevated by balg, but I have enjoyed their works and learned a lot without even doing the work as the time didn’t seem to be right for me.

Talk about stupid shit to feel like your in crisis about man. I guess I need to get to the real practice, that I had been contemplating when I went to nap, since practice seems to be the answer here.

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Damn, this is kind of my behavior too. Though it was clear you were attacked. I mean I don’t know whats going on, the last time we talked was a looooong time ago, but seemed something bizarre was going on in your life.

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I just walked away and it just took care of itself.

I’m putting this at the top, so I hopefully don’t forget it. I think it’s important, but I have to get there first.

I’m struggling with even getting started on this project, which makes no sense for someone who wants very badly to be on the other side of the problem.

Instead of working through the first exercises, for the entity I chose, I went to bed. I was tired, emotional and I don’t feel like doing anything, like at all. I made a tuna sandwich because I knew I had to feed myself, not because I was hungry.

I managed to have awful dreams about my husband cheating on me. But the dream argument him and the girl presented was that it wasn’t really cheating because they weren’t fucking.

Might as well have been, and my reaction was almost like it was when my ex actually did this. Except I threatened to magically kill the bitch.

Eventually I stormed off knowing I’d had no affect on either party. I had barely stormed through the kitchen door (that isn’t my kitchen), when I knew she was dead. I knew there were blood and guts everywhere and she had basically exploded. There was a heavy man in the kitchen washing dishes and he seemed to have something to do with it. He only told me how she was pretty much a wasted life form anyways, and my response was, well that will teach her.

I really dislike some of the ways my subconscious and this entity teach me, even if it is something I should know or rather basic.

It took two real conversations and an hour of contemplation to finally hear myself figure it out. Then I still had to understand it.

I know that in the dreamscape, most people are simply blobs of energy and when I move away they disappear. They never actually existed as that person in my dreamscape, it’s just the identity my subconscious assigns them while I am dreaming.

This lesson is about those bad thoughts and things I am afraid my paranoid reactions to life will manifest.

I know that you don’t want to feed the bad energy and bad thoughts, but as long as entertain them- that’s exactly what I am doing. I even asked my husband how to turn them off dammit, and he told me hours later just like I walked him through how the bad situation in my life is done, we don’t have to deal with it or seeking justice, life will- I need to do the same.

I told him it seemed impossible because it’s one thing to say the words but another to believe them. How do you make yourself believe what is true, when you know it for sure but you still don’t believe it?

Complex man. I have a complex but the lesson is clear, simply walk away from them and it will take care of itself. Don’t feed my energy and it will simply cease to be.

I was actually disappointed in myself because I feel like, every passage in this book needs contemplation, how does it fit with what I know and have experienced, do I understand it.

I chose Kali, to be the first Mahavidya I worked with. I chose her mostly because she is an entity I have always felt drawn to, even when I was a scared newbie and wouldn’t work with some entities, even while working with mantras and especially now.

I still don’t know what I think about faces and aspects of entities. Some of it makes sense- I know a 100 people can Luna at the same time, all get what they need and all see or experience a slightly different version of her.

But I don’t know if this the same or I believe it could all possibly be one entity. I just don’t know. I don’t think I have to decide, but I do wish I knew what I thought. It would easier. I’ve been told they are all essentially siblings, but I can’t confirm it anymore than I can believe they are all one thing. :woman_shrugging:

Looking back over my original notes, this seems to resonate even more than I expected:

Part of Kali’s light according to the book is non-violence. It makes sense if you basically invert how she’s normally known.

The goal is to learn that we are essentially reacting to our own thoughts, and not what is actually going on. We have no idea what other people are thinking when they cut us off on the road, what their stresses are or if they even saw us. Maybe they aren’t really assholes. We don’t know. I say this a lot, but apparently I still miss it sometimes.

We base almost every opinion we form, due to experience and not necessarily fact.

I see how this relates and I don’t have the thinking capacity to get it into logical words at the moment. I do think it’s rather ironic that even though I’ve not thoroughly completed the exercises for Kali, I seem to be receiving some of the lessons anyway.

Honestly I don’t think it had so much to do with your thoughts, but rather that I could feel you reading my words. Your energy is rather distinct, and since you fixed my initial stupid, it wasn’t incredibly ridiculous to my mind to assume you might follow along a page or two and decide for yourself whether or not to read this journal.

I knew I didn’t need to tag you in the dream, for you to see it- basically. Lol I had your eyes, even if not your likes!

I think my subconscious just used you as an example of what I fear happening, whether it is or does- isn’t revenant or known. It’s just a fear.

Yes I wonder why the simple things are so hard for me, and the impossible so easy.

It seems cruel and unusual lol.

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Someone else sent me this so I had to check in. Anyways no more bumping the thread from my side. Take care :smiley:

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I thought I had all figured out. Guess If that was the cases I wouldn’t be using my phone so I can type and pace the sidewalk behind my house at the same time.

I was originally going to walk you through a moment of revaluation and revelation. Now I’m angry and well. Let’s just try to get the important matters covered.

I have a housemate atm, in addition to living with my husband, but not someone who practices like I do at all. In fact until a few days ago, he’d never in his life seen tarot tell a story. Let alone an accurate, in depth explanation, give targets, confirm thoughts etc.

He’s said many times he’s never encountered someone whose knowing was so on etc.

Well it’s not that great. I nearly missed spiritual attacks twice now. I knew there were attacks on this house and it’s relationships from last weeks events and carrying ons, I did ritual which I so rarely do… and spirits came through that I didn’t expect.

I didn’t expect the Loa at all. I’ve not worked with them in nearly two years, other than to have a fond thought here or there and know that my development laid elsewhere, but they are always watching those they’ve chosen. They just are, I gave up on the spirits in the peripheral that watched but meant no harm. This is just them.

When I heard one targets name, I got impressions And I knew this was a target for a good friend. It was just his type. I never even thought about the loa despite knowing from fact, and hearing from the housemate what our target would practice and who they would have access to to pay for anything else.

My friend confirmed this was a target he could take, the Loa had already made themselves known recently so it fit to him.

It only took five words from his working for me to go oh shit in shit look at this…

I didn’t give my friend anything, not the name or the situation or anything beyond I have a target, practicing voodoo and it’s interfering with an already fckd up situation at home.

The five words my friend gave me indicated an item, that we had received recently, it indicated a location- which the item came from recently and even indicated what to do- though I’m sure my friend was like… wth.

The item already had the mixture it needed for the spiritual cleansing due to where it came from, I just had to get it to water.

I don’t normally traipse down to the river at midnight, under the light of the slightly not full moon, but I sure will when the knowing and the information from an uninformed third party tells me what to do.

I knew I had to reserve my energy for the other targets and actions. I may not be their target, but I was affected. They managed to make my fears so strong that I couldn’t see past them let alone the real attacks on my family. I couldn’t believe it was possible.

I had a momma witch situation two years ago, a physically harming attack on my person since, and now my family is being attacked because of who they are and it has nothing to do with love, friendship or anything good.

The cards are clear it’s unjust revenge from people who can’t move on with their life’s.

Every time I see a thread about someone working for years on something they just can’t get… wow. I don’t know if I’ll be able to help those people now, because quite frankly it’s not even in the practitioners best interest to do this work. It fucks to their life and their life path and the cards and spirits are clear. I remember being this way with someone for nearly a year once, and that’s pretty bad. So some of these ten and twenty year obsessions…

This is mine. My husband my life, my path, I’ve done the work, I’ve had help, I’ve paid the price. I’m on the right path, I’m not even on hold or hiatus anymore- for most of it. I’m waiting on a governmental green light to run with my dreams… the approval is there it’s quite literally a piece of paper and figuring out one detail and I’m off and running my own business, doing what I want to do- helping people with the spirits I create to empower them to take this life and make it there own.

So back to the story. I handed off even cleansing the home to the housemate. I knew had powerful banishing techniques and I need only give him the tools and job and walk away.

I walked away and I made magical paper. I first gathered my herbs- lavender and rose petals off our very own rose bush. I reached out and connected with the energy, sharing my intent before I soaked each sketchbook page in lavender, and rose water that I steeped myself, then I dried the pages in the sun.

I cut the pages into smaller squares and began the rest of the magic.

It seemed hard to start, despite being a project I’ve thought about doing just because it’s sweet. Once I had started I soon ran out papers and cut more from the stack of uncut magic paper.

I also used a pen I had previously charged as a tool for imbuing intent. I went until I felt energetically drained, imbuing my love and pride for my husband in each little page.

I thought that this was exactly right, it fit with the teachings of radical non violence and Kali in my mind for sure. I’ve been receiving the teachings, the messages… it seems I’m on track. My dream entity told me not to give energy to the attacks basically- walk away and the energy disappears right, like someone else is taking care of it.

It sure seemed like someone else was taking care of it, just like the cards and dreams- focus on my love- until I woke up to dramatically opposite results. I don’t usually have this, so I have been having fits, at myself mostly, about god dammit.

I have proof from this one group of events that Loa most certainly do value someone who they can teach and will grow powerful in their own right over someone who worships and relies on them.

It’s one things to rely on powerful spirits and an entirely different matter to be taught how to do what they do when people call asking for help.

They made it clear I should have seen it despite the fact that we are supposed to assume mundane, take mundane actions first, rule it all out… I’d have never gotten confirmation if I’d acted when I first thought it, wouldn’t have had any idea the gravity of the ones working had or any of it… but I was still clueless until I realized wait a min.

I don’t think like this.

Every time I’ve seen spiritual attack in action, so far I’ve been unaffected except I wouldn’t normally think whatever the shit is. I’d normally have a fit, and get over it not wallow for days.

But after what I’ve been through, everyone expects me to break down… and apparently I have begun to think maybe they right, when I wouldn’t normally.

So I got the message, I understand that the Loa and maybe Shakti or maybe it’s my personal Met Tal or whoever is attached to me, protecting me, and making sure I don’t miss the obvious… and I even understand that I have more targets than I have time and energy for.

I’m not a baneful girl. I can do a real powerful working when it’s for something I feel call to, when It’s for someone I love, but when the messages say so clearly, don’t intervene on this, he has to see it himself…

Idk. Why should have to wait till someone gets on board when I’m right all the time. When it’s not a matter of being right but a matter of importance, such as dude in telling you, I’ve been drugged, I know me and I feel like I’ve been drugged.

Yeah I know, I’d have chosen the wrong hospital still and they wouldn’t have taken the samples anyway, so I’d get the same result- except I’d know my husband listened to me.

So how do you calmly explain it, share how it came about, oh what about my third party who was not privy to the story At All, knowing what item was magically imbued…

And get them to believe you, your not crazy. I’m the one always explaining how no fear, a spirit in this house didn’t do that, we have rules and I can tell you for certain this item did hide because of them. I’ve seen some shit that looked like glamours designed to hide an item right in front of your face though… and that’s unbelievable. I hear you say things you don’t remember as soon as it’s out of your mouth, doesn’t sound like you at all…

:woman_shrugging::woman_facepalming::woman_facepalming::woman_facepalming: I just don’t know friends.

Be careful of the intrusive thoughts. They might not be yours and might not be mental illness that you shouldn’t be inclined to have, is todays take away. The rest of it looks like a pile of shit to me, at least until the next lesson.

Watch out for those phone autocorrecting my obscurely referenced typos- too. They just might confuse you.

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You fucked with the wrong witch, bitch.

I think is what I am going to call the reversal oil I just made. It’s got a bit of a twist, a few substitutes and the intent to fck some bitches up, well imbued into it

I’ve struggled with what to post or not the last day or so. Events have once again left me wondering, who is reading my journals that could be considered stalkers, rather than lurkers. Perhaps I’ll never know.

I had a dream where living aunts and uncles and some that are dead, told me they were glad I broke the curse, because they could still feel the residue, it was so strong.

Probably coincidence due to circumstances, but it stood out as something to note.

Yesterday, I got up and went to smoke, like I do every morning shortly after waking. With my husband working again, it’s easier for me to keep up the morning routine, than it was when he was at home full time taking care of my sick little ass. We’d had a rather dramatic evening, due to the choices I made out of annoyance.

Somehow that jar full of love, even managed to break an iPhone 11, when I slammed it down on the table in frustration. The phone wasn’t even close to where I slammed the jar on the table, but it bounced.

I think it was a good thing, despite making me disappointed. It was originally someone else’s phone, and they have made it clear they don’t have good intentions toward my home- thusly why I have the phone and they aren’t here. It was mine, bought and paid for, twice given to people I love- and it was still actually good, but the first owners mal intent led to me taking it back.

Shouldn’t ruin your privileges, ya know?

Anyways I’m already off track. I get up and I go out after a shit show night, in which my husband more than proves his love to me, despite my anger and antics over having to wait for everyone else to get to the same page as me.

I walk out and sit down and wtf is that…

It was an organza bag of manure, smashed on the sidewalk, next to what was obviously a Lugee of spit.

I was back in the house within minutes. Come on man. so not to interrupt but since I’m a crazy paranoid individual apparently, I need you three to come tell me what this is.

I already knew what it was, and so did they when they saw it. I was disappointed when my husband picked it up and threw it the neighbors yard with a curse of his own. He thought it was them, I think not at all. There’s lots of farms and Dutch around without it being an obnoxious neighbor just being obnoxious.

I didn’t however stop him, because even though I was going to share it here, I immediately realized that his actions were almost better than a reversal. A redirection, towards a group of individuals that I’m about ready to do some move away work on, isn’t a conflict of my interest and well it’s not unjust even within the type of folk magic this is to want that, after some of their very unrelated to this, antics.

Not an hour later, I almost missed a glamour. Or we are going to assume it was that- because I quite frankly very plainly saw the individual behind the physical harm on my person, drive down the road in a truck that wasn’t his.

Of course I was told I was paranoid. No one could see how I could mix up who it was with who I thought it was… until we came back later and the person they thought it was- was in the passenger seat and the person I thought it was- two I. The driver seat.

Apparently who I thought it was is now friends with a dude across the street. Guess he better be careful, because harassment is a real thing and just because they can’t prove the other, doesn’t mean I haven’t been gathering evidence of harassment and stalking for quite a while.

Last night I decided that radical non violence, doesn’t mean I have to be a doormat. I don’t do anything wrong, illegal, unethical or immoral, I help people in need, I give more than I take and try to leave things better than I found them.

My husband says I better know what I’m doing and I say… well. I’d be more concerned that they better know what they are doing at this point.

Not only do I now have a collection of their dna from the spit, but I know what type of folk magic they practice. Exactly which type, personal concerns and an energetic signature. He didn’t get what that meant and I’m like man…

If I’m going to do curses or hex someone or whatever… I try to make sure I’m not working on someone that practices at all, let alone would know how to target me back. I mean really, I did a mage war thing once and it wasn’t all that fun. I don’t really want to do one now…

But I will. There’s enough targets on my household atm that anyone daring enough to come up to my back door, early enough in the morning to leave a hex bit late enough the spits still wet can probably go fck off. For real, we were up late and I was in and out to smoke many times, there is no way I could have walked by it and not through it, it’s hot and humid so even in the early morning, the sidewalk isn’t going to stay wet.

I cough out mucus all the time due to the damage in my lungs, I’ve got a pretty good idea of how long it takes to dry clean, from missing the grass.

So this morning, I did an old school reversal working- with a twist. I’ve fortunately studied any material I could find on folk magic, regardless of area so I felt confident adjust my work to fit the need.

I don’t happen to keep many supplies, so I made the reversal candles myself. I started with six votives from the dollar tree.

I basically dismantled each candle, cut the tops so they were flat and put them together, using my last black taper candle to seal both sides.

From here, I made reversal oil.

Then of course, I had to the actual work.

I am not really sure, there is an applicable lesson to this working. I still had one however.

Some of the biggest part of my distraught over this entire fucking mess, is having had my worst fears not only used against me, but having had it work. Quite frankly being called paranoid and schizophrenic by those you love, simply because they don’t understand- doesn’t feel good.

It wasn’t even calling me that, it was months ago now, it was more like the logical reaction on their end, but they were trying to be supportive and let me know even if that happened, they were still in.

Don’t worry, I’ve not let how this made me feel die, it’s come up a dozen times, especially with all this crazy witchy shit going on. It’s come up because as soon as I’m doubted, I want be like yeah, well when I said I was being drugged it took provefor you to believe me…

I finally realized last night, that I wasn’t wrong in how it made me feel, but it wasn’t his fault either. All of the scenarios have been rather fantastical even to me, that’s why it took me so long to speak up to begin with.

But even more than that, it occurred to me that I’m looking for outside validation, even when I don’t actually need it. I have it in so many ways, even at home that I am very very fortunate. Not only does my husband believe I can do some fantastical things, but so does my household and my balg friends.

My husband is on the same page now, even if it took him a minute. It’s not really fair to expect that he would just believe me when I know he doesn’t have the experiences I do, hasn’t read the material or practices it- he’s simply watched me and I haven’t always been confident just saying what I was doing.

I’ve stuttered and redirected and tried to explain what exactly each ingredient was for, a bunch of times because I was embarrassed. Today I didn’t do that, I just decided enough happened that here it is, paranoid or not doesn’t really matter- no one will stop me or try to intervene- they are just curious.

My need for validation, is probably a lack of belief and confidence in myself, thrown in with the embarrassment over nothing and… yeah.

I was ranting a few weeks ago, about the lack of outside validation and wishing more was understood- in the direction of my husbands ancestors about it, and I heard so clearly that just because something was for me, didn’t mean it had to be for everyone.

I know a lot of things, and somehow I miss the real simple- all the time.

Sorry for the autocorrects and typos, I’ll try to get back to working in the office, someday soon.

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Have you thought about moving this to the lounge? Especially if your posting the magic you’re working against your attackers.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

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I’ve thought about it, and I’ve decided that would be giving into fears, which may ultimately work against me and feed energy that would otherwise die out or get taken care of on its own.

I might be relying on that one dream too much for this, but I don’t think so.

I’m not doing anything wrong or illegal, I’m not even leaving my own property or asking for unjust vengeance or anything like the opponents are.

I have to think if they need to go to such great lengths to successfully attack my household and garner an effect, that it just might be in my favor to let them wonder.

Let them wonder what I left out, let them wonder about that funny looking reversal oil, let them wonder about who I know and what skills I’ve not spoken about and what I’ve studied or who my spiritual Friends really are.

To learn they are giving needed, character building and healing experiences- eh.

Let them know that what they are doing is making me stronger. It seems only fair.

Thank you though, your sympathy is not unappreciated :grin:

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I had thought, this would be just another short interlope through a deep topic. I’m not really sure that will true however.

I had the notion of my own accord last night, that perhaps I should take a closer look at the other Mahavidyas and get a feel about whose lessons would be next.

I had a pretty firm gut feeling however, that it was not time yet. In the long run I decided to wait and see how things panned out before moving on.

I felt that I understood the stance of radical non-violence and how most of our reactions are not based on reality, but rather the past and our vasanas.

Understanding a concept and applying it to yourself, are however two separate matters.

I got up fairly early this morning, took care of some personal matters and then received what I thought was incredibly not great news.

I ranted a small bit and even wondered what new game I was going to find myself involved in now.

I even considered asking someone for help on the matter, for surely is someone else didn’t take care of it, I might just loose my shit.

I saw this after my long rant to… pretty much myself, and thought well. I guess we’ll see. I was only trying to busy my mind for a minute, rather than continue worrying. I had no success with the call I made in regards to the matter. No matter how I asked my question, I got the same answer.

I just couldn’t understand how it made any kind of sense.

Finally my housemate brings me the mail, and I find that not only do I hold the answer to my question- but that actually it is good news that is not in any perceivable way bad.

I let half the story, given by one of the two involved agencies, combined with what is probably not updated online information choose how I reacted.

Damned. If the mail had come before the email, I would have understood I was only looking at part of the information, and that it was a one time change- in my favor.

I imagine, that I probably do this more than I realize. How many times has my husband told me, that no a statement wasn’t meant to hurt my feelings, or how I took it?

Probably more than ten fingers worth of times.

I didn’t forget that manifesting items in my dreams wasn’t really very hard, but I had to practice. I just somehow haven’t applied the concept as much to this journey as I should have.

It’s really not enough to understand a concept, at least not when it’s important. To master it, we have to practice it- in real situations, in real life.

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I’ve begun to understand that I must either be completely crazy and somehow manifest or tap into things that confirm my experiences for me and to my household, or there really is something to this magic thing, and perhaps my inner thoughts aren’t as crazy as they seem to my logical mind.

I had a pretty eerie experience last Monday evening. I wasn’t trying to, in fact I’d been trying to go to sleep, thinking things were okay, but I swear I could use some more answers and fewer unknown factors.

I didn’t manage to go to sleep, though I did sort of trance out, laying there in a state of in between- not thinking so strongly I could remember my thoughts, but not letting go enough I could actually sleep.

I was really astounded to find myself in a mental state, that was identical to the night I was certain I was going to die if I didn’t will myself to stay in my body.

It was different though, not induced by an unknown accidentally ingested substance. I was still shaking, but not uncontrollably. My body didn’t feel real confident but my mind did. My body seemed to reflect some inner fear, or maybe even knowledge of what was going on, but my mind was pretty sure I was going to be okay, period.

I’m not really sure how to explain, because I didn’t see anything phenomenal at all, but I could hear… lots of things. It was like I could hear the entire spirit world all at once, but then it was like something way more powerful stepped up and drowned that out.

I was told things. Things that don’t make sense to a logical human. Things about soul contracts and who the people in my household are to me, and I was given two names. But most of all, I was given the opportunity to remember.

I really pretty much scoffed at that. What good does it do me to remember this fantasy story, I mean come on, for real what is the benefit.

Apparently I’ve forgotten before, apparently I’ve stood in front of whatever this being was and made choices that didn’t align with my purpose, and so I forgot.

Still not really sure I care man, this changes what? I’m going to wake up tomorrow in this bed right? My mantra is I am okay, as long as my husband (insert name instead) has me. it covers a few different meanings to me and rolls into one profound statement, reflecting what I know somewhere deep inside of me. As long as he has me, as long as I don’t leave- I’m okay. As long as he has me and gives a shit/has my back- I am okay.

I know, that I could forget all these weird magical experiences, all the crazy fantasy stories I’ve been told, and I’m going to be okay because well. I figured it out once, something deep inside me believes even if my mind doesn’t so…

So you’re threatening me with another cycle. After I already overcame it? Phewwwww whatever man.

Somehow I still found myself outside burning tissue papers with menses, in a tall stand alone ashtray that resembles a ritual type censor.

Whattttt.

I don’t know. I know it’s old, it’s been in the freezer over a year. I know I have a pretty big frozen liquid supply too, just because it doesn’t seem I will ever regain regularity there, even though the symptoms of menopause have otherwise subsided.

So it’s a limited supply. To me that makes it more valuable, like the highest coin in my coin purse- by far. The fact I value it more than other spiritual currencies, and that I’m reluctant to dive into the stores, most certainly make it seem more valuable to something.

That’s the price that was demanded to meet a soul contract, but it didn’t seem to be my contract. It seemed to be needed to fill someone else’s obligations- that they don’t seem to know they had.

That’s right, three am and I’m outside burning menses to something clearly stronger than myself in order to keep my current reality and build upon it.

It was almost like paying the price for my freedom at the same time, since apparently the things said to me, the ability to tap into whatever that was- would not be lost to me. I wouldn’t loose the knowledge, I shouldn’t probably outright say it- but mostly because no one would believe it. It’s not as dangerous this life time apparently to do what I am doing, because the whole world seems to be more acceptant than they were even when I was a child.

In fact, whatever this was wanted me to keep doing what I am doing. The rules they imposed were pretty much what I already do- I don’t go around throwing baneful magic for no reason, I give people extra chances, even when directly attacked I give people a chance to walk away, throw up protection, then protection that reflects harder than what was sent… I mean really if someone doesn’t take a hint, I’m not going to lay down and die for them. But for the most part I let life take care of itself.

Nor did I lay down and take it when it was real circumstances. I’m not out chasing revenge or spreading rumors or doing anything. I took more than my share of responsibility, I removed the threat, adhere to my obligations and basically take the stance don’t fuck with me and I won’t fuck with you.

Pretty simple to the do the right most of the time, your gut knows what that is, so yeah I rant and rave and carry on sometimes, but that’s so I get the energy out, gone, no further need to do anything, fcking Assholes will fck with the wrong person eventually, and todays not my day to be that person.

That was how I ended up meeting the terms I was given, for one I was pretty certain that there was more to it than I could perceive, though I can’t imagine how I am part of some bigger cosmic plan- I just felt I’d had this opportunity before and I squandered it. Even if I’m not fully sure what it is, it does seem to be related to the work I do for others, and how that impacts the whole of humanity.

I guess I would normally ask why me and not someone else, but that seems rather like the old me and not much like the Keteriya I am now. I don’t understand the why’s, but I do understand I see a trend. I see a lot of individuals on balg, like me. They seem to have a greater role to play than what they realize. Maybe their mantras will help others advance faster or maybe their ability to defend will keep more innocents from perishing, or perhaps it’s something even greater than that.

So I didn’t ask, because if any of the experience was to be believed, then it must also be believed that it was my intention to eventually get to this place, in this incarnation.

I had to really set this shit aside. I burned my blood, told my husband via text I had a strange dream, and then went back to bed. It was first night working last week, and he woke me later to tell me he had also had strange dreams.

It wasn’t until two days ago, that I inadvertently got confirmation I had made the right choices. I don’t even know how it came up, but I found myself telling the housemate about the experience, after having asked if he had a relative by one of the names I had been given.

I once again explained it as having been a dream, because god dammit. I’ve had enough of this Ket you might be crazy shit- no doubt I’m aware, please stop the confirmation and shit and commit me instead… it would be easier to be just crazy sometimes. At least on my mind.

But it doesn’t work that way. The housemate actually immediately recognized both names, and they aren’t common human names. They aren’t even commonly known spirit names, and the housemate assured me I’d have never found the link by accident even if I’d been looking for it.

He even knew exactly what ritual it was I was out in the yard doing at 3 am on command. I haven’t had the time to look up the lore, but he had the fortune to grow up with parents a little magical crazy like me, so in some ways he knows much more than I.

Here I stand, confused as fuck, yet someone I don’t know real well, has the missing pieces. My husband didn’t comment, but since this happened he’s also had several odd things happen and my housemates situation that was all awry- has turned right side up again.

Everything else has as well. All of a sudden the household is working like a team, flexing and flowing as it should instead of constantly being out of sorts.

I also managed to reach an understanding of the entity that constantly enters my dreams and teaches me things. Apparently I should have studied the concept of the Holy Guardian Angel from the golden dawn perspective, or at least actually studied the subject. I’ve bought books on the subject and always assumed I either didn’t have a guide, or something.

However I somehow found myself reading:

And all of a sudden I got it. I don’t fully understand it still however. I have long seen how most religious paths were basically working towards the same goal, but I didn’t understand that it was all to basically gain access to the same being.

Well sort of the same. If it’s different for everyone, how can it be the same? I understand it’s supposed to be the rest of me basically, and that it can’t be subconscious since it consistently tells me it is not omnipresent in my life. It knows things I can’t just know, is easiest to reach out of body or in dreams, and prefers to take a face that reflects what I want, expect or fear about my husband.

It’s made statements about merging with me, and teaching me to access its powers, and I largely haven’t seen the point. It’s cool to make fire in my palm out there somewhere else, but how does that help my incarnation?

I don’t know fully, but I can see how I ended up on the current journey after reading this book and doing the Ultimate divination reading. I used true black, we all trust that deck and I knew if I was right, well this decks already in touch with this entity.

I am of course always surprised to see the deck just lay it out like it is. It doesn’t pussy foot around and somehow someone’s system that doesn’t match my deck- still works. It blows my mind to read the cards from someone else’s interpretation rather than my own and still it lays out the cycles I know I’ve had to work on, and does accurately for my husband as well.

We knew these things, but it’s curious to see the cards say them, when you don’t know what to expect.

All of it makes me wonder if I have not valued the sexual side of magic as much as I should have. I value the connection I have with my husband and he meets more check marks than I had, and it seems to be mutual.

However, the more I look at the self love concepts and the more I understand about this holy guardian angel thing, the more I realize that’s the one thing I’ve still continued to avoid, and that it would likely be beneficial to us both, even if my husband doesn’t think we could possibly be any better in that department. I struggle to see that too, but it seems almost all paths cross it as a bridge to understanding the self better.

Either way, the key to everything seems to always comes back around to loving and accepting myself- the past, present and future, instead of relying on someone else’s belief in me. The confirmation always seems to roll around for those in doubt, so somehow I must learn to accept that it’s okay if I have to wait for them to catch up.

I can decide how I feel about the sexual side of magic and the holy guardian angel later.

Like maybe when I understand what it actually is. :woman_facepalming:

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Helios Unbound for the “Pagan” version. Candle, incense heavy, but those are largely unnecessary. Takes a while, but could be rushed. At worst, you’d have to continue to develop it after “finishimg”, provided the areas were properly built up. Hit me up, if interested.

This leaf we call Earth on a twig on a branch? Just my way of trying to put words to something I can’t describe. But I can merge with for periods of time. Honestly not sure we are all playing with the same deck, but (somehow) decks that largely overlap. Hard to describe.

As for the rest, seems like some things have turned. Hit me up if you need something. I’ll sling for ya.

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I think I understand you. I have the Helios book but haven’t finished reading it…

I guess my biggest bafflement of it all, is it’s been around fairly often and I’ve not recognized it, I’ve even feared it.

Lol damned we all working for something that was right there all along…

I clearly lack a lot of understanding at this point.

Thank you, always appreciated.

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I do not recall which book I took these from now, it was at least two different books but it’s just another way to say basically what the goal of all this seems to point to. Realization of a few key things.

This one is from Shatki rising:

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If you don’t already have it, you might be interested in reading Damon Brand’s book Magickal Destiny if you want to explore a method of HGA work that is not prayer heavy like the original Abramelin operation.

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I do have it, and it appears I stopped reading it at page 95…

I’m not sure what’s kept me from going deeper into the topic, other than I’m not sure how I can understand the concept of a Holy Guardian Angel fits into… everything being an extension of one source, versus what I’ve encountered indicating it’s more of one source and all the different pantheons starting as basically siblings, versus all the other theories.

I think my lack of comprehension has to be at least part of it, but I also think something in me is afraid to know, and afraid to understand.

Does it do me any good to understand if no one else can relate to it? I mean I can pick up apart the theories and trash the things that don’t make sense and come to basically the same conclusions yet none of it makes sense if I choose to believe this incarnation made choices coming into it because…

I don’t know. I feel like a mad crazy woman trying to understand how it all fits. Surely I just must be missing a cog for the wheel or something simple.

Maybe the problem is I’m trying to piece it all together without knowing what the hell it is I’m putting together?

Edit: If I remember correctly, Brands methods may actually be good for my personal situation, because I apparently can make contact, but I need to work on my awareness of the fact I’m doing it.

Seems like one of the protocols was basically assigning a mundane task to increase the connection, through the energy expended on the task.

That may be plenty all on its own, for this part of my work at least.

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Some advice on the Helios version and why I stopped. This guardian, over the period of a very long time of being built up with different minute energies, then guides and has a sort of power over you. I stopped right before the point of surrender, if you will. Throughout the process, I refused to say the words where I subjugated myself and decisions to this entity, that I was building, because it was supposed to have some sort of better observation platform to then control and effect my workings.

But what I gained from it was the ability to look for that quality (even unintentional) in people and work on that entity, too, to remove the buffer effects it can give.

I refuse to give an entity I created power over my workings. The Balg God-Form, the idealized version of the caster, isn’t much different, just much less refined and useful, in my opinion.

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You have Helios Unbound and this book. If Ket doesn’t mind the side-track, could you kindly list the difference you see? I am interested, if cool with Ket.

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No I think it would be quite alright, the whole purpose of Shatki rising, is not entirely different from this, and seems to actually be intertwined to me, despite my lack of comprehension.

It’s a completely different system, but the quest to be whole, seems to be the same.

I don’t think I need replacements for this working, but rather supplements- if that makes sense. To aid in my comprehension and application of covered concepts. Anyone following along might welcome a different way than the one I choose, too. :grinning::grin:

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The main difference is that in Helios Unbound you are basically creating the entity, whereas the HGA is said to already exist, and you only need to reach out to it. In Magickal Destiny, the protocols are designed to help facilitate contact and communication, and as you reach out to the HGA, the HGA descends to reach out to you.

To connect with the angel, you don’t need any tools. Simply the desire to make contact is enough, though there are sigils within Magickal Destiny that are designed to help you get out of your own way and to improve the contact. Even the original Abramelin operation doesn’t involve any candles, or conjurations or anything, only prayer and some isolation.

You are also advised not to surrender yourself to the angel. The HGA is a magical protector and guide, but it does not override your free choice, though it may push you in certain directions to further your growth and development. Its role is kind of similar to the kind of guidance you receive from Hel and Hecate, for example.

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