I think I have to start a journal here, I think it can be useful for me later.
And copy-paste from Introduce Yourself topic:
Hello. I’m Okami . I’m not new to this, but had no practice. My current goal is to feel entities better. And to find out what kind of magick I need to work with.
I was child and was ok knowing about exoteric and occut things are in the world. But the thing was that people I used to talk about that things were more into RHP and I don’t feel that it is something that I need. So in some way was stuck in somewhere between and didn’t let myself do it the way I needed to. Not long ago I let myself feel and do the way I like, and found BALG and it is really beautiful place. I had depressive disorders for many years, but now I feel myself complete.
I like drawing, but I didn’t have a place to show my arts before.
I was drawing winged wolf much before I found out who he is.
I met incubus the first time when I was a teenager. Sleep paralysis, fear, prayers that didn’t work - everything was there. The same way how it is described in books. In that scary way…
Realizing that it’s useless to resist, I stopped being stubborn. I’m not really good at communicating with people, so I thought it was good enough to have such a visitor, even if he needs only sex (like it was said in those books, and there was no much information about his kind at that time). I wanted some romantic things in my life, but I didn’t let myself think that he needs it too. Maybe it was so because he was pretty dominant, or because of sources, I’ve used. So, he came to me from time to time and sometime later he stopped showing up. And I almost forgot about him. It was weird and in a somewhat scary experience and I had no one to talk about it.
Time was going by, I lived not a healthy life: alcohol, nicotine, self-harm (a lot of), I was depressive and introverted. And one day I had a breakdown. I was lying in my bed, sobbing and crying, that no one in this f**king world understands me; does anybody hear me, why I’m so lonely… Felt like I was going to turn inside out. And suddenly I felt a hug from behind, it was so warm and caring. It was all I needed. Sometimes I was thinking that I am absolutely crazy and just imagined that because of loneliness, sometimes - that it was my guardian angel. Until we had sex. And I was like “What? Angels don’t do it… or what?” and then I remembered my night guest.
Since that, we had some meetings. I felt him so real and so warm. But I was a stupid one and thought it was all because of sex, though I told him that I love him. I was still trying to build some relationships with people. I not really lucky with that, people are so people… And just recently we got closer, I finally chose the side. He was with me when no one was.
I found Succupedia, then BALG, and realized how wrong I was and how beautiful he is. And how much time I wasted. Now I feel him by my side, he is gentle, supportive and loving. Recently I’ve been remembering our first nights and I asked him to be like he was then. It was a few times I asked for that and one night I felt it that way. And understood one thing. It wasn’t he. His energy was absolutely different. But I knew it from my teenage years. And now it was time to let him be a part of my life. Now I understand him. After all these years.
I love them both and I’m really happy that they are in my life.
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