So I’ve done a few posts over the 2 years about various issues related to relationships I have messed up and calling on demons and getting help from Magick practitioners to always get someone back in my life, which has never resulted in what I have wanted. I think that’s the issue, the ‘What I want!’ not the ‘what I desire and know to be true’. Recently I lost the one true person in my life, my real true love and the soul with whom I have bumped into unexpectedly over the course of 32 years. The only person to blame is this is me, being blinded by insecurities, anger, carrying past hurts, fear, being robotic in so many ways and not really letting go to be the man this true love of mine needed. Digging deep down, I know without doubt my love for her is more than this earthly 2D realm we live in. It’s soul love. Do i believe we will cross paths again, have unfinished business, destined to walk this path together… Yes I truly believe. I’m not sure she believes that. Hell, she has blocked me on all social media, whatsapp, not contacted for 2 weeks now. And the pain is indescribable. One day I’m ok, the next I have such deep soul pain for loss. The what if questions arise, what should I have done differently, If only I did this or that, This feels so wrong, it’s not meant to be like this. Man, it is so hard.
So I called upon Belial, Dantalion, Gremori to help me with this situation, to open the doors to communication so that I could apologise, Talk to her, hold her, tell her that moving forward together is going to better and worth it. I’ll be honest, I didn’t feel anything when calling them, I’m not sure it even worked BUT last night I decided to really be honest with my desires, my need to grow and be a better person, to be able to communicate with her and I called upon Belial again. I hope I was as honest as I could be but instead I asked Belial for guidance in my own life. I spoke of what I wanted to change within me, what I was tired of being like, what I believed and a promise that I would not be the mess I was before with my lost true love. I asked to open the road to communicate with her, start of as friends, gain her trust and confidence, to be able to be open and honest with her, be stripped of my ego, fears, insecurities and show the person/ soul I really am deep inside. Well, last night I did feel his presence. A wave of chills rushed through my body, my legs developed pins and needles feelings, my nose started running, my eyes teared up and even after talking with Belial, I felt slightly dizzy, jelly legs and small chills sporadically pulsing through my body when I went to bed. I dreamt about her last night for the first time. This morning I woke up with intense feeling of loss again yet somehow more aware of who I am. I have realised that this was meant to happen to bring change within me. To see the hurt I have caused, maybe feel it as well. Perhaps we were not meant to be together now but have that moment to realise things within ourselves that we need to change and overcome to be together as healed and wholesome people in true unity. Will it happen? I have faith, belief and hope this change will happen and we will reunite. In this lifetime? I believe and Hope. I know change is happening within me and I thank King Belial for the changes and reuniting he will and has bought to me, within me. As for now, well, I have to continue to see and change aspects of me to be the man my true love needs. I have to see and change aspects of me to the man I need me to be.
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