Whoever is reading this - I hope you’re well and your journey is fruitful.
I’m posting on here after a while… looking back at my previous activity I can see how much I’ve grown as a person - and also how much I still need to grow.
I’ve had stops and starts in my practice and breaks in regularity over the past couple of years, due to a hectic schedule, living circumstances, and constantly moving around.
Introducing more regularity in spiritual practice is something I’m working on.
My spiritual practice most definitely extends to my work life as a creative practitioner/artist, and I have been communing with King Paimon predominantly over these past couple of years.
Tonight I am making an offering to the King in thanks for helping me develop in ways which I could never have anticipated. My intention is to show my humble thanks and love, to reconnect and to ask for future guidance.
I also have to communicate with Duke Sallos at some point… Yesterday I tried to reconnect with the Duke, whom I initially contacted to help strengthen my relationship (and me and my partner are still together, after overcoming various difficulties over the years). After giving thanks, and while meditating on his sigil I got this feeling of utter dread and hostility… I’ve expressed concerns about my relationship with Duke Sallos before on this forum. I might use a pendulum to ask whether he is happy to work with me or not. I’m pretty confused about what to do. I’m not sure if I should respectfully close the gate between us, after giving thanks.
I’m aware I have some psychological muck to rake through regarding my relationship - I am deliberately putting certain things out of my mind, and dealing with things one at a time. Perhaps the hostile feelings are because of that - but I can’t be sure.
But saying that - I am 100% in agreement with Friedrich Nietzshe’s theories on memory and forgetting when he states : Any action requires oblivion, like life, organic beings require not only light but also darkness. and Here, again, the role of the active faculty of forgetfulness, a kind of guardian, a supervisor responsible for maintaining the psychic, tranquility label. We immediately conclude that no happiness, no serenity, no hope, no pride, no enjoyment of the present moment could not exist without the possibility of forgetting.
I aknowledge that right now I’m not psychologically ready to open the flood gates of psychic guilt, regret etc. etc. and let them consume me (both parties have done some bad things in the relationship) because nothing good with come of it, rather, I’ll destroy my own psyche, my relationship and any chance of moving on productively and positively in life. I feel it’s better to accept that I’m not a perfect person - my partner isn’t perfect either and that we still need to develop individually and as a couple - and focus on that development.
Further to that I perhaps need to think about - whose morality am I even adhering to when I feel guilt and regret? Things happen as a result of cause and effect, situations lead us to act in certain ways, sometimes we lose strength, we lose our way - To put it bluntly - my partner went through a long period of alcoholism and his mental health was totally deteriorating despite massive amounts of emotional, practical and financial help from me. He used me in many ways, which was unintentional at the time, but happened nonetheless. Our living situation was chaotic, due to him allowing friends to freeload at our place. He was drunk and abusive aallll the time and I finally moved back in with my parents. He then ran away to his home state, barely contacting me for 3 months, then suddenly reappeared having recovered and received psychological help. For a few weeks while he was away, shortly before he returned, I was convinced our relationship was over and he probably wasn’t coming back and I became involved with another totally manipulative and feeble-minded alcoholic, who the thought of now makes me feel sick. I think I became attached to this individual because I intuitively recognized a few of the destructive tendencies inside of him were similar to my own and what I’ve experienced in the past, he seemed like a nice guy at first, and he gave me attention which I had been unconsciously craving for a long time. He told me he was in recovery from his addiction but it slowly unfolded that his alcoholism was absolutely out of control. He was using my place as somewhere to get drunk, then sick, then drunk again, for days at a time… and almost dragging me down with him. Eventually his levels of manipulation became absolutely unreal. He would get drunk, call me incessantly, 30 times a day, 40 back to back drunken messages (I have a hectic work life and can’t respond to that kind of thing) then call saying he was overdosing because he couldn’t live without me… you get the picture. He tried to force me to marry him, tricked me into meeting his mother and led her to beleive I was going to marry him, partly to distract her from the fact he was getting drunk every day - yes it is as insane as it sounds. Eventually started sexually forcing himself onto me… I pulled away fast, a little while before my partner suddenly came back.
When my partner came back we slowly started to patch things up, this guy kept acting like a train-wreck and actively trying to sabotage my life - I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he’s now in rehab against his will.
My shock and discomfort at this mainly comes from the fact that I let such a pathetic, snivelling miscreant into my life… that I allowed myself to become manipulated to this level and that he actually managed to dig his claws into my mind, playing to my motherly side (I did support the guy as best I could - he was supposed to be going through treatment for his substance abuse). I am geniunely horrified that my own spiritual and psychic frequency was so utterly low at this point - and I didn’t even realize it. I thought I was doing the right thing for a while, but I was blinded by my own bullshit and ego.
These setbacks seem to remind me that I need to take stock of what my own moral code is and if I’m acting in line with it - if the answer is no, then I need to reasses wtf I’m doing with my life and step up to the challenge of growing and reaching for Gnosis.
Sorry this was a muddled and lengthy post, with a crazy annecdote thrown in - reflective of whats going on in my mind right now! Thanks to anyone who read it though, writing it like this has helped me reach the bottom of what’s been disturbing me and interferring with my magikal practice.
Hopefully I’ll gain insight soon, but if anyone has any input I’d appreciate it.
Any advice on how to get rid of this alcoholic maniac guys energy from my psyche would be hugely appreciated too…