Plagued by my own thoughts

[void]

I need to get some shit off my mind and hopefully get some advice from better at mind people. For many years now I’ve been plagued with depression and anxiety, some was caused by parasites which I have gotten rid of recently. Now, with the parasites gone I’m noticing the real reasons for all my issues. The funny thing is, is each issue feeds another, and the starting issues come back around to feed themselves. Tbh I’ve had a shit life ever since I was young. Saw, and still remember my dad overdosing in front of me at age 4, abused and neglected throughout childhood by my stepdad, bullied in school, abused, manipulated, and cheated on in every relationship I’ve ever had. People have killed themselves on me, mother abused in front of me as a kid, always betrayed or abandoned by friends. And way more. It’s all left me scarred, I never show emotions to anyone unless it’s a mask. It’s like I’m never able to be myself, show my true self, nor show love or trust to anyone. That’s a huge reason I got into the occult so much, at least the demons won’t hurt me. My biggest problem with the occult is that it takes will and intent. Things that are hard to come by for me, thanks to depression, that vicious animal. I’m so tired of it all, and alone. I can’t even manifest something most of the time unless it’s lust, that’s always been easy. But I can’t find the will to manifest or get good things I need and want. Love and trust is what I need, something I’ve never had since my dad died. I’m often put down by this society aswell, it’s become so ape and primal at times. I just wanna love, and trust for once and have it back. Fuck off with the excessive need for sex and fuck off with forcing me into that mindset. (Still a virgin at 21 and society shames me for that like wtf)

I got some of my thoughts out, and thanks to Bune, Lucifer and King Paimon, they’ve been alot of help but I still fall back into the same pit I was in. I’m like a lost child and I don’t know what to do. Yes I want to feel okay for once, but I don’t have a will for that. Shit makes me feel super guilty for even talking about my issues, I have no clue why. I’ve had alot of synchronicity lately, so who knows, maybe someone will tell me what I need to hear or something. Thanks!

[Lux_Tenebris]

I can only encourage you to keep working with the spirits you’ve mentioned, they all can help you with keeping your head up and not falling back into old patterns. I can say from my own experience that it takes time to overcome them, and the more pain you have endured the harder it is to shed the old skin. But you have to keep going, you’re accompanied by benevolent and powerful beings that are there to mirror your own power and show you what’s already within. You have all the power you need to free yourself of the past. And you’re right: fuck what society expects you to be. You have to follow your own soul’s path, the Hindus call it Dharma. Most people are incapable of thinking for themselves and regurgitate ideas that aren’t their own.

I posted this a while ago and will leave it here in case you haven’t seen it. King Paimon has told me a lot about dealing with depression and recurring negative thoughts, so maybe you’ll find something helpful here:

Advice from King Paimon

I’ve decided to collect some of the advice given to me by King Paimon (who I have a serious, long-term pact with). He has been immensely helpful to me, and very much approves of me sharing the things that might benefit other people. While not a Q & A per se, I tried to categorize the topics, although there can be overlaps. The [ ] brackets contain additional information in order to provide context where I felt it was needed. Self-improvement: Watch your posture. Stand straight and feel the str…

[Keteriya]

I’m afraid I don’t have any great advice for you, I’ve been depressed a few times, but nothing long lasting. My own will to get out of it and overcome it, is always so strong that it never lingers long. But every time I think, fck it- I’m not doing this again, let it consume me.

But, and I know you don’t have any issues with parasites and the like from what you said, but perhaps you might find a cheerful, cute little spirit, a refreshing change of pace? I created a servitor to help people with banishing and warding but. She’s lifts my mood when I summon her, I think because she banishes the negative energies from my own thoughts. Goodness knows, some days- I am my own worst enemy.

Just an idea though, and I promise I won’t be offended if you are not interested in checking her out. I know when I am depressed I don’t want to be around anyone or anything. I just wanna be sad. I actually only thought about it, because someone replied that looking at the sketch I posted of her, made them feel warm and fuzzy inside.

There’s a song though, I found that says it really well, it’s called Be happy. Basically she talks about sometimes, she doesn’t want to be happy. (thanks to my 14 year olds tik tok habits. ) I even like the remix as well as the original, but it adds in a lot that isn’t in the original version.

[Mulberry]

Maybe have a word with Laraye, for mental strength in facing your shadows - these things are what happened to you but do not define you. I relate to what you’re saying, but not to your attitude.

some was caused by parasites which I have gotten rid of recently.

I get this, kudos. There’s a chance here that the change in energy needs time to filter through all the layers of being. Give it some time before deciding if this had a big effect or not.

Now, with the parasites gone I’m noticing the real reasons for all my issues. …still remember my dad overdosing in front of me at age 4, abused and neglected throughout childhood by my stepdad, bullied in school, abused, manipulated,

This is not about you, and you have to stop accepting it as a reflection on you - it was ALL about them, not you, and not your fault.

and cheated on in every relationship I’ve ever had.

It stands to reason your people picker is off. Many people who have shitty childhoods pick people they are used to, that are just like thier family - I’d say, work on yourself first before going back to trying relationships, until you change yourself, you will not change who you attract and are attracted to.

People have killed themselves on me, mother abused in front of me as a kid, always betrayed or abandoned by friends.

Again, not about your, and stop picking people that are like your family, they are not your friends, they are broken. Your childhood trauma is defining your relationships, in a, better the devil you know kind of way.

And way more. It’s all left me scarred, I never show emotions to anyone unless it’s a mask.

Yes, you are reinforcing the (bad) lessons of your childhood by picking people that behave in ways you are familiar and comfortable with.

It’s like I’m never able to be myself, show my true self, nor show love or trust to anyone.

Me neither. I think this is sensible and trust is overrated, but I realise most people don’t think this way so I’ll let others speak to it.

That’s a huge reason I got into the occult so much, at least the demons won’t hurt me.

Ah, yeah you want to watch that. I agree as far as the higher entities go, but as you get into it, not everyone you meet is automatically a higher being just because it doesn’t have a body.
When push comes to shove, your upbringing gives you an advantage in being independent, and that’s huge. Don’t let your desire for connection spoil that. Always stay sovereign.

My biggest problem with the occult is that it takes will and intent. Things that are hard to come by for me, thanks to depression, that vicious animal. I’m so tired of it all, and alone.

You must be yourself. You must be alone. That is the whole point of being human. In being alone you can finally see what is purely you uninfluenced by your empathy with others. From there you want to hold on to what is you, while reconnecting. That’s hard. You may have had to go through the extreme rejection specifically to enable you to do that, so that you can be truly sovereign.

I can’t even manifest something most of the time unless it’s lust, that’s always been easy. But I can’t find the will to manifest or get good things I need and want.

Or is it that a lot of the other stuff is just stupid? It’s what other people tell you you need, not what you actually need?

Love and trust is what I need, something I’ve never had since my dad died.

Why? You’re strong and an individual. There will be all the integrated love and trust we miss when we move on, being human is your only opportunity to learn who you are at your core without influence, and you’re passing it up chasing after what is already yours.

So this is one of my unpopular opinions: Fuck other people, fuck loving and trusting them, you have plenty of time to do them in other incarnations, you don’t need that now, you need to be YOU, uniquely and solely you. Separated and sovereign with full free will uninfluenced by the myriad others. This could be your only chance to do that.

I’m often put down by this society aswell, it’s become so ape and primal at times. I just wanna love, and trust for once and have it back. Fuck off with the excessive need for sex and fuck off with forcing me into that mindset. (Still a virgin at 21 and society shames me for that like wtf)

I think you worry to much about others judgement of you, and reactions to you, and not enough about what you care about, and what’s important to you. Everything you describe about your trauma is about other people, not you.
Fuck them, be you.