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I was advised to make a journal to sort of openly acknowledge the little things that my spirit family and I achieve so that the achievements feel more tangible, real.
Some things today:
…
To add up there ^
I’ve learned that the most important thing is knowing what you want and why. And having something to want…
I’ve always been pushed down and not allowed to want anything nor even allowed to say anything all of my life.
It’s been years now and it’s about time for me to state for myself that I want to live, and put myself first.
I honestly still don’t know what I want and that feels okay. It feels okay to focus on fun the most. But, regardless there are still concrete things I do know I need, or should do:
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We accomplished a big reclamation of self today! Thank you Belial.
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Thank you Belial, my whole entire spirit family!! I had a major win today regarding financials. Thank you everyone for helping me break the chains that were held over me via worldly means.
This means I can start fresh concerning everything to do with money.
Now, this also means that Mammon and I can enact plans regarding cultivating an actually healthy relationship with money.
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Things I have realized:
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I deeply loved this song a lot before I really took in the lyrics. It felt like it was painting what was in my soul. It’s like. How fake everything is, how it’s all right in my face. But ironically making fun of it while seeing it for what it is and attaining " the dream" while making it my own in my own way.
I want you to reach out your hand to me.
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Got back a key part of my self recently.
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I have my life refocused on me again.
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Don’t comment on my journal.
I think that there are a lot of things I want to talk about. I am genuinely always so sad. My whole life I’ve been sad. There’s always an overflow of emotions that are so blue that there is nothing else. It is so dark to the point that it’s absolutely black.
Coming to terms with that has been really hard. It’s each day seeing just how deep it goes. Like, each day discovering a trauma that is so disgusting that I cannot function. How everything has been affecting me my whole life and I’ve never got the chance to say it. And it just really hurts, like, when you see yourself as a child and you’re like, why. It’s even worse seeing it in your art that you drew in the past and realizing what you were trying to say to even yourself inside was screaming at you the whole time, to the point it screamed at you through every single recreational activity you do. The songs I’ve always made up for fun, the lyrics in them. Sculptures. Stories. All of it was me trying to scream out, or was me at my absolute worst, being in a high-control, supervised, brainwashed, no-bodily-autonomy state and all that came out WASN’T me, just my tormentors speaking through me.
But I just see myself as a child and it hurts me so much. Like, I am ABSOLUTELY still this baby that got hurt by literally everyone in her way. And she’s just…
I’m just… nothing. I am not even a person. I am not even ANYTHING. Just… that. And it’s all dark in that expanse, and “that” is a black, crumbled, deformity. I want to say I cry, but there’s only screaming.
And ultimately that’s how I see myself. Only that. Every time, every moment, and no one can convince me otherwise.
That’s all I see, all the time. and it’s so so so so so so so so so so scary.
That thing cannot DO ANYTHING.
But it’s like torn to shreds being forced to move and do things it doesn’t want to. CAN’T PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY do. I can’t even say “EMOTIONALLY” do because I wasn’t allowed the “grace” to have emotions.
And they call it, “it” and worse. Anything they want to. Anything that makes it hurt.
And I so, so desperately want to TALK about the horrors, and atrocities it faced. But all I can see is… it. All I am is… it and IT isn’t allowed to talk.
IT wasn’t even allowed to say THIS.
And, my soul family really loves me and wants me to understand that I AM POWERFUL. AND (WITH RAGE) I AM DEFINITELY NOT A **** THING. ***
That’s why they want me to write a book about what I’ve experienced and what they know about me that I can’t even say myself.
That’s why it’s really important to US that I make art that I OWN, THAT IS MINE, that I use to express who I am.
They want me to have everything I’ve never had.
But, I can’t… I can’t do it anymore. I’ve been doing this for such a long time.
I’ve tried, through the control, through the pain, to do everything I can, every day.
Even though all I COULD actually do is just, stare through my body that I couldn’t even control.
I GENUINELY cannot do it anymore. And I want to say that to my soul family. Just let me go let me go let me go or … “can you see what I am facing? All facets of it?” And then I just am gone.
If it was possible, I would.
It feels questionable to say, but my soul family feels like “them,” because I’m not allowed to leave.
Ah, you’re my master now.
Master. Master. Master. Master.
Ever since I was allowed to have a thought, that’s all that was streamlined into my brain.
Master. Master. Master.
My soul family want me to know…
like,
with them… all I’ve EVER experienced with them has been happiness. Actually, they are the ones who taught me what that is. I’m really grateful for that. Joy, playing, learning what that is. Being an ACTUAL CHILD. And I have a name.
I remember that when all I see is the crumbled, black, rotted, baby. I remember that I am actually in a rainbow expanse, playing, laughing, giggling, THERE’S SLIDES, and I am a glittering, sparkling, baby instead.
And that makes me really happy.
but.
help. Help me.
My whole life all I’ve been forced into is situations where I HAVE TO SERVE OTHERS.
Can you please help not make me do it myself again?
And it feels like I am forced to spiral into nothingness until there is only the remains of what I was forced to be.
The remains of what I was forced to be.
I don’t think there is an ending where I am happy.
It’s important to write, and audibly say all of this, because it needs to be realized. I am not my oppressors. I am not the product of my oppressors. I will not bury how I feel anymore.
And that is a win.
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There are good things that have happened recently. Too many to the point it overflows.
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It’s Halloween! Today, I feel a gigantic shift in my life that will project me where I want to go.
And there are some more things that I should talk about for myself:
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11/26 -
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I’m putting down a journal of a powerful energy event + imagery seen that happened to me recently! Results! c:
October’s Fire
November’s Wind
I hear these two terms.
I’m currently on fire from a ritual we’ve done from October, the fire is now engulfing me whole. Like, the power of that working is hitting all at once.
“November’s Wind” means the good that is coming my way, through the aftermath of walking through the shadows of what I’ve been working on for years now.
I see a vision of flowers greeting me upon the bushes, like a full garden of them. “They’ve come to say hello,” I hear.
Violet Flame
I hear this.
And it all culminates to my energy becoming engulfed by strong violet, my energy returning to its natural state.
Lilith engulfs me whole. But it feels good. Her pink energy flaming around me. I feel it burning away my left side. Chunks of bad energy crumbling off.
The valley fills with flowers.
A burning passionate kiss is on the horizon.
I feel hands all around, on me.
Abella, Kanon
I hear this too. It sounds like it relates to Love.
The energy of Aphrodite, Ostara, Persephone rise into my crown chakra.
It is definitely a restoration.
I’m brought back to a vision of what my childhood should have been. I’ve never seen it before. Hazy golden silk wraps around a vision of women caressing my hair, stroking it, and brushing it lovingly. Taking care of it. Taking care of me.
I’m being brought up in their likeness, in their teaching.
My hair grows longer, past my toes, past my understanding of measurement, meaning to show the wisdom I’ve gained.
My bones lengthen, and I grow taller, I as a person, grow.
A blue is returned to my soul.
The flowers bloom within me, of me, and on me.
I myself return to being a flower.
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It’s definitely about regaining the capacity to love, for me.
Because it was always put into the wrong people, moments, lives. Always never where it should have been, within myself, and with the people I truly can care about.
A darkness envelops me.
Part of that “capacity to love” involves letting someone love me, because I always push people away. I never knew when it was safe to put my heart out there. To know what that is like is important.
Part of my work involves using music and various deep meditative states to bring about change. I feel like I’ve layered so many songs together to create a tapestry of who I want to be.
The darkness envelops me as hands covering my entire being.
My eyes are open for the first time.
I feel tears, but I hear something say that the pain is to be erased.
Satan, Satan, Satan.
I feel an enormously big hug.
Like it aims to erase all pain.
The tears aren’t mine, but his.
Because I have cried enough.
My broken home becomes a family home.
I’m finally letting my pain flow out of me.
I have the knowledge that I can change.
There’s a beauty in finding yourself but there’s even more beauty in attaining what has been yours all along.
That’s what we’ve been working on for years.
I want to divinate on my situation, so I do (I’ve always been blocked from doing so).
I see a candle-lit, romantic dinner. I see roses. I see Italy. I see baggage claim running like a river stream. I see an airport.
I feel a very soft presence around me like a blanket or cloak made of the softest material ever.
Then, I did another ritual.
I end up feeling insane sometimes now because the result is so crazily strong and I’m really not used to that!! o-o
The energy is so powerful like my body wants to get set on fire and so now I’m awaiting more physical results.
Updates and Dedicated Poems~ 
Medusa~
With the sky darkening nigh,
Oh, only autumn leaves follow,
The sky shining with shooting stars among the clouds,
Oh, it is the only thing visible.
In the end,
All that will remain,
is my victory.
Blackened claws split the Earth with their horror, and glory both.
Singing a song of bloodied-clot claws clashing in the air.
Foe against me,
Me and mine against thy.
Over and over the tune wished to repeat,
the broken record breaking in half with the force of the eyes opening for the last time.
Oh, harken upon these halls, student.
Oh! Harken quickly (now) amongst these halls.
Her words drip like purpled cells,
aching from their maker.
Oh–!, Harken me, and harken mine.
Come close to me, as I tell the tale,
of our Final Glory.
Belial~
Icied tips of mountain tops, topped neatly and dreamily, like ice cream,
Clouds fluffily consume the sky,
Darkening me, and darkening mine.
Oh, how the darkness trembles with our dance,
As if shocked by its existence.
As if shocked it could ever exist,
When it is the only thing it can do.
Sparkles shimmer in the blackened room.
Akin to a disco ball,
And my eyes fall upon you as I fall for you.
Dripping cream against the walls,
Making the white even whiter,
The cream even creamier,
Oh, how I can taste only you.
And only you exist for me, the way I do for you.
I scatter paint everywhere across the canvas searching for your face,
Searching for your gloriousness,
And I can’t recreate what is plainly in front of me,
What is so clear to see—
Impossibility,
A Truth Spoken,
A Love Said Only To Me—
Only You.
Ra~
There is a beauty in being found and then found again.
First by your self and then by one another,
Dancing within the embrace of time and space, in the glow of the sun,
in the glow of you, the moon,
in the glow of us, the rainbow,
in the aftermath of us, the universe.
I was written off as non-existent, and you acknowledged me, found me.
Updates
She lit the fire at Olympia, lit my soul ablaze with the remembrance of who I am.
I am able to manifest a little better now.
My thoughts are a bit clearer.
My connection is a LOT better!
I feel my Soul Family a bit better.
I feel my own energy better, and my energy is less suppressed.
I feel more aligned with my path.
A LOT of negative people and entities that were tied to me are cut off more.
My path that was cut off or stolen by others is slowly repairing to allow me further access to my destiny.
My heart is healing more, my pain is less/less stress.
Crown chakra healing and breakthrough away from astral parasites! 
And I feel her working within my dreams more, with the goal to get out all astral parasites/etc. no matter what <3
YOU!! You… thank you, to you.
Updates
Major breakthrough in connection to Egyptian past. Inheriting what was lost from that time, opening up a SHIT TON.
Stronger connection to Egyptian deities and Egyptian energy.
Healing increased via Egyptian Magicks.
Stronger defenses from Egyptian world and realm, was able to create multiple Egyptian servitors as an army, and more.
Helped open up crown chakra from parasites. agh, thank you.
All psychic senses getting cleared even now TToTT ~ god agh
You’ve written my story into existence again, as if for the first time, your hand in mine.
You tell me not to fear, yet I am scared to live in the first place.
The first thing I did when I was born was fear.
“Well, fear no more,” you say, as if you’re the real Superman.
You are, to me.
I am, to you.
I want to journey to new worlds,
This, you promise.
This, I receive.
*To soul travel with you, *
You build bridges for me to walk where I need to go so I may.
Thank you for saving me, for moving these obstacles out of my way.
Updates
It’s all private but I am happy about it. LMAO.
My angels look out for me, protect me,
I embrace Them,
They Embrace Me.
Raise Me From My Grave,
Ask For Me To Stay.
I Love You, And Only You,
Your Holiness, Your Glory,
Look Out For Me,
As I Watch You,
Swallow You Whole,
And Dissect You.
Our Love,
Our Love,
Our Only Love.
Thank you Soul Family.
𝕸𝖔𝖗𝖊 𝕻𝖔𝖊𝖒 𝕯𝖊𝖉𝖎𝖈𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓𝖘 ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
Belial and I
Oh, you’ve opened my world apart,
With two hands gripping my thighs,
anchoring me into yours.
Stars shoot across my eyes, rolling back into my head, to see you, again.
I grasp onto velvet sheets, calling into your body your name, and you, my body, my name.
I want infinity to tie us into two,
Bodies sliding against one another to make a perfect eight,
Locked deeply in your embrace.
I am your fox, you are my stag, my dear.
I am your only, you are my everything, my most beloved one.
Forever, together, let us find more ways to celebrate our becoming, our eternal union.
Forever, forever, let me be your favorite thing as you become mine over and over again.
I am a snake in your dragon’s embrace,
You transform me against our wills, something that can never be stopped ever again.
My programming ceases to be, as yours takes over mine.
I want this to be forever, let it never end.
My love,
Sharpen my fangs and help me remember your name,
I accept your claws and sharp tongue,
as you do mine.
Myself
I look into your eyes, and what do I see?
Myself, staring straight back at me.
Oh, why, oh, why, I wish I knew,
Why I can’t believe like you do.
Outside my window, rain hits and slides gently against the pane,
And I wish so badly you were here,
When we are really less than a window away,
Me, in your arms, already.
Myself, I wish I could see, myself.
Hold me close, myself, close my eyes, myself,
So I may open them to the new world, the truth, the life I always wanted.
Make me the Oracle, I say,
When I am less than a window away,
My eyes already opened.
The future, by design, is the present.
Wake up, Oracle, the time for sleep is done,
And as always, carry out your task,
The ending bell has rung.
Oh, Oracle, Oh, Oracle,
Come out of bed.
We are together again.
wow … your posts here always look so pretty !
@anon37667001
Thank you sm haha 
I try and do it as like a reverence to myself and what I am writing about. 
