I’m glad to read that. I hope the very best day to you. Filled with success and progress!
Keep rockin’! 
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I know this post is old but I was drawn to it and well I know why now.
Honestly let me start by saying how I LOVE this post of yours. It’s not like many others because I can FEEL your love,pain,hurt,happiness through your words on here.
As I was reading them I couldn’t stop saying “omg I TOTALLY get it! I am experiencing THE same thing!” Because honestly right now I am. But just slightly different.
Unlike you who got angry, I honestly talk down on myself. Saying how for example “why would someone so grate want a ugly whore like myself?”
Like you I have pushed and pushed and pushed him and my feelings away out of fear. Fear that I was wrong. Fear that it was all in my head.
Today I have asked for help on extreme emotional venting and purging. While I was walking home I couldn’t help but to be listening to this one song and thinking about my own past. So I come back into these very forums looking for ANYTHING that I can find to help me understand myself a bit better and what I am going through. I came to your post and well though it’s not about the person in question your experiences and especially your feelings are almost mirror image of mine.
I don’t want to take up to much of your space with my gibberish but I just want to take the time to thank you for posting this as well as Sitri for what he has done to basically get you to experience what you have (though painful to say the least) but through that pain you and him have helped another see some understanding in her own madness that is going on with her at this time. So yes thank you. 
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OP was banned, so she’s not going to see this.
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Altho op is banned from seeing this. I read your reply and just out of curiosity who are you in a relationship with ? Is it a demon or deity by any chance
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I was not aware of this. That’s quite depressing. And as for who well I’m not quite ready yet to say. The reason being is because I’m still trying to determine if it is actually what I believe it is or if it’s close but not quite.
But what I can safely say is not only they have been in my life this whole time and I was not aware of it despite me knowing things about them that I just recently got confirmation as well as knowing it is that person in question. I also somehow shared past lives with them.
Once I feel comfortable enough I’ll come out. ^^
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I really love that for you. I hope everything goes greatly and smoothly for you. 
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