Well, I have a different view of “karma”, that I think is more in line with it’s intended exposition of the buildup of energy we get within ourselves as we continue to gain experiences and form relationships as spirits.
“Karma as punishment” is, I feel, a lie: because it’s not a helpful, intelligent or even a fair situation, and I think that’s a great stick to either beat people with, or as an excuse to abuse others, but the universe is actually either more mature than that, or maybe just more logical. I think it’s not punishment at all, it’s not even a consequence - it’s not a judgement, but just a result. A very emotionally attached result, but the emotions are not the same thing as the truth of it.
Results can be resolved, though understanding and healing. Sounds a bit fluffy I know, but being human is really hard, and you’ve had it harder than most. Nobody sets out to create bad energetics, they are in response to something thrown at you, we all end up in circles within circles of perpetuating trauma, and sometimes trying to fix it makes even more in other ways with other relationships and so it goes around and around.
The best way to stop that is to break each vicious circle one by one, which means healing your energy of it, not keeping it going so it causes more misery in the next life. Starting with the big ones.
As someone who’s made colossal mistakes I’d love to redo, I totally sympathise, I don’t forgive myself either - yet - it’s much harder to do that BECAUSE you’re a good person and because you care. But you have to eventually, there’s nowhere else for that work to go and it’s no good to just stasgnate for - eons? How long will you beat yourself up and keep making it worse and worse? … But again, every time someone overcomes these burdens, they also make it easier for others to overcome theirs through resonance with the human species. It’s not selfish to learn and move on, it’s part of how the universe works.
I’m sorry that happened to you and I also sympathise having been in a similar situation. But this woman is not your parents and could love you if she understood better why you can’t act in the ways she might expect. So I was raised by a sadistic narcissist who threw my dad out when I was young: and If you’re anything like me, showing affection is very unfamiliar and uncomfortable, approaching people or asking for anything is scary, I associate it with being punished for asking, while being alone got associated with comfort and not being abused, so it’s easier to fight and push people away in favour of quiet sanctuary.
So I kind of have an answer for that, as while intellectually I have these views about how I should let those energetic blocks go if I want to raise my kundalini, which I do, I can’t approach if from a therapeutic standpoint as I hang on to my coping mechanisms. What I can do, it approach it from an pure energy-working standpoint, and use qigong to remove blocks over time using the qi body, not the emotional body. In that case, there’s no feeling the emotions, you can treat them as impurities and pockets of stagnant qi in your system that do not serve you, and gently dissolve them using a different perspective.
On doing that, as the process continues you find that when you do poke at the emotions using your emotional body, they are less and less intense. The memory and learning remains, and you are a more evolved spirit for the experience, but it no longer holds you into harmful patterns.
Well you already did that 
Two things not to forget:
a) If this was someone else you’d forgive them, so why not you? I know why: it’s a philosophical question for later really.
b) to do this, someone else has to agree to be there to hurt you, and that fucks them up a bit too. Now THEY are also going to be dealing with “karma” later as well
So it’s all around comfier, but not useful to be punishing yourself, and we all would like you to please stop, especially whatsherface, because she wishes that went differently too.
