Lost and confused

Hi EA,

I’m new to this forum,
but I’ve been following you on youtube for a while.

I think your work is great,
I’ve often found almost miraculous answers to questions I’ve dwelt on in the past.

A bit of history about myself :
I officially became a dedicated Satanist in my late teens,
I was a follower of the JOS group.

My goals were always related to a desire to attain a better existence,
from financially to mentally to spiritually
as well as to find a place of some sort
in the ranks of those I claimed to adore.

After repeated failed summonings of a certain Spirit
I had some success,
the room seeming to light up,
golden orbs floating accompnied by a rather beautiful energy
as I felt as though I was being lifted from my body,
I basically was overcome with fear and uncertainty/distrust and I ended the event.

I would later attempt to walk the rhp ounce more

  • overcome by guilt and other factors which arent important.

However years later as my foolish attempt to live for jesus failed
I found myself staring at things of an occult nature.

Quite frankly there would be times when I’d be meditating
when it would seem as though I was receiving communications through my emotions,
almost as if impulses gave birth to sentences and realizations.

To cut a long story short I performed a few rituals to Demons and then one night
I became semi-conscious in my sleep

I felt like I was being lifted from my body
but in fear and distrust

I began again to think or repeat
“jesus help me” and it was as if I was gently laid back down.

Like my first incident I had a sort of dream with message before I awoke.

Since then however it seems no matter what I say or do I get no tangible response from the Gods.

Somtimes I think of giving up,
I live with my very Christian family and I cant lie that sometimes I think
that giving in would be easier just forget all about it you know.

I guess my question is with such a history
(this obviously isnt all the facts as I’m trying to keep this short)

do you think that Lucifer and the Gods could be angry with me for my rather pathetic behaviour?

I often feel that the lack of communication could mean as much.

I know that I’m not special and I get that we’re taking about beings
who really dont have to stoop but sometimes
I just think that maybe I’ve
I’ve messed up my chances for working with these spirits,
I guess I fear rejection or that I’ve already been rejected.

I’m emotional,
rather lazy and I tend to be inconsistent and confused.

What do you think EA?

Am i waisting my time with this.
I’m not even sure why I’m where I am.
I don’t know why I think Satan is cool.
Its probably worth noting that Ive heard a Demon speak when I was young,
just a call by name and while in my late teens
I once saw one flash in the incense smoke next to my bed
so surely its not my unawakened faculties that can explain this silence.

Your perspecive would really be appreciated EA,
please give it to me straight.

I get a feeling that u are a chosen one of Lucifer so I would appreciate your say on my current predicament.

I hope I’ve typed this clearly enough to be understood.

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Thanks ¥’Berioth, I’ll definitely put more effort into that next time! Thanks for the feedback!

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Only you can decide what you want to do. That said, it is all normal, the ping ponging back and forth, the wanting to live for Jesus (mostly about wanting to belong to family and community) and other types of stuff, such as worrying about wasting a demons time.
There is plenty of information on this forum to take your practice to to the next level, make it more fulfilling, if you choose to do so.