For 20 years - going back to high school - i’ve traded my truth in exchange for societal acceptance. I now realize that this has been contemptible. My strongest emotion is self-loathing.
I need to do penance. But my instincts for self-preservation are too strong.
I don’t want to seem ignorant (I am, but since I know it, not as much as some) - but I’ve been increasingly interested in exposing myself to a powerful practitioner who - for whatever reason - would benefit from my willingness to suffer.
Obviously I would be vulnerable to deceptive intent … other than that, may i ask if this is a viable option? I am seriously starting to feel too nihilistic, too desperate to not trying something.