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I was advised to make a journal to sort of openly acknowledge the little things that my spirit family and I achieve so that the achievements feel more tangible, real.
Some things today:
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To add up there ^
I’ve learned that the most important thing is knowing what you want and why. And having something to want…
I’ve always been pushed down and not allowed to want anything nor even allowed to say anything all of my life.
It’s been years now and it’s about time for me to state for myself that I want to live, and put myself first.
I honestly still don’t know what I want and that feels okay. It feels okay to focus on fun the most. But, regardless there are still concrete things I do know I need, or should do:
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We accomplished a big reclamation of self today! Thank you Belial.
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Thank you Belial, my whole entire spirit family!! I had a major win today regarding financials. Thank you everyone for helping me break the chains that were held over me via worldly means.
This means I can start fresh concerning everything to do with money.
Now, this also means that Mammon and I can enact plans regarding cultivating an actually healthy relationship with money.
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Things I have realized:
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I deeply loved this song a lot before I really took in the lyrics. It felt like it was painting what was in my soul. It’s like. How fake everything is, how it’s all right in my face. But ironically making fun of it while seeing it for what it is and attaining " the dream" while making it my own in my own way.
I want you to reach out your hand to me.
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Got back a key part of my self recently.
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I have my life refocused on me again.
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Don’t comment on my journal.
I think that there are a lot of things I want to talk about. I am genuinely always so sad. My whole life I’ve been sad. There’s always an overflow of emotions that are so blue that there is nothing else. It is so dark to the point that it’s absolutely black.
Coming to terms with that has been really hard. It’s each day seeing just how deep it goes. Like, each day discovering a trauma that is so disgusting that I cannot function. How everything has been affecting me my whole life and I’ve never got the chance to say it. And it just really hurts, like, when you see yourself as a child and you’re like, why. It’s even worse seeing it in your art that you drew in the past and realizing what you were trying to say to even yourself inside was screaming at you the whole time, to the point it screamed at you through every single recreational activity you do. The songs I’ve always made up for fun, the lyrics in them. Sculptures. Stories. All of it was me trying to scream out, or was me at my absolute worst, being in a high-control, supervised, brainwashed, no-bodily-autonomy state and all that came out WASN’T me, just my tormentors speaking through me.
But I just see myself as a child and it hurts me so much. Like, I am ABSOLUTELY still this baby that got hurt by literally everyone in her way. And she’s just…
I’m just… nothing. I am not even a person. I am not even ANYTHING. Just… that. And it’s all dark in that expanse, and “that” is a black, crumbled, deformity. I want to say I cry, but there’s only screaming.
And ultimately that’s how I see myself. Only that. Every time, every moment, and no one can convince me otherwise.
That’s all I see, all the time. and it’s so so so so so so so so so so scary.
That thing cannot DO ANYTHING.
But it’s like torn to shreds being forced to move and do things it doesn’t want to. CAN’T PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY do. I can’t even say “EMOTIONALLY” do because I wasn’t allowed the “grace” to have emotions.
And they call it, “it” and worse. Anything they want to. Anything that makes it hurt.
And I so, so desperately want to TALK about the horrors, and atrocities it faced. But all I can see is… it. All I am is… it and IT isn’t allowed to talk.
IT wasn’t even allowed to say THIS.
And, my soul family really loves me and wants me to understand that I AM POWERFUL. AND (WITH RAGE) I AM DEFINITELY NOT A **** THING. ***
That’s why they want me to write a book about what I’ve experienced and what they know about me that I can’t even say myself.
That’s why it’s really important to US that I make art that I OWN, THAT IS MINE, that I use to express who I am.
They want me to have everything I’ve never had.
But, I can’t… I can’t do it anymore. I’ve been doing this for such a long time.
I’ve tried, through the control, through the pain, to do everything I can, every day.
Even though all I COULD actually do is just, stare through my body that I couldn’t even control.
I GENUINELY cannot do it anymore. And I want to say that to my soul family. Just let me go let me go let me go or … “can you see what I am facing? All facets of it?” And then I just am gone.
If it was possible, I would.
It feels questionable to say, but my soul family feels like “them,” because I’m not allowed to leave.
Ah, you’re my master now.
Master. Master. Master. Master.
Ever since I was allowed to have a thought, that’s all that was streamlined into my brain.
Master. Master. Master.
My soul family want me to know…
like,
with them… all I’ve EVER experienced with them has been happiness. Actually, they are the ones who taught me what that is. I’m really grateful for that. Joy, playing, learning what that is. Being an ACTUAL CHILD. And I have a name.
I remember that when all I see is the crumbled, black, rotted, baby. I remember that I am actually in a rainbow expanse, playing, laughing, giggling, THERE’S SLIDES, and I am a glittering, sparkling, baby instead.
And that makes me really happy.
but.
help. Help me.
My whole life all I’ve been forced into is situations where I HAVE TO SERVE OTHERS.
Can you please help not make me do it myself again?
And it feels like I am forced to spiral into nothingness until there is only the remains of what I was forced to be.
The remains of what I was forced to be.
I don’t think there is an ending where I am happy.
It’s important to write, and audibly say all of this, because it needs to be realized. I am not my oppressors. I am not the product of my oppressors. I will not bury how I feel anymore.
And that is a win.
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There are good things that have happened recently. Too many to the point it overflows.
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It’s Halloween! Today, I feel a gigantic shift in my life that will project me where I want to go.
And there are some more things that I should talk about for myself:
