Journal Of Strange Things

Journals, Group Rituals & Free Readings
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I guess this will be the place where I write about the strange things that happen to me.
I don’t want to clutter the forum with every little thing so I’ll record them here.

I expect most of them will be about dreams.

May 22 - Two dreams

I dozed off reading, and had two strange dreams. They are very unlike the usual dreams I have.

The first, I can’t remember the details except whenI felt pain in my right ear after I somehow became lucid. I remember breaking out of the ‘rules of dreaming’ and saying “woah”. Excited, I was ready to have some fun in the dream, (and blow things up). Cut to the next scene because I forgot what came in between.

Someone or something was holding my left arm and shaking me… out of me…except it wasn’t really my arm (spirit me’s arm, I can feel like my body is lying down). I felt like my spirit was trying to leaving my body. I sense that I need to twist and turn for my spirit to “dislodge” out of my body and try it.

It’s like something or someone really wants me to astral project, but I’m no good at it (never done it and I can barely sense energy, let alone do a basic banish or cleanse an area). The main deal breaker time is the pain in the right side of my ear. It’s so painful that I feel like it’s going to rupture my eardrum or something that after a while of trying, I stop. I would say pain in dreams is strange but recently I’ve been able to feel pain in them, which is both strange and worrying, as I’ve become less invincible. Dream me has enough awareness to know they can tank anything…until that’s not the case anymore…

The second dream is even curiouser. I am in my house… sort of which is a sign that something is very off, as I never dream of being in my house unless its to do with spirits.
The spirits… I can’t see them, but I can sort of vaguely make them out as very faint outlines in people form. They’re not any angels, they’re… well, ordinary people? In true dream fashion, there was a strange logic that I couldn’t defy or I would become lucid, but it went along the lines of… I had problems. So spirits would come to me and talk to me to help me with these problems. The way I would hear them, is through myself. Like I was a vessel? I recall one was to help me with manipulation, and I asked for such. We talked a great deal about some insightful things but alas, I forgot them… for the best probably.

The spirits came to address some people in my past who were in another room in the house and being annoying to me. I only asked one for their name and they said “David”, and I mused that it was a fairly ordinary name in my surprise (Admitedly I expected some fantasy name). There was one spirit who bluntly told me “I’m not really that good for you. You know what to do right?” Which I asked if it was banishing and cleansing, and they agreed but I couldn’t help but feel like I was being deceived. That if I banished I would make things worse. I woke up before things continued.

All in all very strange. I’m not sure why something is adamant for me to astral project for, especially since I’m a novice who can barely feel energy. Maybe to hijack my body while I am gone? I don’t particularly sense anything bad like fear, just confusion at what’s happening.

It scares me a little, especially the second dream. Awake me knows not to deal with other beings without being fully prepared, which makes me wonder what the hell that was all about, and I’m surprised nothing came to attack me. I’d say I was easy pickings.

My curiosity of occult came from a wake terror and I wanted to protect myself. But it feels I may have fallen down a rabbit hole.

I wonder if there’s anything I can do, or should be doing. The dreams are curious when they’re harmless but can be terrifying. I’d like to sleep soundly. I’ve done a bit of reading on astral projection, but it seems beyond me right now, so I really don’t know why the dream is so adamant to yoink me out. It’s not the first time either.

All I can do is continue meditating and visualisation practice. Heck, I’ve been slacking off. I might get to doing tarot again.

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May 28/29

Practicing the lesser banishing of the pentagram. I can’t sense energy or see it as well as I used to. Today I felt a little light headed while doing it, or well, a sense of weight/heaviness during the banishing… not a good sign that I did it well or right;; I used to see energy gushing from my hands, and all around me. Particularly at night, I could see it like a fog, but not anymore. It’s like something in me has been blocked.

A strange dream yesterday. I saw the moon from “Earth” (was it?) but there were two. A smaller moon following after the regular moon. News that our planet had captured another moon? I remember only being captivated by the beauty of the moon at night… and forgot the rest of the dream. As usual;;

The sleep paralysis has stopped recently which is nice, despite my stresses going up. I get the sinking feeling the sleep paralysis is not from stress.

Reflecting…
Even if I am but a tiny wisp in the scheme of everything, I also want some things that were ripped from me. Hm… I dreamt of the ideal where I had those things and I couldn’t stop crying for a few hours. From pain? But I envisioned good things? It’s confusing why I cry from emotional pain at the thought of receiving good things. It’s something I can’t pinpoint well. I think it is fear and distrust. I think of myself like a wounded stray. A savage who will lash out when cornered. A survivor…?

When I think about it more, I have so many questions but I never thought to use my tarot deck to find the answers. I felt like it would be silly… which in itself is silly. I’ve had the tarot constantly tell me the same thing from other people (which is frustrating sometimes), and accurately pinpoint things… I’ll never forget the time I asked if I was a good person, and the first card that represented the question said exactly that. It made my heart jump.

I’m not good at reading, and not even sure how to get a yes or no response from tarot. I should check it out and practice. It’s been a long while, it might be good. I have a feeling it might.

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12/06/21

Since I got sick, I’ve been demotivated with living. But it’s time to try again.

For the past week my head was fuzzy that it was hard to sleep. But once I started meditating and doing banishing, it cleared up instantly. Coincidence, I think, or maybe just being relaxed helped things.

I did tarot reading again, but only two cards. They spoke of things that- well… they’re saying the same things as readings I get elsewhere.
Be determined. Your head and your heart are not in harmony.

I’m aware, but this can’t be fixed so easily.

I started being able to see energy a little bit again. I’ll try to be more dedicated.
I think I also understand what it means to be so relaxed that your body is unresponsive. But it’s really painful to enter/exit out of. But during that state, things I think of or envision become much more vivid. Maybe I’ll try visiting my constructed world during that state.

Trying to get back into art.

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15/06

It’s not even noon, and yet I already feel like I’ve lived enough today.
I really despise living. I stopped sleeping properly recently.

It’s always these times when I’m feeling extra bad that I think to myself “I’m going to evocate and get the spirit to straight up either fix this situation or end me.” But I’m not strong enough to fight off whatever comes along. Heck, I can’t muster up the energy to face the physical world.

I saw rider waite tarot at half price today, and snapped it up. I’ve wanted it for a fair few years now, but I was stingy and in love with my own deck. But it’s not bad to learn basics.

I drew a sigil for the first time, and I worried over its imperfections. I’m like that, it has to be perfect and spotless or something or someone will tear me down. That’s the environment I lived in and I hate it.

Hate. I got sick and tired of crying everyday so I wanted to use the malice I felt towards the coldness of others to motivate me. In doing so, would I be able to change my life and in a way transmute this immense amount of negative energy (sincerely, I’m like a negativity factory), into something like light?
I don’t know. I’m uncertain.

I think I can memorize the banishing ritual now, while doing it I caught the sight of a purple light orb. Probably just my eyes. I took a salt bath to cleanse myself, though I didn’t feel much. The blockage must be internal.

I tried doing the energy ball exercise again today, but it feels different. Normally I can feel a stinging sensation from the center of my palms, like they’re being burnt lightly. But not today, though the energy ball was somewhat there I think.

I should really get back into tarot readings but I think it’s my fear of failure and desire to be perfect that stops me, and keeps making it time consuming.

I’ll try and commit for 30 days. And if not, meditating.
I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing during meditation besides becoming so relaxed I can barely move, and some visualisation practice. I can’t hold images in my minds eye for very long, though they are vivid (as expected of an artist). I can’t deceive my senses well enough to make myself believe that its real (I doubt its the point), but imaginations still pretty okay.

I’m not sure if I really can enter into a meditative state so quickly, but I do zone out or enter into “head in the clouds” mode very easily. I like daydreaming. But I bet they are seperate things.

Ah, I did try pendulum divination today. But it didn’t go well. I don’t like the idea of myself being influenced to do muscle twitches. I’d end up moving it to what I want to hear. I’ll stick with tarot.

I want to scan and scry a little too, but they are scary… I’ll focus on developing my senses so I can learn to shield and protect… I do want to try the lucky seed spell. It seems harmless enough.

Reflecting on karma, I can only think that I must have been a horrible person, learning and repenting in this life…

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16/06

Banishing and meditation. After banishing I always feel… strange. I can’t pinpoint it, but when I’m done it’s… ??? something’s different. Wonder if it’s my perception of just the ritual ending?

Reflecting on fate and trust. The cards, the readings I have gotten from others all say the same thing. And one of those things is “trust”. Trust in the process. Trust that everything will be okay. Trust in yourself
I realize right now it’s something I’m not good at. Trusting others, let alone an energy or will that I can’t perceive.
Today as well I was let down, tomorrow I’ll also be let down. I struggle to have faith in myself when I should.
Maybe it’s okay to stop clinging so hard to this fleeting physical reality that I perceive. Maybe it’s okay to sit back and say, “I leave it to you, universe.” and be the leaf in the river. I was always a leaf in a river, but I struggled to avoid obstacles. But maybe it’s okay to let the currents take me, and the wind to carry me occasionally, to a place unknown. To a place needed…?

After meditating today, I saw within myself this… purple black orb. I peered into myself for a split second? And there is this orb, and it’s sticky and dripping with a thick, purple ooze. And for a moment I think, I felt it was my center. My anger, resentment, malice and negativity that fuelled me.

It’s my core…? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s just my mind and wandering thoughts.

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17/06

Good news came in today. And something strange came about. I don’t know what to think of them. But one thing… I am very sure about is that within that group I am part of, I have become someone rather unlikeable. At least, perceived as such, because in my perspective, I won’t kiss up to people nor do I go particularly ham.

That’s fine. I don’t really respect people who…do what that person is doing. Well we used to get along, and now not so much anymore. I’ve become a boring thing to them. So I’ll be sad about it, and then move on and one day be glad the trash took itself out…

Till then, fighting. I wonder if these coincidences were because of my guides… or it’s just a coincidence… I had a strange dream last night but I can’t remember it at all. Except that it felt familiar…
In that dream though, I experienced a lot of rejection and people not listening to me for seemingly silly reasons, two things I don’t deal with well. It seemed out of the blue, but today I was prepping myself for that rejection.

What does it mean to have healthy self esteem? What does it mean to believe in myself or trust myself? I don’t really know. It’s hard to learn something that is supposed to be innate within you…

Still… I should be overwhelmingly happy but instead I feel like I’m stunted in some ways to feel properly happy…? Is there a proper way to feel happy?
The usual dark ocean storm in my heart was a bit quieter today…

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19/06

I quit that group. That person who doesn’t like me doesn’t seem to actually despise me that much, but rather is intolerant of my behaviour. Still, I do not like how I am kicked down by their words, and I doubt speaking with them will bring anything about except hurt egos.

On the flip side, somebody seemed to miss me a lot, which is surprising.

I’m nervous and afraid of the uncertain future.

I did banishing and meditation but I struggled to focus. Maybe it was the immense sugar I consumed? The raging storm in my heart continued today, probably from the stress of the above.
I did art again, a rough sketch of an illustration. I haven’t done a proper illustration in a long time, which is why I’m bad at aspects like lighting, and added effects to create depth and blending.

I mused today, as my friend and I were on call, but did not speak a single word to each other on voice, that it brought me a sense of connection and warmth. Maybe I don’t really desire physical things, but just knowing someone wants to stay by me for a little bit. I hope I don’t end up chasing this friend away though we have some years behind us…

I wonder if dealing with spirits is the same. Well that’s beyond me still!
Tomorrow I’ll try and do tarot readings if therapy hasn’t completely crushed me.

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23/06

It’s been depressing, but I kept up with meditation and banishing. Barely. I do it very late at night when I remember before I sleep.

Yesterday, I felt the tingle of magic in my hands again, similar to when I did energy exercises. And while I said I would do tarots, I failed to do them again. Speaking of which, the new tarot deck I ordered still hasn’t arrived. I wonder what’s happened?

Two interesting things.

The first, is that my thoughts have become slightly dangerous. In a way, that… when I think things, they have somewhat become… answered by the universe. I want a job. I wish I could get free pizza. I wish I could get a bit of money. And all of those things were delivered to me. So what about when I think about vengeance, curses, and the things that have hurt me? And what about when I think about wanting to die? Will those come for me too? Like spells I didn’t mean to cast. I wish it was coincidence. I sincerely wish it was, but something in me tells me that I have experienced this kind of ‘coincidence’ way too often to be so naive to continue to think that way. Trust yourself. it seems to say. I’m terrified of my own self, and a world unknown. But I can’t be fearful. I have to keep up the practice, because it’s the only way I can become stronger and get what I want.

The second thing: pain is transmutation into strength. I have suffered greatly in life (as I am sure many people have), and in a way it has caused me to be at a standstill. It was the continuing of pain, that wouldn’t go away that made me cry and scream that I had enough. Pain can be transmuted into strength. I don’t like this. Because it hits way too close in some ways. Sighing angrily again, at another ‘coincidence’ in life, it’s like, I didn’t get the message the first time, so they slapped me in the face with it a bit more directly. I have control over what happens. I can spiral into depression again of my own will, or I can fight.

The last thing, is that I noticed, when I got my readings, they usually said the people around me were awful, and needed to be let go. A lot of my friends and connections are gone now, not because I wanted to let them go, they just seemed to drift away or explode in my face. But what was left, I guess, were the most sincere and kind people.

It will soon be full moon. I want to do some cleansing, and charging… though it’s a bad time to grow flowers. Is it coincidence, that as a person with a horrid heart chakra, that the flower that I bought that DOES grow in winter, is called ‘heartsease’? When I realized, I let out another sigh. That’s what I get for asking for signs. I get the feeling someone’s laughing mischievously at me and while I am miffed, I cannot help but smile.

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25/6

Rain. Lots of it. I wanted to charge the seeds under the light of the moon, but it’s cloudy. Hm. But I thought, during the day I can see even if the sun is behind a cloud, and even though my room has a lot of covers and faces away, it still gets enough sunlight. So I’ll believe in the moonlight to get through here. It’s also very windy. I decided to use the Heartsease. Hope it’s not too cold… tomorrow I will plant and complete the spell. Seven hours is an awful long time…

I want to also do a cleaning thing I got from a psychic a long while back. Writing my feelings that I want to let go and burning it under the light of the full moon, were what they said. I did it a few times… but it didn’t seem to work well. I wonder why? I was still very hung up on some things I wanted to let go. I’ll try it again and see how affects me.

Today while meditating my hands grew very warm. Might have been because I am sleepy. It stands out because the circulation to my hands and feet are so bad, they’re always cold. I got scolded many times for having cold hands, though it’s something I can’t help. Anyhow. It was warm and pleasant. Though when I looked in my heart, the ocean storm started brewing again. Sigh.

I got my tarots today! And I will try and cleanse and practice with them. While shuffling I saw the ten of swords often and it made me recoil. I hate that card. It seemed to know and laugh, saying a friendly hello. Maybe I just notice it more because I know its meaning well.

Nothing particularly profound or interesting thought wise today though. I’m just very tired. Though if I had to pick one, I wonder a lot recently about my thoughts. Ah, I also recall a fright I had when I was resetting my sleep schedule, I stayed up for a very long time without sleep. Near the end, the voice in my head, which is usually very high pitch, a little nasally and feminine, turned into a deep, masculine voice. It terrified me. I remember thinking things like “WOAH WHATS UP WHATS HAPPENED TO YOU?” and then having that echoed in that male voice. It was scary, but I was too tired to feel fear. Instead, it was a really kind thing and I was okay with it. I’m not sure. I was sleep deprived and delirious.

When doing meditation and whatnot I feel weight in my hands recently. Makes me wonder and think.

I skipped daily art practice… oops. Oh but I did talk of astrology with someone. It was a very disappointing conversation. I think astrology is very interesting and could be used to learn a lot, but… in the end a lot of people believe stereotypical things. Like the sun sign defines so much about people… I hate that. I feel like my sun sign does show itself sometimes, but at other times not so much. I spend far too much time in my head, to be able to be completely defined by it. But in astrology terms, I’d like to think of it as one facet of myself. Like there are many planets and houses that reflect on the person acting differently towards different things… I think the sun sign is only one side, of many sides!

Unfortunately it’s stupid of me to hope of other people to also share that sentiment. I shouldn’t be judgemental towards what they use astrology for, but it still made me sad and a bit hollow/empty.

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27/06

I did the seed spell, though not all things went according to plan. I hope the flowers grow, though its very cold.

I tried using my new tarots but it’s really hard to focus. Same with meditation.

I dreamt of seeing myself. It’s weird to hear people call my name in the dream. I also met a witch in that dream and she told me some advice. But I can’t remember it though it hit home and made me feel very sad. It always frustrates me. I get a tarot or psychic reading in a dream, it’s something important but I can never remember.

I wonder if I can still be hurt in a dream. Today, I hurt someone else to the point I was starting to fear myself in the dream*. I recall pausing and wondering if it was okay to do this. But instead of sitting around crying at the injustice, I took justice in my own hands. And they feared me.

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30/6

Haven’t been sleeping that well. Still meditating and banishing but nothing much. I did notice that despite being in a new job, I do not have the anxiety that would normally keep me insane at night. I just feel oddly calm about it all. Have I gone past the point of caring, or maybe the banishing ritual is doing some good for me?

Everytime I come to this forum and read some posts, there’s always food for thought. And it’s usually something that resonates in me, that I needed to hear or seems to tie in a little too well with what’s going on around me.

The seeds I planted haven’t sprouted. It’s very cold, I hope they are okay. As for luck, I have had a few small close shaves with things, but nothing particularly major. Not that I’ve done much.

I had a dream where I saw… something strange. That thing and I spoke a bit about something that made me think a lot, but as usual I can’t remember! They’re sort of too casual and not profound enough for me to remember them strongly. Anyhow, I don’t know for certain but I think it was really just a dream that time.

I realize that I’m good at meditation because I do it often everyday when I decide I want to zone out or space out or tune in and listen to my thoughts. When I did it today, I recognized that it felt just like meditation. Hmm…

The next chapter in my life seems to be themed after trusting myself, being proud of myself. The song that happens to be stuck in my head for the past two days (I’ve barely listened to it outside of these days) was all about that. “I hate people who say they hate.” Aiming for the top and believing in your ideal and your ‘right’?

When I sleep well again I might do more tarots. And beyond that, maybe some more energy work and specific meditations. If that works, protection magic… would be really good. Cleansing… I can charge items but it doesn’t feel like it works half the time. Maybe I should try charging one of my crystals.

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11/07

Been a while, I just have little time, now that I’m working again. My sleep is a bit everywhere. I sleep for 9 hours, though I don’t need it, or I still feel tired. That’s life for you.

My heartsease sprouted a few days ago! Good to know that the cold hasn’t killed them, but I think I made a mistake sowing so many in a tiny pot. I’ll have to thin them out later.

Still been meditating and banishing everyday. I read about some practice for visualisation where you try and see your room with your minds eye. For me, I can only hold those images for a few seconds before they flicker and vanish. It’s difficult, but I will try it. I already do this sometimes, for no particular reason, but because I can.

Today I did tarot reading, and something strange occurred. Today was also the day that I learned of the word to describe the coincidental events I always have. “Synchronicity”. Because it showed up today again. As I was shuffling my tarot cards, (the new ones that I’m not yet well connected with), I got to the part where I would call my guides and angels to be with me. Instead I stumbled in my words and I thought of Lucifer and asked him to be with me instead. Of all the people, that was not the right person to be asking.

And in the next few moments, I had the feeling “maybe I should go evocate him”, but that’s a terrible idea. I don’t know how to protect myself besides salt and the lesser banishing, let alone a spirit who could most definitely screw with me to teach me a lesson in being careful. I told myself to knock it off, and not be such a fool, but the feeling persisted. Which was strange, it was like an obsessive desire that overcame me in that moment. Go look at his sigil, things like that came to mind. I told myself no, and continued to shuffle the cards. “If he really wants me to go evocate him, then give me a synchronicity.” I mused, and then continued yammering about how my senses can’t perceive anything yet, so it is just setting up for failure and disaster.

As I was speaking, a card flew out of my tarots. Like it jumped out, not because I was shuffling it strangely. I was holding the cards very steadily. It was The Devil reversed. It means ‘to let go of your limiting beliefs’ (among other things). And I had the thought that it was talking about how I don’t believe in myself, or that I am not ready to go evocate a spirit. That freaked me out, and I had to stop and take a break for a second. Well, if I wanted a synchronicity, I certainly got what I ask for. Talk about being careful what you wish for.

It was just like the time when I slowly obssessed over Dantalion. Though the feeling has mostly passed, and I want to ground myself more. I am not yet ready for that part. I should just stick to meditations and energy work. And more visualisation practice.

Not believing in myself is a common thing I hear from my therapist or from readings. I’m not surprised it showed its ugly head again, but really… synchronicities are fun until they get tiring. I expect to be seeing more later, so I can eat my words. I hope I don’t have any strange dreams tonight, because I do need to sleep better for work.

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26/07

I don’t write everyday, since not everyday is impressive enough for writing. For now, I tried to add visualisation practice. I learned meditating is not to empty the mind, but to allow thoughts to pass. Doing this made it both easier to sit through, and difficult because those thoughts make me riled up emotionally.

My ability to see energy is returning. I see faint wisps of it again. I’ve been having nightmares recently. Ones where I lose control.
It’s very strange. I remember one where I got trapped in a sack, and no matter how much I struggled I couldn’t get free and someone was carrying me off. I was terrified, and I don’t know why, but I called for Lucifer to help me. Isn’t that strange- if I had my wits about me, I’d ask for Archangel Michael to help. But a dream is a dream.

The new tarot deck- I did a reading with it yesterday. Oh, it was on the ball with the things about money, so laughs it is slowly getting in sync with me, though not as much as my other deck.
The reading was confusing, though I was in a poor state of mind to be doing divination.

Today after meditating, I thought to do a one card reading, since I was going to sleep early. I shuffled the cards carefully, because I got annoyed at the cards flying everywhere. But it’s always one card that manages to fly out- and you guessed it- it’s the same one. The Devil. It scares me. I wonder if that card is just bent out of shape that it does that, but it seemed just fine, since it usually sits in the middle.

It’s the card I see often in that tarot deck, not in my reading directly, but while I’m shuffling and I peek at the bottom, or it flies out. Ask for synchronicity and you’ll receive.

Let’s see- the devil represents restriction and shadow self, addiction and sexuality. My shadow self is cropping up a lot recently. I feel particularly bad that I cannot reach the unholy expectations, and the current state of things is doing a number on my mental state. I mused today that my friend sounded so optimistically positive, versus me. I am neither a negative or positive inclined person, but in that moment, I felt helpless to my situation and angry I couldn’t change it. It is not in my power to change it, and not having control upsets me. Fear of the unknown and uncertainty upsets me a lot- more recently anyway.

I wonder how one goes about doing shadow work? Is it reflection upon why one reacts a certain way, tracing it back to root causes and healing that wound? If so, that’s something I do often, but there’s some very dark things within me that I am not aware of. I know some of it is “guilt of living” (I’m not a survivor), and another is “desire to be accepted and loved”.
I wonder if it’s something in my very young days I can’t recall, but my unconscious remembers.

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28/7

I’ve been praying for me to be more energetic and focused, and was very energetic today though exhausted. I keep having nightmares.

In them, I’m helpless. I fight as much as I can, but there always seems to be a limit one small person can do. And I wake up. And I keep having this interrupted sleep. While I am scared of parasites, I doubt I have one and it is just my depression.

Recently, I’ve been feeling extra isolated from everyone. It’s become a lot harder to connect with people, and that’s not good. The number of friends I have can be counted on one hand, so at this rate, when I have learned to be comfortable and love myself, I’ll be completely alone, for real this time.

Admittedly, I wish I could talk to spirits just so I could ease this burden, but I know it is silly. And I know I am silly for drinking poison just because I’m thirsty in the desert. Want it to stop…

Another day of meditation and banishing, maybe I’ll set my intention to stopping the nightmares. The sky rained and thundered briefly before it cleared up like nothing ever happened. And the world rolls on.

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1/7

Not my usual posting time but I think that’s enough adventures for today (though the day has just started).

I don’t like lying on my back because of sleep paralysis and voices. But I’ve been so tired from nightmares, and wanting to sleep on my back again so I did.
Big mistake.

My hands got paralyzed, and my chest was heavy. My chest vibrated with something and I hear the voice of a male screaming. I try to close my hand into a fist, but I cannot. I hear a second voice, male again, saying “You dare defy our servant/servitor?”

I hear that second male voice chanting something. It’s not english, but something like “Zad Za El Eh, mortal.” (?) And the feeling fades, the scream fades. They had a low voice, strong, but I wasn’t scared, moreso just What the heck?

Big yikes since I haven’t ever been able to make out proper words before, and only have heard screams.
I should have asked who they were and what they were up to, but paralysis actually hurts a fair bit so I was focused on that.

I wonder if they got angry at me trying to resist the paralysis, since it only came around when I was trying to break free again. Paralysis was also only in my hands and my chest instead of full body.

Or were they getting angry at the other male voice who was screaming like they were being burnt alive? Either way, while I was surprisingly less scared than the nightmare about giant caterpillars, I’m a little shaken and don’t want anymore for today.
Seems like I didn’t get enough sleep again too.

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6/8

Another day. I’ve been meditating and banishing but it was hard to focus. My emotions have become like a maelstrom, a vortex I couldn’t control. I did tarot readings and they all said the same thing: your emotions are going haywire and you listen too much to them instead of your head. But since I couldn’t control them anymore from being so overwhelmed with so many small things in life, I finally got fed up with all the tears and pain.

I remembered cord cutting, and how a psychic told me to do this. I took a piece of cheap white ribbon, and tied it around me. I wrote on a piece of paper everything I wanted to let go of that was eating at me, and channeled as much of my spite and malice and bitterness towards all of those things that were chaining me. As I did this, I began to tear up again. I hadn’t even thought of a single painful memory, but deep down, it must have hurt more than I am aware of.

I’m not good at charging, but I envisioned it like a cup. I filled it with the black ooze that clung to me, till I felt my hands hurt a little. And the gunk was gone. I tied this paper to the white ribbon. That ribbon was my connection to it. It was a part of me. I then asked Archangel Michael to bless this shoddy pair of scissors (since that was from what I knew of cord cutting) and snipped it from me. I cut myself free from the ribbon, and burnt it all.

It wasn’t catching fire well, and as I desired for it to burn, and kept telling it to burn, it suddenly burned very brightly, even melting the ribbon that was refusing to catch fire.

I felt… free. Theres undoubtedly a greater lightness to my chest. Afterwards, I envisioned golden light, and the love of the universe to fill me. I felt a tingle in my fingertips. It’s not much, honestly, but I feel a lot better and will try and maintain this.

I hated being chained by all those overwhelming feelings that I was helpless to. And now, it’s like I seized control again. My own overflowing cup has been emptied a little, and has become easier to carry.

Anyway, it’s small, but I wanted to share it. I’ll continue meditating, banishing, and trying to shield and ward. And of course, cleanse but my ability to channel and use energy isn’t very good.

Why isn’t it good? Because I don’t practice enough;;

17

8/8

It is way past my bedtime because I was writing, but I felt tired today. And a little light headed, I think my iron levels have dropped again.

Mood wise, I have been better today thanI have been in a while. I was able to face things that would have normally made me upset or angry as I usually do instead of being another tantrum or outburst from being overwhelmed. In fact, I was in such a good mood that this morning I wanted to say good morning to the sun and sing and dance.

When I was meditating I noticed a nonexistent breeze at the top of my head. Like a tiny gust of wind that kept blowing on it. What was that- I wonder if it’s the topmost chakra? I felt like energy was pouring into me or something… though it didn’t energize me at all.

Couple days ago I was dreaming and the me in the dream managed to have an out of body in the dream, and then I returned to my body in the dream?!

And then I went about things in the dream. And then I woke up. Very confusing;; It was also in my house which signals not good things.

18

11/8

Meditating, banishing, visualisation and trying to shield. Listening to frequencies.

Just as I got rid of all those emotions, they came back to haunt me. But I don’t need another cord cutting, I need to manage myself and my environment to maintain good emotions.

My dreams are slowly going back into unpleasant land. I dreamt of someone I couldn’t forgive coming back and saying they were sorry, and we went ok like nothing ever happened. As if something like that could happen… I don’t want to forgive, and as I write this, I feel myself saying I am childish and need to be the better person. Aren’t I always?

Always gotta be the better person. I can’t help but feel envious of the people who can be little pricks without any guilt or punishment afterwards. But I know I shouldn’t say that. I have to keep going, keep trying.

I keep seeing repeating numbers again. My head is all foggy, and sleep is bad. Meditation is difficult again, and just when I got rid of my obsession with Lucifer, I can feel it trickling back whether I like it or not. Sigh… I cannot manage my negativity, let alone raise my vibration or whatever…

19

22/08

I’m stressed as always but life goes on. I dreamt of a tiny white snake, that I was afraid of that it might bite me, but I handled it for a few seconds in the palm of my hand and it was docile. Afraid, I threw it into a pencilcase and zipped it up. I don’t think anyone would have liked that. Fear is one hell of a motivator.

Not a nightmare, but an unpleasant dream.

I was bored, and usually I do more occult work on Sundays, so today I got around to reading Damon Brand’s Magickal Protection. Sword banishing twice a day, and 33 days of protection magic. I’m still exhausted from my new job and I will soon be learning new things that will drive up my anxiety… but I’ll try. Damon Brand mentions he does the banishing before he sleeps, so I guess me sitting around afterwards to ground myself isn’t necessary? The more you know.

I’ve still continued to listen to the Solfeggio frequencies, and while I don’t notice much of a change within me, besides being as gloomy as ever, I notice more things around me. Things that make me sad. I think this journey with magick will be a long, difficult path, and a very lonely one at that. I wanted to share some thoughts with people, but I guess to the people around me, I’m a nutcase. Which is why this journal is here!

Oh but the sword banishing needed some preparatory work, so I might do that next Sunday, depending on how tight my art deadline is. Hopefully not by too much. It was an interesting read, so I might look into more books later, but for now I just want to develop stronger protective measures, or energising measures. Somehow I think though, with the amount of hatred and spite I carry around with me constantly, I’d be good at invoking some baneful magic, if not for the fact I have too much empathy, guilt and compassion to let it truly work. Some things can’t be easy huh.

20

4/09

I skipped about two days worth of banishing, and I did continue to listen to Solfeggio frequencies, though I feel it doesn’t do anything for me. I should believe more.

I generally write when something happens, and that was today. Like I mentioned previously, dreaming of my house is generally a sign of spiritual activity. I dreamt that I was on a bus ride to a school camp, and everyone had fallen asleep on the way, of which everyone who woke up and saw me thought it was strange. I was taking a nap because I was exhausted from the day (I think it might be caffeine withdrawal, or otherwise, it’s just me not eating enough food again). And at the end of it I dreamt of myself in my room, sleeping… except I wasn’t sleeping normally, rather sitting on my bed? The room was dark and I could not see anything. A woman (I perceived it as a woman, I couldn’t see much besides sensing the presence) walked into my room. I got the feeling she was wearing red? And I thought it was my mom, so I spoke to her. I wasn’t aware it was a dream, but when I realized, the being already… sort of grabbed me. My arms were pinned down. I didn’t like it so I told it to stop and go away, but it wouldn’t.

In that moment, my fear allowed me to regain some consciousness, and I asked for Archangel Michael for protection, and for his flaming sword to cast away this being. I saw a small flash of a red-orange on my right, that began to glow, and the dream ended abruptly. And even when I woke up, it persisted for a little. Whatever that thing was, it keeps reappearing in my room and grabbing me. I shake it off, and afterwards I feel tired in my arms, perhaps from fear, stress or loss of energy I do not know. I don’t particularly feel fear from the spirit, moreso than it just doesn’t communicate and keeps grabbing me, which I do not like. I just want it to go away. Ah, I had the thought now I should do divination on what the heck it is.

Either way, I should do some more banishing and protective work, before I start constantly dreaming of it again. That was too tiring to deal with.

I should mention also yesterday, the phenomena of my internal voice changing occurred again. My internal voice is very high pitched and squeaky like my actual voice. It sounds just like me. But occasionally when I am very tired, it turns into a very deep male voice. The complete opposite. I was having a spot of anxiety, and I was trying to tell myself “it’s okay, it’s okay” so I could sleep (bad day at work), and that voice suddenly said ‘It’s okay’. It didn’t sound like it came from me. I didn’t force the thought enough for it to be me. Either way, I was too exhausted to feel any fear, so I knocked out not long after.

That’s what I get for skipping daily banishing.