You made it! Your first job was a piece of cake! Taking all that money for the job was almost like robbery. Yet here you are, finally a real hit man with real hard cash in your pockets and that first notch on your pistol.
Some people would say that a hit man is an emotionless, cold-blooded killing machine that he has no fear and no belief in God. On the contrary, a hit man has a wide range of feelings. He may be excruciatingly tender towards his woman. He may be extremely compassionate towards the elderly or disabled. He may have a strong aversion to the useless killing of wildlife. He may even be religious in his own way.
What the professional lacks is remorse. He feels no guilt.
I’m sure your emotions have run full-scale over the past few days or weeks.
There was a fleeting moment just before you pulled the trigger when you wondered if lightening would strike you then and there. And afterwards, a short burst of panic as you quickly looked around to make sure no witnesses were lurking.
But other than that, you felt absolutely nothing. And you are shocked by that nothingness. You had expected this movement to be a spectacular point in your life. You had wondered if you would feel compassion for the victim, immediate guilt, or even experience direct intervention by the hand of God. But you weren’t even feeling sickened by the sight of the body.
The first few seconds of nothingness give you an almost uncontrollable urge to laugh out loud. you break into a wide grin. Everything you have been taught about life and it value was a fallacy. A dirty rotten lie!
Life is notyou know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your own life is just as frail and valueless. What you have done could just as easily and unexpectedly been done to you, despite your fighting ability, your weapons expertise, your efforts to protect yourself. The realization is both sobering and shocking.
Like a machine, you do what is necessary to cover your tracks. As you leave the scene, that first burst of cool night air hits you and panic sets in. You have to force yourself to resist the urge to run!
It took only ten minutes to casually stroll to the victim’s house. Covering that same distance back to your waiting car seems to take ten hours! Are people watching you from behind those closed drapes, memorizing your description as they dial the police? Can they hear the pounding of your heart above the noise of their television sets as you struggle to control your breathing and make it even?
Once inside the safety of your automobile, you change you clothing and disguise and alter the gun barrel as quickly as possible. Then, both hands gripping the steering wheel, you drive. Your eyes are constantly searching the roadside. You can’t afford and accident, traffic violation, or even to miss a turn in your planned route. you struggle to keep the speed of the auto within set limits. Like you feet, the car seems to want to run.
With the disposal of each piece of evidence, your fear eases. By the time you arrive at the airport, you begin to feel silly about your unnecessary panic.
On the trip back home, you begin to think of the shocking realizations about the real value of life that you experienced after pulling the trigger professionally for the first time. Your own life takes on new meaning. Never again will you strive to accumulate wealth. Instead, you will pack the time you have with the things that make life enjoyable, interesting and exciting. You will live each day to the fullest. The acceptance of the valuelessness of life has give your own life value.
After you have arrived home, the events that took place take on a dreamlike quality. you don’t dwell on them, you don’t worry. You don’t have nightmare. You don’t fear ghosts. When thoughts of the hit got through your mind, it’s almost as though you are recalling some show you saw on television.
By the time you collect the balance of your fee, the doubts and fears of discovery have faded. Those feelings have been replaced by cockiness, a feeling of superiority, a new independence and a new self-assurance.
Your biggest problem now is learning to deal with your ego.