New journal start here. It’s been five months since I posted on this forum, and missing having a sense of community that understands the ordeals of the average witch, I decided to return. I just want to be able to track the fluctuation and growth of my inherent self-doubt when it comes to performing magic. My lack of confidence extends beyond it, however, leeching into other parts of my being as well. It plagues me. I hope others don’t interpret this thread as self-pitying, as I am simply going through a dark time in my life.
Though I have formed close relationships with some spirits that wish to help with my ascent, my high-flying expectations for myself have caused me to oftentimes turn away from my mentors. Afraid that they are disappointed with my inconsistency, I hide myself away in the mundane of the physical plane even further. I thus find my senses to be blunt, and my communication with the spirits murky and vague at best.
My patron spirit, Azazel, ensures me that if a spirit were ever to make me feel bad about my personal progress, they would likely be an imposter. In fact, I have been quite successful with my magic in the past year. King Paimon helped me get accepted into an elite school. Asmodeus helped me coin a serious relationship. I’ve cursed successfully, manipulated successfully. I’ve had success with nearly every spell I’ve attempted. So why am I so afraid?
I’ve attempted astral projection many times and am still unable to achieve it. I know that it is a highly advanced technique that takes months, even years, of meditation and focus to attain. It’s the frustration of knowing you need to reach destination, the boon of a place with answers, yet not having the means of transportation. I need to go there, but I am afraid. I am not ready.
Now, I have been seeing signs that Belial wants me to call him down and work with him. I assume he wants to help me achieve this goal. With the state my sense are in right now, I’m not really sure if that’s something I want to go through with. He would likely tear down my current state to try to build me up again. I cannot decide if I am too fragile for such a transformation currently.
I’ll update soon with more on this situation. I need to dive back into the occult, otherwise I believe I’ll sink.