Specifically in the last 72 hours.
My passion is my superpower. It is also an incredibly dangerous thing. The burning fire of great love and compassion can turn into a raging inferno of hate and anger so fast that you’ll be left wondering what the hell happened. There is also still a great darkness within me. A hunger and a need to vent my fury and wrath. To hurt and be hurt. To seek revenge against everyone and everything that is. I am an addict and that it my drug of choice.
Neither of these things are evil or good. They simply are. I can’t suppress them. I tried that for most of my life and they just turned inward against me. I became my own best punching bag and, worse still, I would use other people as weapons against myself. It was toxic and it was awful and I’m glad it’s behind me. I also can’t just let them out. They’re dangerous caged animals and they will tear anything they can find apart, if I let them. I need to keep them on a tight leash until they… I… can find some more healing.
The key to these things is to observe the person I become around others. Does this person make me peaceful and content? Do they cool the fire without extinguishing it? Or do they feed the fire? Stoke it? Poke the bear knowing damn well what will happen when they do? I need to be intentional about who I allow into my life.
Finally, and this was maybe the hardest and most exhausting lesson of them all…
When we can’t or won’t see some part of ourselves, The Great Whatever™️ has a great way of holding up a mirror as that shadow given human form in someone else. It’s curious how different the experiences of accepting something in ourselves and accepting that very same thing in someone else are. I don’t know which is easier but I do know that they are both sometimes hard.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m emotionally and physically exhausted and I’ve been lying here for an hour and a half trying to get to sleep but failing utterly. I feel Mother calling me to Her side. Good night.
