An update.
At one point, shortly after this thread, I meditated and went within my mind. (A severely abbreviated version of Lady Eva’s shamanic travel tutorial she gives out) Manifested around my ‘center’ was a small, chest high rock wall. I dismantled it with a hammer. Not all at once, but for a number of days. I believed I took out the whole thing.
What I was unaware of, and might have been able to notice had I looked, was a parasite embedded deep. I believe planted around the time I gained my ‘companions’ (link to that story in the OP). I may make a post detailing that situation, as it was obvious if I’d paid the symptoms any thought.
So, I did the same thing I did before. I did the shamanic travel thing, headed towards the World Tree. Pictured myself walking, and got into trance focussing on the step by step of it. The terrain got steeper, the closer I got. Small hill, rising at a pretty sharp incline. I eventually had to crawl my way to the top. Once I was at the tree, I dug. The intention was to get to my personal ‘underworld’, my deeper conscious or Self. I did, and it tool longer than it usually does. Eventually, digging in the dark, I hit a rock. I tried digging around it, but as much as I dug around, the rock was consistent. So with effort, I smashed it until I broke through.
Like the very first time I travelled, this time it was pitch black, vague silhouettes of features. I stopped, and focused on seeing; a concentrated effort of will to dispel the darkness. My surroundings weren’t concrete, they switched between terrains and masses until it stopped, settled on something concrete. A desert, with a couple small pyramids with doorways. I asked for my spirit animal, for three signs to its identity. As I moved around the desert, I came across four statues.
One, me with bared teeth, black robe and bloodied hand. The next, me with a book of shadows in hand standing tall. The next, weary eyed , hands behind my head catching my breath. Finally, me curled in a fetal position. Simple enough, it was a manifestation of the way I viewed myself throughout my practice. ‘Markers’ of the different points in self identification that came about after milestones in my experience/practice. The first ones reminded me. The last upset me. So I broke the statue. It was more difficult than getting in, it was more sturdy than the rock barring my entrance here. After some effort, it finally shattered.
I kept looking around for a wall or barrier. It seemed as though the desert and pyramids kept on forever, desolate and devoid of anything. I reached a hand out after passing a pyramid and felt it. The wall I’d been looking for, it wasnt just a normal wall. It was reflecting the land within, giving the illusion* of the barren landscape to stretch on forever. It was hard, solid, and simply trying to smash it wouldn’t break it. So I reoriented myself, the statues of self identity at the center.
Plan was simple enough. Weaken points around the wall, and then a concerted effort will bring the different weak points down shattering it. I wished for and made a bag of railroad spikes and a hammer. What I deemed southwest of center, I drove a spike in at ground level.
The plan was simple. Each railroad spike, i repeated a trait or characteristic I wished to embody, that would enable me to break the wall. So the first trait, I repeat aloud and drove the spike in. Then one above that, doing the exact same thing. Until it was seven spikes tall. I did that five times, each in a pattern around my ‘underworld’, each point placed in the same order I would draw the star in a pentacle. Then, I drove railroad spikes at ground level, seven times between each point, making a circle surrounding my star, making it a proper pentacle. Then, the same thing at seventh spike at the top. I went to the very center, and I drove a bigger railroad spike in, as hard as I could. The force spread, and cracks enveloped the ‘reflection’. I drew another and drove it down on top of the first. Then a third. After that, the mirrorwall broke.
A flood of experiences from my practice that scared me washed over me. The constant clicking of teeth in the corner of my room after I visited a graveyard. The first exorcism of my roommate, the growls and garbled words it spat at me. The depth, the sheer scale of the death current. The mauling endured in the astral. The constant stress of pressing conflict with entities, the lack of sleep and exhaustion. The paranoia of not trusting any entity. And so while I tried to accept all of these things, and integrate them, I really just ended up enduring them again. But after years of parasitic damage done, enduring them instead of ignoring them was enough.
The wall hadn’t been completely dispersed the bottom half of it had crumbled, but the top half slammed down and took his place. Now though, when looking up, there is an actual sky and not just a desolate red reflection.
I didnt realize how long this post would be, or the extent of the damage of self image a deeply embedded parasite could do. I will be making a thread about the the embedded parasitic attachment at some point in the future.
