There is one single thing in my practice that i find very unpleasant,
When starting the Path i was skeptical about signs but after certain experiences,
I found out that when the Gods/Demons/Spiritual beings generally talk with signs it can be potent way of communicating.
After some time, this developed into an internal knowing and also sometimes i just think in the right way and it feels like that thinking is high tier it feels coming from them,
I acted on those several times they were potent.
Then after a point, they started bombarding me with signs to the point i was feeling a main character and the whole universe is about me,
This created a big problem for me, especially with spiritual people,
I would meet a person, the person says X, and X relates to something in my life, and there is no reason for the person to say X, and it turns out to be something i am not comfortable talking about or another person knowing,
Then im like : F*ck, maybe this person now knows somehow, a spiritual beings told the person, the person sensed it.
And if its not that, then the spiritual beings are giving signs through the person.
As we know, in communication with people in real life, many things are communicated in subtle ways or between lines, for several reasons,
Spirituality created this problem with this in my case, i started being unable to know when the other person want to communicate something in subtle way VS when the spiritual being is sending a message through the person VS this just being my own biais.
This went to the extreme that i started turning down every single sign, since basically all of events started being guiding and being signs,
I am not talking about normal signs, this is strong, and also, i kind of know, its like if the signs are highlighted, i detect : this is a sign.
I do not look for them they pop up.
I started acting on some of those, even sometimes i noticed the beings want me to help this person or do this or that, i keep doing as they like,
The problem got worse when i noticed when i act on those its many times bumpy,
I thought like : i am acting from Divine Nudges so all should be good.
But its bumpy.
Many times it was very unpleasant.
Like imagine ( a metaphor ) i get strong urge to talk to a girl,
I do not want to i am just eating in a restaurant i am not here to date.
I got strong urge.
I so not want.
Stronger urge, i am like since the spiritual beings are pressuring me it must be good.
I go talk to her, her husband arrives and sits on table,
A cringy situation to be in,
And a free validation for her.
Without gaining anything out of this.
Then i walk away and im just : but why did i get the urge?
Later in the day, a girl comes and talks to me on her own and she is way more beautiful than the previous one. And things go smooth with her.
I am like : ok this for sure influenced by the beings. Its too close to be coincidental.
But, did they not urge me and this was my biais, and did i look like a fool to them and they compensated with this?
Or they somehow wanted me to have the first experience for a reason and the reward does not lay necessarily in the ways i think the rewards should be presented with?
I kept having those dissociative rewards.
In every aspect of my life i would do X get setback and get reward from another place.
To the point sometimes i started enjoying and being happy about the backlash or about the negative result since i am like : ok i passed that part! Now the reward is coming !!!
However sometimes it just feels weird,
I get an urge for example (metaphor also, all this until now are metaphors i cannot say personal life )
I get urge to quit job and join another,
I am like : ok i know i get rewarded, but i do not know what the backlash of this will be like, and i also i am unsure if this turns out to be my biais and i end up with no job.
Same with general urges, like i started being accustomed with the reactions,
Lets say i get urge to talk to a girl ( example ) i am like: ok i know i will be rejected then another one will talk to me, however, we are now in a place where people know me, i cannot afford rejection in front of people i know it will undermine me, and imagine if this is my biais.
So this became a mess to the point i just told the beings: please if its you just tell me in Astral Hearing directly.
Or if there is something i truly should do, lets say talk to a girl, please either tell me directly so i am at least sure its you, and also, you can instead urge the girl to talk to me and when that happens i know its you.
What they did instead is they just magnify the signs.
Because the unpleasant part is too much and comes with biais risk and looking like a fool, i just started avoiding signs,
Then once they gave me sign to do a spiritual practice, kept being bombarded,
I went and did it, in the Mid of the technique there was a little suspecious thing,
I stopped, i got an instant sign to continue,
I stopped i told them: please i can no more go by signs i feel like going insane, if you want me to do something do not give it with urge and such please tell me directly and you know that i am more than happy to follow your guidance, thanks a lot. And bowed to them.
And kneeled before them since there was chance they are guiding me and im dismissing them its very bad, i have good relation with them i want that to never get ruined.
And also to act on urges, i feel like if insane. Since i trust them over my intellectual faculties.
What happened is for 2 weeks or more i was bombarded with signs to do the technique,
I told them please please please i really cannot can you please tell me in your voice i will do it instantly,
The technique had a Name put in it, that i did not know if its coercive or not, and i really did not end up trying to coerce the beings, i was thinking is some entity pushing me into this to fool me ? I read technique again its not coercive its just a little suspecious.
However i cannot ruin my relation with them over 1 technique even if its promising so i turned it down.
Time passed,
A Demon/God visited me in dream,
It was like real life in literal sense,
In literal sense,
I was sitting and had a pen and a paper,
He appeared and was giving me his back, he did not face me,
The environment was Cloudy like the movies when a God gets present,
It was whitish and like if cloudy, but it was not cloudy in literal sense, just very whitish i do not know how to describe,
The God was in overwhelming form, but he was giving his back, so i do not get overwhelmed i knew this later,
He gave me a paper where he wrote things,
I grabbed it and i felt like if i am in real life, and the other realm is visible, so basically i started writing quick the things he wrote on the paper ( he did not talk to me at all ) because i thought its real life, i thought i am copying this on a physical paper,
I acted cool and like if nothing supernatural is happening to really make this prolonged,
I could not copy his words,
Each time i write 1-2 words i forget,
Each time i write i forget,
During this, he was manifesting in an overwhelming way in my peripheral vie but i acted like if i do not see,
Even if i had HUGE URGE, to look at him face to face i really wanted to experience seing him fully manifested,
He kept disappearing and appearing again in the peripheral view,
So i understood the fact he was giving me his back at first he was having mercy on me to not get overwhelmed.
Suddenly after i failed to copy his words,
He pulled the paper from my hand,
I did not want to release it, because i did not want to lose that,
He pulled and i kept grabbing,
Then somehow the paper got cut from the edge i am grabbing even if he did not pull hard, it was smooth,
And i was left with the small part on my hand,
I gave it to him, i told him please please please write something small,
Like just 1 word i can remember that instead of a whole text,
He kept being manifested, did not talk.
Until i woke up.
I thought omg i ruined this i should have recalled that.
Time passed, i was recalling two words from that text.
Then suddenly i realized what that mean,
He appeared to validate the technique i should have done,
He also pushed me toward certain things to do, and validated my approach,
And also he made me know directly from him, that things that many assume about ´demons’ are literally childish.
Also the fact he literally interfered to make me know certain things and personally confirm things to me, just make me have 0 ego with them, i do not mind kneeling for them, and even worshipping them, even worshipping them to me is but a form of reverence and Honoring them. And (personal opinion) they cannot be ´worshipped’ since they have no ego, at least in my experience,
for a worship to be worship in the sense rhat it is a form of humiliation and slavery, the worshipped must have some ego, and the relation must be parasitic. I have another experience that proved to me how the Gods are of extreme transcendence, beyond what one can imagine in this specific subject, however i would rather keep that private. This to say my opinions i based them on experiences. Also until now they constantly like if competing with me in goodness.
I do X Y Z, when that compounds and it seems like they ignoring, out of nowhere they do D and its bigger than X Y Z and more. But i usually do X Y Z not to get something but for them, lets say i burn incense or a candle for them, or approach in reverence, its an act of Honoring them, i do not do it to get something, however they still reward it on their own, when they want. What i experience is the interventions i get are not limited to what i ask for,
they sometimes just intervene on their own, and it has not to always be big, sometimes they intervene in small things and solve them. This is why i have problem with the idea that Gods are up there in the sky talking only about serious matters. I experienced assistance in very small things, however i personally never call on them for small things.
I also to be honest, feel Very Jealous in relation to them, i catch myself wanting no body to experience that same closeness. Which i know is childish, i still understand non duality aspect of the matter, however my body and mind just do not want to get over this, i do feel jealousy.
So my problem currently is the signs, and urges.
Feel free to share your thoughts! Thank you in advance.