My journal of random thoughts

I honestly don’t expect anyone to read this.I am doing it because I just want something to hold me accountable in case I don’t practice or study often.This is more of a thought vomit for me. Although feel free to chime in.

I finally had a lucid dream a night before.I remember deciding to jump in a river from a cliff,but then as soon as I jumped I thought my real body would hurt or at least experience a pain. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate pain.
Anyways I was pulled back and suddenly found myself literally pulled back to a new landscape and I was like Yipee!! A lucid dream.Anyways I was flying very high and I thought to myself about changing the scenery.So I imagined an ocean after some distance. As a was flying(as in standing
straight position) I found on a ground below a Huge sigil.But I had no clue whose it was or even if it belonged to someone).So Instead I changed it to Lord Lucifer’s Sigil.For some reason I never touched the ground and instead attempted to raise the sigil to me.It was a huge sigil and I could manipulate its face anyways except vertically.So I looked in the ocean and thought I am not going there because I will die or feel the pain of dying without actually dying. Then I woke up

Huh. No response from letter of intent though.I sometime thing maybe its incubus doing cuz I couldn’t have possibly done it by myself. Then I don’t see any signs pf my incubi although I think I might have made an error adressing it to all 4 goddesses instead of one.So either I have made a mistake or they all are sitting around a table discussing which one to send to my simpleton self.
Although I have stopped critical analysis of every sign that I might be possibly getting (there were none)and hoping that atleast someone liked me enough to come on their own when I am ready.

Currently reading:World of darkness

Yesterday I think I was unafraid of the dark…and it was amazing.I don’t think it was by my own …maybe my incubi or I have been begging or praying to Lord Lucifer,Mother Kali and Godesses Lillith Eisheth,Agrat and Namaah that I stopped being such a wuss. A week ago one night I was not at all afraid of the dark but the next night it was same…so I am curious about this night.

That’s another one of problems I think…I have read on this forum to treat them as equal.Respect them but think of yourself as a less realized version of them.But I can’t help it I always pray and almost beg them (not like pathetically although coming to think of it,it might be pathetic) but usually is like please please please Can I stop being afraid of the dark and can I feel my incubi now.I know years from now I am going to cringe so bad at this but for now…its hard to see them as equal when I am such an inexperienced fool ,I am scared of the dark and I have ego issues(I think i might think of myself as better person then my peers are and smarter which I don’t think I am anymore)AND I have no money to pay anyone to magickal services.

The thread about dumb thing we did when we were begginers were VERY helpful …good to know I was not the only one scared to fart or think I might have sexual thoughts was very helpful.I legit when starting only thought to work with female deities so I wouldn’t have sexual thoughts) See I don’t want my stupid thoughts to hinder my ability to learn and its ABSOLUTELY mortifying if that happened.Is there a spell to banish all sexual thoughts? I might use it.

Oh and Since satan and Lucifer are not the same,man it would be so easy if they were,I might be getting signs(does hearing Satan a lot counts?).And I think I would like to start working with Lord Lucifer because he is good for begginers.Lord satan I have gathered is a bit more aggressive and I don’t want to get shit scared and make more of a fool of myself more than I have. I have not officially done any magick just a letter of intent and two candle magick

I can just sit today get an offering,light red candle ,chant enn over sigil give blood and try to Evoke Lord Lucifer but that’s not really who I am. I like to do months and months of preparation so that a said thing gets executed perfectly. I did 2 months of preparation and 10 pages draft of letter of intent to finally finish it in 2 pages