I’ve been hearing “Marbas” in whispers and at random since January. The energy was not warm, comfortable or embracing. Stepping outside of my shell of a comfort zone has been the last thing on my mind as Ive been trying to hold together the fragile, crumbling shell that is my waking life. Unhappily married, a college dropout, unemployed with failing health and old wounds flaring up I’ve been wallowing in a river of my own misery. Trying to wash in the shallow, fleeting light I’ve adopted to augment my spirit with; a bold hand reaches out from another current beckoning me come out and kneel at the foreign shore.
A song of energy wraps around my carcass and sucks me into the spaces beyond. Unknown amount of time later my vision separates and im looking at a mirror of my energy suspended againat a black expanse. It is not red, dark or familiar here. I see a blue star flame out of anahata (heart chakra). “What is this?” I ask bewildered as it doesn’t match the description of any soul spark I’ve yet read about. Like a liquid, yet burning deep blue point of focus.
I’d focuses this meditation on contacting and wheeling a deal with Marbas. Instead, it began with a look at my Self.
Excited almost to a waking state, the vision wanes for a moment and my eyes open and refocus on the shade of inscence smoke and candle light dancing above my head. Focused on the sight above me, I feel around within myself for that fiery cold spot. When my innermost senses touch the spot again, almost like pressing a button, my crown chakra splits open and a team of deepest blue/indigo fills my Ajna, pools in my throat and enhances my chest. I see an umbilical forming, a cord from somewhere out there to my inside. This umbilical forming is like a breath of fresh air, a familiar, restoring sensation and I become suddenly aware of some part of me that was missing that I did not know had been gone. I feel the cloudy white energy I’d weakly woven around me begin to dissolve in layers.
Marvelling at the blue aura now visible in the space around me I pick up my smoke and head outside to sit in the backyard.
“Well, Marbas, was that you?” I ask the dark trees and stars above me.
“Forget everything you think you know. That spark is a part of you the light would never teach you about.”
I inhaled deeply, to get my bearings and a sense of protection from my solar plexus, but my energy sputtered and faltered. In fear and ignorance my mind grasped for one of my devas for a sense of protection as it seemed my own energy faltered.
“It’s not your energy they’ve (my late circle and lightworker mentors) have been teaching you to use. A fish may slither and swim, making progress through snow for a while before it freezes and stiffens. The snow is not it’s home or it’s nature. It’s a form of water, yes, fish need water. But the false light is not a form of energy you need.” Marbas speaks into my mind with a knowing, authorative voice that is neither comforting or threatening.
I drop the faint glow I’d been scraping to keep my solar plexus together, as I do, a needle of that indigo spark pokes into my center. Returning inside, I lay into my meditation spot in silence waiting for more direction from Marbas; hoping to draw it closer I hum the Marbas’ enn.
“I am not holding your hand or comforting you. I challenge you.” Images of previous experiences with angels, spirits and past mentors flash through my mind as I ponder the words. “These,” I get an impatient sense of mild reprimanding energy, “… these are of no use. Forget everything you think you know.”
I nod off to deep sleep with all of my magical experience, career and dead end experiences playing like a film reel through my head. My ego wondered why the demon would not inhabit my willing mind, but instead chose to make me look at and face my past failures and dead ends.
To be continued in another entry…