Shadow work prompts + journal

[Onion]

Trigger Warning! Proceed with caution. This is a shadow work prompts list with my own experiences, the heavy stuff.

As it is with my usual journals, I will be using letters for the different spirits. Here is the list:

H - Hades
L - Lucifer
M - Michael
G- Guides

Most will be with Lucifer. I had already scratched the surface of my shadow before I asked for his help to dive deeper. He is now someone I talk to on a regular basis, including non-shadow work related things. Most of the questions I have received are from Lucifer.

Each question will be divided into the area of life it is related to, directly or indirectly. Feel free to add your own.

Let’s begin.

Academics

Now, I have this big fear of failure. I had a lot of trouble releasing it. It came up a few days ago again, for a final “letting go”.

Here are the questions I used:

**L: Why do you fear failure? What caused it? **

• When you’re repeatedly scolded for not scoring enough, and the added pressure of society that a good grade is equal to a good life. When your happiness and your individuality is tied to a few numbers on paper, you forget who you are, and in the process attach your life purpose to those set of numbers. Marks, grades, percentage, they’re not the end of your world or your life unless you make them to be.

Take back yourself from those numbers. If you get a 90, people won’t know you like dogs.

L: Understand that you are more than what’s printed, and take it.

L: What is hindering you (closely related to question 1)?

• Fear of failure

L: Why?

• Emotionally unavailable family, only cared as long as I got good marks. Threats of getting me married off (I was around 14) if I didn’t do well at school.

L: There’s more, say it. It’s okay. Cry if you want to.

• (I did cry) Forced to shut myself in a box. I detached myself from everything, became emotionally numb to love, pain, happiness, anger, everything. I was a machine. And I did what I was programmed to do- go to school, come home, eat, study, dinner, sleep, repeat. I was being bullied, for being me. I had no one to talk to, the teachers didn’t listen. My sister and mum always fought, dad wasn’t home. I was alone.

L: (lets me take a break, we come back to it after a few days) Let’s continue, how does ( question 2) relate to your current situation?

• (I think) I had a breakdown in front of everyone a few weeks ago, it finally dawned on them that I was sailing my ship alone for all these years…I think. (What I described in my previous answer started in 2016, I broke myself free from it in 2020 via a rebirth meditation). I’m still not sure. But as long as I’m a student, I will be known by what I score.

I know that I am more than that. I still don’t have a lot of friends, my interests are still not something my family wants to hear about.

I’m still worried about my score, because I am afraid of what will happen if I don’t…reach there expectations. Mum wants me to score above 600, I haven’t done a single mock test. I’m terrified. I can’t sleep at night, but I can’t tell them. They won’t believe me.

(I realise, the worst that could happen is they yell at me again. But I’ll finally be free. Because in their anger, they’ll tell me to pick any path because they’ll say they don’t care, and if I hold me ground, I’ll twist it in my favor).

L: What is your fault? And what is not?

• It’s all too foggy. My family being unavailable was not my fault. I’m not sure about what I did…I probably should’ve reached out to the counsellors at school. But I wasn’t even aware I was in a toxic situation.

Love

Regarding romantic relationships, some of the blockages I had carried from my past life. In all the visions and messages I have recieved about it, I was almost always either cheated on, or my partner died. One of them burned down my house, and all my books and notes.

G: How are you feeling today?

• Fine, I think.

G: You’re aware of what happened in the past. The one you saw is the one that’s most significant.

G: Why do you look for love?

• I’m…lonely?

G: Much more than that, dear.

L: (it seemed that my guide knew he was coming, since they felt a bit farther away) You’re trying to fill something with what you call “love”. A replacement. What are you trying to replace?

• The attention I never got from my parents. I chased those who had 0 attention to give, or too much of it. I have had stalkers. One ex, never stopped calling me. Another one, never talked to me.

I didn’t like being dialed up all day, I was used to being alone. I did not know how to set boundaries. When I did, I pushed him away, and it ended there.

For the other, they never made time for me. But I still kept sending message after message, and poured my heart out. I got ghosted, ignored and finally blocked.

(This ex, suddenly moved to another state. I didn’t go to say goodbye. My guides stepped in for me, because by this time with all that was going in my house, I had no strength left in me.)

L: There is another.

• No…?

L: We’re talking about attachments here, not established “relationships”.

• (I remember a guy I liked for as long as I can remember. This was after my first ex, and before my last one)

(Before anyone says, how is it possible to like one while liking another, I’m polyamorous. I had a lot of shame attached to this as well, because I thought I was cheating on my current partner.)

We fought. Everytime we talked we fought. And I always ran back because he understood me. At least I felt like he understood me. He too, never initiated any conversation. It was always me.

M: Cut the cord, it’s time.

• I don’t feel like I want to.

L: Let go. The memories are…fine but the longer you stay attached, the longer you’ll feel trapped.

• I never felt like I was trapped.

L: Think again, think now. Just because you stopped talking, doesn’t mean it’s automatically closed.

This is what happened today, before I started this journal. This on-off conversation with this guy went on from 2018 to a few months ago. Today, I am finally letting go. Of him, and everyone else.

Since this is getting too long, I’m splitting this. And I will continue a few other parts in the replies.

[Onion]

Feeling a little mad right now. So I’m gonna use that to continue this. Anger makes you say things, after it’s done you may regret it. I believe rage is when your shadow takes over, and what your shadow says, the shadow means and believes to be the truth.

I don’t usually say anything in anger. I’m the type to sit silently and watch the time tick by while coming up with a come back. I’m the type to give someone a taste of their medicine with 0 fucks given. I’m quite concious even in the few moments of rage I’ve had. Especially in school. I’m sort of glad I’m able to do so. Where the people around me regret what they speak, I don’t. I know words have power, and I know my words.

My mother likes to trigger everyone. She keeps bringing up things from years ago, even if it’s been more than a decade, and weaponizes it. If she asks something, and doesn’t get an immediate answer, she thinks we’re ignoring her.

Sometimes we are, because we’re already quite worked up. Other times we are not and we get worked up.

For the academics I’d like to add:

-Back in 7th grade when I forgot to do something which my mum told me to do in the chemistry and physics paper, she scolded me. I didn’t score “much”- 15/20. It was pretty good considering it was all new information. She said it was too less. Anything below a 17 was less. And she scolded me saying that I didn’t do what she told me to (that was to underline the answers in numericals, and add equations when necessary) because she didn’t have money, and I didn’t respect her as a mother.

I was guilt tripped by her in 7th grade. I was 13. Since then, every mistake I ever made. I wasn’t worried that it was my mistake which I had to learn from. It was her mistake, it was disrespecting her because I made a mistake. This has carried forward to even now.

I didn’t get to college last year. I didn’t score enough. It’s a difficult exam, but everyone considers it easy. Of course it is easy for them, they don’t know the pressure. I’m not saying they never gave a college entrance, but I’m saying the times are different.

Which they understood after they saw how much we had to study.

My sister got in at the 1st try, and she got amazing scores too. We’re in different streams, in different sides of academics. She had fun with her friends in school, went on trips, and I had to stay at home because I had to study.

At the age she explored the world, I was made to sit home.

And now I don’t even want to go out, because I’ve carved myself a comfort zone inside these four walls.

Physical touch, physical affection

Trigger warnings here.

I’ve had my own brushes(?) with pedophiles. I didn’t realise it till this year! Lucifer played a major role in this. I received a scan, I don’t remember who did it, that Lucifer would help me with any trauma I had with male figures. And I was very confused. I didn’t remember anything, I don’t remember anything from my childhood. So I told him about this, that the only male figure I remember were my father and grandfather. My father was usually busy with work, and I was very close with my grandfather, so I don’t think I had any injuries.

I did ask his help with shadow work, it was the initial reason I reached out to him.

He tried to make me remember something, but it didn’t work.

So he took a different approach.

Lucifer became a bit more intimate with me. This was also the time I was learning glamours from Azazel, and Azazel’s energy is a bit sexual. Whenever Azazel came and went, I was left feeling uneasy after that. I thought it was because I wasn’t used to demonic energy. I told Lucifer this, so he appeared in his demonic form for a few days so that I got slowly attuned to it.

It wasn’t demonic energy, it was sexual energy. Lucifer did continue to be more intimate. He was his usual self, but his body language was different. He stood closer, talked in my ear, put his hands beside my neck when I was standing against a wall.

He did stop when it got too much.

L: Do you see now?

-For some time, I couldn’t, till I did.

TW

When I was hardly 10, we used to go to a temple every year for an annual function. There was a man there, who used to play hide and seek with me. I was small, I didn’t realize what he did was all wrong.

When he found me, he didn’t say he found me. He would hold my waist and say he found me. When I was peeking from behind a wall he didn’t say he found me, he would push me against the wall and press my wrists to the wall and say he found me, or choke my neck and say he found me.

I didn’t mind a lot, I thought he was just playing. The choking was too much for me. I told my parents that I didn’t like it, and they told me he was just playing. Everyone was outside the temple, under a tent, this all was happening inside. The temple has a lot of twists and turns.

I avoided him like the plague. The program lasted for 3 days, and I avoided him at all costs. I forgot about this too, as the months passed. Because I never saw him again.

When I was 12, I went to get bread. I had just hit puberty, I was growing.

I got bread, and was walking back home. A man, in front of another shop, probably in his late 30s or 40s, was smoking a cigarette. He called me,“Is it bread for breakfast today?”, with a nasty tone to his voice. I didn’t pay any attention to him, and walked away.

I was taking my cycle for repair, I wasn’t 15 yet, when a few boys on a motorcycle, who were around 17 or older, catcalled me. There’s a word in Hindi, “maal”, literally means a “good catch” in a catcalling sense.

The me back then was flattered they found me attractive, the me now is disgusted and would’ve bound their tongues so they never spoke filth again.

When I just turned 18, a tailor we go to asked for my number.

In 10th grade, I had a stalker.

A pervert neighbor went after me when I used to come back after school, and I actively delayed myself to avoid him.

This all, I never told anyone. And it wasn’t until I reflected on them this year that I realized how much it affected me.

I hate anyone touching me, or touching my things now. I can’t hug my family or my friends, I freeze.

Mother Lilith came around this time, and she with her sisters helped me and pushed me to find the strength within me, and to be comfortable in my feminity and be powerful in it.

I crave love, I really do. But I’m afraid of intimacy. I’m afraid of vulnerability. Because I’ve unconsciously put up a shield around me for so long, I didn’t even recognize it.

I’ve accepted and processed it all. Everything I write in this journal has been worked through. Now I’m moving on from it.

Now when I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t feel hurt. With each passing day, I feel stronger, and a bit more vulnerable with my own self.

P.S: Lucifer did know that the approach he took was uncomfortable for me, it was necessary, but he also showed that he understood the pain and didn’t like doing it, questions would’ve been much better, yes. But it didn’t work.
(I’m starting to think Lucifer is an empath spirit) but again, it was necessary.

I wasn’t angry with him for it. I did argue at some point but it was so that I learnt to recognize and stand up for myself.

We went back to the normal working through questions and floating up memories as usual.

[Onion]

I watched a YouTube video of a hair dresser untangling someone’s hair. It was matted because she hadn’t taken care of it in an year.

Made me think of my own hair. I had waist long hair, naturally straight and silky. In 10th grade I cut it off because of heat. By winter it grew long again, then in 11th grade I cut it off because I wasn’t taking care of it. It got greasy, tangled, and was falling off. My mum suggested cutting it off again, so I did.

I was happy, because I felt free. I didn’t have to take care of it anymore. Even if it was greasy, I would still be able to brush it and get it done.

I forgot, forget to shampoo sometimes. My hair gets greasy very easily, but dry at the ends. I had long hair back in 12th grade, but I cut it off in the summer again.

That time my sis told me we could’ve just done it at home and not waste money in a salon. I realise I’ve…never gone to a salon since. And the reason I was fine with it because I felt like someone was physically taking care of me.

I didn’t, I never realised how much I had attached to my hair…

[Onion]

[Ak.amber1]

So can lucifer bring up suppressed memories from childhood because of trauma?