Journal Of Strange Things

[Cabbagesaurus]

26/09

Life is taking a dip. I’m starting to see repeating numbers and was pulled back here again. It’s like I conquered a chapter of life, was allowed a brief period of respite and now we are delving back in, trying to fight, learn and overcome what life throws at me.

Am I improving mentally? Maybe. I have doubts but I try to stay hopeful. I learned sword banishing from Damon Brand today. When I performed it, a tingle in the crown of my head. Same as when I prepare and even as I type now, I feel a tingle, like I’m wearing a crown?

I get it sometimes when I am meditating, and honestly as much as I don’t want to parade that I am special and wow I am psychic, I get the feeling it’s from doing these sorts of activities.

Am I holding myself back by trying to squash myself by saying “Be real, you are nothing special you are just an ordinary human” to be humble, while knowing I am a complete nutcase? I do not know. I do not know of many of the questions that are surfacing nor their answers, but I know I want to hide away from the world because I am far too tired to deal with any of this anymore.

The world I carved out to be a place of love had collapsed. Exploded in a fury and I was left with ruins. I sat there on my knees before the ruined site, in a tattered dress in my minds eye, wondering why, and thinking that I’d had enough of trying to build a place that everyone talks about. I worked so hard, I was so happy and proud, and yet it ended up like this again. I’m okay sitting alone in my mindscape, in the ruins of what once was, and while being broken, allow time to heal everything. I don’t want to watch what I built crumble again.

I live for myself, and myself alone. I act for myself. I am tired of chains, and I wish to become “Real” because once I am real, I am authentic and myself. I cannot be ugly, except to those who do not understand. And I suppose, it really doesn’t make a difference there, because people do not understand me well in the first place.

[Cabbagesaurus]

30/09

I managed to predict my coworker’s birthday being born on a certain day. I feel proud of myself for trusting my instinct for once, but unfortunately I didn’t tell anyone so I can’t gloat. Still, it gave me a huge confidence boost.

I still haven’t memorized the sword banishing, but doing it makes the top of my head tingle. And images sort of conjure themselves, moreso than me forcibly visualising? But either way, I need to do it twice a day but I only remember at the end of the day to do it.

I had an interesting train of thought. My therapist mentioned to me that I was someone who was very individual, and would fight for my rights and the things I wanted. In my eyes I am too lazy for this, but if there is small injustice that I can fight for, I can and will. Then today, a certain friend who constantly infuriates me, brought up something related to this. That she would rather sit down and take it lying down, because inevitably she is powerless. Will lie and let it happen. But I won’t let it go. And while sometimes I think people say I have to let the things go where I can’t change them, I think it’s more important that it doesn’t become all consuming, and that it’s okay to not let go of injustices and thinking that xyz is stupid. Thinking about this kind of personality trait reminded me of Lucifer, how in the myths he was cast out for rebelling. How the LHP promotes you to view god within yourself, and not be bound. You are individual and free. Perhaps this is the path for me? I do not know.

Holding an empty title, and to have everything I desire while other people cried and scream… I’d rather be poor and die a terrible death, if I could be sure of myself and that I really did everything I believed in, and showed it to the world. With this, did I conquer something internal in me?

[Cabbagesaurus]

13/12

It has been a while, I took a break. I screamed in my mind, that I had enough of these synchronicities, and I was afraid of how my thoughts kept manifesting, no matter how throwaway they were. And they vanished. For a bit of time there was some calm.

And then I wanted it all back. I’m okay with continuing, and I’ve rested enough. It just felt very abnormal to not have dreams with meanings behind them, or coincidences line up too perfectly as always. And we’re back. I need to get back into banishing and meditating regularly. The ringing in my ears hasn’t returned yet that usually occurs very often. But at least I’m not getting attacked again.

I can’t hear the spirits still, and my ability to sense energy is still weak, but I can somewhat have a sense of things that will happen. Premonition? Intuition?

Either way, I’ll try and work harder to develop them. Though recently, it’s been extra depressing and isolating. Especially after I did a spell for someone so that they would stop dreaming of unpleasant dreams. It worked, and it is still holding (amazingly, for someone of my calibur), and then have them turn around and say “but how do you know it worked and isn’t just a coincidence?”. How do I explain occurrences that don’t have reason, meaning or logic behind them? I think asking this sort of question in itself is a trap, you’re asking for the impossible. I don’t believe blindly, but I don’t need to always have an answer either, which sounds contradictory, but it’s on the spectrum of grey I think.

Overall, I’m just bitter that I expended myself, time, effort and energy (what little I have), for someone else’s sake only for them to turn around and be like this. I wonder if the spirits feel the same when the magicians treat them that way?

[Cabbagesaurus]

14/9

Three petitions. I think that it is a lot, and it is to different spirits for different things, so it might be okay. I used my emotions and malice behind the petitions for they are not all good in nature.

I never thought of trying to manipulate someone with a spell before. But now I really want it. I fear for my safety sometimes, so if I can manipulate or even brainwash them to be calm and serene, that would be good.

I’m not exactly certain how, but I have intention, I just need to channel the energy. After the three petitions, I do feel very sleepy but I think that’s just general lack of energy.

May it come true, please. The anger I felt has subsided but I do not regret the petitions. I hope the spirits heard me…

And if they don’t want to do the petition, to come and tell me.
For now I need to ground myself and my emotions. I’m in a mess.

[Cabbagesaurus]

18/12

A dream. Everytime I dream of my house, it’s always linked to spirit activity. The contents of the dream are unimportant, but they featured my father, and another male figure who I sincerely don’t care for.

Both of them were asleep, but when the male figure woke up, he was acting strangely aggressive and cruel, much like my father. But it was odd, the me in the dream knew them to be shy and timid, yet nice. There was a slip up, and the male referred to himself as my father, and I gasped. It’s a spirit or a parasite that controls my father? And it went to the wrong container- dreams can be nonsense. I saw my dad wake up, and was calm and confused.

I didn’t have enough sense to do banishing in the dream, I wasn’t lucid. But it does make me wonder if my father is a host to many parasites. Mother did mention that his personality took a 180 one day out of the blue. But if that’s the case, banishing parasites that have been living for 20 years is not going to end well for me.

I wish I could really talk to a knowledgeable spirit, or I was better at divination to get answers. Maybe my father really is just a madman after all, and there’s nothing more to it. That’s okay too.

Recently it has been isolating, because I received poorly executed sympathy for my horrible situation. Just made feel even more isolated and sad. Now I just want to curl up alone, because that’s reality. Being alone again.

[Cabbagesaurus]

23/12

It’s cold and dark where I am, in my mental state. I’m still walking through a really dark night, but bit by bit, I noticed the twinkling stars that carpeted the sky, that while were not enough to cast away the darkness nor chase away the cold, was mesmerizing to behold and sparked a tiny bit of hope in me, that lifted the burdens. I’m a person who is a step away from spouting pure poetry when I talk… unfortunately.

I reflected a little today, that I think people really lack empathy. I got yelled at by an angry customer, despite my best intentions. And thinking about the insensitivity of some of my friends and family, and the people I have met, made me wonder whether there’s any hope for social creatures who have a desperate need for companionship, to not have the empathy and compassion to make connections to fulfill that need. Instead, their selfish instinct is overpowering and overwhelming, I wonder why? I feel a little sorry for them. Whoever designed humans, or rules over humans is quite silly.

In terms of more magical things, I’ve been neglecting because I had some sleeping issues. But those aside, I need to stop holding onto that ill willed spell, because it’s also wrecking havoc on myself I think. I also want to do something for my friend. Thinking that I could have asked in the request thread for my own personal gain, but instead I gave it up for someone else’s sake, seems very like me. I can’t be a villain after all, I’m inevitably too soft for that. Ahaha;; I’ll try and do something for my friend, no matter how small.

I learned about warding today. It uses mental projections? Servitors? I’m not sure. I think I created thoughtforms or something similar but not powerful to help me through the tough times. But I think with magic, a lot of things boil down to intent. There seems to be infinite ways of doing something. Then what makes something a spell? Intent? What purpose does chanting and drawing circles do? I’m so curious because I’d like to make my own spells. Are they to solidify intent or convey that which is difficult to describe? Turning feelings to words that other people can understand?

I will use my art abilities and imagination to create my own wards and servitors perhaps. Not anything particularly sentient… or capable of individual thought. I must take care of myself. Sometimes I think there’s a parasite sitting in my heart, stuffing itself from my misery. But I have lived so long like this, if there was one, I would not know.

If magic is manipulation of causality, bending it to my will so that I am a singularity (not literal, but referencing an idea from a game)… if it manifests intents…? That’s something I noticed through different ways of magic achieving one goal. The tools, the words and magic and spells serve to set one’s mind in a state to have the intent be proper? I don’t know how to convey it well.

Thinking about how my friend is in the worst situation… makes me want to cry so much. I’m so worried for her. Become a living god? Manipulate causality? If I could really do those things, I wish I could fix all the wrongs in this world. Truly, life is miserable and I cannot wait for it to be all over…

[Cabbagesaurus]

26/12

Sleep paralysis. Screw what everyone has told me about sleep paralysis being caused by stress. I’ve had greater stresses in my life without sleep paralysis. And it vanished for some time, and reappears again, not during stressful periods of time, but a rather calm one.

This time I am able to hear a voice. It’s still all a mess and I can’t make out anything, besides that it’s a high tone voice. I… sort of fell asleep but wasn’t in the state of actual sleep. It’s weird. I’ve often read (because I have sleeping problems), that it takes some time to enter the dream state, but in my exhaustion and insomnia, sometimes it happens instantaneously and I snap out of it quickly. Who knows. But what I saw was- similar to what I saw in today’s dream. Two digits, in a bright red. But these digits were spinning, as though they were waiting to stop. Whatever could it mean?

I think I peered into another world, or it wasn’t really much of a dream, because I remembered this time to do the Lesser Banishing. I really struggled to do it under stress though, and I phased in and out of saying it in my head (in the dream) and actually saying it (when I phased back into reality). I also couldn’t do the second part very well, but the struggling stopped. I think I should do the sword banishing in these cases because it is faster.

I don’t think it’s a dream, it doesn’t feel like one (though it is similar). The speed at which I entered it, my ability to wake myself through fear, despite paralysis, the distorted sound in my ears and the same thing in the dream… When I say, ‘it’s just a dream, this occult thing is just a phase!’ I wonder if I could ever go back to living ignorantly?

I am worried. In me, I feel like I know I must go and find the answers in the spirits. And there’s a part of me that says, science says magic isn’t real. And the second part hurts me a lot. Especially when I recall the time I placed intention into a candle for a spell, streams of white smoke were escaping from it, though it was not lit. I turned to my friend, astounded and asked her, “Do you see this? The smoke? Something is coming out of this candle!” And she said she saw nothing. But it was so vivid! So real!

How can I say it doesn’t exist because most people say it doesn’t… was my obssession that tore at me with Dantalion, my talk with spirits in dreams, the energy that flowed around me, and strange intuition really just coincidence? I’m starting to see repeating numbers again too… there was a short period during my break they left me alone.

I feel very lost.

[Cabbagesaurus]

28/12

I think these headaches are caused by poor sleep schedules. I’m sleeping off sched again, and the back of my head hurts.

I’ll do a tarot reading of my own after this but, after I received that tarot reading it made me ponder. Visions? I don’t have one, or many anymore. Not as grandoise or beautiful. No, I just envision peace and healing. When I tried to think about it, I began to cry and was puzzled at my reaction. What happened? Something I’m not well aware of it seems.

I made a list. On one side are things I can have, and listed on it is a pattern of wanting to heal and be left alone. Forgiveness, to find peace, things like that. On the other side are things I wish I could have that are beyond or perceived to be beyond reality. They are things like love, acceptance, breaking curses and karma… but mostly the innate human desire of belonging.

It’s interesting to see my perspective split like this. For now, I think I need another painkiller and I’ll try and rest as the tarot says to not expend all my energy on worthless things. I’m still unhappy over the rejection I face towards writing and art (e.g. my villain has to be ugly and evil looking??)

[Cabbagesaurus]

17/1

Depression from lack of sleep I believe. It’s something that’s not very logical because in my good moods, I sleep less.

Yesterday I began the protection ritual for 33 days. As I gazed at the talisman, I’m not sure if it was because it was very late, but it almost seemed to jump out at me. It had a very faint glow? Sort of…? And the lines vibrated- but as I said, it could be from exhaustion.

I sat down to meditate afterwards, and when I opened my eyes, I gazed upon waves and waves of energy. It swirled like a violent storm, I don’t know how better to describe it. It began to slowly coalesce before me, and in my worry (as I was going to sleep afterwards), I performed the sword banishing. The swirls stopped. The waves of energy thinned.

Interesting. Is this progression?

Regarding tarot readings, they all seem to speak about a goal, and to reconsider it. What goal is that? I’m very confused. For now, I’m sleep deprived so we’ll take things one at a time, and fix that before we focus on fixing other things.

[Cabbagesaurus]

26/1

Thought is supreme. My subconscious often brings up memories of the past- and I think… they are somewhat relevant to what I am feeling. It’s like it’s trying to tell me something, but it’s hard to understand.

I continued doing the ritual everyday but I think I messed up a few times. I’ll do some extra days to make up for it.
I feel a little… stronger with my energy. I don’t know how to say it but it’s like it’s more firm. The intuition is stronger and more certain.

[Cabbagesaurus]

6/2

Sleep Paralysis. I was trying to nod off because my headache is so horrible I can’t, but I was met with something worse.

In the dream, (doesn’t take long for me to start dreaming), I was… well what can I say, the only difference was my clothes and that the curtains were open. I was trying to do the exact same thing! Rest to get rid of my headache. But something, a scream, and paralysis washed over me in the dream, stunning and terrifying me. I tried my best to fight it, and I forgot about banishing. I was on the floor, wrestling with it, crawling along and I seem to have failed, as I woke up to reality, and had the same experience. It was like hearing the wind, and in the distance, a woman screaming.

I managed to wrangle free, and here we are. I should have banished but lesson learned I guess. My headache is really bad so I really wanted to rest but alas. Now I feel terrible. Shaky from my limbs getting paralyzed.

[Cabbagesaurus]

10/2

One thing I have always wanted to do, but much like in drawing, never managed to find the right resources is shadow work. Delving into the darker, unconscious side to bring forth repressed traumas and understand, forgive and let go of them.

I was poking my nose at some of these prompts when I realized that these are things that I am already doing or aware of, I just didn’t have a name for it. I relive bad memories and ask why. I see my behaviour and reactions, and ask why do I do these sorts of things? And I give myself forgiveness and put it aside.

I feel contented and in touch with my shadow self, but there is of course, still plenty to overcome.

Continuing to do the daily protection ritual, I feel a tiny smidgeon of its power.

[Cabbagesaurus]

20th July

I started meditating again. Depression has me in a stranglehold. I noticed ringing in my ears a few days ago, which I realized it’s been a LONG time since the last time my ears rang. Not sure what that’s about.

I was extremely upset and bottling up a lot of rage, also just because everything has been terrible, so I cast a new spell to bring lots of good things. It seemed to at least cancel out some of the bad things. But the main thing was that I was upset at someone and threw a curse their way.

I just thought “I curse you”, and now that person has been sick for three weeks. What a terrible coincidence.

[Cabbagesaurus]

2/9

Since the last time, the tarot cards said the curse worked, but I really shouldn’t have done it. My coworkers are at the doctors, but they couldn’t pinpoint what it was. Which makes me think it really did work? But I also think it’s coincidence. It’s coincidence surely.

Before I went to sleep, I asked the universe very casually for help on three aspects. I went to sleep, and in my dreams, I woke up in my bed, and it was dark. Night. And I saw a star above my bed. The star spoke to me, and I asked if they were Lucifer? The star said they were Stolas, so I asked if they could prove their identity, but I could not see a sigil. This deep voice was rather sassy and very proud and confident. I don’t remember much of the conversation besides them saying they had faith in me to use logic to define good and evil just being concepts of humans, but still afraid of demons? And I said that it was fear, and fear is difficult (or something along those lines). There was no promises of tasks, nothing of the sort. Just a conversation, from what I know.

What a strange dream. I wonder how to prove a spirit’s identity.