Pointless

I have seen the darkness inside mankind. When I was molested by male relatives as a child. When I was raped by a peer as an adult. When I brutalized by my peers and the school systems I was a part of. When school faculty declared I was mentally retarded as a child. When my blood relatives endlessly beat me. When I outed my rapist to alert others to keep them safe, and the complete rejection and isolation I suffered because it boiled down to how popular I was vs who raped me. When my parents made me homeless after spending every penny of a settlement I got from the school district in which I became catatonic from all the hell I suffered. My classmates would beat me, bully me, verbally terrorize me, and then laughed and asked if I, nicknamed Columbine, was gonna shoot the school up to get revenge. I only ever wanted to be left alone. I would have never have done such an atrocious thing, but the school faculty treated me like I was gonna. I suffer from PTSD now because of the life I’ve endured. I would be homeless if I hadn’t gotten on disability benefits that I paid into from when I was less damaged and able to work.

I fucking hate the society I grew up in. I feel like human interaction is worthless, and I feel like my spirituality, which is agnostic, has kept me going. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I feel like fucking around with magic would be detrimental to me. Any suggestions?

It can be detrimental if you go in with a clouded mind and one of self destruction. However, it can also uplift you if you go in with the purpose of that. Everyone hits a dry spell in their paths but those dry spells are also moments where we take in what we’ve learned and make possible changes when we start back up. I’ve been through the same as a kid myself, but it makes you or breaks you in some cases.

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I am truly sorry to hear what you have gone through.

I agree with @anon48079295 It will be detrimental to yourself if you make it that way, this community is tight-knit and willing to help.

Many people on this forum have many experiences with entities @Nagash, I feel like interactions with entities can be just as great as human interactions in many cases. I don’t have much experience in that field so I can’t give much advice on how to get there but you can search and see what is the best starting point for you.
I feel like that if you are a beginner as of now you should start with yourself, learn how to banish and work on chakras, I slept on chakra work in the beginning but it becomes more important as you go on IMO.

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First, I’m sorry to reading that, I can

I can totally understand you, because I went through similar things as you did (several rape attempts, physical and mental terror, loneliness and so much more) in my whole life from my birth, which consequence was that I feel like human relationships aren’t worth anything here on the material plane, to me. They are unreliable, and potential ‘betrayers’ of yours, who will use you and will lies to you.

Those times taught to me that I don’t need humans here, because I can do and get anything I want or need, without their silly lies, illusions and their very existenc, for I am the only one who can rule over herself and her life, her past, present, future.

You have to know that you don’t need anyone here, actually. You can not let yourself lost, because keep you in safe and alive it isn’t that thing what have to be important to anyone here - there isn’t any “rule” about you have to be important even your “family”. But you have to be important (most!) to yourself. Because this is all about YOU.

What @Winters said is right.I’m not build true relationships with humans.
I’m mostly manipulate them and using them for my cause, getting their trust and everything what can be useful to me, but that’s all. I’m also support them (those who have to help - even when I’ve never got help from anyone), without expectation - why? Because this isn’t a “big deal” to me, I’m enough strong to help others while I’m on my way to became more, better.
Building any kind of ‘connection’ in this world are very useful and easy way for your safe in your everyday life, but without emotions and “links”. The more ‘friends’ you have, the more problem you can solve way easily without extra energy, simply by using them, their help - to make your life easier.

And what about my True Friends, Lovers, Closest Connections etc?

They are all Deities and other Spirits. They are the only one who I can trust without any fear.
While lot of magickians try to live their life in the physical world with humans, I don’t need it, at all. I’ve spending my free time with Deities, building our relationship, connection, and our relationship is more pure and honest than any human-human relationship.

I chose Them, They’re chose me. Humanity can fuck off, they’re perfectly showed to me that they aren’t worth my trust and time, my true and deep love, embrace and emotions.

You are strong, @spookywitch
And you don’t need humans to get what you want, to became what you can: more, stronger and greater than them.

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Can I ask how old you are?

I’m 30 years battered and broken by society. Furthermore, I secluded myself from society and live rurally in an obscure mountain community.

Wow I want to be thoughtful of your feelings but real at the same time :slight_smile:

Humans have the right to decide who they are. If you surrender to what society wants you to be or tries to make you be, then thats what you will become. In your heart you know that you are not this person or you wouldn’t be here.

I think this will be difficult for you being agnostic. The part that concerns me is that you feel like fucking around. This is not a toy, and will not give you the control you crave so much, I assume thats why you are reaching out.

It’s something you will have to work hard at, baby steps for possibly a lifetime and I don’t sense that in you. Becoming a god, you need to strip away “The Victim”. Are you ready to do that?

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I’m very sorry to hear what you’ve suffered. I have had a fortunate life, so I have no right to tell you what to do or feel, but if I may, I do hope you will one day be able to open your heart to a someone and find people who can be your friends and support. They can be online too, like from this community. They might not necessarily have gone through the same thing or look at life the same way - most likely they won’t - but they can still connect to you. More than in deities and magick, that is what I believe in: that the mightiest god and magick lie in the possibilities of encounters and chances, and sometimes decisions on the spur of the moment.

Although far, far from what you’ve been through, I have also been very lonely and went through a period of depression. But I met unexpected people online, who ended up providing me with joy and relief for the past 8 years, and also at crucial times reached out to me. I can’t imagine what I would have become if they weren’t there.

When your mind and mood is so weighed down by pain and disappointment and all the scars, it’s hard for you to see hope and connections anywhere. But I really, really hope you can lift all that pain from your heart one day. Maybe spirituality will give you the calmness and transcendence to do so.

Ok. I’m not good with words nor am I apt in magick. But please know that you have my blessings, and I believe many people on this forum would also be willing to help you on your path.

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I do not want to control anything. I simply want to be left alone and commune with beings beyond this mortal plane.