So I’ve decided to start journaling my thoughts, feelings and progress from now. To get it out of my head, but also to have something to read back at a later time.
I’m sure all “newbies” have experienced some sort of setback in their beliefs when first starting out, so I also hope that others will know that they are not alone, and hopefully experience that for myself too.
Today two forum members were kind enough to pull a card for me (Thank you @DarkestAngel and @Angelb1083, it was an eye-opener) The one card confirmed something I’ve been wondering and the other was straight up spot on in a way that was also a bit confronting, as it basically confirms where I stand now. In life, in my magickal path, and in contemplating what’s next… I think the message was so multi-faceted that it was as much an epiphany as it was confusing.
I dont know… I’m just so frustrated because I dont know how and where to start.
I guess it’s also a lot of insecurities which stem from my difficult childhood and I still deal with that to date. I’m good on a day to day basis and 99% of the time my outlook on life is just fine, but I also feel I haven’t fully healed and it still holds me back sometimes. I’m also very sensitive and emotional sometimes, I doubt myself all the time. I have difficulty trusting, I’ve been burned one to many times by people, while I’m always very loyal.
It sometimes feels like everything is just against me, and nothing I do works out. I’m also very much a “see it to believe it” type of person, maybe magick or this path just isn’t for me. I know it takes time, and faith, which for some reason I seem to lack. It’s like, if there was one thing, just one thing that would work as desired I’d be able to see what I’m doing it for and put my trust and faith in it. But I feel like I can’t even make my own eyes blink with the strongest of intentions…
How can the success thread be so full of stories… are they just crazy and imagining this? Or is it me? Am I deemed incredibly unworthy that even the spirit realm doesn’t want to burn their fingers on me? Am I just not good enough?
I would say I’m a good person, always ready to help the next person, aiding and helping them move up and foward in life, while I stand on the sideline and look at my life staying the same despit the effort. I dont have a bad life, not in the slightest, but I do miss “that sparkle”.
It even sometimes feels like my purpose on this earth is to do just that, but not in a good “angelic” way, but more like a servant. It’s seems more like a punishment and it’s getting old and annoying 
I guess the whole “problem” is exactly what’s written above. I know very well that it’s irrational, and that this kind of thinking won’t help one bit. However, I feel that in order to move forward I have to at least acknowledge that those thoughts and feelings are there. Changing them though is a whole other story…
So for now, as I always do: I pick myself back up, brush it off, put on a smile and continue to be the life of the party and entertain the world. Fake it till you make it, has never been more true…
