Meh. I was going to just continue sleeping, despite the fact we started today, I had the thought there won’t be anything significant to share most days anyways and if you kicked me out of the book club I suggested, well sucks to be me… But I was hungry. So I got up to make cream of wheat, thinking I’m not taking care of myself all that well and I’d be back in bed in no time, with a full belly to sleep all night again on.
Then I started reading what you guys were talking about and… Meh. I would say I got invaded on by Elubatel, the first angel in the book, and where I was going to go tonight decided to enter the scene.
I learned long ago, that if I was getting conversation in words, to record it as it comes, or I’d forget half of what occurred. Luckily I always have my phone nearby and just had to add tags to it afterwards, so that you don’t have to figure that out.
I guess it’s almost like automatic writing in a sense too then, but my fingers don’t move as fast as the words get spoken.
Me: Maybe I should ask if the angels are willing to be bound to my toilet brush
I heard a chuckle, and that my wand would be better suited, as I would look rather funny standing in my living room waving a toilet brush around. I got an image of me doing that and it made me chuckle too but.
Me: But what is the point then, I swear it’s just to make it easier for you to connect to him and him to you.
E: It is.
Me: I swear he makes a bigger deal out of it than what is.
E: He does. But that’s because he’s making out what it is for him, not what it would be for you.
Me: Then I don’t see any reason for me to do such ridiculous things, If the point is to make it easier to connect or communicate or whatever it actually is.
E: Are they ridiculous just because they allow him to do what you already do naturally?
Me: Maybe not, but if I already do things why would I need a tool to facilitate, what I am already able to do?
E: Do you knit without needles?
Me: I don’t see how this pertains…
E: But you do. The tool makes the craft easier and you already know the comparison is true.
Me: I’ll think about it then.
E: You’ve already decided.
Me: That doesn’t mean I’m going to act on it tonight or that I won’t change my mind. The entire concept is bat shit crazy.
E: So is talking to spirits in your kitchen that you didn’t even summon.
Me: I want to argue that’s different…
E: But is it? Just because you don’t understand, doesn’t make the action any more or less crazy than what you experience on a daily basis.
Me: Eh, daily basis no…
E: Are you denying that you encounter spirits everywhere and anywhere and that simply choose to act as if you don’t?
Me: Wow. I was starting to think I liked your directness, that it was refreshing but, you just made me change my mind…
E: It won’t be like this every time.
Me: I expected that, but why is it this time?
E: Because sometimes, you need done for you what you do for everyone else- to be put back in your place and called out for your short sightedness.
Me: Ouch. I don’t see how this related to my choices of sigils and working with you…
E: But isn’t it? To understand his emotional needs, your going to need to stop putting yourself and your practices on a higher pedestal than you do his.
Me: I suppose, this means I don’t get bonus points, for trying to bridge the gap or recognizing it in the first place…
E: What use would have for those, other than to further elevate your opinion of yourself?
Me: I don’t really think getting my ass handed to me by a jackass spirit is fair compared to the other experiences I’ve already read about…
E: But isn’t it exactly what you signed up for?
Me: Maybe, but they seem to have been empowered and some cool shit…
E: Did you need or even ask for empowerment?
Me: Of course not, I don’t feel the need to be empowered, I’ve seen what I can do…
E: Then you know why, though most would consider your request and your inability to move a situation a lack of power.
Me: I… haven’t considered it that at all. At first I did, I thought I wasn’t strong enough or smart enough, maybe this was all in my mind and I was really crazy, then I realized… I just had no idea what would be effective, I had no idea which parts were movable and which weren’t or how to do what I needed to. When I called the nine, I didn’t doubt my ability, i doubted my ability to figure out what to do about things.
E: So you needed help.
Me: I guess you could say that, but if the situation doesn’t change, I’ll be right back in the doubter corner and chalk this all up as imagination.
E: Will you? Shouldn’t you instead wonder if you’d done something during all of this down, I’d maybe you could have changed the outcome?
Me: I don’t see where it makes any difference in the long run. I don’t feel like I’d have figured out which actions to take on my own.
E: So you needed help.
Me: Alright, I’ll bite since you’ve pointed it out twice. I needed help.
E: It’s not wrong to ask for help, even if you feel you created the situation or should have done something different.
Me: Okay but…
E: They need tools, that is what help is sometimes. The tools needed for the situation. Why do you not forgive yourself and let it go, aren’t you always reminding others, that people make mistakes and it’s okay, none of you are perfect?
Me: Yes, but I knew better and it’s not a matter of not forgiving. I just recognize I was wrong, I did some wrongs and I knew it when I was doing it.
E: Then you’ve not forgiven yourself.
Me: I don’t… I’m not holding on to it, or hating myself over it.
E: But aren’t you?
Me: Maybe somewhere deep inside or wherever the related emotions got pushed off to, but here at the forefront, in the moment- no.
E: You are a healer and yet you fail to heal your own past and traumas.
Me: … it’s not like I haven’t tried
E: Have you? Or do you hide from them and them from those who matter.
Me: I don’t like to talk about it, I don’t like making mistakes, I should have been better and smarter, should have endured or suffered through without seeking relief or should have found it elsewhere or…
E: So there is something to forgive yourself over.
Me: Maybe, but I don’t know how. I don’t hold it against myself, yeah I guess you win as you dredge you the emotions but. I don’t see what difference it makes.
E: Start with doing what you do for others. Acceptance that the past is in the past and can’t be undone, regardless of how wrong you were.
I wanted to ask him, who the fck signed me up for this bullshit, cuz I I swear it’s not fair, it’s fcking bullshit, but then I remembered of course. I did it. I did the ritual with the nine, I wanted this monkey off my back and I guess, that means, facing the parts of me that I try so very hard to pretend never happened and don’t exist. I like to think I’ve come far and done well and grown and healed and he’s right. There are still parts I don’t want any part of talking about, even though I am now able to share so much more, than I was a mere two years ago.
I didn’t really want to share this, at all. I prefer to keep the real batshit crazy between me, myself and I but seems like I started this so I should probably see it through.
Tl:dr- This spirit shit is bullshit.