Trigger Warning! Proceed with caution. This is a shadow work prompts list with my own experiences, the heavy stuff.
As it is with my usual journals, I will be using letters for the different spirits. Here is the list:
H - Hades
L - Lucifer
M - Michael
Most will be with Lucifer. I had already scratched the surface of my shadow before I asked for his help to dive deeper. He is now someone I talk to on a regular basis, including non-shadow work related things. Most of the questions I have received are from Lucifer.
Each question will be divided into the area of life it is related to, directly or indirectly. Feel free to add your own.
Now, I have this big fear of failure. I had a lot of trouble releasing it. It came up a few days ago again, for a final “letting go”.
Here are the questions I used:
**L: Why do you fear failure? What caused it? **
- When you’re repeatedly scolded for not scoring enough, and the added pressure of society that a good grade is equal to a good life. When your happiness and your individuality is tied to a few numbers on paper, you forget who you are, and in the process attach your life purpose to those set of numbers. Marks, grades, percentage, they’re not the end of your world or your life unless you make them to be.
Take back yourself from those numbers. If you get a 90, people won’t know you like dogs.
L: Understand that you are more than what’s printed, and take it.
L: What is hindering you (closely related to question 1)?
- Fear of failure
- Emotionally unavailable family, only cared as long as I got good marks. Threats of getting me married off (I was around 14) if I didn’t do well at school.
L: There’s more, say it. It’s okay. Cry if you want to.
- (I did cry) Forced to shut myself in a box. I detached myself from everything, became emotionally numb to love, pain, happiness, anger, everything. I was a machine. And I did what I was programmed to do- go to school, come home, eat, study, dinner, sleep, repeat. I was being bullied, for being me. I had no one to talk to, the teachers didn’t listen. My sister and mum always fought, dad wasn’t home. I was alone.
L: (lets me take a break, we come back to it after a few days) Let’s continue, how does ( question 2) relate to your current situation?
- (I think) I had a breakdown in front of everyone a few weeks ago, it finally dawned on them that I was sailing my ship alone for all these years…I think. (What I described in my previous answer started in 2016, I broke myself free from it in 2020 via a rebirth meditation). I’m still not sure. But as long as I’m a student, I will be known by what I score.
I know that I am more than that. I still don’t have a lot of friends, my interests are still not something my family wants to hear about.
I’m still worried about my score, because I am afraid of what will happen if I don’t…reach there expectations. Mum wants me to score above 600, I haven’t done a single mock test. I’m terrified. I can’t sleep at night, but I can’t tell them. They won’t believe me.
(I realise, the worst that could happen is they yell at me again. But I’ll finally be free. Because in their anger, they’ll tell me to pick any path because they’ll say they don’t care, and if I hold me ground, I’ll twist it in my favor).
L: What is your fault? And what is not?
- It’s all too foggy. My family being unavailable was not my fault. I’m not sure about what I did…I probably should’ve reached out to the counsellors at school. But I wasn’t even aware I was in a toxic situation.
Regarding romantic relationships, some of the blockages I had carried from my past life. In all the visions and messages I have recieved about it, I was almost always either cheated on, or my partner died. One of them burned down my house, and all my books and notes.
G: How are you feeling today?
- Fine, I think.
G: You’re aware of what happened in the past. The one you saw is the one that’s most significant.
G: Why do you look for love?
G: Much more than that, dear.
L: (it seemed that my guide knew he was coming, since they felt a bit farther away) You’re trying to fill something with what you call “love”. A replacement. What are you trying to replace?
- The attention I never got from my parents. I chased those who had 0 attention to give, or too much of it. I have had stalkers. One ex, never stopped calling me. Another one, never talked to me.
I didn’t like being dialed up all day, I was used to being alone. I did not know how to set boundaries. When I did, I pushed him away, and it ended there.
For the other, they never made time for me. But I still kept sending message after message, and poured my heart out. I got ghosted, ignored and finally blocked.
(This ex, suddenly moved to another state. I didn’t go to say goodbye. My guides stepped in for me, because by this time with all that was going in my house, I had no strength left in me.)
L: There is another.
L: We’re talking about attachments here, not established “relationships”.
- (I remember a guy I liked for as long as I can remember. This was after my first ex, and before my last one)
(Before anyone says, how is it possible to like one while liking another, I’m polyamorous. I had a lot of shame attached to this as well, because I thought I was cheating on my current partner.)
We fought. Everytime we talked we fought. And I always ran back because he understood me. At least I felt like he understood me. He too, never initiated any conversation. It was always me.
M: Cut the cord, it’s time.
- I don’t feel like I want to.
L: Let go. The memories are…fine but the longer you stay attached, the longer you’ll feel trapped.
- I never felt like I was trapped.
L: Think again, think now. Just because you stopped talking, doesn’t mean it’s automatically closed.
This is what happened today, before I started this journal. This on-off conversation with this guy went on from 2018 to a few months ago. Today, I am finally letting go. Of him, and everyone else.
Since this is getting too long, I’m splitting this. And I will continue a few other parts in the replies.