I guess we all know I like the ramble trains. They help me figure things about me out, help me grow, help me learn, help me in my study of the human mind and what makes people do the stupid shit they do.
But sometimes, I really can’t comprehend it at all.
Kinda like the above statement, from a dude I don’t even know, on the god damned internet. You would be wrong if you think the world is not so cruel I haven’t heard it more times than I count, that people have attempted to hit me there in a jab aimed at hurting me, or that those close to me haven’t used it because they thought it would cut me deep, since I allowed them to get close to me.
I took the statement like I always do, I just kept on rolling without a flinch. But I soon found I was pretty pissy and it wasn’t because he’d managed to land a hit where it hurts, it doesn’t and I’ll try to explain why it doesn’t hurt in a minute.
I was pissy because I don’t understand people like that, I don’t understand people who intentionally try to cut those who haven’t actually done anything to them. I don’t understand why people who hurt those are down and out instead of helping them. I don’t understand using someone’s physical aspects, which most of us can’t or can’t afford to change against them.
I can insult for fun and inflicting pain with the best, but I guess I have a different standard for myself with it. So I was pissy because I couldn’t figure out that kind of person, and because I just kept on rolling without flinching. Shouldn’t this thing, that I’ve heard for 35 mother fcking years, bother me? Why isn’t it a compounded issue? I certainly have issues at times under rating parts of my body and my looks, but it doesn’t hurt me to hear it from someone.
I don’t need to look into the mirror to know this guy, sees me as I see myself. The rest of the world I don’t know if they pretend or if I have had a glamour on me since I was like six years old because I encounter people who either see me like I see me when I look in the mirror, or I encounter people like Anziel, who don’t even seem to see the same woman I do.
Maybe they see me and see the rest of me. I don’t know. but to get back on the right train, I was pissy more because the statement didn’t effect me, than because it did. It caused me to think about life and the first time I encountered someone like this person.
My first memory of it was in the 2nd grade, a chubby kid was making fun of me because I couldn’t chew with my mouth closed. I remember… not reacting. Not feeling anything. I remember trying to figure out what was so damned funny about it and coming up with spades. I remember knowing that it was supposed to hurt me, and wondering why. What had I done? What reason did they have to hurt someone they didn’t even know?
I did somehow let someone hurt me those types of things that same year. I’m not sure if it was different or what but I was made of a lot as a child, a teenager, and in particular this first real year of school. This set the pace for the rest of my school years, I quickly learned to stay away from others, I wanted friends too, but not at the cost of being made fun. I was always the girl who only had maybe one friend, I didn’t even have that every year, and if they missed school- I ate lunch alone.
I put myself into such tight shell that it was ridiculous, but what was even more ridiculous, was I still was made fun of. Between my teeth, my schizophrenic mother, my daddy’s Corvette, being the teachers pet… Yeah. I’ve done a bit of it all honestly and I’m still only talking about the first few years of school here.
It gets way worse. It’s not for today however.
The point is, by the time I was in the 3rd grade, I’d developed such a hard outer shell that, no one knew I was suffering inside. I’d learned not to flinch, even when it hurt. I wanted to be me, and was too damned hurt to do it so. I learned to not let anyone know what was going on inside. My teachers never knew, my parents never knew, and I’d go home and as much as damned normal life as you could have for as fckd up as my life was.
Adulthood, and letting some of me and my personality out has changed many things. I’ve noticed not everyone can even see my flaws, let alone use them against me. Hard work and good work ethics has meant how I looked never really mattered and I’m god damned hilarious in addition to all those years shelled up alone and studying humans… means I’m usually a pretty good emotional healer. I’ve watched people for years, I’ve picked up on tendencies we have as humans and I’ve learned how to connect the dots between that and my ability to natural feel someone out.
I love surprising people with things I shouldn’t know, or things they said to someone else they thought were private- all because I’ve spent way more time listening in life than joining the crowd. I don’t really have a point in all of this, except that it made me pissy last night that someone can be so hurt and so made fun of and so emotionally abused in life…
That they don’t even flinch.