The more you fixate on that, and worry and stress and make everything about pass/fail, MUST, should, etc., the more elusive it will become. That is the shared experience of MANY magicians, I am not just flapping my gums, seach up “lust for results” on here or in general.
You need to come at things obliquely, like you don’t just go up to a girl you like (when unattached) and say “Can I ejaculate in your hole?” - you have to kinda court it a little, not be too grabby and eager.
My theory is that magick is about manipulating probabilities with the mind, and that if your mind has NEEDINESS, that implies failure, because you NEED what you do not HAVE (you cannot feel that same need about what you DO have), so that opens a binary outcome in your mind, “pass” OR “fail,” and because “fail” is very often the most probable outcome (which is why you’re doing the magick, to change that), it will take that route.
There are a million everyday things where you learn HOW something works without first needing to understand every aspect of the WHY, I can almost guarantee you cannot draw detailed diagrams of every element in the device you use to access this forum, any more than I can code for this software - just let that stuff go, and focus on what works - what others who CAN and DO get results are telling you has worked for them. 
Once you start seeing results, and have experienced the feeling of magick working in your favour, then you can start exploring theory, for now my strong advice is to stay with the user-interface, and the rules for that.
You don’t try to pry the screen off your phone if a page won’t load to try and dig the page out, because you know perfectly well that this is against the principles by which a phone displays content, even though you may not know how they work in fine detail.
Same thing here - going harder and harder into need for one glorious outcome is more likely to just keep fucking you up, because (somehow, not important to you right now) it is against the rules by which magick usually seems to work.
That tutorial I linked you is the best method I have seen on here for sidestepping this and then slowly moving in on what you want the most, and the boost you will get when results do begin to come will also heal you from the pain and frustration you are currently experiencing, which will help with that desperate needy feeling even more, and this is why I have recommended it so highly.