I am not a native speaker, so please understand
Day 1.
First, I will briefly explain my emotional state.
I hardly ever love myself.
I’ve always struggled with low self-esteem, endless loneliness. There must be a lot of causes for this problem.
Childhood(mundane thing), childhood religion, family history, love affairs, etc. And the habit of going endlessly into my thoughts, etc.
It’s like a very big black hole in my heart.
This really causes a lot of trouble.
I couldn’t trust others easily, and break off relationships before they get deeper so as not to be hurt in all relationships. And insecurity (definitely, I learned how to suppress it with a second personality)…)
I may seem like a bright and passionate person in my daily life, but my inner self is not at all.
I’m tired of this.
anyway
I’ve been battling the greatest loneliness of my life these days.
I can’t go out because of COVID-19, the memory of my ex-girlfriend(she is happy now) and myself too shabby to contrast with ex-girlfriend.
So,I cast some love spells, but nothing happened.
I’ve practiced love spelling several times in the past, but this time, strangely enough, nothing happened. The more I cast a spell, the more I become obsessed with the target. I felt like a reverse-magick.
Besides, my magical powers are so shabby that there’s no way I can make sure they’re doing well.
I’d like to learn full evocation and do it, but in the middle of it, how will I practice enduring my loneliness? Moreover, the idea of mastering this vast art with a motive for love seemed pathetic.
So at one point I thought it was all just a matter of my heart chakra.
The idea that if I were healthy, I wouldn’t need someone to fill my feelings, and I wouldn’t need love magick.
Did you see the movie ‘ Perfume: The Story of a Murderer ’? Jean Gruenui makes ‘perfume’ to be loved. What he realized when he got his hands on it, he killed himself knowing that if he knew how to love him truly, he wouldn’t have had to kill so many beautiful people to make this perfume.
I thought my heart was the cause of all the problems, and it started from my heart.
I started from this link
I imagined i am surrounded by green-white prana light, and as I breathe, then my heart chakra shines bright.
Nothing happened but as I enchant, there was a very small pain in my chest(not heart)
I am not good at visualization, imagination, but
The real physical reaction has occured so I was amazed.
And again i am not good at meditation, so I stopped with bunch of thinkings and real world senses
But I could feel I am relaxed more, and need for someone is highly decreased
I wanted to keep this state, so I repeated while eating, working etc