Musings of a Madman

I figured I would have a try at a journal here, how successful I will be at it only time will tell. If you happen across this and have some input or insight, or just want to say hi, feel free. Regardless, I wish you the best on your path. The ramblings and musings here are just me trying to make sense of my world, and my place in it. I’m not going to tell you that it’s important, or that there is any significant gem or lesson in any of it, it is simply as my title states. If you choose to read further, welcome, if not safe paths.

Where should I even start? The most rational place to start is at the beginning, but that isn’t what is on my mind now, and truth be told my beginning is so far removed from where I currently stand that is almost argue that it is completely irrelevant.

With that being said, let’s start with what currently feels my thoughts, this feeling in my chest. I feel like there is a rope tied around my heart trying to pull me somewhere, but I have no direction or even inkling of where it may be trying to guide me . I always feel it to some degree, but today it is absolutely driving me insane. The closest thing that I can even begin to compare it to is tying a rope to a tree then going deep into a cave, through it’s twists and turns, so you can follow the rope back out of the darkness without getting lost.

The problem is, I don’t have any idea what the rope is even tied to, or what could begin to release the pressure it’s putting on me. It isn’t necessarily a bad pull, I feel like I should follow it back to wherever it leads, but I can’t get any sense of direction from it. All I can tell at this moment is wherever I am is not where I am supposed to be, and whatever is on the other end is trying to remedy that. I have tried many times before to figure out what is pulling me, but to no avail.

My first thought is that it is a particular Goddess trying to bring me back into her fold, but that easily could just be me trying to find answers where there are none. At this point, I honestly have no idea, maybe it’s nothing at all. I guess only time will actually tell, that and me trying random things until I finally lock onto something that gives me some slack in the rope.

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It really is interesting how much difference a day can make in our perception. Yesterday I was stressed, worried, as I have been for a few weeks now, but today I am calm, and other than a slight headache, happy.

The best that I can figure is the change came about an epiphany that I had early this morning. I was sitting on my couch drinking my morning v8 and just talking to my altar/ to no one in general. Typical morning where I speak to no one in particular during my silent time. As I was talking though, my current job hunt came up and all of my negative emotions surrounding it. Then something dawned on me, my past times I have tried to get into software development don’t affect this one. The company I am waiting to hear back from isn’t going to call everyone in my past. The idea kept building from there, my past failures don’t have near as much affect on me as I seemed to have thought.
It was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I’ve been thinking ever since, and every major problem in my life, suddenly doesn’t seem as major. I left an offering on my altar as thanks for the epiphany, though if I’m being honest I’m not even sure who to. I guess at this point it’s an altar to an unknown helper, a figure in the mist that I can’t quite make out. Regardless of not knowing, I feel like a chain has been broken off me. I suppose the real question is where do I go from here.

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It has been a few days since I have updated this, as per usual when nothing is happening. Still no word on the job, I wish I could get a definite answer either way, maybe I will today.
I think what is frustrating me the most is at the moment I feel lost, I have a pull and no direction, no idea what path I need to be on, and while I feel I am doing better and making improvements, I still have no actual confirmation. I asked for a sign or message or something earlier, which I know may not have been ideal, but I was venting and frustrated. I don’t know what I’m expecting, or if I will even get anything.
Part of me is debating on taking my altar down until I figure out who it’s actually meant to be to, figure out who I am feeling, but if I do at this rate I don’t know when I will put it back up. Despite how this may read, I’m actually in a pretty good mood, I just wish I had some direction. If I’m meant to continue to wander aimlessly to learn something, then I’ll accept that.

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Another day passed yesterday, no news about the job. On a cosmic sense, I recognize that this is probably a lesson to help me develop patience… but on my shallow sense it’s been a month and offers haven’t even rolled out yet, either give me the offer or tell me I didn’t get it, stop wasting my time.

I need to make an effort to watch my mood today, woke up with a migraine so I know that I’m more prone to get mad/down. Not sure what else to put, so short entry today.

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I usually try to look on the positive side of things, more often than not I’m the one people come to for new ideas and hope. We all have the … Darkness for lack of a better word, lurking inside of us threatening to drag us down and drown us. Mine is really trying hard today to drown me. I refuse to give into it, but maybe putting it down will help make it easier to push through them.
The biggest thing on my mind, is I’m tired of being forgotten. It really feels like no one wants me or even remembers me until they need something. It’s like I don’t even exist. I’m honestly beginning to wonder if there’s a point to even trying anymore. I read through all of the posts and success stories, and I wonder if I even belong here. I have had a few intense feelings when dealing with King Paimon , but every time I consciously try to reach out, it’s like there’s nothing. Just letting the “darkness” speak, seriously what is the point, I have no friends, no one to actually talk to, I’ve felt out of place for years.
Everything I try I feel like isn’t even being heard. Maybe the pull is nothing but me wanting to matter, wanting to feel like I’m actually worth something. I have been working on my intent, trying to visualize something better to help it come to pass, but it just feels empty.
I can’t let the “darkness” win though, I refuse to let it drown me like it did my mom. I will still push to better myself, still push to find my purpose, I absolutely refuse to give up. I’ve been through hell before, I’d argue that I’ve never left, by this point I’m so tempered by the flames I can take anything that’s thrown at me. Whatever is to come, bring it on, I’ll still be here

After some thought, I think I may be missing the point of how things are. I try my best to be open and learn new things, perhaps why I feel stuck is because I haven’t fully separated myself from how I feel about my situation and examined it. I spend a lot of time searching for answers outwards, but little inward. Why do I feel the way I do, why do I allow myself to?

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Long and busy weekend, got a lot done but nothing major has changed. I’ve been trying to look at potential lessons in my situation, though other than patience I’m drawing a blank. I can’t just sit in wait but not really sure what else I should be doing. While my mood has improved, my situation has not. Guess all I can do is keep trying.

Questioning a lot of things right now, not even really sure where to start. The past two weeks I have been having irregular dreams, ones like I never have. Don’t quite know what to make of it, I had my own suspicions of them but likely wrong.

My mood right now in a word, frustrated. It seems like no matter how hard I work, what I do, what I try, I never get an inch. I’m just a sideline character that’s easily forgotten, and for a long time I was perfectly fine with that. Now, it just irritates me to no end. I went from completely ignoring what I wantred to try to give others what they did, to getting mad just thinking about not getting what I work for. Not really sure if the change is for the better or worse, or even entirely sure what caused it. It started around the time of the first dream, and has only grown since.

Part of me is thinking what’s the point, but something else is telling me to take what I want. Strange as it sounds, it seems less like my own thoughts and more like the old cartoons where the character has an angel in one shoulder and devil on the other. Regardless of what it is, I might as well give it a go, I know what it’s like to be a side character, if I don’t like the change I can always go back.

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Another few days passed, still no change. I had a reading done that pointed towards the fact I need to work on my priorities, so today that is my goal.

The dreams still continue, though they seem to have a playful tone to them now. I tried something that was suggested to me, and the next night the girl from the first dream was back. She didn’t specifically mention what I tried, but she had a smile that told me she knew and found it funny. After that, I decided that I’m just going to let it ride. I’ve not noticed any negative effects, and the dreams, while strange, break up the monotony in my life right now.

Last night I had another dream after the typical sex ones that have been happening where I was in a car wreck, my truck has crashed into a lake, and as I was sitting there waiting for the water level to equalize so I could open my door and swim out, suddenly she was there, outside my window. She then opened my door, I say open, she more so ripped it right off it’s hinges grabbed me and helped me swim up to the surface and get to shore. She kissed me lightly once there, and I coughed up water that I didn’t realize I had swallowed. My coughing is what woke me up.

Whatever the dreams are, I’m not worried I figure if I am supposed to understand them, I will in time. Situations like this I suppose it would help to have someone to talk to about them to bounce ideas off of, but for now I just keep them here and my journal.

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