JOURNAL- Diary of a Self-Doubting Magician

Journals, Group Rituals & Free Readings
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Imposter-Syndrome?

New journal start here. It’s been five months since I posted on this forum, and missing having a sense of community that understands the ordeals of the average witch, I decided to return. I just want to be able to track the fluctuation and growth of my inherent self-doubt when it comes to performing magic. My lack of confidence extends beyond it, however, leeching into other parts of my being as well. It plagues me. I hope others don’t interpret this thread as self-pitying, as I am simply going through a dark time in my life.

Though I have formed close relationships with some spirits that wish to help with my ascent, my high-flying expectations for myself have caused me to oftentimes turn away from my mentors. Afraid that they are disappointed with my inconsistency, I hide myself away in the mundane of the physical plane even further. I thus find my senses to be blunt, and my communication with the spirits murky and vague at best.

My patron spirit, Azazel, ensures me that if a spirit were ever to make me feel bad about my personal progress, they would likely be an imposter. In fact, I have been quite successful with my magic in the past year. King Paimon helped me get accepted into an elite school. Asmodeus helped me coin a serious relationship. I’ve cursed successfully, manipulated successfully. I’ve had success with nearly every spell I’ve attempted. So why am I so afraid?

Escapism

I’ve attempted astral projection many times and am still unable to achieve it. I know that it is a highly advanced technique that takes months, even years, of meditation and focus to attain. It’s the frustration of knowing you need to reach destination, the boon of a place with answers, yet not having the means of transportation. I need to go there, but I am afraid. I am not ready.

Now, I have been seeing signs that Belial wants me to call him down and work with him. I assume he wants to help me achieve this goal. With the state my sense are in right now, I’m not really sure if that’s something I want to go through with. He would likely tear down my current state to try to build me up again. I cannot decide if I am too fragile for such a transformation currently.

I’ll update soon with more on this situation. I need to dive back into the occult, otherwise I believe I’ll sink.

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Sorry, I should’ve added: If anyone has any threads to maybe help me get back into the groove of training again, and get me out of my slump, that would be helpful.

Also, if anyone has experience with astral projection, please dm me or let me know. I want to know if someone with about a year of serious practice could achieve it. It frustrates me when I see regular people on youtube achieving it with ease (unless they’re bluffing).

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4/6- Kathal, Lucifer?

I feel as though my senses are coming to me again. As the portals re-open to the astral plane, I feel more easy and more at peace with my surroundings. Having one foot in the other plane is a relief from the physical.

There is one thing that’s been on my mind though. I achieved some sort of lucidity in my dream the other night, which rarely ever happens, as they tend to be murky and unthoughtful. In the dream, I happened upon a series of books: three in total, to be exact, blue in color, and rather slim. I had a limited amount of time to flip through them. The books, which were called the Books of Kathal, would answer anything you asked of them- to page you flipped to would be the answer. An acquaintance of mine asked the question: What is stability? The book flipped to a page titled: Sickness. I couldn’t make out the words entirely, but it was something like, “Sickness is the key to imbalance and balance.” I found it contradictory, but something told me it was the truth.

I frantically asked then, “Are the Gods of my pantheon real?” to which it flipped: “Lucifer, the bringer of light and the bearer of darkness. He upholds the sky…is the groundskeeper of the physical”. Perhaps Lucifer attempted to answer my doubts. My uncertainty about my magic and my wavering beliefs involving not being able to see what I’m interacting with. But something told me to trust that book. Something also tells me I should attempt contact with Lucifer. He seems to have something to tell me?

Still, I wish I could form the level of trust between magician and entity that so many on this forum seem to achieve. There always exists doubt in my mind of the existence of such beings, despite all the evidence supporting it.

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I resonate with this, on a DEEP VISCERAL level.
I am just like you about this. Very doubtful of my power, even though I’ve done a ton of shit.

My advice, is to keep going. The only way through it is to do it.

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Yes, you’re completely right. And that is why we’re still here, still attempting magic today. It’s frustrating, because I believe beginners like myself are aware of the extent of our power, and it is only in truly emerging ourselves in the practice will we can slough off the limitations of normal society…

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I made a thing you might find helpful.
Specifically because of this.

https://forum.becomealivinggod.com/t/when-i-start-to-doubt-my-magic-is-strong/

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4/7- Belial Everywhere

As I mentioned, Belial’s name has been popping up everywhere- in books, titles, and readings.

In my meditation last night I decided to soul travel, and experienced an interesting vision. It was Belial, who extended his hand out to me, and I took it. He was pale and blue-skinned, 7 feet tall, with the long horns of a ram, and vast, expanding wings… around us, darkness, save for the ledge we stood upon, which appeared to be some sort of debris. I asked him what he wanted, and he instructed me to look out behind me. There stood the ruins of the planet, and all the human souls upon them, joining in communion. I watched as my friends, my family, all the humans I cared for over the course of my many lifetimes, as they arose from the abyssal remains of our Earth in the forms of stars, and ascended to their own realm of existence, resting from the thousands of life cycles they had experienced.

I stood there, in my spirit form, and watched. I felt a sense of relief, and of joy as I had finally ascended; and I felt a sense of loneliness, of pain. I asked:
“May I go see them?”, and Belial replied:
“Even if you did, they’ve all already forgotten.” Then I turned to him, realizing that the infernal empire was my family now, and all who resided in it. I didn’t stop to worry about the fates of the other humans, nor did I ask.

As we walked, we chatted. “You’re implying you want to help me ascend to this point?” I asked. He nodded.
“As much as a fearful human such as yourself has to learn, there are ways I can show you how to achieve what it is you seek.”
Then he instructed me to evoke him on the next full moon. He told me if I didn’t show up, he would not help me any further.
“So,” I said, “You’ll be able to help me astrally travel?”
He hesitated. “Yes,” He said. “But how would it be possible to astrally travel, if you do not even believe such a thing can exist in the first place?”

This was a good point.

I suppose, now that I’m being offered more help, I should take the opportunity. But I’m also afraid. I don’t want him to meddle with my personal life, but I think he will. So I will have to draw that boundary.

On another note, I heard Initiation into Hermetics by Franz Bardon is a good occult study book for people who are already mostly familiar with occult terminology. I’m going to give it a read, I think.

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