That sounds very similar to what I experienced, what mine was like was that reality became like a daydream, so if you were to daydream for example about some sexy movie star kissing you, and in the daydream you decided to imagine them wearing a certain kind of clothing, and it just appears - like that. Hard to describe and retain any degree of credibility! And it didn’t last for long, and was mostly useless to me at that time anyway becausew of the detachment thing that was needed to get me there in the first place.
For very brief periods, and only in an erratic way (coz of the loss of desire inherent to that state) I could kind of form things and events by use of will, and after those experiences of going into Source, less dramatically, various things that I held strong emotions about happened more or less as I’d conceived them mentally - something that recurred recently with that event I’d been worried about, that crossed my mind just after having a merger-experience.
I do have a question about the Demonic holding an overriding love/passion for a certain thing(s). What would you see the Angelic as?
The core concept that I hit upon working with Ahriman was that there’s the Clockwork law-driven force, which is essential because if there was no “default setting” kind of thing, the entire manifest reality would fall into chaos and then become gloop - then on the other side there’s the Serpentine force of will and desire for something different that acts upon the Clockwork mechanism.
Angels are forces that work to preserve the Clockwork aka the Law that maintains the manifest reality in its purest form, not purest in a moralistic sense but by bringing it closer to the default perfected state, so for example Raphael might alleviate or remove consequences of an illness or dis-sease because the original creation was designed not to have it.
That’s my current UPG on angels and I have been practically interrogating Raphael recently, I’ll try to get time to type it all up and post some of the results.
I think working with the Angelic Force that corresponds to the Daemonic Force you wish to work with would help aid you in connecting to that part of the relive force of creation and could aid in your keeping the "Here and Now" self intact.
I was told off the back of that work in Feb & March to work with both angels and demons, so yes, that makes sense!
Neither the Clockwork nor Serpentine forces (to use my personal terminology/understanding) are “better” or stronger than the other, the Clockwork force left to run without any outside force coming in will devolve into stagnation, the Serpentine force left alone would rip everything apart into chaos and all underlying form and qualities would eventually be lost because there’d be no cohesion, so both are important, and they and their agents are not actually at war in the “Winner takes all sense” though obviously the desires of both forces (and their agents) can and do conflict at times.
Angels have an overriding love as well, but it’s along lines of Law, of honouring the creation’s Clockwork nature and helping to restore it at its highest form whenever possible, whereas demons are more about “I want what I want and nothing’s gonna stand in my way” so they don’t seem to have to obey those Laws in the same fashion, and can enact will upon the universe without worrying if it dmages, for example, someone’s free will or causes a disease (of the type Raphael would eradicate) and so on.
I’m typing this in a very certain-sounding way because a lot of it stems from personal experience which I believe to be valid explanations of how things work, but as ever it’s all UPG and I’m not trying to sell anyone on my ideas, because that’s craptastic. 