Pt.1 - A ranting return?
It has been nearly three years since my last reply. I have been through an ebb and flow when it comes to understanding my spiritual experiences but have come across so many blocks not of my own doing. It’s like one of those video games with the invisible walls that force you to go through certain pathways.
As of this year, I have had a crisis in faith, leading me to think of magick more so as a psychological device than evoking/invoking real change with/through real spirits and divinity. Yet at the same time I can’t deny the synchronicities that have happened. I feel trapped, confined, and the progress I experienced months ago feels thrown into oblivion.
I have found myself torn between being the audacious, motivated, and intentional person that I once was and the lazy, inept, escapist I had become. I want to do more, be more, and the sort, but it never fails that other things get in the way, and not just anything but obligations. It feels as if stagnation and laziness is all that I can hope for but it has to be a lie, right?
The darkness and the light feel liminal. So what this means is that this is like a dark night of the soul again but I have to make the changes to overcome my inhibitions and inordinate behavior. “God helps those who help themselves” kind of thing, to build up. essentially in silence and hiding, to carry the cross and wander the frontier of the spirit. I hate being caught up in digital addictions, in unnecessary trifles, doing nothing that will advance my being towards mystical union.
After much spiritual reflection, I have an idea of the spirit that might be oppressing me for better or worse. I know some are driven by greed, lust, jealousy, and the sort…but sloth? Goodness, it’s such a counter to the entire mythos of the left handed and right handed paths. For whatever reason I also have a deep connection to the Saturnian mythos, mostly during my occult renewal happening in my Saturn return in 2017/2018. “You reap what you sow” is quite the mantra yet doesn’t mean anything if you do nothing. So I must break free to actually do something.
I feel the best way is to go the neurological routes of Antero Alli and Robert Anton Wilson (Prometheus Rising especially). It is true how we are often our own worst enemies, our brains the ultimate conservative that does not want real change but to contain their vessel into some kind of neurological equilibrium that doesn’t go too far beyond its comfort zone. Sure you can abstain, do a “dopamine detox,” nofap, and etc, but the brain will do its darndest to revert back into its hardwired state and it doesn’t help when you become so sensitized (it’s like tinnitus but with stimuli). As soon as the brain feels helpless, that in turn makes you feel helpless. Unless you have other ways to divert your focus and start new dopamine circuits, one will inevitably fall back into “sin.”
I hate that it’s so hard but then again it makes the struggle worthwhile, at least it should. Recently I feel a great fear to actually do something to be honest. I fear success, I fear attention. I also read not too long ago that speaking about your goals to someone releases the same endorphins as if you actually achieved them…which makes procrastination soooo damn scary. It’s a death spiral that occasionally resets itself. In time even the rock of Sisyphus will erode away.
The irony to all of this is that I know the spiritual realm is real, God is real, the angels and so on are real. It’s not all just in my head, no matter how much the materialistic worldview tries to indoctrinate. We’re not just living in some kind of shared hallucination. Actions evoke changes, our intentions reverberate throughout the cosmos and in time the sensitive circumstances become robust pathways of destiny.
I have to break free of this idleness and inactivity. I have to. Another irony is that I know what I must do- to follow what Sri Aurobindo calls the “triple transformation,” of mind, spirit, then body, to seek the Omega point in body and soul as Teilhard de Chardin wrote, to obliterate the vestiges of negative behaviors through proper dieting, good sleep habits, and the suffering one must endure in the quest of self-perfection. Rather than pursuing such, I find myself bound by trifles and responsibilities that I should have never placed upon myself. So in time, may I be rid of those things like a controlled burn, to re-light the beacon of desire, and aspire to the ages and the ages.
Pt. 2- Things I have found and hopefully may benefit others
I have begun diving into a lot of my older materials from years long past, even in high school. One of my favorite sources was Sri Aurobindo, who helped shape my understanding of spiritual evolution even to now. His tome, “The Life Divine,” is perhaps the greatest textbook towards spiritual enlightenment ever written from the Eastern perspective.
In years past I had a somewhat spiritual awakening through a wolf-meditation and was interested in the mythos of Fenris and other archetypes, which led to a deep dive into Thursatru in books like Myrkthursablot and Ginnrúnbók (both from Fall of Man publishing). Interestingly enough I recently acquired the Satvrnvs Lvcifer Codex (by David Mllr from Aeon Sophia Press), which has so many alignments with me on a personal note because in it one finds a Wolf of Lucifer ritual. Not to mention the depth the artwork of the actual text. And again, there’s Saturn. Nevertheless, it is a text of conviction, motivation, drive, aspiration. You can find it here
I’ve also managed to get other books and found other websites as well as revisiting older sources like the Trialogues of McKenna, Abraham, and Sheldrake; the dialogues of David Bohm and Jiddu Krishnamurti; the recent talks of Shunyamurti, and others.
Perhaps this is all just a giant irony because even though I go looking beyond myself to find knowledge, it’s only a matter of time until I find it again in my personal path, my center, which is Catholicism. There is actually a pathway for deification, there is a beautiful prayer of St. Patrick that is an invocation against all things that are in your way and God’s, and the tripartite spiritual stages of Purgation, Illumination, and Union. Everyone wants to be illumined and enter union but hardly anyone really wants to take up their cross and purge themselves of their negative aspects. No one in their right mind would champion the life of a hedonist mastered by his/her own passions, to become playthings of devils. The virtuous person seeks to always be in control and does whatever he/she wishes on their own terms. Dealers wisely say, “you don’t get high off of your own supply.” For us magicians, don’t let others do what you need to do yourself. One can have all the support in the world, but if you don’t believe in yourself, don’t expect anyone to believe in you.