My Journey in the Clasped Hand Path- Towards Self-Renewal

Hi All,

This will serve as a little escape to divulge books and influences I’ve encountered throughout my life and in time for another big bang. I like to call my awakenings big bangs given how much of a paradigm shift occur. I’ve always been interested in all things spiritual since I was a little kid. When I was 11, I had my first big bang. Fast forward to 14, I encountered two of my most lasting influences- Sri Aurobindo Ghose and Xavier Zubiri, people of vastly different backgrounds but basically said the same things- Humanity is an ever-becoming expression of God, and we are all evolving towards a tipping point, which Aurobindo calls Supramentalization, the point where humanity essentially is divinized by the triple transformation- of mind, then spirit, and finally body.

Fast forward to 2012, I entered into the occult through the Tarot and Aleister Crowley’s Thoth to boot. The deck is my favorite although I have come to own others. From there I developed an interest in Enochian, Angelic, and Thelemic workings. I also branched off into the Runes, pendulums, Rosicrucianism, Martinism MesoAmerican spirituality, and Kabbalistic traditions. My mind is like Hegel’s, always trying to synthesize everything and from my experiences, I feel like I’m getting close but was missing something. I was missing actual practice.

Since 2012, I’ve only done a few workings and lo and behold, they have worked out. But it scares me, I have .a psychological block of exercising my will to change my destiny. I have felt more like a witness, a recorder, to see how everything else evolves while denying myself unless brought in. Couple this with a few unfortunate events, I became a broken person.

Now in my Saturn Return, I have developed a new found appreciation for the things that I despised. Self-abnegating philosophies have their place but only when you are in a position to help others unconditionally for their fulfillment. I had thought I reached the top of the Maslow’s 8 step hierarchy (Transcendence, where you help others to gain self-actualization). Rather, I stagnated and regressed, becoming a shell of my former self. Not wanting to impose on others, not wanting to disrupt the pre-established harmony until I had to interact with the world, I had reduced what I could be to just taking space.

Come this year, I am in a moment of renewal, having found new found inspiration through the LHP. As I read the books I’ve recently bought from Daemonic Dreams and Miskatonic, I feel a new surge in self-worth and don’t think twice on disrupting the world. It’s my life and I must live it my way. I’ll share more in the coming days about what I mean about the Clasped Hand Path. It is an idea I got from a few books and my personal approach to magick.


Great post, thanks for sharing

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This was moving and interesting, thanks. Big Bangs… I suppose I’ve had three of those, I reckon I’ve just gone through one now.

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What’s LHP if you don’t mind my asking

At the moment I don’t have a lot of space to do workings or having an altar. I have the impression that they can only “work” if spoken out loud with pomp, like good ole ceremonial magick. My style is typically with invocations and working with angels using a tarot deck called “Stairs of Gold” that has sigils for the various angels. The workings I mentioned above that worked used those cards. The rituals are pretty simple and is written in my book of shadows. A ritual that I made for myself to break out of one of my shells that I performed earlier this year was a combination of Rosicrucian and Martinist re-initiations and exerting my will. While burning incense and using a wand that was custom ordered (black walnut wood with green inlays like Sirius black’s wand lol). I would like to share a powerful mantra that I devised. It also broke a discovered curse upon my soul:
Tapping the wand on my chakra centers, from the crown to the base, I thrust the wand up to match my heart at the base, and 3rd eye on the tip and say, with spontaneous visions:

By my thoughts and focused mind
Be gone I say, oh repressive kind
From this night my soul flies free
Unfettered light pierces, I Am Me

From then it felt like an atom bomb bursted, a darkness escaped and I was liberated. My depression and despair was gone. Looking with my third eye, the darkness was circling around me and I invoked my guardian angel and one of my devotions and it was cast away. The second working I need to accomplish is to gain confidence, to break another block/curse I’ve discovered that has made me passive to the point of being a submissive automaton around others. A quote from a book I intend to own woke me up about that:

“The undulations of Light and Shadow, Good and Evil, Day and Night, are the dualistic representations of Truth perceived by our individuality. In other words, good and evil are simply matters of perspective; what is poison for one may prove profitable for another. However, in terms of Will it is that formula of The Magician in opposition to that of The Mystic… One cannot only exist as a magician or a mystic, anymore than one can be completely dominant or submissive in their dealings with others”. Nikolai Saunders

Although I don’t have my altar or space in my home at the moment, I at least have my mind. I don’t know how effective Mental Alchemy is, performing a working within my mind with all of the parts presented in ideal perfection and carried out in the silence of ones thoughts. One thing is for certain, it is time to recover myself. I need to break free of the illusion, to enter “real life” as Jodorowsky’s Alchemist says at the end of The Holy Mountain.

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Acronym for Left Hand Path.

Music and Evocation

Something that has been second nature for me is the gift of music. I do compose time to time but I’m a free spirit and enjoy the moment of creation. What I would like to share today is my path working using music. Here are a few things I personally subscribe to:

  1. The sonic supersedes the visual: Some of my strongest experiences that I can recount from my youth are with music and tones. It is a medium that connects me and, more than likely, many others to the source of this universe. Many have ways of understanding this source, from Pythagoras thinking in terms of mathematics the harmony of the spheres to the Eternal Word as expressed in Judaeo-Christian scripture onto the mystical word of the Sikhs, the Naad, the cosmic primal sound. Although in terms of concentration, sigils are the best way to link up to spirits and entities, I believe music, if there was an analogy with a form of sonic sigils, would issue a more experienced and meaningful link.
  2. The Source goes by many name but is within us all waiting for our specific evocation of it in through our lives: It is in my opinion, having read many authors and experienced several mystical states of consciousness that our duty in life is to actualize the divine spark we all have. The universe and all souls therein can be seen as fragments of the divine. Following the work of Sri Aurobindo, Jean Gebser, and Franklin Merrell-Wolff, as we develop via spiritual evolution, we ourselves contain a potentiality waiting to be expressed. Sometimes it is meek and meager for the contribution of awakening consciousness throughout the cosmos and other times it could be a paradigm shift for all to experience. However, the one thing that is certain is that your enlightenment is of the upmost importance and if you want to call it gnosis, attainment, actualization, and so on, then by all means accept it and make it your own. We all have something to do in this plane but most importantly, do not seek a meaning of life outside of yourself. Rather, make your life meaningful. How we evoke the source is how we become our true selves. For me it is through music. I’ve expressed myself through art, poetry, cinema, and drama, but I find music is the medium best suited for me.
  3. Music, as the unspoken word, communicates the undefiled knowledge: If anyone is familiar with the two last words, it’s because they are expressed frequently in the Enochian corpus of John Dee. Language itself is a fluid structure seeking to be enframed by rules and linguistic devices to ensure intelligibility. If one thing that is constant in this world is change. And if someone happens to have some background in Deconstruction and other Postmodern systems of linguistics, then you know the limitations of language. Music provides a shortcut apart from verbal rites. Now depending on one’s taste and if one is passive in listening to music or active in composing and performing it, such music begets the creative genius to the extent and talent of the individual. We’re not all called to be Bachs or Liszts. Xenakises, or Allan Holdsworths. However you are called to be yourself. You may have influences but at the end of the day you are you.

Let me clarify that to my way of thinking there is/are no gnostic demiurge(s) except for the ones we project into being. There are no illusions except for the ones we cast upon reality and many times we are caught up in the illusions of others.

These are some of my personal thoughts. I do think that when you learn a song or composition, you share the moment of the composer, you enter a gnosis of experience. This happens to me many times and even though you play their works, they also become a part of yourself. You take what is given and make it your own. By doing so, we are co-creators of this universe, you make and manifest your will, with and/or without the help of others. Whether you embrace the simplicity of Philip Glass, the dissonance of Stockhausen, the emotional beauty of Funkadelic’s Maggot Brain, onto the wizardry of Dream Theater, the works of others are our building blocks. May they connect you with the Naad for eternity. I also believe that all senses need to be used, even though music is my primary medium, I do agree that all forms of expression should be used, and together when possible. I’ll put a post with some music that I enjoy to use, especially when evoking dreamscapes from the soundscapes.

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To provide some sonic tapestry, here are some things I’ve used in meditation:

This one I’ve used with ecstatic vision work. The original is with french horn but I enjoy the use of voice here. Starts at 1:37.

The next few are soundscapes that are great backdrops depending what’s needed.

It has been two weeks since i’ve posted. Since then I’ve made some progress, unleashing some aspects of myself without any kind of regard for resistance worrying about stepping on other people’s toes, and the sort. I also started a new investigation into African systems, primarily Voodoo and Ifa. I will relate more below in some segments.

On the Clasped Hand Path and finding one’s Center
I identify pretty much as a Cyprianic mage (save the blood sacrifices). This is mostly through my heritage and upbringing. I have also found out through my ancestry that many of my personal leanings (Norse, Native American, Druidry, Curanderismo, Kabbalah) had some DNA backing. Furthermore, the approaches that required more effort were not part of my lineage but have been more of a learning experience, an attunement.

Now one thing that has impacted me is that we sometimes find ourselves already attuned to something and always return to it. I enjoyed watching EA Koetting’s video on always returning to the gatekeepers or being led back to them. I have also likened the process of returning to one’s starting point. For me that has been my Catholic faith but with open eyes to seeing all of the fullness of it and its own magick. There is much that is locked away to those who are initiated into holy orders but nevertheless there is amazing literature that many people would consider heretical by the naysayers and conformists of our era. People like St. Gregory of Nyssa, Maximus the Confessor, and Ephraem have profound visions of the meaning of initiation into the faith, becoming part of the body of Christ, and eventually the (re)integration of the universe and self into God. These are things that are not part of the “be a good person” agenda of bubble gum Christianity. Dark Nights of the Soul, Interior Castles, Mirrors that become unfogged, there is much work to be done and to contemplate as a Catholic.

How does magick fit into this?

Since my renewal, I’ve found that magick is an operation of the Will and carried out by not only intention but also entities as well. In my paradigm, this is mostly facilitated through the angels, fallen and otherwise. Many Christians don’t even acknowledge the power we have as co-creators in this world, to be able to ask the angels to help us follow through with our desires and thoughts. As to the existence of other gods and deities, I am agnostic whether or not they are primordial beings OF the universe and not independent of it.

Anti-Cosmic vs Supra-Cosmic

After reading many authors who follow diabolical gnosticism, Thursatru, and other forms of Anti-cosmic spirituality, I have come to realize that I agree with most of their claims of this world and our lives. However, I follow a path that is practically opposite of those currents in terms of polarity. Rather than pursuing the Qliphoth, the gatekeepers, and other entities who are on “the other side,” my experiences have pointed to beings of an opposite polarity. It is not so much to destroy the cosmos but to transcend it. Evolution is integration. Parsing those thoughts with my previous knowledge of Teilhard de Chardin and Sri Aurobindo, it all feels clear to me that even the diabolical gnosticism doesn’t go far enough. As much as one may seek to impose a return to the original Chaos, in some sense that must have been the Order of the primeval Night. Any difference is what causes chaos. So in my view, one must synthesize chaos and order to produce emergent stability.

Side Note

These notes are fragments I’ve been trying to post over many months. I think I have matured in my perspective and although I still explore, I just know my center is in the Catholic Church and the paradigms within. It is a shame that many may never encounter some of the saints I’ve listed before since they say, in very explicit terms, that Man can become deified, that we are co-creators in this world, and that we have the responsibility to carry out good and evil. Although we may get distorted time to time, we must never forget that each of us has a role to play, to go beyond the given, and use our experiences to share in mercy and love in times of amicability and provide justice when needed.

It has been six months since I had last posted. Within those six months, I feel as I have finally self-actualized. Thankfully with the intervention of another, I managed to overcome the stagnation in complete finality. I share this message so that others may see that at times, we do require someone to pull us out of our abyss, our shell of nothingness. Since then, as I have said, I returned to my faith for the better and I know there are many who would scoff at such an idea. After much thought, I would like to reflect on the three tiers of the magician- Sorcerer, Mage, and Wizard. I use these terms loosely and perhaps there are better ways to describe what I’m about to. The scale I use is one’s aptitude with focus. At any moment we are one or more of these at the same time.

Sorcerer: What from I have learned, these are those who require a lot of pomp, ritual, and psychological stimuli. One needs to use elaborate incantations and practices to get into the mode for magick, to focus the Will and may use visages and forms to manifest it. One’s working is fundamentally dynamic and chaotic

Mage Whereas the sorcerer required external stimuli to cause effects upon the world, subtle or otherwise, the mage is one who has formalized their practice, with consistent practices and precise psychodrama. The Will begins to conform to the forms without the effort of the sorcerer, as if it were a spiritual muscle memory. However, there still exists a necessity for the externalities of their practice- One still needs mirrors, candles, knives, but not to the extent of the sorcerer. Rather, a wand is usually all that is needed unless a rite is specified for certain tools.

Wizard For the last stage, I find this as one who has interiorized and embraced their true will, does not need to evoke it through ritual but rather manifests immediately, either with mediation or unmediated. It is the moment of perpetual gnosis and connection. If one has a deity, this is the moment of mystical union. However one must be careful when one is primarily thaumaturgic. Whatever rules are given to you, follow them lest they be broken. For one who taps into the powers of nature, the universe and outside of a pantheon, you in a sense have become like them, for better or worse. If you seek the Nordic path, achieve mastery with the runes. Seek the means of creation. To me that is a fundamental idea of the LHP. As a CHP person, there will come a time when you must invoke your patron, and by your will, its will be done.

I hope this comes as hopefully helpful to others. I will also write in time of my mystical experiences from these months of my absence along with a new pursuit for Oneiromancy.

Pt.1 - A ranting return?

It has been nearly three years since my last reply. I have been through an ebb and flow when it comes to understanding my spiritual experiences but have come across so many blocks not of my own doing. It’s like one of those video games with the invisible walls that force you to go through certain pathways.

As of this year, I have had a crisis in faith, leading me to think of magick more so as a psychological device than evoking/invoking real change with/through real spirits and divinity. Yet at the same time I can’t deny the synchronicities that have happened. I feel trapped, confined, and the progress I experienced months ago feels thrown into oblivion.

I have found myself torn between being the audacious, motivated, and intentional person that I once was and the lazy, inept, escapist I had become. I want to do more, be more, and the sort, but it never fails that other things get in the way, and not just anything but obligations. It feels as if stagnation and laziness is all that I can hope for but it has to be a lie, right?

The darkness and the light feel liminal. So what this means is that this is like a dark night of the soul again but I have to make the changes to overcome my inhibitions and inordinate behavior. “God helps those who help themselves” kind of thing, to build up. essentially in silence and hiding, to carry the cross and wander the frontier of the spirit. I hate being caught up in digital addictions, in unnecessary trifles, doing nothing that will advance my being towards mystical union.

After much spiritual reflection, I have an idea of the spirit that might be oppressing me for better or worse. I know some are driven by greed, lust, jealousy, and the sort…but sloth? Goodness, it’s such a counter to the entire mythos of the left handed and right handed paths. For whatever reason I also have a deep connection to the Saturnian mythos, mostly during my occult renewal happening in my Saturn return in 2017/2018. “You reap what you sow” is quite the mantra yet doesn’t mean anything if you do nothing. So I must break free to actually do something.

I feel the best way is to go the neurological routes of Antero Alli and Robert Anton Wilson (Prometheus Rising especially). It is true how we are often our own worst enemies, our brains the ultimate conservative that does not want real change but to contain their vessel into some kind of neurological equilibrium that doesn’t go too far beyond its comfort zone. Sure you can abstain, do a “dopamine detox,” nofap, and etc, but the brain will do its darndest to revert back into its hardwired state and it doesn’t help when you become so sensitized (it’s like tinnitus but with stimuli). As soon as the brain feels helpless, that in turn makes you feel helpless. Unless you have other ways to divert your focus and start new dopamine circuits, one will inevitably fall back into “sin.”

I hate that it’s so hard but then again it makes the struggle worthwhile, at least it should. Recently I feel a great fear to actually do something to be honest. I fear success, I fear attention. I also read not too long ago that speaking about your goals to someone releases the same endorphins as if you actually achieved them…which makes procrastination soooo damn scary. It’s a death spiral that occasionally resets itself. In time even the rock of Sisyphus will erode away.

The irony to all of this is that I know the spiritual realm is real, God is real, the angels and so on are real. It’s not all just in my head, no matter how much the materialistic worldview tries to indoctrinate. We’re not just living in some kind of shared hallucination. Actions evoke changes, our intentions reverberate throughout the cosmos and in time the sensitive circumstances become robust pathways of destiny.

I have to break free of this idleness and inactivity. I have to. Another irony is that I know what I must do- to follow what Sri Aurobindo calls the “triple transformation,” of mind, spirit, then body, to seek the Omega point in body and soul as Teilhard de Chardin wrote, to obliterate the vestiges of negative behaviors through proper dieting, good sleep habits, and the suffering one must endure in the quest of self-perfection. Rather than pursuing such, I find myself bound by trifles and responsibilities that I should have never placed upon myself. So in time, may I be rid of those things like a controlled burn, to re-light the beacon of desire, and aspire to the ages and the ages.

Pt. 2- Things I have found and hopefully may benefit others

I have begun diving into a lot of my older materials from years long past, even in high school. One of my favorite sources was Sri Aurobindo, who helped shape my understanding of spiritual evolution even to now. His tome, “The Life Divine,” is perhaps the greatest textbook towards spiritual enlightenment ever written from the Eastern perspective.

In years past I had a somewhat spiritual awakening through a wolf-meditation and was interested in the mythos of Fenris and other archetypes, which led to a deep dive into Thursatru in books like Myrkthursablot and Ginnrúnbók (both from Fall of Man publishing). Interestingly enough I recently acquired the Satvrnvs Lvcifer Codex (by David Mllr from Aeon Sophia Press), which has so many alignments with me on a personal note because in it one finds a Wolf of Lucifer ritual. Not to mention the depth the artwork of the actual text. And again, there’s Saturn. Nevertheless, it is a text of conviction, motivation, drive, aspiration. You can find it here

I’ve also managed to get other books and found other websites as well as revisiting older sources like the Trialogues of McKenna, Abraham, and Sheldrake; the dialogues of David Bohm and Jiddu Krishnamurti; the recent talks of Shunyamurti, and others.

Perhaps this is all just a giant irony because even though I go looking beyond myself to find knowledge, it’s only a matter of time until I find it again in my personal path, my center, which is Catholicism. There is actually a pathway for deification, there is a beautiful prayer of St. Patrick that is an invocation against all things that are in your way and God’s, and the tripartite spiritual stages of Purgation, Illumination, and Union. Everyone wants to be illumined and enter union but hardly anyone really wants to take up their cross and purge themselves of their negative aspects. No one in their right mind would champion the life of a hedonist mastered by his/her own passions, to become playthings of devils. The virtuous person seeks to always be in control and does whatever he/she wishes on their own terms. Dealers wisely say, “you don’t get high off of your own supply.” For us magicians, don’t let others do what you need to do yourself. One can have all the support in the world, but if you don’t believe in yourself, don’t expect anyone to believe in you.