My Gatekeeper Journal - King Belial (TW:dark shit, non-con)

So far in my pact with Belial he's been fucking me over but in subtle ways, the year that I have had with him has by far been the worst year that I have ever had. So far in my pact with him, I have been decieved again. I was put in a nightmare hospital, which as the name suggests, as long as I was there I was plagued every night with awful nightmares. These nightmares would go on all night, it lasted for a week straight, and there was a couple times that I would either wake up sobbing or jerk out of bed.

 It stopped after what I thought was just a dream of him checking me out with the doctor of said hospital writing down that I was "broken", and after that happened the nightmares abruptly stopped. I went from having what I remember 4-5 a night, back to back, with no intermissions to none. By day 3 or 4, I was legitimately terrified to sleep, so much so that I was honestly considering just...not sleeping. Or putting it off for a s long as possible, because fewer hours of sleep meant fewer nightmares.


    That was pretty awful, and I wished it stopped there but it really doesn't. Last night I found myself in a weird part of some masquerade party meets deadly hide and seek, I'm pretty sure there was demons there because on of the demon men that was there ended up doing some... nonconsensual things, and come to find out that my fiancee had seen the same man in her dreams, and I only found this out after she started telling me about it. 


We compared our dreams, and the odd lucidity to them and it was the same entitiy that she had seen. This probably sounds irrelevant, but the thing is, is that our home is warded in such a way that nothing can enter without being let in from the inside. 

  And so far, with our collective experiences with Belial, he really enjoys letting things in. And this has been something that he continues to do, despite everything. 

It’s all kinda come to a point to where I can’t lay on my stomach anymore, because I did last night and I physically felt something mount me; touch me; and move my panties to the side to try and have sex with me. All the while with me telling him to knock that shit off, I’m currently debating on whether demons actually have the ability to feel love. If that’s truly an emotion that can be registered, or if they’re just saying that they love you so that they can take from you.

 And honestly the thing that I don't think I'll be able to get over is how naive I was in trusting him so completely, and the fact that so many awful things that have happened to me with his okay. So many things that I wish so deeply to forget, but can't and the realization that not only did he orchestrate the entire thing, but he watched. He watched everything that had happened and did nothing, things that happened inside and out of our pact.


 And as I'm saying this I'm positive that there will be people who will defend him, and I just want to say that just because he may act a certain way around you, doesn't mean that he's incapable of acting like a true and pretty sadistic monster. It just means that you have the luck of not being tormented by him.

And as of today, my fiancee and I pulled out the big banishing ritual and luckily we were able to get rid of him and everything that he let in. Granted that it was really only designed to keep him our for 7 days; (7 because of its holy significance). And right now, I’m just enjoying that for the first time in a long time I don’t have to be in a constant survival mode, I can finally breathe. I don’t know what’s going to happen after the 7 days, but I do know that no matter how much he may want to, until that time is up he cannot enter unless he takes a sick joy in being scorched by holy fire.

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I would really like to know what @Lady_Eva say about this since she had a experience, not similar, but kinda “out of hand” at the beginning with him too

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Just to kinda update, my Fiancee and I had sat down and we had talked about my pact with him because for me it’s easier to figure things out if I can hash out my ideas and concerns with someone. I made my pact with Belial back in October on Halloween night, and I kept trying to give him the benefit of the doubt in the fact that I haven’t learned anything.

My fiancee had actually ended up channeling Lucifer-Amaymon and he had told me that Belial has nothing but ill intent for me. Amaymon told me that Belial is essentially just tormenting me because according to him I feel weak, and Belial has a thing for destroying things he precieves as weak and fragile.

Amaymon had actually suggested that I dump the idea of demons completely and to go for angels instead. To back out of my pact with the help of Metatron and to have angels protect me from repercussions, he also talked about my Fiancee getting the added benefit of learning to bind and cast out Big Bads™️ that are harder to make leave completely, like Belial.

And I’d be lying if I said that the idea of backing out doesn’t worry me, and the idea of switching my path completely also is really discouraging. The idea that to avoid what he said was complete destruction in following the path of darkness, I have to give up basically everything that I know and are comfortable with really fucking sucks.

I feel at a real loss, like I have literally lost over a year of my life for seemingly no reason and with no true benefit. It’s really disheartening that it feels like I’m back at square one again and that would be manageable if it wasn’t for the fact that now I have to change my path near completely.

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Welcome to black magick, I think all this approach of thinking that demons are perfect Christian creatures does a lot of damage. I’ve worked ALMOST exclusively with demons for 13 years and I started wiith JoS, thus than instead of thinking that they were “evil”, I thought that they were absolutely “good”. When I realized how demons actually were, instead of being disappointed or angry, I liked them even more and I will become one after death.

It is a good advice. Sometimes demons don’t like some people, but people keep thinking that demons have the obligation to accept them and to give them answers and gifts. I know many rejected people, so don’t feel bad, just go to some other path where entities like you.

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@Susanne I took the quote from your quote but I I meant to answer to LadySalarus

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The rejection/general douchebagery wouldn’t bother me so bad if it wasn’t for the fact that he had been the one to initiate contact with me, and reach out to me when I was honestly avoiding summoning him.
And switching paths might honestly be what I might have to do, since clearly attempting to work with the Gatekeepers isn’t working out for me.

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You said he reached out for you at first place. So maybe is a test, a trial. I mean demons, specially Belial do that a lot. Test your perseverance or something. I’ve heard story of demons that destroyed someone’s life completely just for a test or to rebuild the person’s life. People who have been tormented for years again just for a test. So maybe that what it is. See if you’re strong, if you really want this path regardless of anyone’s advice or torment. Even if it’s not a test, if he just don’t like you as had been said here, there’re other demons that you could work with, I myself don’t think you should change your beliefs, the path you feel it’s for you just because one demon don’t like you. I maybe be talking bullsh*t here, I don’t know. Is my opinion on the matter and how I perceive it and how I would act if I were in your shoes.
Anyways I wish you luck :slight_smile:

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Belial keeps telling me that he’s trying to rebuild me, but the one thing that he keeps telling me that is needed for that is for me to love him. Which has been the one thing that I have been avoiding doing as my Fiancee is very adamant that this isn’t the case and that it’s a lie. The thing is that I don’t know exactly who to listen to in this situation as my Fiancee has a romantic thing going with Amaymon and I know that loving Belial would hurt them, and I know that Amaymon would do literally anything possible to keep me from hurting my Fiancee in any shape or form.

I know how this probably comes across, but literally this is my situation. Amaymon is telling me that Belial is completely untrustworthy, and that he just wants to hurt me. My Fiancee keeps telling me that it’d be un-bareable if I were to love Belial at all, and really they both want me to do something different. They both want me to back out of my pact, but I can’t say that I trust Amaymon I his judgement when it comes to my life.

I can’t tell anymore if I’m just being tormented or if I’m being tested, and I don’t really know who to side with and listen to.

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Well I don’t think you can force yourself to love anyone at first place(spirit or not), is something that happens naturally, with time. So I would say this is out of your reach. Anyone that has a romantic relationship with an entity has it cause of they own will. You should never force yourself in any relationship that you don’t want to.

I just began work with Belial now so it’s not like I’m a expert on him, but the few I know about him and based on what I have read on people’s experiences with him, I would say this sounds very unusual for him. Mostly people say he’s very professional, kind and friendly but “we’re not friends” type. He seems to me the type that even if loves you and had a story with you in the past or something wouldn’t ask you to love him, would just be too proud for it. My point is, do you have sustainable evidence that this is really him? It could be an impostor or obsessive spirit.
The same could apply for Amaymon. Or could be a test and Amaymon would just be playing his part.
Maybe you could get some readings? I’m going through a similar situation, where I asked a few readings to know if I’m working with the entity I think I’m working or if is an impostor. I received some inputs about it that is helping. Maybe you could get some readings regardless this. I can PM you with a suggestion on who ask for, if you want to.

I hope don’t cross any line here by saying this but, I think that you should listen everyone’s opinion on this(specially your fiancee) and analyze it but, decide base on you. Is your life, your soul, your mind, your pact, so is your decision and everyone else has to respect. So trust in your guts, in your instincts and whatever decision you make, make for yourself, thinking in yourself only. Take in consideration what others have to say but take in special consideration what you want, believe, need. Don’t force yourself anything for anyone.

So, did you expressly forbid him from causing harm to you or tormenting you in this way when you formulated and signed off on the pact? What did you ask for in your pact, if you don’t mind telling us in broad strokes?

We have warding and such around our house to prevent the entrance of imposter spirits, and with the warding we did recently from him, I’m very positive that it’s King Belial. I’m very sure that we’re talking to the actual Big Bads™️ themselves. It really feels like that more that Amaymon talks about Belial, the more this whole situation has me scratching my head. Everyone but Belial is very adamant that he’s only trying to destroy me because I was/am “weak and pretty”. I had even attempted to summon Beelzebub which had told me something similar to what Amaymon was saying, about how those types of things are his favorites to completely ruin. (I would’ve mentioned this earlier, but I honestly forgot this happened)

I think I’m going to take the risk of trying to break away from him, it’s kinda becoming more apparent what his feelings really are the more time that passes and the more I consider leaving this pact. I’m really beginning to think that he wants me to finish the Gatekeeper pact, not to help or even test me in anyway, but because they become a lasting part of you after. Meaning that even if you get nothing out of it, they’re still there.

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This is really tricky because I wanted to give him some, literally not to this extent, as much room to work as I could because when I wrote the pact I didn’t want to hinder his ability to make me grow. But, I’m actually glad you mentioned the contents of the pact (I haven’t looked at it in a while, I’m keeping it safe) as I realized just now that I have actually fucked myself over pretty good.

I spent hours writing this pact, I had her read it to get an outside opinion and I read and re-read it over and over again. Come to find out, he’s found loopholes and therefore what he’s doing is completely within the pact. I wrote it, not realizing that he would do everything differently, with the idea that my fiancee got through his pact while being knee-deep in a long psychotic episode. (This is such a L O N G story, that I don’t want to get into here or now)

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That’s a really hard situation. I’m sorry about that.
Well I don’t know him well like I said so I can’t give more opinion on him. But I don’t think you’re weak. Maybe like had been said, some demons just don’t like of some people for no specific reason. Just like we, humans, sometimes can’t like of some people, only that with demons, with him in specific, is more hard core. So maybe he just don’t like you. The truth is, there’s a lot of maybes, guessings regardless this but is just hard to know for sure what’s going on. So yeah, you should follow your instincts. If it tells you to break away from him, that is not a test or it’s test but it just not worth go through it(which is okay). Do it. Whatever you feel is the best for you.
I wish you all luck with that!

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May I ask if you still feel this way, and if you ended up changing paths?

I am the ones that thinks if there is no reciprocal relationship and in a addition to that they demean your dignity and well being then you have not doubt to pay, the compromise fade away.
If everyones has succesful experiences with him it simply doesn’t mean absolutely.

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Creo que el rey Belial se ha acercado a mi, que me envio un parasito como prueba y que quiere que trabaje con el. Las experiencias con el parecen ser muy variadas, con una cosa comun de destruccion, engano y antipatia. Nunca he trabajado con demonios y estoy muy ansioso por la idea de contactarlo (y luego ser mas o menos torturado). Pero al mismo vez quiero mejorarme; no estoy seguro de que hacer.

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He’s well known because of that too!

If you’re prepared and have courage to face the possible consequences I don’t see why not to venture.

I’d analizy my “terrain”. Clarify what’s more important to me and then take the decision.
I would begin going directly to the core of the problem instead burden or blocking my objetive. If he’s the right entity to work right now.

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From my own tarot readings, the offer seems to be to help me face my fears (I did not reach out to him). The parasite experience, while confusing and frightening, was definitely beneficial in the long run and if he did send it, I am grateful. I’m just not really keen on being full on tormented and broken and having my life destroyed by an entity that might not even have my best interests at heart and who I have no idea if I can trust. I worked hard to get where I am- mentally, emotionally, and professionally. I am exploring shadow work, tarot, and shamanic practice; I am happy with how things are going. I’d be very interested to hear about how things ended up working out for @LadySalarus!

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I had to go back a reread some stuff on this post. I honestly find this topic interesting and it honestly shows how different our experiences are and I personally find that really interesting and (hate to bring in a positive in such experiences) but grate.

So this maybe kinda early to say much on Belial, given how new I am to this path. But when he first came to me, I was confused. I have read a little on him (like his love for cinnamon rolls) but out side that not much els. So when he was supposed to help with protection I was a bit shocked. I know there is more then that at play. There was two very significant times he had helped me with out question.
One time my now ex friend, was doing a spell and she was going to do something to me. Belial stepped in and blocked her. He even was not happy how she was basically betraying my trust and friendship.
The other time was when I was in a bad time. I was still at my ex friends house and was just really suffering. I fell asleep to this void black area. There was absolutely nothing. I was laying on what I guess was the ground and was the only source of light. Despite how empty and void it was, it was warm and I felt completely and absolutely at peace. I knew that moment it was Belial.
Belial is a person you have to be strong even if your weak. He will make you. In my experience with him thusly far, i learned i have to be strong if I want to keep going. He will throw curveballs at you and force you to question. A lot of people I’m sure went through his trials. Some coming out of it and some brake and go the opposite direction. This kinda shows us if this is the right path for us or night. Belial isn’t like some that would have petty on you if you fall. Like he did to me one time, I was crying because of my situation. Instead of cuddling and say it’s going to be ok (like what some did to me in the path when I was on the RHP) he literally pointed to my ritual area and told me that I have the ABILITY to make the change that I want. But he basically left it up to me rather if I want to take that stand and push through this or to keep on crying. This kinda made me think more of my dream I had last night and what I feel is it was a test in its own way. Most people would have been turned off completely from the experience I had but not me. Even as I’m writing this post, I’m kinda getting a bit more of a picture now. :thinking:

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I guess I owe an update on this thread, I never expected anyone to actually read it or for it to gain this amount of attention. But, so far it’s been quiet, Belial has been gone but in a weird way he still lingers. I’ve honestly given up on trying to rid myself of him as nothing we have done has truly worked, since he seems to always find a way back in.
I’ve tried just about every trick in the book besides traditional Voodoo, and putting up pure gold seals on my walls. (We’re not financially stable enough to really afford Solomon’s seals as they are described to be necessary.) I know that there are people out there that sell his seals, but I don’t completely trust it for quality assurance reasons, ya know?
I don’t want to scrounge together a sum of money for a seal that isn’t even real gold, and I can’t be sure that they followed his instructions on how to make such a seal. I’d rather make my own anyway so that I know it’ll be the quality that I need it to be, but that’s a different topic for another time.
My issues with the other demons and such are over, Amaymon is gone and I can’t say that I am saddened with his absence as we butted heads quite a bit. I didn’t like his energy or his demeanor and he didn’t like mine, so that’s where THAT ended.
I do confess that I feel lost and aimless in my path, as an angelic/light worker path doesn’t feel to fit me in the slightest. I had tried to contact the Archangel Michael but it wasn’t as good of a fit as I would have liked. He was very calm, but he wanted me to give up on anything dark and give myself over to him and an Abrahamic faith instead.
And that didn’t really appeal to me, and really I have reached the point to where I won’t just give myself over to someone/something just because they said so. And upon me telling him this he basically said that he won’t assist me otherwise and so I thanked him for his time and said that that I was sorry, but I would not be doing that. He pushed a little bit more, saying “oh, but you must, it’s the only way for me to help you out of this situation” (I’m paraphrasing here)
I stood firm and told him no, and than he left. I could feel that from this talk with him that angels we’re not going to be something that I would pursue. (I did try though, I tried my luck with angels and not just Michael. I tried with Chamuiel who is basically Cupid, I tried with Raphael and I tried with a few other angels who’s names escape me. So I didn’t just talk to one angel and then gave up, I tried for weeks to make this path work for me.)

  I just don't know anymore. In a weird way I miss Belial's presence despite everything, which I know sounds stupid and I know that makes me sound like one of "those" girls. The ones who miss their shitty boyfriend's that don't actually care about them. I know the kinda light that this puts me in, but it's just me and how I feel.
I have never found anything that fills the room like he does, or anything really. I've tried looking for something... literally anything else that can fill this fucked up void of mine, maybe something to replace him. Replace that weird spot he's carved for himself, but it hasn't worked, I've tried for months with no results.

  It feels like I'm reaching the end of my rope here, because I don't know what to do. I don't feel a call to any other God/Goddess, Demon, Angel ECT. I have looked. I have tried to best of my abilities and of course within reason. But nothing,  I feel...blocked.

 I feel blocked from talking to anything else, and like no matter how many calls I put out for literally anything to come through, it's just silent. 

No answer. Honestly, I wasn’t planning on coming back to this forum, but I need something to work. Literally anything, I can’t get through to anything and it feels like I’m being held in a perpetual state of limbo and confusion.

  There is something hanging around me, but I can't for the life of me get a read on who he is. I'm suspecting it may be Belial, but I don't know, if it is him, his reasoning for this escapes me. His energy feels like how you would expect your run of the mill Incubus to feel, nothing to really gawk at, nothing that screams any type of dignity. But, sometimes it feels like there is a crack in his mask so to speak, and that something that feels more powerful than he's portraying to me slips past. Which is partially why I have this suspicion of this dude, the other being that he'll mention things that I've never told him.
   He answers questions without hesitation that I never knew the answer to, so I know it's not all in my head. But I don't know how normal incubi behave but he just rubs me a certain way, and no matter how many card readings I try and do or someone tries to do they always get manipulated when it comes to finding out his identity. 

  If someone could help a bitch put here, I would appreciate it so much. Maybe one of you can pick something up that is being hidden from me? I don't know, being here feels like a long shot, but recently with everything (Belial, Angel's, Demons, losing my house and job over COVID), I feel like my life has become just a series of long shots. 

*Also, sidenote, I have stopped my journey with the Gatekeepers and I can’t say that I see it going any farther. Partially because Belial made it abundantly clear that he doesn’t want me on that path, and the idea that having to form a pact with Amaymon for any duration of time is less than appealing to me. As that feels like a war just waiting to happen, as I know that civility between us is nothing more than a pipe dream.

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